A Christian Directory, Part 4: Christian Politics
TextEnemy IX. Too high expectations are great enemies to love. When men either look that saints on earth should be like saints in heaven, who have no infirmity; or look for greater parts of nature or art, ingenuity or excellency of speech, than is in other persons, or when selfishness and covetousness or pride doth make men look for great respect, and observance, and esteem, or gifts, or commodity from others; when sin and error raiseth these unreasonable expectations, and the imperfect graces of christians do not answer them, such persons think contemptibly of good men, and call them hypocrites, and as bad as others, because they are not such as they expected.
Enemy X. The placing of men's goodness in lesser matters in which it doth not consist, is also a common enemy of love. When a man is himself so carnal as not to know what spiritual excellency is, but prefers some common gifts before it, such a one can never be satisfied in the ordinary sort of upright men. Thus some make a great matter of compliment, and courtship, and handsome deportment, when some holy persons are so taken up with the great matters of God and their salvation, and so retired from the company of complimenters, that they have neither time, nor mind, nor skill, nor will for such impertinencies. Some place so much in some particular opinions, or ceremonies, or forms of church government and worship, that they can think well of no man that is against them; whereas good men on earth are so imperfect, that they are, and will be, of several opinions about such things; and so these persons oblige themselves by their own opinionativeness, to be always against one part of the sincerest servants of Christ. One man can think well of none that is not for his church party, or way of government and worship; and another can think well of none that is not for his way. One can think well of none that prayeth not by his book, and doth not turn, and bend, and look just in the same manner, garb, and posture with himself, and that useth not all the ceremonies which he affecteth; or at least, if his weakness make him guilty of any unhandsome tone or gesture, or of any incompt and unapt expressions, or needless repetitions, or unpleasing style (all which we wish that all good men were free from). Another can think well of no man, that is for pomp and force in church government, or for ceremonies, forms, and books in prayer, and for prescribed words in worshipping God. And thus placing religion where they should not, causeth too many to take up with a mistaken religion for themselves, and to dislike all that are not of their mind, and certainly destroyeth christian love in one part of christians towards the other.
Enemy XI. Pride also is a pestilent extinguisher of love. For a proud man is so much overwise in his own eyes, that he can without remorse stigmatize all that dissent from him with the names of ignorant or erroneous, schismatical, heretical, or what other name the humour or advantage of the times shall offer him: and he is so good in his own eyes, that he measureth men's goodness and godliness by their agreement with him, or compliance with his will. And he is so great in his own eyes, that he thinketh himself and his complices only fit to make laws for others, and to rule them in their opinions, and in the worship of God; and no man fit to say any thing publicly to God, but what he putteth into their mouths. He can think well of none that will not obey him: like the pope of Rome, that saith, No man on earth hath church communion with him that is not subject to him. A humble christian thinketh that himself and the gospel have great and unusual prosperity in the world, when they have but liberty; but proud men think that religion is ruinated, and they are persecuted, when they have not their will upon their brethren, and when their brethren will be but brethren, and deny them obedience. Subjects they can think well of and command, but brethren they cannot love nor tolerate.
Enemy XII. Lastly, The counterfeits of christian love deceive abundance, and keep them from that which is love indeed. They might be brought to it, if they had not thought that they had it already, when they have it not.
Tit. 5. The Counterfeits of Christian Love
Count. I. It is but counterfeit love to christians, when they are loved only for being of the common religion of the country, and the same that you say you are of yourselves: as one Mahometan loveth another.
Count. II. Or to love one only sect or party of christians, which you espouse as the only party or church; and not to love a christian as a christian, and so to love all true christians whom you can discern to be such.
Count. III. To love only those christians who are your kindred or relations, or those that have been some way benefactors to you.
Count. IV. To love christians only for their familiarity, or kind and loving conversation, and civil, obliging deportment among men.
Count. V. To love them only because they are learned, or have better wits or abilities of speech, in preaching, prayer, or conference than others.
Count. VI. To love them only upon the praise which common commendations may sometimes give them, and for being magnified by fame, and well spoken of by all men. Thus many wicked men do love the saints departed, when they hate those that are alive among them.
Count. VII. To love them only for being godly in themselves at a distance, so they will not trouble them with their godliness; while they love not those that reprove them, and would draw them to be as godly.
Count. VIII. To love them only for suffering with them in the same cause. Thus a profane person taken by the Turks may love his fellow-captives who refuse to renounce Christ. And thus a sufferer for an ill cause, or an erroneous sect, may love those that suffer with him above others.
Count. IX. To love them only for holding strict and right opinions, while they will not endure to live accordingly. Thus many love the light, that cannot bear the heat and motion; many love an orthodox person, of a sound judgment, that is against looseness and profaneness in his opinion, and do not like the folly of the licentious; who yet like licentious practice best.
Count. X. To love them for some parts of godliness only; while some other essential part will not be endured (of which before).
Count. XI. To love them in a kind fit only, as Saul with tears professed to do his son David; but to have no habitual, constant love.
Count. XII. Lastly, To love godly men a little, and the world and fleshly interest more; to love them only so as will cost them nothing; to wish them fed, but not to feed them; and to wish them clothed, but not to clothe them; and to wish them out of prison, but not to dare to visit them for fear of suffering themselves. He that hath this world's goods, and seeth his brother have need, and shutteth up the bowels of his compassion from him, how dwelleth the love of God in him? 1 John iii. 17. Surely if the love of his brother were in him, the love of God had been in him. But he hath no true love to his brother, that will only love him on terms that cost him little, and cannot give and suffer for his love. All these are deceiving counterfeits of love to the children of God.
Tit. 6. Cases and Directions for intimate, special Friends
Quest. I. Is it lawful to have an earnest desire to be loved by others? especially by some one person above all other?
Answ. There is a desire of others' love which is lawful, and there is a desire which is unlawful.
I. It is lawful, 1. When we desire it as it is their duty, which God himself obligeth them to perform, and so is part of their integrity, and is their own good, and pleaseth God. So parents must desire their children to love them, and one another, because it is their duty, and else they are unnatural and bad. And husband and wife may desire that each other discharge that duty of love which God requireth, and so may all others. 2. It is lawful also to desire for our own sakes to be loved by others; so be it it be, 1. With a calm and sober desire, which is not eager, peremptory, or importunate, nor overvalueth the love of man. 2. According to the proportion of our own worth; not desiring to be thought greater, wiser, or better than indeed we are, nor to be loved erroneously by an overvaluing love. 3. When we desire it for the benefits to which it tendeth, more than to be valued and loved for ourselves: as, 1. That we may receive that edification and good from a friend which love disposeth them to communicate. 2. That we may do that good to our friends, which love disposeth them to receive. 3. That we may honour and please God, who delighteth in the true love and concord of his children.
II. But the unlawful desire of others' love to us, is much more common, and is a sin of a deeper malignity than is commonly observed. This desire of love is sinful, when it is contrary to that before described; as, 1. When we desire it over-eagerly. 2. When we desire it selfishly and proudly, to be set up in the good opinion of others; and not to make a benefit of it to ourselves or them; but our own honour is more desired in it, than the honour of God. 3. When we desire to be thought greater, wiser, or better than we are, and to be loved with such an overvaluing love; and have no desire that the bounds of truth and usefulness should restrain and limit that love to us which we affect. 4. When it is an erroneous, fanciful, carnal, or lustful esteem of some one person, which maketh us desire his love more than others. As because he is higher, richer, fairer, &c.
This eager desire to be overloved by others, hath in it all these aggravations. 1. It is the very sin of pride, which God hath declared so great a detestation of. For pride is an overvaluing ourselves, for greatness, wisdom, or goodness, and a desire to be so overvalued of others. And he that would be overloved, would be overvalued.
2. It is self-idolizing: when we would be loved as better than we are, we rob God of that love which men should render to him, who can never be overloved, and we would fain seem a kind of petty deities to the world, and draw men's eyes and hearts unto ourselves. When we should be jealous of God's interest and honour, lest we or any creature should have his due, this proud disposition maketh people set up themselves in the estimation of others, and they scarce care how good or wise they are esteemed, nor how much they are lifted up in the hearts of others.
3. It is an injurious insnaring the minds of others, and tempting them to erroneous opinions of us, and affections to us; which will be their sin, and may bring them into many inconveniences. It is an ordinary thing to do greater hurt to a friend whom we value, by insnaring him in an inordinate love, than ever we did or can do to an enemy by hating him.
Quest. II. Is it lawful, meet, or desirable to entertain that extraordinary affection to any one, which is called special friendship; or to have an endeared, intimate friend, whom we love far above all others?
Answ. Intimate, special friendship is a thing that hath been so much pleaded for by all sorts of men, and so much of the felicity of man's life hath been placed in it, that it beseemeth not me to speak against it. But yet I think it meet to tell you with what cautions and limits it must be received, and how far it is good, and how far sinful (for there are perils here to be avoided, which neither Cicero, nor his Scipio and Lælius, were acquainted with).
I. 1. It is lawful to choose some one well qualified person, who is fittest for that use, and to make him the chief companion of our lives, our chiefest counsellor and comforter, and to confine our intimacy and converse to him in a special manner above all others. 2. And it is lawful to love him not only according to his personal worth, but according to his special suitableness to us, and to desire his felicity accordingly, and to exercise our love to him more frequently and sensibly (because of his nearness and presence) than towards some better men that are further off.
The reasons of such an intimate friendship are these: 1. No man is sufficient for himself, and therefore nature teacheth them to desire a helper. And there is so wonderful a diversity of temperaments and conditions, and so great a disparity and incongruity among good and wise men towards each other, that one that is more suitable and congruous to us than all the rest, may on that account be much preferred.
2. It is not many that can be so near us as to be ordinary helpers to us; and a wiser man at a distance, or out of reach, may be less useful to us, than one of inferior worth at hand.
3. The very exercise of friendly love and kindness to another is pleasant: and so it is to have one to whom we may confidently reveal our secrets, to bear part of our burden, and to confirm us in our right apprehensions, and to cure us of wrong ones.
4. And it is no small benefit of a present bosom friend, to be instead of all the world to us; that is, of common, unprofitable company: for man is a sociable creature, and abhorreth utter solitude. And among the common sort, we shall meet with so much evil, and so little that is truly wise or good, as will tempt a man to think that he is best when he is least conversant with mankind. But a selected friend is to us for usefulness instead of many, without these common encumbrances and snares.
5. And it is a great part of the commodity of a faithful friend, to be assisted in the true knowledge of ourselves: to have one that will watch over us, and faithfully tell us of the sin, and danger, and duty, which we cannot easily see without help, and which other men will not faithfully acquaint us with.
II. But yet it is rare to choose and use this friendship rightly; and there are many evils here to be carefully avoided. The instances shall be mentioned anon in the directions, and therefore now passed by.
Quest. III. Is it meet to have more such bosom friends than one?
Answ. 1. Usually one only is meetest: 1. Because love diffused is oft weak, and contracted is more strong. 2. Because secrets are seldom safe in the hands of many. 3. Because suitable persons are rare. 4. And though two or three may be suitable to you, yet perhaps they may be unsuitable among themselves. And the calamities of their own disparities will redound to you; and their fallings-out may turn to the bewraying of your secrets, or to some other greater wrong.
2. But yet sometimes two or three such friends may be better than one alone. 1. In case they be all near and of an approved suitableness and fidelity. 2. In case they be all suitable and endeared to one another. 3. If a man live per vices in several places, and his friends cannot remove with him, he may have one friend in one place, and another in another, and so many will be but as one that is constant. 4. And in case that many may add to our help, our counsel and comfort, more than to our danger, hurt, or trouble. In all these cases many are better than one.
Quest. IV. Is it fit for him to take another bosom friend who hath a pious wife? And is any other so fit to be a friend, as he and she that are as one flesh?
Answ. When a wife hath the understanding, and virtue, and fidelity fit for this sort of friendship, then no one else is so fit, because of nearness and united interests. The same I say of a husband to a wife. But because that it seldom falls out that there is such a fitness for this office, especially in the wife, in that case it is lawful and meet to choose a friend that is fit indeed, and to commit those secrets to him which we commit not to a wife: for secrets are not to be committed to the untrusty, nor wise counsel to be expected from the unwise, how near soever. And the great writers about this special friendship, do think that no woman is fit for it, but men only; but that conclusion is too injurious to that sex.
Quest. V. Is it agreeable to the nature of true friendship to love our friend not only for himself, but for our own commodity? And whether must he or I be the chief end of my love and friendship?
Answ. 1. Indeed in our love to God, he that is the object is also our chief and ultimate end, and we must love him more for himself than for ourselves. And yet here it is lawful subordinately to intend ourselves.
2. And our love to the commonwealth should be greater than our love to ourselves, and therefore we may not love it chiefly for ourselves.
3. And if our bosom friend be notoriously better than we are, and more serviceable to God and to the common good, we should love him also above ourselves, and therefore not chiefly for ourselves.
4. But in case of an equality of goodness and usefulness, we are not bound to love our most intimate friend more than ourselves; and therefore may at least equally love him for ourselves as for himself. And if we are really and notoriously better and more useful, we may love him chiefly for ourselves, and ourselves above him. But still we must love God and the public good, above both ourselves and him, and must love both ourselves and him in order to God, who is the beginning and end of all.
Quest. VI. Is it contrary to the nature of true friendship to keep any secret from such a bosom friend, or to retain any suspicion of him, or to suppose that he may possibly prove unfaithful to us and forsake us?
Answ. Cicero and the old doctors say of friendship, that all this is inconsistent with true friendship; and it is true that it is contrary to perfect friendship: but it is as true, that perfect friendship cannot be and must not be among imperfect men: and that the nature of mankind is so much depraved, that the best are unmeet for perfect friendship: and certainly few men, if any in the world, are fit for every secret of our hearts. Besides that we are so bad, that if all our secret thoughts were known to one another, it might do much to abate our friendship and love to each other. And it is certain that man is so corrupt a creature, and good men so imperfectly cured of their corruption, that there is selfishness, uncertainty, and mutability in the best. And therefore it is not a duty to judge falsely of men, but contrarily to judge of them as they are; and therefore to suppose that it is possible the closest friend may reveal our secrets, one time or other, and that the stedfastest friend may possibly become our enemy. To think that possible which is possible, (and more,) is injurious to none.
Quest. VII. Is it lawful to change a bosom friend, and to prefer a new one whom we perceive to be more worthy before an old one?
Answ. An old friend, cæteris paribus, is to be preferred before a new one, and is not to be cast off without desert and necessity. But for all that, 1. If an old friend prove false, or notably unfit, 2. Or if we meet with another that is far more able, fit, and worthy, no doubt but we may prefer the latter; and may value, love, and use men as they are for goodness, worth, and usefulness.
Quest. VIII. What love is due to a minister that hath been the means of our conversion? And can such a one be loved too much?
Answ. 1. There is a special love due to such a one, as the hand by which God did reach out to us his invaluable mercies; and ingratitude, and sectarian, proud contempt of such as have been our fathers in Christ, is no small sin.
2. But yet another that never did us good, who is much wiser, and better, and more serviceable to the church, must be better loved, than he by whom we were converted. Because we are to love men more for the sake of God and his image and service, than for ourselves.
3. And it is a very common thing, for passionate women and young people, when they are newly converted, to think that they can never too much value, and honour, and love those that converted them; and to think that all such love is holy and from God; whereas the same love may be of God as to the principle, motives, and ends, in the main, and yet may have great mixtures of passionate weakness, and sinful excess, which may tend to their great affliction in the end. Some that have been converted by the writings of a minister a hundred or a thousand miles off, must needs go see the author: some must needs remove from their lawful dwellings and callings, to live under the ministry of such a one; yea, if it may be, in the house with him: some have affections so violent, as proveth a torment to them when they cannot live with those whom they so affect: some by that affection are ready to follow those that they so value into any error. And all this is a sinful love by this mixture of passionate weakness, though pious in the main.
Quest. IX. Why should we restrain our love to a bosom friend (contrary to Cicero's doctrine)? And what sin or danger is in loving him too much?
Answ. All these following: 1. It is an error of judgment and of will, to suppose any one better than he is, (yea, perhaps than any creature on earth is,) and so to love him.
2. It is an irrational act, and therefore not fit for a rational creature, to love any one further than reason will allow us, and beyond the true causes of regular love.
3. It is usually a fruit of sinful selfishness: for this excess of love doth come from a selfish cause, either some strong conceit that the person greatly loveth us, or for some great kindness which he hath showed us, or for some need we have of him, and fitness appearing in him to be useful to us, &c. Otherwise it would be purely for amiable worth, and then it would be proportioned to the nature and measure of that worth.
4. It very often taketh up men's minds, so as to hinder their love to God, and their desires and delights in holy things: while Satan (perhaps upon religious pretences) turneth our affections too violently to some person, it diverteth them from higher and better things: for the weak mind of man can hardly think earnestly of one thing, without being alienated in his thoughts from others; nor can hardly love two things or persons fervently at once, that stand not in pure subordination one to the other: and we seldom love any fervently in a pure subordination to God; for then we should love God still more fervently.
5. It oft maketh men ill members of the church and commonwealth. For it contracteth that love to one overvalued person, which should be diffused abroad among many; and the common good, which should be loved above any single person, is by this means neglected (as God himself): which maketh wives, and children, and bosom friends become those gulfs that swallow up the estates of most rich men; so that they do little good with them to the public state, which should be preferred.
6. Over-much friendship engageth us in more duty than we are well able to perform, without neglecting our duty to God, the commonwealth, and our own souls. There is some special duty followeth all special acquaintance; but a bosom friend will expect a great deal. You must allow him much of your time in conference, upon all occasions; and he looketh that you should be many ways friendly and useful to him, as he is or would be to you. When, alas, frail man can do but little: our time is short; our strength is small; our estates and faculties are narrow and low. And that time which you must spend with your bosom friend; where friendship is not moderated and wisely managed, is perhaps taken from God and the public good, to which you first owed it. Especially if you are magistrates, ministers, physicians, schoolmasters, or such other as are of public usefulness. Indeed if you have a sober, prudent friend, that will look but for your vacant hours, and rather help you in your public service, you are happy in such a friend. But that is not the excess of love that I am reprehending.
7. This inordinate friendship prepareth for disappointments, yea, and for excess of sorrows. Usually experience will tell you that your best friends are but uncertain and imperfect men, and will not answer your expectation; and perhaps some of them may so grossly fail you, as to set light by you, and prove your adversaries. I have seen the bonds of extraordinary dearness many ways dissolved: one hath been overcome by the flesh, and turned drunkard and sensual, and so proved unfit for intimate friendship (who yet sometime seemed of extraordinary uprightness and zeal). Another hath taken up some singular conceits in religion, and joined to some sect where his bosom friend could not follow him. And so it hath seemed his duty to look with strangeness, contempt, or pity on his ancient friend, as one that is dark and low, if not supposed an adversary to the truth, because he espouseth not all his misconceits. Another is suddenly lifted up with some preferment, dignity, and success, and so is taken with higher things and higher converse, and thinks it is very fair, to give an embrace to his ancient friend, for what he once was to him, instead of continuing such endearedness. Another had changed his place and company, and so by degrees grown very indifferent to his ancient friend, when he is out of sight, and converse ceaseth. Another hath himself chosen his friend amiss, in his unexperienced youth, or in a penury of wise and good men, supposing him much better than he was; and afterwards hath had experience of many persons of far greater wisdom, piety, and fidelity, whom therefore reason commanded him to prefer. All these are ordinary dissolvers of these bonds of intimate and special friendship.
And if your love continue as hot as ever, its excess is like to be your excessive sorrow. For, 1. You will be the more grieved at every suffering of your friend, as sicknesses, losses, crosses, &c. whereof so many attend mankind, as is like to make your burden great. 2. Upon every removal, his absence will be the more troublesome to you. 3. All incongruities and fallings-out will be the more painful to you, especially his jealousies, discontents, and passions, which you cannot command. 4. His death, if he die before you, will be the more grievous, and your own the more unwelcome, because you must part with him. These and abundance of sore afflictions are the ordinary fruits of too strong affections; and it is no rare thing for the best of God's servants to profess, that their sufferings from their friends who have overloved them, have been ten times greater than from all the enemies that ever they had in the world.
And to those that are wavering about this case, Whether only a common friendship with all men according to their various worth, or a bosom intimacy with some one man, be more desirable? I shall premise a free confession of my own case, whatever censures for it I incur. When I was first awakened to the regard of things spiritual and eternal, I was exceedingly inclined to a vehement love to those that I thought the most serious saints, and especially to that intimacy with some one, which is called friendship; by which I found extraordinary benefit, and it became a special mercy to my soul. But it was by more than one or two of the aforementioned ways, that the strict bond of extraordinary friendship hath been relaxed, and my own excessive esteem of my most intimate friends confuted. And since then I have learned to love all men according to their real worth, and to let out my love more extensively and without respect of persons, acknowledging all that is good in all; but with a double love and honour to the excellently wise and good; and to value men more for their public usefulness, than for their private suitableness to me; and yet to value the ordinary converse of one or a few suitable friends, before a more public and tumultuary life, except when God is publicly worshipped, or when public service inviteth me to deny the quiet of a private life: and though I more difference between man and man than ever, I do it not upon so slight and insufficient grounds as in the time of my unexperienced credulity; nor do I expect to find any without the defects, and blots, and failings of infirm, imperfect, mutable man.
Quest. X. What qualifications should direct us in the choice of a special bosom friend?
Answ. 1. He must be one that is sincere and single-hearted, and not given to affectation, or any thing that is much forced in his deportment; plain, and open-hearted to you, and not addicted to a hiding, fraudulent, or reserved carriage.
2. He must be one that is of a suitable temper and disposition; I mean not guilty of all your own infirmities, but not guilty of a crossness or contrariety of disposition. As if one be in love with plainness of apparel, and frugality in diet and course of life, and the other be guilty of curiosity, and ostentation, and prodigality; if one be for few words, and the other for many; if one be for labour, and the other for idleness, and frequent interruptions; if one be for serving the humours of men, and the other for a contempt of human censure, in the way of certain duty; these disparities make them unfit for this sort of bosom friendship.
3. He must not be a slave to any vice; for that which maketh him false to God, and to betray his own soul, may make him false to man, and to betray his friend.
4. He must not be a selfish person; that is, corruptly and partially for himself, and for his own carnal ends and interest. For such a one hath no true love to others, but when you seem cross to his own interest, his pleasure, wealth, or honour he will forsake you; for so he doth by God himself.
5. He must be humble, and not notably proud. For pride will make him quarrelsome, disdainful, impatient, and quite unsuitable to a humble person.
6. He must be one that is thoroughly and resolvedly godly: for you will hardly well centre any where but in God; nor will he be useful to all the ends of friendship, if he be not one that loveth God, and holy things, and is of a pious conversation: nor can you expect that he that is false to God, and will sell his part in him for the pleasure or gain of sin, should long prove truly faithful unto you.