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CHAPTER XXIX

PATRIOTIC HANDBILLS, ETC

We meet with a slight notice of Toussaint l’Ouverture, and the war in St. Domingo, in a broadside dwelling on the consequences of a successful invasion: ‘Here then there would be no volunteering, no balloting, unless, indeed, such Volunteers as were raised in France for the conquest of St. Domingo. And how were they raised? Why, by every man having a bayonet put to his breast, being seized by force, and then chained in couples like dogs, and drove down in a string to the coast, for embarkation, like so many Galley slaves. This, though it may sound incredible to an Englishman’s ear, is a fact known to all Europe.

‘Such my brave Countrymen, would be your dreadful fate, could this blessed island be once subjugated to that haughty and merciless Tyrant, the Corsican Bonaparte. Where then, is the Man who would not die a thousand, and a thousand deaths sooner than submit to so cruel and unnatural a fate?’

July was very prolific of these broadsheets, some of them taking the form of theatrical announcements, two of which are here given.

THEATRE ROYAL, ENGLAND

IN REHEARSAL, AND MEANT TO BE SPEEDILY ATTEMPTED,

A FARCE

IN ONE ACT, CALLED THE

INVASION OF ENGLAND

Principal Buffo Mr. Buonaparte,

Being his First (and most likely his Last) Appearance on this Stage

Anticipated Critique

The structure of this Farce is very loose, and there is a moral, and radical, Defect in the Ground work. It boasts, however, considerable Novelty, for the Characters are All Mad. It is probable it will not be played in the Country, but will certainly never be acted in Town; where ever it may be represented, we will do it the justice to say, it will be received with Thunders of … Cannon!!! but we will venture to affirm will never equall the Success of

JOHN BULL

It is however likely that the Piece may yet be put off on account of the Indisposition of the Principal Performer, Mr. Buonaparte. We don’t exactly know what this Gentleman’s Merits may be on the Tragic Boards of France, but he will never succeed here; his Figure is very diminutive, he struts a great deal, seems to have no Conception of his Character, and treads the Stage very badly; notwithstanding which defects, we think, if he comes here, he will get an Engagement, though it is probable that he will, shortly after, be reduced to the situation of a Scene Shifter.

As for the Farce, we recommend it to be withdrawn, as it is the opinion of all Political Critics, that if played, it will certainly be

DAMN’D

‘Vivant Rex et Regina.’

The other is: —

In Rehearsal,

THEATRE ROYAL OF THE UNITED KINGDOMS

Some Dark, Foggy Night, about November next, will be Attempted, by a Strolling Company of French Vagrants, an Old Pantomomic Farce, called

HARLEQUIN’S INVASION

OR THE

Disappointed Banditti

WITH NEW MACHINERY, MUSIC, DRESSES, AND DECORATIONS

Harlequin Butcher, by Mr. BUONAPARTE

FROM CORSICA

(Who Murdered that Character in Egypt, Italy, Switzerland, Holland, &c.)

THE OTHER PARTS BY

Messrs. Sieyes, Le Brun, Talleyrand, Maret, Angereau,Massena, and the Rest of the Gang

In the Course of the Piece will be introduced a Distant View of

Harlequin’s Flat-Bottomed Boats

WARMLY ENGAGED BY THE

Wooden Walls of Old England

THE REPULSE

Or, Britons Triumphant

The Parts of John Bull, Paddy Whack, Sawney Mac Snaish, and Shone-ap-Morgan, by Messrs. Nelson, Moira, St. Vincent, Gardner, Hutchinson, Warren, Pellew, S. Smith, &c. &c. &c.

The Chorus of ‘Hearts of Oak,’ by the Jolly Tars and Army of

Old England,

Assisted by a Numerous Company of Provincial Performers,

Who have Volunteered their Services on this Occasion.

The Overture to consist of ‘Britons Strike Home’ – ‘Stand to your Guns’ – ‘Rule Britannia’ and

GOD SAVE THE KING

The Dresses will be splendid; the Band numerous and compleat. The whole to conclude with a Grand Illumination, and a Transparency displaying Britannia receiving the Homage of Gallic Slaves.

⁂ No Room for Lobby Loungers. Vivant Rex et Regina.

According to the caricaturist, Hanover had no special attractions for Bonaparte. ‘Boney in possession of the Millstone’ (Ansell, July 5, 1803) shews him as having a fearfully large and weighty millstone hung round his neck, called Hanover. He totters under the weight, and calls out that ‘It’s cursed heavy! I wish it had been Malta!’ John Bull, dressed as a countryman, jeers him: ‘What! thee hast got it, hast thee? The Devil do thee good with it – Old Measter Chatham used to say it was a Millstone about my neck – so perhaps I may feel more lightsome without it.’

‘Flags of Truth and Lies’ (artist unknown, July 10, 1803) is a representation of a typical Frenchman and Englishman, as then imagined. The Frenchman holds a tricoloured flag, and intimates that ‘Mon grande Maître bid-a you read dat, Monsieur!’ and points to the following text on the flag: ‘Citizen first Consul Buonaparte presents Compliments and Thanks to the Ladies and Gentlemen of Great Britain, who have honored him with their visits at Paris, and intends himself the pleasure of returning it in person, as soon as his arrangements for that purpose can be completed.’ John Bull replies, ‘And let your Grand Master read that, Mounseer,’ and points to his flag, the Union Jack, on which is written ‘John Bull does not rightly understand the Chief Consul’s lingo – but supposes he means something about Invasion; therefore the said John Bull deems it necessary to observe that if his Consular Highness dares to invade any Ladies or Gentlemen on his coast, he’ll be damn’d if he don’t sink him.’

THE DEVIL AND THE CONSUL

A New Song

 
As the Devil thro’ Paris one Day took a Walk,
Buonaparte he met, – and they both had some Talk;
Great Hero, says Satan, pray how do you do?
I am well, cried the Consul, my Service to you.
Derry down, down, down, derry down!
 
 
What News do you bring from your Empire below,
How is Oliver Cromwell? But very so, so!
I fancy he envies your glories so great;
For he vows he ne’er reigned in such Splendor and State —
Derry down, &c.
 
 
Tho’ he often exerted himself in my Cause,
Still Britons from him, had some excellent Laws;
How much below yours all his Merits must fall,
Who rules this Republic without Laws at all!!!
Derry down, &c.
 
 
Alexander, and Cæsar, fine Heroes in Story,
Are jealous, I know, of your Deeds, and your Glory;
Tho’ they push’d thro’ the Globe all their Conquests pell mell,
And rul’d Monarchs on Earth, now they’re Subjects in Hell.
Derry down, &c.
 
 
’Bout Religion at Rome you once made a great Pother,
Have pulled down one Pope, and then set up another!
In Egypt I’ve heard of your wonderful Works,
How Mahomet you worshipp’d, to flatter the Turks!
Derry down, &c.
 
 
The Deeds you there acted with Poison and Ire,
On my Realms are recorded in Letters of Fire;
Not an Imp in my Service, but boasts of your Fame,
And ‘grins, horribly’ grins – when he mentions your name.
Derry down, &c.
 
 
You boast much, dear Consul, of Liberty’s Tree,
You say that the Dutch and the Swiss are quite free!
If such Freedom as this to give Britain’s your aim,
Try your skill, that I soon to yourself may lay claim!
Derry down, &c.
 
 
When the Time shall arrive that’s determin’d by Fate —
That you quit for Invasion your Consular Seat;
Fear not – if bold Britons should prove your o’erthrow,
You’re sure of a Seat in my Kingdom below!
Derry down, &c.
 

Gillray (July 20, 1803) produced the ‘Death of the Corsican Fox – Scene, the last of the Royal Hunt,’ in which George III. holding his horse’s bridle, with one hand holds up the Corsican Fox, to throw to his hounds, St. Vincent, Nelson, Sydney Smith, Gardner, Cornwallis, and others – shouting merrily, meanwhile, ‘Tally ho! Tally ho! ho! ho! ho!’

CHAPTER XXX

INVASION SQUIBS, CONTINUED – BONAPARTE’S TEN COMMANDMENTS, ETC

THE NEW MOSES

OR

Bonaparte’s Ten Commandments

Translated from a French Manuscript,By Soliman the Traveller

And when the great man came from Egypt, he used cunning, and force, to subject the people. The good, as well as the wicked, of the land trembled before him, because he had won the hearts of all the fighting men; and, after he had succeeded in many of his schemes, his heart swelled with pride, and he sought how to ensnare the people more and more, to be the greatest man under the Sun.

The Multitude of the people were of four kinds; some resembled blind men, that cannot see; some were fearful, who trembled before him; others courageous, and for the good of the people, but too weak in number; and others yet, who were as wicked as the great man himself. And when he was at the head of the deluded nation, he gave strict laws, and the following commandments, which were read before a multitude of people, and in a full congregation of all his priests:

1. Ye Frenchmen, ye shall have no other commander above me, for I, Bonaparte, am the supreme head of the nation, and will make all nations bow down to you, and obey me, as your Lord, and Commander.

2. Ye shall not have any graven images upon your coin, in marble, wood, or metal, which might represent any person above me; nor shall ye acknowledge any person to excel me, whether he be among the living or the dead; whether he be in the happy land of the enlightened French, or in the cursed island of the dull English; for I, the Chief Consul of France, am a jealous hero, and visit disobedience of an individual upon a whole nation, and of a father upon the children, and upon the third and fourth generation of them that hate me; and shew mercy unto those that love me, and humble themselves.

3. Ye shall not trifle with my name, nor take it in vain; nor shall you suffer that any other nation treat it disrespectfully, for I will be the sole commander upon earth, and make you triumph over your enemies.

4. Remember, that ye keep the days of prayers, and pray for me as the head of the Nation and the future Conqueror of the base English. Ye shall pray fervently, with your faces cast upon the ground, and not look at the priest when he pronounces my name; for I am a jealous hero, and delight in my priests, because they are humble, and I have regarded the lowliness of their hearts, and forgiven them all their past iniquities. And ye priests, remember the power of him, who made you his creatures, and do your duty.

5. Respect and honour all French heroes, that ye may find mercy in mine eyes for all your iniquities, and that ye may live in the land, in which I, the Lord, your Commander, live.

6. Ye shall not murder each other, save it be by my own commands, for purposes that may be known to me alone; but of your enemies, and all those nations that will not acknowledge your, and my, greatness, ye may kill an infinite number; for that is a pleasing sight in the eyes of your supreme commander.

7. Ye shall not commit adultery at home, whatever ye may do in the land of infidels, and the stiff-necked people; for they are an abomination to the Lord, your Commander.

8. Ye shall not steal at home, but suppress your covetousness, and insatiable desire of plunder, until ye may arrive in the land of our enemies. Ye shall neither steal from them with indiscretion, but seem to give with the left hand, when the right taketh.

9. Ye shall not bear false witness against your neighbour, if he should distinguish himself in the land of the enemies.

10. Ye shall not covet any thing of your neighbour, but everything of your enemies; his jewels, his gold, his silver, his horse or ass, his maid, his daughter, his wife, or anything in which your hearts find delight; and ye may take it, but still with cunning; for the Lord, your Commander, loveth mildness, more than strength, to please the people when he plunders. – Use the sword in battle, cunning after it, look for plunder, but subject the people to me; – herein lie all my commandments, and those who keep them shall be protected by my power and prosper in all my undertakings.

MASTER BONEY’S

HEARTY WELCOME TO ENGLAND

Being the Song of Songs, and worth all the Songs in the World put together

To be sung, or said, by every Jovial Fellow, who is a

True Lover of our good King and most happy

Constitution

 
Should Boney come hither, our Britons declare,
They’d flog the dog well – you may surely guess where:
While others have vow’d, they would hang him as high,
As Haman the Jew – ’twixt the earth and the sky.
Boney down, down, down, Boney down.
 
 
Some say they will treat him no better than fleas,
And ’twixt thumb and finger they’ll give him a squeeze;
Whilst some by the ears, the vile Ruffian they’ll lug,
And others will give him a good Cornish hug.
Boney down, &c.
 
 
Nay, many would clap him in cage for a show,
At two pence a piece, Sirs – the price is too low:
Whilst others would drive him post haste to the Tower,
A tit-bit for tygers and wolves to devour.
Boney down, &c.
 
 
Stand by, says young Snip, don’t you see my bold shears?
For the least I will have, is his nose or his ears;
Says the Cook, I will baste him, and humble his pride,
Cries the Tanner, Pox take him, I’ll tan his vile hide.
Boney down, &c.
 
 
Says the Butcher, I’ll knock down the dog like an ox,
Cries the Constable bold – put the knave in the Stocks;
Says the Chandler, when once to the Pill’ry he hies,
Rotten eggs will I furnish to bung up his eyes.
Boney down, &c.
 
 
Says the Doctor, I’m ready to give him a pill,
For the doctors, like Boney, they know how to kill;
Says the Lawyer, I’ll make the cur presently mute,
When once I shall bring him the cost of his suit.
Boney down, &c.
 
 
Cries the Huntsman, I long on his shoulders to ride,
I warrant a good pair of spurs I’ll provide.
Says the Welchman, I’ll toast him as I would toast cheese;
Says Paddy, I’ll whack him, as long as you plase.
Boney down, &c.
 
 
Cries a brave bonny Scot, Mon, gee mee his lug,
And I’ll squeeze him as flat as a bonnock or bug;
Says old Suds, I will shave him with razor so notch’d,
As shall leave his black muzzle most famously scotch’d.
Boney down, &c.
 
 
Says the Dust-man, I’ll dust him – you know what I mean,
I’ll give him a hide, all black, blue and green;
Says the Mason, I’ll case him in good bricks and mortar,
No, no, says Jack Ketch – don’t you see this nice halter?
Boney down, &c.
 
 
Says the Baker, the Rogue in my oven I’ll poke;
Cries young Sweep – in the chimney I’ll give him a smoke;
The Cobler will give him a stitch in the heel,
And here’s Moll, who would skin him as clean as an eel.
Boney down, &c.
 
 
But here’s Tom the Miller, who swears he’ll have Boney,
And grind him as close as – Old Hunks keeps his money.
Nay, stop, cries the Joiner, I’ll saw off his head,
Cries the Surgeon, we’ll have him as soon as he’s dead.
Boney down, &c.
 
 
Then stretch the Dog out, and when flat on his back,
We’ll cut out his heart to see if it’s black;
For sure such another, no mortal e’er saw,
Unless vomited forth, from old Belzebub’s maw.
Boney down, &c.
 
 
But now for his flesh – we must lay bare his bones,
And then let him stand clear of Old Davy Jones,⁷⁶
But Davy will have him, as sure as a gun,
So now Master Boney, here ends all your fun.
Boney down, &c.
 
 
The Soldiers will stick him – the Sailor he cries,
He’ll never come hither, the Rascal’s too wise;
He knows that the Tars of Old England ne’er shrink,
But him, and his flat-bottom’d boats they will sink.
Boney down, &c.
 
 
’Twou’d weary your patience to hear folks repeat,
How Boney the Pigmy they’re anxious to treat;
So let him come hither, we’ll soon make a ring,
Then fight till we die, for our Country and King.
Boney down, &c.
 

Among the caricatures, West gives us (July 1803) ‘A British Chymist Analizing a Corsican Earth Worm!!’ Bonaparte is in a retort, being distilled, and George the Third is examining a cup of his extract, with a magnifying glass, saying, ‘I think I can now pretty well ascertain the ingredients of which this insect is composed – viz. – Ambition and self sufficiency, two parts – Forgetfulness – one part – some light Invasion Froth, on the surface, and a prodigious quantity of fretful passion, and conceited Arrogance is the residue!!’

‘Little Ships, or John Bull very Inquisitive’ (artist unknown, July 1803), shews us Napoleon employed in cutting toy ships out of bits of wood; he has already filled a large basket with them, and has two or three before him, on a table. John Bull, with a terrific oaken cudgel, comes suddenly upon him, saying, ‘I ax Pardon for coming in with my hat on, without knocking – but, hearing a nation thumping in your workshop – thought I may as well step up stairs, and see what the youngster is about.’ Napoleon replies, ‘Don’t be alarm’d Johnny – I am only making a few little Ships, for my own Private Amusement.’

The following broadside was printed with different headings, so as to sell in different counties —

TWENTY THOUSAND POUNDS

REWARD

Middlesex (to wit)

To all Constables, Head boroughs, Tithing Men, and other Officers of the County of Middlesex, and to every of whom it may concern,

Whereas a certain ill disposed Vagrant, and common disturber, commonly called, or known by the name of Napoleon Bonaparte, alias Jaffa Bonaparte, alias Opium Bonaparte, alias Whitworth Bonaparte, alias Acre Bonaparte, still continues to go about swindling and defrauding divers Countries, Cities, Towns, and Villages, under divers, various, and many false and wicked pretences, out of their Rights, Comforts, Conveniences, and Cash; And whereas the said Napoleon Bonaparte, alias Jaffa Bonaparte, alias Opium Bonaparte, alias Whitworth Bonaparte, alias Acre Bonaparte, hath been guilty of divers Outrages, Rapes, and Murders, at Jaffa, Rosetta, and elsewhere; And whereas It is strongly suspected that the said Napoleon Bonaparte, alias Jaffa Bonaparte, alias Opium Bonaparte, alias Whitworth Bonaparte, alias Acre Bonaparte, hath in contemplation at the Day of the Date of these presents, to land in some, (but in what, part is not yet known) of Great Britain or Ireland: We do hereby will and require, that in case the said Napoleon Bonaparte, alias Jaffa Bonaparte, alias Opium Bonaparte, alias Whitworth Bonaparte, alias Acre Bonaparte, shall be found to lurk, and wander up and down your Bailiwick, that you bring before us the body of the said Napoleon Bonaparte, alias Jaffa Bonaparte, alias Opium Bonaparte, alias Whitworth Bonaparte, alias Acre Bonaparte, on or before the Morrow⁷⁷ of All Souls, that he may be forthwith sent to our Jail for Wild Beasts, situate, standing, and being, over Exeter ‘Change in the Strand, without Bail or Mainprize; and that he be there placed in a certain Iron Cage, with the Ouran Outang, or some other ferocious and voracious animal like himself, for the purpose of being tamed, or until a warrant shall issue to our beloved subject Jack Ketch, to deal with him according to Law and the Virtue of his Office; and this in no-wise omit at your peril. Witness our hands

John Doe and Richard Roe.

The said Napoleon Bonaparte, alias Jaffa Bonaparte, alias Opium Bonaparte, alias Whitworth Bonaparte, alias Acre Bonaparte, is a Corsican by birth, about five feet four inches in height of a swarthy black complexion, dark hair and eye brows, and resembles a great deal in person, a Bear-leader, or one of the Savoyards who play on the reeds at Vauxhall: he is remarkable for walking fast, and taking long strides, and has been thought to squint, though it is, in fact, no more than a cast in the left eye, with looking too much at one object – Old England – to which over application, he also owes being afflicted with the Jaundice.

The above reward will be paid by the County immediately on apprehension.

CHAPTER XXXI

INVASION, continued, – ‘BRITONS, STRIKE HOME’ – BONAPARTE’S WILL

At this time much use was made of the phrase ‘Britons, strike home!’ which first appears in an adaptation of Beaumont and Fletcher’s play of ‘Bonduca,’ or Boadicea – which was set to music by Henry Purcell in 1695. The few words are not in the original drama, but are interpolated with other songs, and form a solo and chorus.

 
Brit – ons, strike home, Re – venge, re – venge your
coun – — try’s wrongs. Fight, fight and re -
– cord, fight, fight and re –  cord your —
selves in Dru – ids’ songs, Fight,
fight and re – cord, fight, fight and re -
– cord, re –  cord your –  selves in Dru –  ids’ songs.
 

But these simple words would hardly suit the times, so a brand new patriotic song was evolved, embodying the title

BRITONS, STRIKE HOME!

A New Song

 
Should Frenchmen e’er pollute Britannia’s strand,
Or press with hostile hoof this sacred land;
The daring deed should every Briton arm,
To save his native land from dire alarm;
Her free born Sons should instant take the field,
The Altar and the Throne at once to shield.
Britons, strike home! avenge your Country’s cause,
Protect your King, your Liberties, and Laws!
 
 
Repel the Foe, that, desperate, dares invade
The land protected by great Sydney’s shade;
And in the cause for which your Hampden bled,
Should ev’ry Briton’s blood be freely shed;
A cause no less than Liberty and Life,
The poor Man’s Home, his Children and his Wife.
Britons, strike home! &c.
 
 
The base Usurper comes – his troops advance,
And line, with threat’ning front, the shores of France;
Already has the Despot given the word;
Already has he drawn his blood stain’d sword;
While Jaffa’s plains attest th’ Assassin’s skill,
Poison and blood – the dagger and the pill.
Britons, strike home! &c.
 
 
No common war we wage, our native land
Is menac’d by a murderous, ruthless band;
The Throne and Altar by their Chief o’erturn’d,
And at his feet one half the prostrate world!
‘Plunder and Rape and Death’’s the hostile cry,
‘Fire to your towns – to Britons slavery!’
Britons, strike home! &c.
 
 
Come, Bonaparte, come! we are prepar’d;
No British heart a foreign foe e’er fear’d.
What! tho’ an abject world in arms should rise,
In England’s cause, a Briton death defies;
If to herself she prove but firm and true,
Gaul, and her frantic Chief, she’ll make to rue.
Britons, strike home! &c.
 
 
Plung’d in the deep, her navy we’ll confound,
Or with French blood manure our British ground;
Drive backward to the sea the Gallic slaves,
And whelm their host, like Pharaoh’s, in the waves;
Restore lost Peace and Plenty to our isle,
And make the land again with gladness smile.
Britons, strike home! &c.
 

There is an amusing picture by West (July 1803) called Amusement after Dinner, or The Corsican Fairy displaying his Prowess.’ George the Third and Queen Charlotte are at dessert, which is, as was their whole ménage, frugal, consisting only of a blancmange – the top ornament of which is a fleet of ships, behind which is a pineapple (the King fruit, as it was called on its introduction into England), the summit of which bears a crown. The royal pair are highly amused by the antics of the Corsican fairy (Napoleon) who vapours about the table in huge cocked hat and enormous sword. Pointing to the blancmange, he says, ‘If I could but get over this dish of Blanche Mange, I would soon invade the Pine Apple.’

In ‘A Monstrous Stride,’ by I. Cruikshank (July 25, 1803), Bonaparte is represented as flourishing his sword and, having one foot on Turkey and Poland, is attempting to put the other on Great Britain, but steps short, and comes among the fleet guarding the English shores. Underneath the picture is ‘He will put his foot in it.’

There was a somewhat amusing political squib on Napoleon, published some time in July of this year, entitled

BONAPARTE’S WILL

In the name of my Trinity, the Goddess of Reason, Mahomet the Prophet, and Pius the Pope; We the most great, most magnanimous, and most puissant Brutus Aly Napoleon Bonaparte, son to a Spy, grandson to a Butcher, and great-grandson to a Galley Slave, Emperor of the Gauls, First Consul of France, President of Italy, Landamman of Switzerland, Director of Holland, King of Etruria, Protector of Emperors, Dictator and Creator of Kings, Electors, Princes, Cardinals, Senators, Generals, Bishops, Prefects, Actors, Schoolmasters, &c., &c., &c., do declare, that notwithstanding the adulation of our Slaves, and their assurances of immortality, the pangs of our conscience, the decay of our body, the fear of recoiling daggers, the dreadful anticipation of infernal machines emitting fire and smoke, invented at Jaffa, and the hissing breath of the poisonous serpents generated at El Arish, remind us that we soon must die, and that our power must die with us. We, therefore, according to the Senatus Consultum of our free Senate, do declare this to be our last Will and Testament, as follows:

Imprimis

To our most beloved, and dearest Ibrahim Rostan, Mameluke, we give and bequeath after our decease, the crown of Henry IV., the sceptre of Saint Louis, and the throne of France and Navarre, the sovereignty and sovereign disposal of the lives and fortunes of thirty millions of Frenchmen, of six millions of Italians, of seven millions of Spaniards, of two millions of Helvetians, and of three millions of Batavians, (except as is hereafter excepted) and we enjoin and charge all the world to acknowledge, adore, and respect this Mameluke, Ibrahim Rostan, the African, as the natural and legal successor of us, Brutus Aly Napoleon Bonaparte, the Corsican.

We give and bequeath in reversion, to Citizen Barras, our dear Consort, much improved, and more enriched, but reserving to ourselves the disposal of her virtuous Maids of Honour, whom we give and bequeath to our Legion of Honour, as a reward due as well to the virtues of the one, as to the valour of the other.

We give and bequeath to our dearly beloved brother Joseph, the presidency of the Italian Republic, together with our dearly bought Minister Talleyrand, to be disposed of as his own property, in all future negociations.

To our dearly beloved brother Lucien, we give and bequeath our Batavian Republic, and our Minister Chaptal, who, hereafter, shall write his speeches, dictate his letters, and correct his spelling.

To our dearly beloved brother Louis, we bequeath our Helvetian Republic, and our Minister Berthier, accompanied with the sense of his Secretary Achambau, whose instructions, in some time, may enable him to become a good Corporal of Grenadiers.

To our dearly beloved brother Jerome, we bequeath, in petto, the sovereignty of the seas, with our minister of Marine, and all the admirals of our navy, doubting, however, if their united efforts will make him a good midshipman.

To our dearly beloved Mother, we give and bequeath his Holiness, the Pope, and our uncle, Cardinal Frere⁷⁸; with a Pope, and a Cardinal, in her possession, her stay in purgatory must be short, and in Heaven long.

To our dearly beloved sisters, Mistresses Bacchiocchi, Murat, Santa Cruce, and Le Clerc, we give and bequeath our family honours, chastity, modesty, and moderation.

To our dear son in law, Eugenius Beauharnais, we give and bequeath Parma and Plaisance,⁷⁹ with our dear countryman Sebastiani, who will instruct him to drive like a coachman, and ride like a postillion.

To our much beloved daughter in law, Madame Fanny Beauharnais, as a reward for her loyalty, we bequeath a representation, in wax, of the scaffold of her father, and the throne of her mother, both designed by the revolutionary modellers, Barras & Co.

To our dear uncle, Cardinal Frere,79 we give and bequeath the triple crown of St. Peter, in petto, and to all our nameless known and unknown relatives, we give and bequeath the kingdom of Etruria, to be disposed of to the highest bidder, and its value laid out in mourning rings, to be equally distributed amongst them, and certain Continental Princes hereinafter mentioned.

We give and bequeath to our dear friend the King of Spain, an Etrurian mourning ring, and four family pictures, representing the Bourbons dethroned, the Bourbons degraded, the Bourbons repenting, and the Bourbons forgiven.

We give and bequeath to the King of Naples, three marble statues, after a model by his Queen, representing Faith, Loyalty, and Constancy; and to the Kings of Sardinia, we bequeath our promises of honour, to be equally divided between them.

We give and bequeath to his Holiness the Pope, the doctrines of the Goddess of Reason, the Alcoran of Mahomet, and the atheism of our Institute; all true relics; besides, to himself, his successors, and College of Cardinals, we bequeath concordant mourning rings, from the manufactory of our Counsellor of State Portalis.⁸⁰

We give and bequeath to his Imperial Majesty the Emperor of Germany, two drawings, representing Hope amongst the ruins of Turkey, and Desire contemplating Bavaria, designed by Citizen Dupe, and sold by Citizen Plot.

We give and bequeath to his Imperial Majesty the Emperor of Russia, three pictures, representing Louis XVI. upon the Throne, Louis XVI. in the Temple, and Louis XVI. upon the Scaffold; by Citizens Loyalty, Monarchy, and Warning.

We give and bequeath to our dearest friend the King of Prussia, the landscape of Hanover, with the Imperial Crown in perspective, by Citizens Royalty, Jacobin, and Rebel.

We give and bequeath to our natural Ally the Emperor of the Turkish Empire, the description of our Conquests of Egypt, our flight from Egypt, and our future return to Egypt, by Citizens Treachery, Cowardice, and Design.

We give and bequeath to his Majesty the King of the United Kingdoms of Great Britain, and Ireland, the United Navy of Holland and France, commanded by Citizen Envy, mann’d by Citizen Coalition, and lost by Citizen Invasion.

We give and bequeath to his Majesty the King of Sweden, the French original representation of the assassination of Gustavus III. to remind him of vengeance, honour and duty.

We give to our dear friend the King of Denmark, an original painting, of the insults, torments, and death, of his Queen Caroline Matilda; designed and executed by two celebrated French artists, Citizens Intrigue and Crime.

We give and bequeath to the Regent of Portugal, a Code of our Revolutionary Laws of Nations, and a chapter of the Rebel Etiquette of Grenadier Ambassadors, explained and illustrated by Citizens Sans Culottes, Rudeness, and Impudence.

We give and bequeath to our friend the Elector of Bavaria the Bible of the Theophilanthropes, and the Concordat of Portalis, as an assistance to his patriotic illuminated ministers, in their political reformations, and religious innovations.

We give and bequeath to our chosen Grand Master of Malta, the Musical Opera of the Capture of Malta, performed in 1798 with a Concerto by Citizen Treason, and in 1800 with a Bravura, by Citizen Valour, with the farcical afterpiece of the Recapture, performed at Amiens, by Citizens Fraud and Treaty.

To all other Continental Sovereigns, who have accepted more or less of our bountiful indemnities, we give and bequeath our mourning rings of honour; and to all other ambassadors, ministers, agents, and deputies, who have negociated, intrigued, bribed, or begged indemnities, we give and bequeath, with our consciences of honour, the revolutionary principles of Necker, the ex-minister, the probity, and disinterestedness of Talleyrand, our minister, and the honour and virtue of Fouché our senator, to be equally divided amongst them, share and share alike.

We give and bequeath to all Sovereigns upon earth, who have acknowledged our Corsican Kingdom of Etruria, and to their ministers and counsellors, Iron mourning rings, from the axe of the Guillotine, of the Luneville manufactory, bearing the following inscription, ‘Monarchy degraded, and Monarchy dishonoured, Feb. 1801.’⁸¹

We give and bequeath to the Citizens of the Republics in Italy, Switzerland, and Holland, our Corsican Mourning rings, with an inscription, ‘Liberty lost, 1801, and unrevenged, 1803.’

N.B. – We give and bequeath to the Citizens of the United States of America, the funeral speeches on the tombs of the Liberty of France, Germany, Switzerland, Italy, and Holland, translated and published by Citizen Plot, in Louisiana.

To all our Senators, Legislators, Tribunes, Counsellors, Ministers, Generals, Cardinals, Bishops, Prefects, &c., &c., &c., and to all other of our Slaves of every denomination and description, whether Rebel, Royalist, or Regicide Jacobins; either Traitors, Apostates, Murderers, or Plunderers, we give and bequeath the Cannon of St. Napoleon, the dagger of St. Brutus, the poison of St. Aly, the Guillotine of St. Robespierre, and the halter of St. Judas; all true relics, to be equally divided amongst them.

We give and bequeath to the Manes of all the Citizens butchered by us at Toulon, murdered by us at Paris, and poisoned by us in Egypt; our confession to our Cardinal Bishop at Paris, and our absolution from his Holiness the Pope.

We command, and desire most earnestly, not to be buried in any Church or Church-yard, in any mosque or pantheon, but in the common sewer of Montmartre, where the corses of our worthy predecessors, Marat and Robespierre, were deposited; but for the quiet of our soul, we do order, and put into requisition, La Revalliere, high priest to the Goddess of Reason, Mercier, the atheist of the Institute, Amarat, the mufti of Constantinople, and Pius the Pope of Rome, to say prayers over our tomb, and to read ‘Domine salvum fac Consulem,’ sic transit Gloria mundi!

Lastly, to Louis the XVIII. commonly called the Pretender, and to all Princes of the House of Bourbon, their heirs, executors, administrators, and assigns, we give and bequeath our everlasting hate; and it is our further will and pleasure, that, if any potentate or power, shall harbour the said Louis XVIII. or any of the said princes, such harbouring shall be a good cause of war; and the potentate and power guilty of such humanity, and hospitality, shall be punished by a Coalition of Powers as a violater of the law of nations, and contrary to the rights of man.

In Witness whereof, we have hereunto set our hand and seal the 25th day of Prairial, (14 June, 1803) in the eleventh year of the French Republic, one and indivisible.

Brutus Aly Napoleon Bonaparte.

As a specimen of the bombast of the time, we may take the subjoined illustration of what our Tars would do with Napoleon.