Buch lesen: «Tempestuous Affair»

CHAPTER ONE

‘LINDSAY? Lindsay, open this door, damn you!’

She wasn’t distressed or shocked by the cold anger in Joel’s voice as he shouted through the thickness of her closed flat door; she had been expecting him, and this reaction. She hadn’t known at what time, or even precisely what day, but she had known he would come here as soon as he returned from his business trip. Maybury would have told him, of course. And he was far from pleased—as she had known he would be.

‘Lindsay,’ his voice had lowered now, becoming cajoling. ‘Let me in and we can talk.’

Talk. It had never got them anywhere in the past, and she doubted very much that it would get them anywhere now.

‘Lindsay, please!’

His pleading was her undoing. Joel Sutherland never pleaded for anything, least of all for a woman to talk to him; there were so many others who were only too willing to do a lot more than that! The fact that he was pleading with her now only enhanced how desperate he was that they should at least talk.

She moved forward with naturally graceful movements, the golden hair level with her jaw framing the beauty of her face, a face that until minutes ago had been ravaged with indecision. But none of that showed now, in her green almond-shaped eyes surrounded by light brown lashes, her nose small and pert, her perfectly formed bow of a mouth made to look even more provocative by the deep rose-coloured lipgloss she wore. She had the face and body of a model, but more intelligence than to involve herself in such a precarious and shortlived profession. The laughter lines beside her eyes seemed to indicate that she enjoyed what she did with her life, and that life liked her too.

But she wasn’t enjoying her life right now, as she opened the door apprehensively to Joel, knowing from experience that the next half an hour or so wasn’t going to be pleasant. She hadn’t been his secretary for the past year without realising that, and she knew that when things were going well for him no one could be more charming, but when things were going badly …! Objects had been known to fly across the room at such times. And she had a feeling this was going to be one of those times!

Joel didn’t wait for her to do more than unlock the door, pushing it open forcefully as he strode angrily into the room, looking about him with narrowed eyes, as if he hadn’t expected her to be alone. He turned back to look at her as she slowly closed the door. ‘Where is he?’ he bit out.

Her frown of puzzlement was completely genuine; she had no idea what he was talking about. ‘Who?’

‘Roger Hillier,’ he dismissed with impatient anger. ‘Or am I too early?’ He glanced at the gold watch on his wrist. ‘Yes, I suppose I am, he doesn’t usually crawl out of bed until dusk,’ he derided with contempt.

Lindsay took a few minutes to drink in her fill of the man who held her heart in the palm of his hand. He still affected her as deeply as he had the first moment she had seen him, still made her heart flutter in her chest, her palms suddenly feel damp. At thirty-four, twelve years her senior, his dark hair showed not even a sprinkling of grey, growing thick and black in unruly disarray, in a habitual state of having those lean sensitive hands run through it. His eyes were his most dominant feature, golden when he was elated or pleased, tawny when he was angry. There was no doubt about what colour they were now! A long thin nose jutted out above the full sensuality of his mouth, his jaw was square and firm. It wasn’t a handsome face by any stretch of the imagination; what it was was strong, telling of the power he wielded day after day with the expertise of his camera. Unlike many of his contemporaries he chose to shun the use of casual denims and shirts for the main part, claiming that his clients could have more confidence in a man who didn’t look like a reject from the sixties! The success of his photographic agency seemed to indicate he was right. The fact that he looked his best in the three-piece suits he favoured, the jackets fitting over the broadness of his shoulders, the waistcoat buttoned tautly over his flat stomach, the trousers fitting snugly to his narrow hips and long muscular legs, helped, of course.

He was wearing one of those suits now, a brown one with contrasting cream shirt, his hair slightly longer than he usually wore it after a month away from his regular hairdresser. Joel looked everything that he was, powerful, successful, dynamic—and even after six months of living with him Lindsay was no nearer to knowing his complexities, let alone understanding them!

‘So when is Hillier due to arrive?’ His mouth was twisted derisively now.

‘Why?’

‘So I can have the pleasure of breaking his neck when he does, of course!’ he rasped, his eyes glittering.

Lindsay sat down with a calmness she had learnt was essential when dealing with a man like Joel. Ranting and raving back at him was exactly what he wanted, especially when he was spoiling for a fight, like now.

The pale green silk dress she wore fell silkily about her long legs as she sat, its shirtwaister style flattering to her slender figure, a bow-neck taking away any plainness in the style of the dress. Joel always liked her to dress in clothes that weren’t too fussy or frilly, and over the past months she had bought her wardrobe with him in mind.

‘Why should you imagine Roger is coming here at all?’ she asked coolly, her gaze steady.

‘Because he’s been after you for months to go and work for him,’ Joel scowled, pacing the room.

‘Is that why you persuaded me to live with you?’ she asked with bitterness.

‘I’m not that desperate to keep a secretary!’ he snapped.

‘And I’m not that desperate to find myself another job!’ Her eyes flashed warningly, deeply green.

Joel stopped his pacing long enough to look down at her, frowning darkly, the tawny eyes showing his confusion. ‘Does that mean you haven’t left me?’

‘It means I’m still your secretary,’ she told him pointedly. ‘For as long as you want me to be.’

‘And moving back to this apartment? God, I didn’t even know you had kept up the lease,’ he bit out.

Lindsay shrugged with a casualness she was far from feeling. ‘You never asked.’

‘I assumed—But it never pays to assume with you, does it!’ he accused angrily. ‘I assumed you would be at my apartment waiting for me when I got back today, and look how wrong I was about that!’ He glared at her fiercely.

‘It may have escaped your notice,’ she was still outwardly calm, although she knew from experience how quickly that could change, Joel being able to fire her temper as no one else had ever done, ‘but the six months ended while you were away.’

‘It didn’t “escape my notice” at all,’ he said furiously. ‘It just never occurred to me that you would leave.’

‘That was the agreement when I first moved in with you,’ she reminded him.

His eyes gleamed with as yet suppressed fury. ‘The agreement was that we would reassess the situation at the end of six months.’ His voice was controlled, too controlled not to be dangerous.

‘As you weren’t here I did that on my own.’

‘And moved out!’

‘Yes.’

‘Why?’ he demanded to know. ‘That’s what I can’t understand.’ Lindsay shrugged. ‘It was for the best.’

‘Whose best?’

‘Mine,’ she told him with simplicity.

He seemed to pale, as if she had inflicted a deep hurt on him. But she knew that wouldn’t be true. Joel would be the first to admit he didn’t have a heart to inflict pain to!

‘And what about me?’ he asked quietly. ‘I certainly didn’t want you to leave.’

‘I know that,’ she nodded.

‘Then why did you?’ His hands clenched into fists at his sides. ‘The last six months with you have been the best time of my life. I thought you felt the same way, in fact I would swear that you did,’ he added challengingly.

She moistened her lips with the pink tip of her tongue. The trouble with that last accusation was that she did. Living with Joel, being with him day and night for the last six months, had been the most wonderful six months she had ever known—and they had also been the most heartbreaking! She loved a man who refused to believe there was such an emotion, who scorned at those who did, so how could she ever know true happiness with him?

Oh, she had known all this about him six months ago, had been sure she could convince him otherwise when so many others had failed to do so, had moved in with him because she believed that. On the surface they were happy together, Joel being content to have her in his office with him every day, and in his bed every night, never letting her fall asleep without showing her very convincingly how much he desired and wanted her. And she had been content with those things too for a while, until it became obvious that it would never change, that Joel would only ever want her as a live-in lover and nothing more.

The only thing he had ever shared with her had been his work; his family and his life before he met her a closed book. The latter it had been easy to find out about; he was a world-renowned photographer and the press had reported his much-varied love-life the last five or six years. About his family she only knew that his parents lived in the south of England, and that he hadn’t visited them once while they lived together. It wasn’t much information to have accumulated about the man she lived with so intimately, and even that hadn’t been told to her by Joel himself. He was a very private man, so private he didn’t allow even those who cared about him close to him.

She still loved him, that would never change, but she wanted more from him, needed more. And he just didn’t have it to give. She didn’t like admitting she had failed, although she knew her mother would be relieved, never having approved of the relationship from the first. Her older sister had been the only one who understood and encouraged what she was trying to do; Judi was always there to listen when Lindsay needed someone to talk to. And that had been often since she had known Joel, the first rosy glow of being with him quickly deteriorating to uncertainty, and finally fear, a fear that had been proven when it became obvious he couldn’t love her.

‘I did,’ she began. ‘I——’

‘Did?’ he repeated harshly. ‘What’s that supposed to mean? Either you’ve liked living with me or you haven’t!’

‘I have. But——’

‘And you can’t deny that physically we’re perfect together,’ he added determinedly.

Lindsay blushed under his narrow-eyed stare. There was no denying what had been obvious from their first night together, when as a complete novice when it came to making love she had been initiated into a world of sensuality with a tenderness and an expertise that had meant she knew none of the pain she had associated with that dreaded ‘first time’. Joel had been elated at the idea of being her first lover, and had gone on to teach her every physical intimacy there was between a man and a woman. That part of their relationship had only got better as time went on, even Lindsay’s uncertainties about their future together not affecting that.

‘You know we are,’ she mumbled. ‘But——’

‘Then what are you doing here?’ he demanded to know forcefully. ‘And why did you never mention it to me when I telephoned you at the office? Maybury said you moved out a couple of days after I went to America.’

‘That’s right, I did. And if you’d ever called me at the apartment in the evenings Maybury would have told you I’d gone.’ Joel’s manservant had had instructions to do just that. Only Joel never telephoned her in the evenings; he had been so sure that she would be waiting for him that he hadn’t found out until his return that she had flown their love-nest.

Love-nest! That was a lie in itself. She loved, Joel just wanted, only she had been too much in love to see that was all it was. Joel had her to run his office efficiently, Maybury to see that his apartment was kept clean and comfortable, and that his meals were served when and if he wanted them. The only thing left for the woman in his life to do was share his bed, and after a while that could become a little degrading. They didn’t share their thoughts, and they didn’t share their dreams, even Lindsay’s usually open manner learning caution after Joel’s first half a dozen lukewarm responses to her mentions of her family and friends. He didn’t want to meet either, feeling it would be highly hypocritical when most of them disapproved of their relationship. And maybe it would have been, but it would also have made Lindsay extremely happy!

Most of her family and friends would tell her she was a fool, that everything she now knew about Joel, his independence from all emotional relationships, his arrogance when he felt he had been slighted, his cold-blooded disregard for anyone’s feelings but his own, had all been there for her to see before she took the irrevocable step of moving in with him. And she did know it now, to her cost.

Joel looked even more angry than ever. ‘You aren’t telling me you left me simply because I didn’t have the time to call you in the evenings?’ He sounded disgusted.

Her eyes flashed. ‘I hope you know me better than that,’ she said stiffly.

‘I’m beginning to think I don’t know you at all,’ he ground out.

‘I left you because it was time to leave.’ She refused to be antagonised into losing her temper. ‘We want different things from life,’ she told him wearily.

‘I want you!’

‘But you don’t love me.’

His eyes narrowed to wary amber slits. ‘You knew that from the beginning, I told you then how it would be.’

She deserved this, although she hadn’t expected Joel to be the first to tell her, ‘I told you so’. ‘Yes,’ she sighed acknowledgement of his honesty about his feeling from the first.

‘But you expected more.’ His mouth twisted contemptuously.

She flinched at the derision in his voice. She hadn’t been expecting a belated declaration of love from him, not even for him to ask her to go back to him, but neither had she wanted him to scorn her desire, her need, for affection. He had never scorned her before, and it hurt.

‘I didn’t expect it,’ she replied quietly. ‘Although I wouldn’t have repulsed it either,’ she added huskily.

‘Lindsay?’

She stood up impatiently, her hands tightly clasped together. ‘We agreed to try living together, to see how it worked out. As far as I’m concerned it didn’t. So let it be the end of it.’

Joel swung her round, his hands rough on her arms. ‘Do you love me, Lindsay?’

Tears swam in her eyes as she looked up at him, so much taller than her despite her own considerable height. ‘And if I do?’ she asked softly.

His face became a shuttered mask, his eyes bleak, his hands falling away from her as he stepped away. ‘Love was never part of our agreement.’

‘Then it’s as well I don’t love you, isn’t it?’ She looked at him with challenge in her eyes, knowing by the narrowed suspicion of his that he wasn’t sure whether to believe her or not. Pride came to her rescue as she sensed his indecision. ‘I only made a supposition, Joel,’ she dismissed lightly. ‘I don’t love you or any other man. But I do want more from a relationship than you can give me.’

His mouth was a thin angry line. ‘Such as?’ he rasped.

She shrugged, putting her hands in the hip pockets of her dress so that he shouldn’t see them shaking. ‘Like sharing, giving, maybe even a little fun.’ She met his gaze steadily. ‘You’re so intent on keeping your emotions in check that you’ve forgotten even how to have that! Do you realise that the only times we’ve been out you’ve taken me to respectable restaurants or equally respectable clubs?’

‘Would you rather I’d taken you to unrespectable ones?’ he demanded exasperatedly.

‘You’re missing my point, Joel,’ she sighed.

‘I’m not sure you even know what that is!’

She blushed at his scorn, knowing he would never understand what she was trying to tell him, his emotions so firmly controlled that he couldn’t understand her need to share laughter and tears with him. ‘Okay, so maybe those two examples weren’t very good ones,’ she admitted. ‘All I’m trying to explain is that you never shared things with me. You shut me out of everything but your bed. And although that may be enough for some women it isn’t for me!’

‘Isn’t it?’

Lindsay swallowed hard at the dangerous softness of his voice, her senses instantly alerted. And she was right to feel nervous as she was pulled back against him, his arms about her waist as his lips nuzzled against her throat.

She groaned as the usual lethargy possessed her when he took her in his arms, trembling as his hands moved up to cup her breasts over the green silky dress, her nipples flowering to his touch after the weeks without him. He knew her so well, knew that her breasts were the most sensitive part of her body, gently squeezing her nipples between thumbs and fingers with just enough pressure to cause the pleasure-pain that made her weak at the knees.

She turned eagerly into his arms, needing to feel his lips on hers, wanting so much more than he was giving.

‘You see, Lindsay?’ He looked down at her triumphantly. ‘This is all that really counts.’

She was too aroused to be alarmed by his obvious satisfaction in her instantaneous response, already able to see them together in her imagination, their legs entwined, their naked bodies pressed together as they gave each other fulfilment that went beyond even the imagination.

All her plans to remain immune to him were forgotten as he plundered her mouth with ruthless intent, his fingers nimbly releasing the buttons down the front of her dress, smoothing the material down her arms to fall unheeded about her narrow waist. He cupped her bared breasts in his hands, his thumbtips moving across the already hardened tips to cause spasms of delight to course through her body, his tongue now penetrating the warm cavern of her mouth with rhythmic eroticism.

As he bent his head to claim first one nipple into his mouth with a sucking motion, and then the other, Lindsay’s fingers became entangled in the dark unruliness of his hair, pressing him against her as his tongue flicked erotically over the hardened nipple, barely aware of him unbuttoning his own clothing until his mouth moved back to hers, the heated dampness of his chest crushed abrasively against her extremely sensitive breasts.

‘Touch me, Lindsay,’ he encouraged with a groan. ‘Touch me the way I’ve dreamt of you touching me the last four weeks I’ve been away from you!’

His eyes were golden, evidence of how deeply aroused he was, and as her hand moved down to his thigh between them she could feel the physical evidence of his desire leaping against her. It had been a long time for both of them, and she could tell Joel was fast approaching the point of no return.

A sudden fear entered her at how close they were to making love, knowing that if they did that Joel would be able to persuade her to move back in with him, once again under his terms and conditions. No matter how much pain it cost her to do so, she knew she had to stop him now, before it was too late.

Her hands came up to push at his shoulders, as ineffectual as she had known they would be against his superior strength, although his eyes glittered dangerously as he sensed her withdrawal, his mouth claiming hers in a kiss of sensual demand, willing her not to turn away from him, his mouth becoming savage on hers as he sensed he was failing to convince her.

His head was raised sharply as he tasted the salt of her tears on their lips, his expression harsh as he looked down at her grief-stricken face. ‘Why are you crying?’ he rasped. ‘You’ve never cried before!’

She could see he despised the weakness, that he preferred his life to be uncomplicated by such emotions, and she pulled her dress back up her arms over her nakedness, very much aware of the nipples still pressed against the material in obvious arousal as he rebuttoned it for her.

‘Lindsay, tell me why you were crying?’ he demanded at her continued silence.

She looked at him with tear-wet eyes. ‘It’s over between us, can’t you see that?’ she choked.

His mouth twisted with derision. ‘You responded to me just now, you know you did.’

‘I told you, it isn’t enough!’

Something flickered deep in his eyes, a mixture of contempt and pity. ‘Why is it women always demand more?’ he derided bitingly. ‘I’ve given you all my time and loyalty. There’s been no one else for me since you moved in with me six months ago, and God knows I’ve had the opportunity!’

She knew that. A man as attractive as Joel, surrounded as he was every day by beautiful and desirable women, was sure to receive plenty of invitations. ‘It’s never been a question of that and you know it.’ She had never had reason to question his fidelity to her, knew that if he had wanted to be unfaithful to the tenacious relationship they had then he would simply tell her so; the one thing she knew she could always expect and get from him was honesty. No, she knew there had been no one else, and perhaps that in itself was a commitment from a man who had previously lived with no woman but made love to many. Only it still wasn’t enough for her.

‘I’m sorry,’ she told him flatly.

‘Sorry!’ he scorned. ‘For what? For leaving me? Or for leaving at a time when you knew I couldn’t stop you? Because you know damn well I would have done, don’t you?’ he accused fiercely.

She had known, and he was right, she had only found the strength to leave because he was away and unable to stop her. She would never have found the courage to come right out against him. ‘All that’s irrelevant now, Joel,’ she dismissed, running her fingertips through the silky tangle of her hair, feeling it fall back into style against her cheek. ‘I have left, and I have no intention of ever coming back.’

His eyes had narrowed to tawny slits. ‘So where does that leave us now?’

She swallowed hard. ‘I think that’s entirely up to you, don’t you?’ she said quietly.

He thrust his hands into his trousers pockets, his shirt and waistcoat still unbuttoned, falling open to his waist. ‘You aren’t involved with Hillier?’ he demanded harshly.

Lindsay frowned at his persistence in believing she was. ‘I’ve only ever seen him on the few occasions he’s been to the studio.’

‘When he made it perfectly obvious how attracted he is to you,’ Joel scowled his displeasure.

With any other man she would have put his behaviour down to jealousy, but with Joel she knew that wasn’t so; he was never jealous or possessive, believing in total personal freedom for everyone. No, he was just annoyed at the thought of possibly losing his secretary. ‘Roger is like that with all women.’ She dismissed, with a smile, the young photographer who had helped Joel in the past, flirtatious with every woman he came into contact with, regardless of age or beauty, and it didn’t mean a thing.

‘Since he set up on his own he’s been looking for a secretary/receptionist.’ Joel still didn’t look convinced.

‘Well, he’s never mentioned that to me,’ she shook her head.

‘He’s mentioned it to me!’ he rasped. ‘And I warned him off you. It took me long enough to find you!’

Lindsay stiffened as he confirmed what she had always thought to be true, that she was more important to him as a secretary than as the woman he lived with! ‘I’ve told you,’ she said coldly, ‘I’m still your secretary.’

‘For as long as I want you to be,’ he scorned.

‘Yes,’ she nodded.

‘I want you back where you belong!’ he grated, glaring at her. ‘At the apartment.’

‘I belong here, this is my home.’

‘Your home is with me!’

She moistened suddenly dry lips. ‘Joel, I——’

‘I’m not going to beg,’ he cut in angrily. ‘If I leave without you now I’ll never ask you again.’

She knew he meant it, knew he possessed a stubbornness that was equal to none, that pride often held him back from asking anything of anyone. ‘I’ll see you at nine o’clock on Monday morning,’ she told him softly, seeing the anger flare up anew in his eyes, knowing at that moment that he really hadn’t believed when he came here tonight that he would have to leave without her.

‘Damn you, then, Lindsay Pope!’ he bit out furiously, striding towards the door. ‘I never ask a woman for a second time!’ he warned her raggedly.

She looked at him with unflinching green eyes. ‘I’m counting on it.’

The apartment reverberated from the slam he gave the door as he left, and Lindsay winced from the aftershock, sitting down weakly in one of the armchairs. Whatever Joel had made of her last comment she knew that if he persisted in chasing after her she would eventually have given in. And that would just take her back to the same situation she had needed so desperately to escape from.

But it hadn’t been easy to say no to him, and she shook from the need to run after him and tell him it had all been a mistake. But common sense held her back—that, and the knowledge that she couldn’t suffer through another six months of knowing she meant nothing to him only to have him then turn around and ask her to leave because he was bored with her.

But it was going to be far from easy working, and seeing him every day, in future!

‘All right, Lindsay,’ her sister Judi, the older by two years, encouraged. ‘You can tell me what’s troubling you now that Mike’s gone out.’

Lindsay had driven down to spend the day with her family at the house in Cambridgeshire, only to find her mother out for the morning at church, and her tormenting younger brother Mike refusing to leave the house in case he missed any of their gossip, finally being persuaded to do so by a couple of his friends who called round.

She sighed at her sister’s perception. ‘You have to know some time, Judi. I’ve left Joel.’

Her sister frowned. She was as blonde and pretty as Lindsay, with an underlying sadness always present in her hazel eyes. ‘I thought you were happy together,’ she prompted gently.

‘Joel was,’ Lindsay corrected pointedly. ‘As long as I didn’t make any emotional demands on him.’

Judi’s expression was full of compassion. ‘And you made some, hmm?’

‘I had more sense than to try!’ she sighed. ‘It just didn’t work out, Judi,’ she explained in a stronger voice. ‘I thought I could be the one to change his mind about love and marriage. It must be the biggest deception a woman can give herself,’ she added self-derisively.

‘It was worth a try when you love him so much,’ her sister comforted.

Lindsay’s mouth twisted wryly. ‘I’m sure Mother doesn’t think so!’

‘You mustn’t mind her,’ Judi said gently. ‘She doesn’t understand anything except marriage, it’s just the way she expects things should be.’

Their mother had been left a widow five years ago, had enjoyed a happy married life with their father for over twenty years, and she just couldn’t understand—or forgive—Lindsay for simply moving in with Joel the way that she had. Nothing much had been said, the disapproval being mainly silent, but Lindsay had been as aware of it as if her mother had shouted it from the rooftops.

She had tried to persuade Joel to visit her mother sure that once the two of them met they would get on together. Joel had refused, and her mother had been unenthusiastic about the idea too, always complaining about their living arrangements when Lindsay visited home alone. To make matters worse Mike considered her living with Joel was really great, further encouraging her mother’s disapproval. If she needed any encouraging!

‘Do you think I was wrong, Judi?’ she voiced her uncertainty to her sister.

‘Not when you loved him so much,’ Judi shook her head.

‘But you and Jonathan never—I mean——’

‘No, we didn’t,’ Judi confirmed hollowly. ‘But I’ll always wish that we had.’

Lindsay’s eyes widened. ‘You will?’

Judi nodded. ‘But he refused to once he knew how ill he was, said he didn’t want us to have any accidents that would maybe prevent my marrying after—after he was gone. As if I’ll ever want to marry anyone else now that he’s dead!’

Judi’s fiancé Jonathan had died two years ago of leukaemia, leaving everyone who knew and loved him devastated by his loss, Judi had never recovered from losing her childhood sweetheart so tragically, the two of them having dated since they were at school together, and Lindsay now felt guilty about introducing a subject that could still upset her sister so much.

‘I’m sorry, love,’ one of her hands covered Judi’s. ‘I shouldn’t have probed.’

The hazel eyes were shadowed with memories. ‘It’s a relief to be able to talk about him, actually. Mother avoids the subject as if he never existed. And she keeps bringing up the fact that she doesn’t have any grandchildren yet.’

Lindsay’s mouth twisted wryly. ‘Then I must be a double disappointment to her.’

Judi smiled comfortingly. ‘I think we’re all a disappointment to her—even poor Mike gets nagged about how irresponsible he is, and he’s only eighteen!’

Lindsay shook her head. ‘I can’t understand why you continue to stay here. Mother certainly doesn’t appreciate you.’ Lindsay had taken the first opportunity she could to escape her mother’s oppressive attitude after their father died, having moved to London as soon as she had the job to do so.