Buch lesen: «The bull and the butterfly»
Редактор Alla Krasnova
© Alla Krasnova, 2025
ISBN 978-5-0067-1392-5
Создано в интеллектуальной издательской системе Ridero
«Hermit, you’re going to your own place! Your path leads you beyond you and your seven devils.»
Friedrich Nietzsche» Thus spake Zarathustra.»
AFTER LOVE (part one)
1
Forty men, wearing eighty tarpaulin boots, walk in place. Eighty tarpaulin boots, with forty men sticking out of them, beat the heartbeat of her heart on stage. The heart that beatsся in the chest of a heavy and almost sloppily dressed woman sitting in the fifth row and snapping seeds. Her name is Eva and she is forty-five years old. She doesn’t look very well because she hasn’t slept and isn’t feeling well. Eva’s fingernails are marked with a black seed patch, and a black moustache appears on her upper lip under the tray, because Eva has something wrong with her male hormones. There are too many of them, probably because Eva has a masculine personality. But that doesn’t bother her, she’s more concerned with how the men on stage carry out the mission assigned to their feet and shoulders.
Eva has breast cancer, she found out about it quite recently. Eva herself is quite calmabout her illness. She doesn’t talk about it, making it nonexistent for those around her and partly for herself. It even seems to her that the realization of her own imminent end will benefit the art in which she is engaged, because she will put on a performance as if for the last time. Eva was out of work for a long time, so the energy of talent was translated into illness. And now art can’t cure her, but now she can give to art what she couldn’t give before.
«Think about it,» Eva says softly, «my dear men, stomp like real brutes. I want more passion, more energia! Bolshe sex, comrades, more sex! Why are you chewing snot like suckers? Be steady, comrades, don’t let us relax, «she says, not even looking at them and spitting out the husks of sunflower seeds on the newspaper from yesterday spread out on her lap. «Give me more fire, or there’ll only be smoke for now.» «Everyone says I have a man’s voice,» Eva says, launching into a very long argument that is very characteristic of her. «It’s beautiful,» she smiles. «I might even want you to haveeverything like a man.» For example, a member. But, apparently, I’ve only ever had a voice with the almighty, «she laughs hoarselyм смехом at her joke.
Everyone is already used to suchоjokes. Eva has a low, smoky voice, which is also called the voice from the bedroom. She sounds like that because раньше she used to smoke a lot. But now, due toher illness, she does not smoke, she has replaced smoking with clickingm seeds, the husk of which leaves everywhere. Eva quit smoking so that she could finish the show and see how the audience would take it. That’s why she wants to live longer. This is very important to her.She quit smoking not for the sake of her health, but for the sake of a theatrical production, which she must certainly complete and show to the audience.
Eva is the best theater director in the provincial city of K*, and she can do anything. You can click seeds in the theater and spit the husk on the newspaper. She can be littered and cursed anywhere and anytime, because she knows how to create. She knows how to create something enchanting and memorable on stage. Eva has the ability to create a theatrical performance that goes back to art. And this is very much liked by the management of the theater, which should show its performance in Moscow at the festival and thus provide itself with additional funding. This performance, which Eva creates, should become the hallmark of the city and pave the way for new funding and a higher status of their ordinary theater.
Eva hasn’t figured out what the show is going to be about yet, she’s still just thinking. And Eve thinks, snapping the seeds. She used to smoke godlessly and drink a lot, but when she was offered a job, she gave up both and switched to sunflower seeds. Ten years ago, Eva lived in St. Petersburg with her husband Igor, also a theater director, but something between them got upset, and Eva moved to the city of K*, where she was born. And my husband became a very famous theater director. No one knew why they’d split up after fifteen years of marriage, and Eve didn’t like to talkabout it. But she cherished the memory of him in her heart and communicated with him in her mind. Eva refused to cooperate with all the theaters, no matter how much she was offered. But when she was told that in Moscow she would compete as a director with her ex-husband, she agreed. Until then, Eva had eked out a miserable existence on the royalties of several films made about fifteen years ago, and she had had enough.
«Art begins with hate,» Eva says ironically to Pavel, who is sitting next to her, still cracking seeds. «It’s me, my soul, anticipating your question aboutwhy I’m swearing at the cast and why I’m sitting with a sour face,» she says to Pavel.
Eva prefers to be ironic in order to hide from the world, so as not to be invulnerableto those who want to touch her to the quick. Paul is an old friend of Eve’s, already fifty years old. He had once been in love with Eve, but that was a long time ago, before she was еще eighteen. He visits her periodically, because he still can’t forget her. But both he and she understand that nothing can happen between them.
«I didn’t ask anything,» Pavel replies, looking at the stage. – Have you already decided, what the show will be about?
«No,» Eve says, still cracking the seeds. – I haven’t figured it out yet.» – But I have already managed to wave the «intellectual phallus» in front of the noses of the theater management, so I can think as much as I want.
«You’re thinking sunflower seeds?» Pavel asks, smiling.
– Yes, it’s the only way to get away with spitting while looking at the stage.
– Why did you stop smoking and switch to sunflower seeds? Pavel asks.
– At my age, smoking is no longer appropriate, you need to smoke young people toshorten your life. And I feel like I don’t have much time left, «Eva laughs. «Yes,» she says in a more serious tone, «I’ve given up drinking and smoking, and mostly eating, but hopefully not for long. My body wasn’t made for art. The soul is made for art, but the body is not made. для искусства, а тело не создано, такая вот I take a cigarette from my silver cigarette case and light it, gasping for breath. Apparently, twenty years of continuous smoking had done the trick. I pour a glass of goodred wine and asIdrink it, I realize thatI’m going to have a fit soon. Belching or heartburn. Often they come to me together. Stomach and lungs deny me the right to enjoy the art of smoking and watch the smoke rings melt in the air. I can’t even get drunk with impunity anymore. So now all that’s left for me are seeds and emptiness. The healthy and the young will soon displace me from my director’s chair, from my miracleapartment, and from this vast planet. Okay, I wrappedit up, didn’t I? Eve smiles.
«Very life – affirming,» Pavel replies.
Hehates to listen to Eva’s self-deprecating ironyand look at her pitted face, because she was once a beauty and many people vied with her, including him. But Eva’s heart was beating exclusively for art, so sheеwent to St. Petersburg to «study as a director». And then she contacted her classmate, with whom they lived soul to soul for about fifteen years, they did not have children, because they had a passion for art. Ten years ago, Eva returned to her provincial town. She came back completely different, she was still good, but there was no fire in her eyes anymore. Eva began to drink a lot, and in ten years she went from a blooming woman to a в bloated woman who started the day with champagne and ended with red wine. Eve was getting drunk, and there was nothing she could do about it. She had gained more than twenty kilograms of extra weight, and her hair had turned gray and thinned, which was very noticeable. At first, she didn’t want to work for as long as she wasn’t offered. Pavel himself came to visit her, but she is no longer likethat – something broke in her, she was rapidly sinking, and she did not need to be rescued.
«I like it myself,» Eve smiles. – Talent, as they say, can not be drunk, although you can argue with this. Howare you doing, by the way?» Kak wife, lover? You’re sitting here in a gray suit, respectable as hell.» Especially it hits the eyes in our bedbug house. And I don’t likebeing slapped in the eyes.
Eva means this theater called «The Wind"by the bedbug. Before it was a hardware store, then it was converted into a cafe, and then just made a theater. But this does not prevent Eva from doing art, it amuses her.
«My wife is fine, and so are my children. Big ones already. And I’ve never had a mistress, you know.
– Comrades, more drive! If you walk like this, the audience may think that our «Vester» is blowing from the horse’s backside! Eva shouts at the male actors walking on stage-актерам. Eva doesn’t like to talk about families, about children, because she is already forty-five, and has no children. Previously, she believed that the director does not have the right to have children, so she did notlead them. «I wish I had a mistress,» Eve says, turning her head slightly toward Pavel. – It’s high time for you to put outthe hormone in the arms of fresh beautyok, otherwise it will soon be gone. Not a single one. And in my old age, there will be nothing to remember. Never mind, the wife will suffer, she is not the first, she is not the last. By the way, how do you like my stage-crunching days, bravo kicking in? she laughs a little artificially.
«What days?»
– Yes, these are days. These are the days in tarpaulin boots, and they are coming. I haven’t thought of anything else yet, but I will. And you look, look how they go! Soon your days will pass, and you will never have time to snatch at least some even the most stale seedy mistress from life.
Pavel looks at Eve, who is mercilessly snapping seeds, and he does not understand how she can mock his feelings so much. After all, he has loved her for more than two and a half decades.
«I think I’ll go,» Pavel says.
He knows that when he leaves, Eve won’t even give him a glance. And it’s true.
«I repeat once again,» Eva shouts to the receptionist who accidentally entered the hall, "I don’t need bow-legged individuals here, which you can’t tell from women from the far row without a detailed examination! Couldn’t there be forty normal men in the whole city with legs no smaller than forty-four? If not, then look for them at least all over the country! Where did you get these eggshakers for me? I needtheir footsteps to shake not their balls, but the entire Вvillage!
Eva stands up, forgetting to put the newspaper away fromher desk, and leaves a trail of sunflower husks behind her. But she doesn’t even pay attention toit. Because this is not a royal matter. Eva often uses this expression, occasionallyreplacing it наwith" none of your damn business.» Therefore, everything that is not her royal business turnsout to be a dog’s business. Eve prefers to clash polarities in everyone, because this creates a hurricane of contradictions in her, the energy of which she feeds. Eva is a person of passion, which left a deep mark on her appearance. Eva can’t live in peace. Calmness is torture for her.
«All boysare dismissed!» Eva says to the actors on stage. «The Lord is clearly overreacting byordering you menaround.
Eva isn’t in a good mood today, and she’s limping from sitting too long. Eva wants to smoke, but she can’t. When Eva is upset or in a bad mood, everyone is afraid of her. She doesn’t mince words. Eva does not like to be shy at all, because this prevents herfrom taking unnecessary people out of the theater and living the way she likes.
2
– And then there will be a fairy tale, new opportunities, a new life, a new theater and career, and you can play and play, until you are stupefied to play! ELona says, театрально falling dramatically on the pink-covered bed with her arm thrown over her head. «The main thing is to get out of here, to get out of here, where you and I have no future,» Ilona continues to say, smiling, her eyes fixed on the ceiling with a glint of steel. – Moscow, my dear Jean, Moscowwas created to make your dreams come true. Moscow is the place where all your dreams come true! Moscow is even better than paradise, because there is no sex in paradise. But in Moscow, everything is permeated with sex and a thirst for life, where everything is charged with electricity, a thirst for life and creativity.
Jean and ELona are lovers and the same age, who have already passed twenty-three springs. They’ve been living together for two years now. But they are not simple lovers, but those who want to legitimize their relationship inthe future. Jean is a professional engineer, and ELona is a professional actress. ELona really wants Jean to go to Moscow with her, so she wants to put him in the theater where she works. She thinks that they and the theater can go on tour together first, and then they can gain a foothold there, stay. She expects that he will be hired as an extra. Theonly thing that confuses Elona is that Jean is dark-skinned, and it seems to her that it is much more difficult to get a dark-skinned person into the theater. Because there is only one role for him-the role of Othello. Elona is a very beautiful blonde with very fair skin, she is haughty and proud, and Jean is dark and short. Together, they are a very interesting pair, like black and white, but it only looks beautiful on the outside, because inside this pair there is complete discord. They, as opposite sides of duality, want each other, but cannot be together.
– Yes, I’m tired of being a fairy tale to me, – недовольно says Jean, displeased.
Jean does not want to move anywhere and even more so becomes an actor, because everything suits him as it is. He is skeptical of ELona’s plans. What attracts him now is no longer the thought of Moscow or the theater, but its smooth, beautiful armpit, in which, as it seems to him, you can put a chicken.
«Just think, Jean, how many opportunities the capital can give us! In the capital, wehave completely different people, they are advanced. With your skin color, it will be very useful for us. Besides, the children we’ll have in about ten years ' time will probably be black, too, like you little negroesми. They’ll be much better off in Moscow than here in this shithole where everyone knows each other. At least in Moscow they won’t be called blackheads, they’ll be called afrosads, «Elona laughs. – Culture. Capital. Where Moscow is, there is culture and the capital. And I, a sinner, will stop playing all these moronic supporting roles and play something real, for which I am not ashamed.
In fact, Elona is not ashamed of anything, because she does not have this feeling. And the roles that she gets in the theater are not so insignificant as she says. And she plays much more than many actresses in this theater. But Elona likes to play nice. She will never say that she is doing well, because she will never give the world the honor of being nice to her. She will always accuse her life of inferiority, and see black even where it is not. It gives her an almost physical pleasure to speculate on how bad things are, adding to the imperfections of her fate and the world as a whole. In this way, it is as if she is trying to satisfy her need for aggression towards a world where, as it seems to her, she has been underestimated. Outwardly, it is cold and even reserved, but inside it is militant and aggressive.
Jean is so used to it that he doesn’t really react to Elona’s statements anymore. He wants to believe that she is not evil, but only pretends to be evil, because it makes it easier for him to exist.
«Why are you looking at melike that and not saying anything?» ELona asks, looking at Jean, who is sitting on a chair with his arm around the back of it. «Like I’m talking to walls.»
«What can I say?» «отвечает вопросом на вопрос Жан. – МI don’t think you’ve already decided everything for both of us.» You decided that we would live like idiots in Moscow, because if we don’t live in Moscow, then it’s better not to live at all.
«Whynot, like idiots? You’ll probably live there like an idiot, as a matter of fact, you’ll still live here. And I will live like a queen! Elona smiles. «It’s very good, Jean, it’s very good that you know who’s boss in the house,» Elona continues, a little haughtily, secretly enjoying her power over Jean. The gyration of the armpit tightens Jean. But Elona lowers the raised hand so that Jean, physically, becomes cramped and dark. – And you know how much you’ve put me through.» You’re different, «Elona says, referring to the color of Jean’s skin. – What was it worth just talking to your parents? So you owe me for moral damages.
Elona very often tells Jean how brave she is, that she is dating him, because he is «not like everyone else», because Jean is dark-skinned. Jean doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like her constantly pointing out to him that he’s special and that she’s «experienced a lot because of him.» Jean sometimes even forgets that he is «different» because everyone has long been used to his skin color, but with enviable regularity, Elona reminds him of this. Jean doesn’t know that Elona likes dating a black man, because it makes her «different from everyone else» in the eyes of manypeople «не такой, как всand makes her more visible, special, and stand out from everyone else.
Jean is sorry that Elona has lowered her hand, and that he can no longer contemplate her beautiful armpit, in which he would like to hide or bury his nose in it. This armpit reminds him of a cradle containing the wisdom of the mother’s womb. After Elona lowered her hand, Jean was forced to descend from heaven to the sinful earth. Previously, Jean refused to move to Moscow, because he could not leave his grandmother, who raised him. But recently, his grandmother died, so Jean no longer finds any significant arguments to answer Elona with a refusal. But Elona is going to Moscow through participation in the play that Eva puts on. Elona is sureнthat she will be seen in this performance and will definitely be noticed and invited somewhere. But this is not enough for Elona, she also wants Jean to be accepted into the crowd, because this will allow her not to spend money on his accommodation in Moscow when they go there with the performance.
«Okay, what should I do?» Jean mumbles to himself. – When are you auditioning for extras there? He asks wearily, not even looking at Elona.
Elona squeals with happiness andabruptly gets up from the bed, running to Jean to hug him. This outburst of emotion confuses Jean a little. Jeandoesn’t know where she’s real, but where she’s acting. Because if a few minutes ago she was arrogant and haughty, and now she behaves like a simple naughty girl. Jean doesn’t know, but whydoes he want to think that when she acts like a naughty girl, she is real, and everything else is just an image, a role that she skillfully plays.
«Well, you finally agreed! Elona says, putting happiness on her face. «You’ll see, this toad will take you,» Elona says quickly, referring to Eve. «I’ll ask for you, and she’ll take you on as an extra!» There are just such people as you are required. So quiet, «Elona kisses Jean on the head,» so nothing, «Elona kisses Jean on the neck,» and so that they can blend in with the crowd, «Elona kisses Jean sonorously on the ear, Jean frowns in displeasure. «Damn,» Elona suddenly seems to think, «if they don’t take you because of your skin color, I’ll smear you with my tonak or whitewash and chase you again.»
Jean winces, but not at the kiss on the ear, because it seems to him that she is serious about «chasing again».
3
Eve opens the first drawer of the dresser and looks at the contents of the drawer. It’s just a tradition for her to open the first drawer of her dresser and look through it before taking a shower. Eve opens this drawer like a morgue drawer to check if the dead that used to make her heart beat faster are still there. But it’s not just this drawer that Eve pulls open, it’s also the way she opens her soul to see if the memories that were part of her life so recently are still there. And they are always in place, because they are not replaced by new ones. Eva deliberately does not want to take new feelings from life, so as not to use them to expel the old ones. Usually Eva doesn’t take anything with her in the shower, no underwear, because all the underwear that is in this drawer is not enough for her. It is very expensive, and it is not enough for her. She hasn’t worn it in almost ten years, and it’s been in her dresser ever since she moved here from St. Petersburg.
After the first drawer, she opens the second drawer of the dresser and takes out some underwear without looking at it. This underwear is inexpensive, it is large in size, most often cotton. Eva doesn’t like the color whitebecause it makes her feel very dirty and old. Therefore, in the second drawer of the dresser lies underwear in various shades of pink and blue. She throws it on the bed to put on after the shower.
In the shower, Eva turnson the faucet, and cold water pours down on her body. Forty-five-year-old Eva shivers from the cold, but she endures without uttering a sound. Although if she started making sounds, no one would hear her anyway, because Eva lives alone. Eve realizes that she has to wake up. After cold water, it turns on hot water. Acontrast shower should help her get in shape and restore a little of her nervous system, which has long since fallen into disrepair due to Eve’s conflicted inner life.
Eva considers herself a director of the old Soviet school, so she understands that without discipline, nothing will happen at all. And Eva now needs this discipline, a daily routine and breaking bad habits to take a timeout before the inevitable end of her life. In the past, when she wasn’t working-a period that lasted foralmost ten years-she didn’t get up until the afternoon, but now she has to stick to the rules. She needs to get up at six in the morning so that she can go to the theater and be able to think about the production.
Eve switches the hot water to cold, which makes her feel good, and then cold water to hot water again. But it doesn’t make her feel good for long, because, when she’s warm, she starts thinking about what she looks like right now, at this point in time. And Eva doesn’t look so good. Or rather, it looks terrible. Eva is very glad that there are no zephyrs in her bathroom, because they would make her existence here unbearable. Eva looks down at her legs, realizing that her sagging breasts will allow her to see them in full. Eva’s legs are unremarkable, the same as almost any other age woman’s. The veins on them are a little swollen because the veins can’t handle her hot blood. But they don’t attract Eva’s attention; she often draws attention to her toenails. Evasmiles, because she rememberswhat she used to say when she was a child, that these are not just fingernails, but little windows that angels will always look out of. Eva always likedto invent something, and she still does. Eve looks at her fingernails, which belong to the toes of two of her feet, she looks at all ten nails, waiting for angels to look out of these nail windows. It’s strange, because прошit’s been more than forty years since they came up with this idea, and Eva is still waitingfor them… Because in spite of everything, Eva has not forgotten how to believe in a miracle. Eva has no right not to believe in a miracle, because she is a director, and not just any, but a theater director. Theater directors should definitely believe in a miracle, this is their professional skill. If she doesn’t believe in a miracle, it won’t happen. And on the stage, a miracle is a mandatory phenomenon, which cannot be dispensed with. Eva turns off the water, shakes himself off, almost like a dog after ado wdya, and the hands on which you can see the hair standing on end are covered with large goosebumps.
Eva doesn’t like to dry herself off with a towel after a shower, so she waits for the water torun off her самаbody and let it dry. Therefore, when she leaves the bathroom, she leaves wet footprints behind her. Feeling the water trickle down her back, Eve pours herself a cup of tea, which she prefers too strong and sugar-free. More often than not, Eva puts two teabags in her cup at once, but onlybecauseshe thinks that dying one teabag in a mug is somehow boringin general. Yewa presents himselfas a tea bag thatsimplyneeds to be immersed in a theatrical performance, because art requires sacrifice.
Sometimes, before she dries her hair and puts on her underwear, Eva wonders if someone is looking out the window at her. It wouldn’t have bothered her at all if they had. She would even be somewhat pleased to know that the torment of looking at her time-worn body wasn’t just for her. Eva had lived alone for so long that she had learned to entertain herself with interesting thoughts so as not to lose her mind. And one of the most interesting thoughts Eva considers thoughts about time, which performs thousands of actions on a person, as if putting experiments on him. Eve knows that time has two styles of human communication: in the first case, it repeatedly kicks in the ass treacherously, and in the second-politely or at least in a gentle mode.
Eva sits down on a chair to drink tea and looks down. She has gray hair everywhere, because time does not spare the bodyall the time. But Eva doesn’t want to accept beingstepped on her throat and other body parts since старостьYu’s old age, Eva still believes in a miracle. Therefore, she cannot, does not have theright not to believe in him, because in the next three and a half months she will have to create this miracle on the stage, or rather create all the conditions for it to happen, to happen. Eva takes a sip from her cup, and the black tea is renderedxia in her forty-five-year-old body. It is as if she sees this tea splashing brown water on her untreated жеstomach ulcer and mixing with gastric juice. She knows that her soul will not let her down and will give her everything she needs for creativity, but in the body she is not sure, but from the body she is waiting for a trick at any moment. But still, Eve hopes it doesn’t let her down. At least for the next three and a half months. What happens next doesn’t matter to Eve. She doesn’t make up her mind for so long. The main thing is to put on a performance, and then come what may.
