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CHAPTER ONE

‘YOU’RE DOING WHAT?’ Mike’s eyes looked as though they were about to pop out of his skull. ‘If you think I’m going to sit here and listen while you tell me you’re having another man’s baby—’

‘I haven’t committed to anything yet,’ Kitty interrupted, quickly trying to ease the tension. She hated it when he lost his temper. ‘I’m just thinking about it.’

‘Well, you’d better stop thinking about it.’

‘And it’s not another man’s baby,’ she added. She knew she should just keep quiet. Her argument would only serve to fan the flames of his aggravation but if they were going to discuss this she wanted a chance to state her case before this escalated into an argument.

‘Is it my baby?’

‘Well, no. It would be Cam’s.’

‘So that is another man. If you’re going to have babies they’d better damn well be with me.’

With Mike’s current attitude Kitty thought it very unlikely that she’d choose to have babies with him but she kept that thought to herself. ‘Well, technically it won’t be my baby either,’ she explained, stating the facts. ‘I’d just be the surrogate. It will be Jess and Cameron’s baby.’

‘Why on earth would you want to go through a pregnancy for someone else?’

‘You know why,’ Kitty stated flatly.

‘So, Cameron and Jess get a baby and you get fat.’

‘I’d be pregnant, not fat.’

‘Still, Cameron doesn’t have to put up with the hormones, the weight gain, the mood swings and the cravings but I do?’

‘Cameron and Jess have been through plenty already, I don’t think you can begrudge them this.’ In Kitty’s opinion, her sister and her brother-in-law had been through more than their fair share of physical and emotional stresses and she couldn’t see any reason why they should be expected to go through any additional stress if it wasn’t absolutely necessary.

‘Maybe you can’t, but at the end of it they’ll get a baby and what do I get? A girlfriend with stretch marks and leaking boobs.’

Kitty was pretty sure there was something she could take to stop the leaky boobs and who cared about a few stretch marks if she could give her sister the child she so desperately wanted. The addition that their family desperately needed.

But perhaps Mike had a point. They were supposed to be in a relationship, they were supposed to discuss big decisions like this, and that was exactly what she was trying to do, but if he wasn’t going to be reasonable, if he was going to behave like a spoilt brat—well, what did she expect? If she was honest, their relationship was usually about Mike and what he wanted. Their relationship was run on his terms.

Maybe it was time that changed.

* * *

Kitty pushed open the door of the Manly Pier Hotel and walked into the pub. After their discussion—Kitty refused to think of it as an argument—Mike had gone out for his regular monthly dinner with his friends from his med school days, and Kitty was relieved that he’d had a prior engagement. She didn’t want to continue their discussion all night, but she hadn’t wanted to sit at home on her own either. She needed to see a friendly face and she knew she’d find one in the pub that was a favourite among the staff from the North Sydney Hospital and other Manly Beach locals.

The DJ was warming up the crowd. Thursday nights were popular and the place was already busy. She scanned the room.

The crowd was dressed casually but expensively. Kitty hadn’t given her outfit a thought. She’d just needed to get out. She looked down at her clothes—jeans, an old T-shirt and canvas trainers. Luckily the dress code for women was never strict but at five feet four inches she felt like an untidy slip of a woman in a room full of glamourous shiny Amazons. She’d pulled her dark hair back into a messy ponytail, not even bothering to brush it, and she doubted any of the make-up she’d sparingly applied that morning was still clinging to her face but it was too late to worry about her looks now. Thankfully her friends and colleagues were unlikely to be done up to the nines. Anything smarter than hospital scrubs was deemed to be making an effort.

There were plenty of familiar faces in the pub and Kitty said hello to several people as she made her way through the room without pausing to chat for too long. There was one face in particular she was looking for and she didn’t want to waste time on other conversations. She wasn’t in a particularly sociable mood.

She skimmed over the DJ and looked past him out onto the deck that stretched into the harbour. The Manly ferry was docking at the quay, its lighted windows bright against the twilight sky, and silhouetted against the darkening sky was the person she was looking for.

Joe Harkness.

His broad-shouldered, six-foot frame stood a head above the bevy of women who surrounded him—no surprises there. His short, brown hair was expertly groomed to give him the I just stepped out of the shower look and he was laughing at someone’s comment. His blue eyes flashed as he laughed and the dimple in his chin only added to his appeal as the women eyed him adoringly. He had a beer in one hand and his other arm slung around the shoulders of one of the women. Again, no surprise. Her life may be a bit of a mess but she could always rely on Joe to be consistent. Happy, charming and gorgeous, he had a constant stream of women moving in and out of his life, there was never a shortage, and Kitty was grateful that he always seemed to have time for her. She didn’t want to be one of a string of girlfriends, she wanted to be just what she was—his closest friend.

They’d been friends for almost ten years since meeting on their first day at nursing college. Kitty had been straight out of high school, Joe a couple of years older, having taken a gap year or two before starting university. They’d finished nursing together but had ultimately ended up going in different directions career-wise. She worked in the emergency department at the North Sydney Hospital and Joe had continued his studies and was now an intensive care paramedic. He was based at the ambulance station attached to the hospital, but even if they hadn’t ended up in such close proximity Kitty knew they would still have remained friends. In her opinion, everyone needed a Joe in their life. Someone dependable and loyal. He understood her and he never judged her.

Kitty checked out the unfamiliar woman who was under Joe’s arm and wondered who she was. A new girlfriend or just a friend? She hoped it was a new girlfriend. She didn’t want Joe to have other female friends. Girlfriends never stayed in his life for long and she was happy to tolerate them. She didn’t need to worry about them taking her position as his favourite. She knew he was in no hurry to settle down. He’d told her as much often enough, and she selfishly hoped he meant it. His parents had hardly instilled faith in him about the joys of matrimony or the sanctity of marriage and that pleased Kitty. She didn’t want to share him, and she worried that a serious relationship might mean he wouldn’t have room for her in his life any more. She needed him and she couldn’t imagine not having him in her life.

Joe spotted her as she made her way towards him and he smiled and removed his arm from the woman’s shoulders as he stepped forward to greet Kitty. Seeing him so casually separate himself from the woman gave her a tiny ping of satisfaction. New girlfriend or not, she was still more important.

‘Hey, what are you doing here?’ His smile brought out the dimple in his chin even further and his blue eyes sparkled. ‘I thought you said you couldn’t make it,’ he said as he looked over her shoulder. She knew who he was looking for even as he asked, ‘Where’s Mike?’

‘Out.’

‘What’s going on?’

Kitty heard the concern in his voice and that was enough to get the tears to well up in her dark brown eyes but she wasn’t going to explain her circumstances in front of a complete stranger. She shuffled from foot to foot as Joe excused himself from the women around him. He looped his arm over Kitty’s shoulder. ‘Come on. It looks like you could use a drink.’ He shepherded her across the room as he continued to talk, giving her time and space to get her own thoughts together. ‘Does Mike know you’re here?’

‘No.’ She shook her head as she replied and dislodged two fat tears that spilled from her eyes and rolled down her cheeks. She wiped them away with the back of her hand but she wasn’t fast enough to stop Joe from noticing.

‘What happened? He didn’t hit you, did he?’ Joe was looking at her carefully. She knew she looked like a mess. Her hair was dishevelled, her eyes red-rimmed and her face was pale. She looked like a woman who’d fled without bothering to brush her hair or grab anything but her handbag.

‘No! It’s nothing like that.’ She was appalled that he might think she’d be in an abusive relationship. She knew he’d seen plenty of domestic violence cases in his role as a paramedic. She’d seen more than her fair share presenting to Emergency as well—too many—and they’d convinced her that she would never stay in a physically abusive relationship.

But what about an emotionally abusive one? After the initial honeymoon period in her relationship with Mike she was beginning to wonder if things were changing. And not for the better.

‘We had an argument.’ She had to admit that was what it was.

‘Well, I’m sure it won’t be the last one.’

‘I think it could be,’ she admitted. ‘I think we might be over.’ It was a scary thought. Kitty didn’t like being on her own. In fact, she dreaded it and she knew her fear of being alone often caused her to persevere with relationships for longer than she should, but this disagreement with Mike was likely to be the beginning of the end of their relationship. She knew she couldn’t stay with him unless he changed his mind.

Early on in their relationship she’d loved the fact that he’d wanted to be her everything. She’d been adrift, lonely, she’d wanted someone to lean on, to make decisions for her, someone who wanted to be all she needed, but did he only want to love her on his terms? Did he even love her? He must know how big a decision this was for her, how she needed his support. If he really was going to push her on this issue then maybe it was time she stood her ground. Staying with him just because it was better than being alone wasn’t a good enough reason any more. Not when there could be so much at stake. If she didn’t offer to be a surrogate now, Jess and Cam might never get the baby they wanted.

Kitty wanted to be loved but on her terms.

She needed to move on from this relationship. She was stronger now. She could be on her own.

She could do this.

She wanted to do this.

And if this worked out she wouldn’t be alone. She’d be pregnant. You couldn’t be less alone when you were physically attached to another human. A baby would fill all the empty, lonely spots in her heart, satisfy her need to be loved and to have someone to love in return. A baby could be the answer to so many prayers and the solution to so many problems.

A baby was just what her family needed.

* * *

Joe struggled to keep the smile off his face as he guided Kitty to one end of the bar where the crowd was marginally thinner. Even though he’d never pretended to like the guy, he had tolerated Mike for Kitty’s sake, but he wasn’t going to pretend that he’d be unhappy to see him gone from her life.

He held up two fingers, indicating his order, and waited for the barman to pour two beers. ‘Talk to me,’ he said as he handed a drink to Kitty. He couldn’t imagine what had brought this about but whatever it was he was grateful.

Kitty took a long sip of her beer. Joe could see her hand shaking. He’d seen her agitated, upset and emotionally fragile before, but lately she’d seemed to be getting back on top of things. Her life, while certainly not without its dramas and tragedies in the past, had been on a fairly even keel for the past few months and he’d thought she was doing well.

‘Jess and Cam want to have a baby,’ Kitty said.

‘Is that possible?’ he asked. A couple of years ago Kitty’s sister had been diagnosed with uterine cancer and Joe knew she’d undergone chemotherapy, and he thought the surgeon had performed a total hysterectomy.

‘Not in the traditional sense,’ Kitty confirmed, ‘but Jess froze her eggs before her treatment and now they want to have a baby. They need a surrogate.’

‘What’s that got to do with you and Mike?’ He couldn’t see how or why this would affect Kitty and Mike’s relationship but as Kitty looked up at him he could see the answer in her eyes. ‘You?’

Kitty nodded.

‘You want to be their surrogate?’ The penny dropped. ‘And Mike wasn’t happy about the idea?’

‘He doesn’t want me having another man’s baby.’

Joe could understand that. If Kitty was his girlfriend, he might even feel the same way. But he wasn’t about to side with Mike. He didn’t particularly like the guy, and if Mike was prepared to give Kitty up over this issue then he definitely didn’t deserve her.

‘He doesn’t get that it’s not my baby. You know how important Jess is to me. She’s all I’ve got. I don’t even know if it’s possible to do this but if I can do this for them, I will. He can’t stop me.’

‘Did he try to?’

‘He just told me that if I intend to go ahead with this then he’s not going to stick around. I think he expects me to choose him but you know I can’t.’

‘You’ve left?’

‘Not yet,’ she replied. ‘We both need some time. I still need to talk to Jess, and I’m hoping Mike might change his mind once he’s had a chance to think it over, but if he doesn’t then I will make my choice.’

Joe couldn’t imagine Mike backing down. He was a surgeon and had the ego to go with his profession. Joe didn’t think he was madly in love with Kitty and he imagined Mike would see the surrogacy as an assault to his masculinity. He thought Kitty was going to be disappointed if she expected Mike to change his opinion.

‘What can I do?’ Joe asked. He would do anything for her. Always had. Always would.

‘I need a place to stay,’ she told him. ‘If I stay at Mike’s it will give him an opportunity to try to talk me out of this. I need a bit of space while I work out how to handle this, and I can’t stay with Jess. If she knew what had happened tonight she’d try and talk me out of my decision as well, and I’m doing this for me as much as for her and Cam. Can I stay at your place? On the couch would be fine, I don’t want to cramp your style.’

‘Of course.’ If all she needed from him was a place to stay while she got things sorted then that’s what he would give her. And if it meant Kitty went ahead with the idea and Mike ended the relationship Joe wasn’t going to pretend he didn’t like the sound of that. ‘And just for the record, I think it’s a fantastic gesture,’ he added. He would be as supportive as possible of this exercise.

‘Thank you. I knew you’d understand.’

Her brown eyes were still shiny with tears but at least they weren’t spilling over her cheeks any more, although she still looked as if she needed a hug. He opened his arms and she stepped into his embrace. He wrapped his arms around her, closed his eyes briefly and inhaled the familiar vanilla scent of her shampoo as he comforted her.

He hated seeing her upset and he would go to just about any lengths to protect her. He had friends, lots of them, but none of his friendships enjoyed the same closeness that he and Kitty shared. Both of them found something in their relationship that they didn’t get from anyone else. That sense of being understood without the need for explanation. He wasn’t close to his family and avoided serious romantic relationships, but his relationship with Kitty was proof that he was capable of sustaining a meaningful connection.

It proved to him that he wasn’t a complete emotional failure. That he could love someone and maintain a long-term relationship, even if it was platonic. He didn’t doubt he wasn’t cut out for marriage and commitment. He had no evidence that long-term monogamy was for him. His parents certainly hadn’t subscribed to that ideology, they’d had five marriages between them, and Joe himself knew he grew bored and irritated if any of his romantic relationships stretched past a few months.

Some of his friends were convinced that he just hadn’t met the perfect girl but Joe wasn’t sure she existed. Even perfection had a use-by date in his opinion. From what he’d seen, marriages ended in one of three ways—divorce, death or disinterest—and he didn’t see the point. But in the absence of other relationships his connection with Kitty became even more important, and he would do whatever was necessary to maintain it. He intended to always be there for her in a way that others hadn’t been.

‘But if you’re going to do this,’ he told her, ‘then you need a long-term plan. You need to make some decisions about the next few months, not just about tonight.’

‘I know,’ she sighed, ‘but right now, tonight is all I can manage.’