Buch lesen: «Touch Me»

1

FELICITY

I wasn't used to going to bars.

When I was in high school, I had gone from time to time with my friends, but I never had any fun and inevitably ended up being a wallflower. I had always considered myself an outsider, unable to interact easily, to enter into other people's conversations, to show up or to let myself go.

Going out in groups had always been difficult and painful, and after my sister Bethany graduated, I had closed myself off even more. I didn't have a choice because without my famous sister, prom queen and cheerleader captain, to open doors for me through her friends, I was back to being Miss Unknown in the Battalion, just like before. The girls I hung out with for three years were her friends, not mine, and I got confirmation of that after she graduated. None of them had asked for me or called to go out or study together.

I had been alone for a whole year, forgotten by everyone and determined to make myself invisible to anyone, rather than be ridiculed or humiliated for my bland and unattractive appearance, unlike my sisters Bethany and Ava.

Feeling accepted and appreciated was complicated when those who crossed my path and learned who my two older sisters, former prom queens, were could not help but compare me to them.

For years, I had endured and suffered from this difference. It had taken me a long time, but I had finally come to accept myself as I was, with my curly hair, my ordinary brown eyes, my sensitive skin, my acne scars, and my extra pounds.

The fact that I was able to look at myself in the mirror without turning my back was due to the two people I had met during my freshman year of college: Kira Yoshida and Alice Preston. The two most beautiful and amazing girls I've ever known and, crazy thing, my friends! My own, without the help of Bethany or Ava. They had welcomed me into their circle without knowing anything about me. They accepted me for who I was, and because of their friendship, I had the best school year of my life.

I had met Kira in sociology class. She sat next to me the first day and complimented me on my hair and my double bun, telling me that she loved it but could never get it right. That was enough to make me like her immediately. Then I missed a class and she immediately left me her notes. From that day on, we often went back to study together and I discovered that she was a true genius. I had met her roommate, Alice Preston, during one of those study afternoons.

Unlike Kira, who was always calm and gentle, Alice immediately struck me as a tornado that couldn't stop, even in the face of such great danger as Easton Carson, one of four boys in my high school who had ruled over all the students and teachers like despots, making life hell for anyone who dared to oppose them. Throughout my high school years, I had kept a low profile to avoid ending up in their cross-hairs, and thanks to my ability to make myself invisible to everyone, I had always succeeded.

I had discovered, however, that Kira was no slouch either. Underneath her pure and innocent exterior was a strength and determination that had won her the heart of the most reserved and surly boy in my psychology class, Lucas Scott.

I admired and envied my best friends because they were beautiful, courageous, fearless, able to fight against adversity and win over the most difficult boys to approach and tame.

They were undefeated, and now they both had wonderful boyfriends who adored them. If I thought about Easton and Lucas, I still wondered how Alice and Kira had won hearts as rebellious and dark as those two boys.

"Felicity, there you are! We're here!" called Kira, who was already waiting for me at a table in the bar.

Relieved that I hadn't arrived first, I ran over to her and noticed that Lucas was there too.

“ Hi, I greeted them.

- Okay, I'll go and leave you to it," sighed Lucas after a glance towards Kira. It was a special girls night, to celebrate my birthday.

- “Thank you my love. I'll call you when I get back to campus.

- Ok, he answered while looking around him with suspicion. The bar was full of boys and Kira's beauty did not go unnoticed. But if there's any problem...

- There won't be. Go there now and be quiet, tried to reassure him Kira who still had difficulty to control the jealousy of Lucas.

- I don't like this place," he hissed as he noticed a few young people attracted to Kira. Those guys over there are just waiting for me to leave so they can jump on you."

To jump on you?

I almost burst out laughing.

I certainly wasn't the one in danger, but my good friend.

I looked at Lucas. He was always so caring and attached to Kira. She had told me about her boyfriend's difficult past, about her abusive father, with no one to give her any love. I felt tenderness and sadness for him, and I could understand his anguish of losing Kira. She was his world, his only source of happiness, but his past always made him see the negative side of people and so he tended to be constantly suspicious, afraid that someone might hurt his girlfriend.

"I promise I'll protect her for you," I said, addressing him.

Lucas gave me one of his rare smiles and I felt my heart skip a beat.

Yes, I was in love with him, but I would never have dared to go near him. Lucas belonged to Kira and I had no intention of destroying their beautiful relationship.

Lucas finally left, but I didn't even have time to sit down when I saw Alice coming, accompanied by Easton.

“ Easton, go away, she ordered, sternly.

- I'm going, but if you mess with the other boys, I'll tear you to pieces, he threatened with a fake smile.

- That goes for you too. Try to deceive me while you have fun with your friends and I put a tarantula in your underpants she replied not intimidated.

Can these two talk to each other without threatening each other? Kira asked me in a low voice.

- I don't think so,” I replied, chuckling. Only Alice could stand up to a nut like Easton, and he seemed to be the only one who could date her without being overwhelmed by his girlfriend's volcanic nature.

They greeted us as we came to the table.

“ Hi.

- Are you leaving now? It's a ladies' night out for us, Alice chased him away.

- Okay, I'm going. I'll see you later, Easton capitulated, but not before I take out the hairpin that was holding Alice's bun.

- You bastard! It took me an hour to make this bun! Alice growled, furious at this umpteenth teasing.

- That's for ditching me tonight instead of coming to the movies with me,” he replied contentedly before walking away.

I watched Easton walk away and waved back.

I still couldn't believe that I had just greeted the famous and terrible Easton Carson.

All through high school, I'd shuddered every time he walked into class, prayed I'd never end up in his cross-hairs or a victim of a bet...

I had done everything to avoid him and had always been perfectly successful, but now... Easton had just greeted me!

His icy eyes were still popping up in my nightmares, but in the last few months I'd gotten to know him and found out he wasn't as bad as I'd always thought.

He was a boy who hid his fragility under a thick layer of arrogance, but Alice had managed to master him and make him grow.

Unfortunately, the same could not be said of his friends, whom I never saw, luckily.

The last time I had been with them was in a jewelry store, while Easton was picking out a ring for Alice.

Months had passed since that day, and Alice, knowing how uncomfortable they made me, had always avoided me being around them.

"You look beautiful, Felicity, Kira said, catching my attention, her eyes on my dress and hair.

-You shouldn't have gone to so much trouble," I murmured, blushing suddenly, as I looked down. Feeling watched always bothered me deeply. I had spent so many years making myself invisible that I felt nothing but shame and embarrassment when someone stared at me.

I dried my sweaty palms on the sumptuous dress Kira had given me the day before, for my birthday. Wearing it had been an incredible effort because, as wonderful and beautiful as it was, it left too much skin uncovered and made me feel exposed to the judgment of others.

I caressed the black silk of the V-neckline and short sleeves, then moved down to the flared, floral skirt that reached my knees. It was a wonderful feeling that made me feel free and relaxed, but every time I felt a bulge under the fabric, I wanted to run away and put on one of my beloved over sized sweatshirts.

"It was our pleasure," Alice tried to calm me down with a big smile as she played with one of my curls fresh from the hairdresser's, where my friend had taken me that morning.

I had felt reborn when I had accepted this transformation, abandoning my pink and fuchsia locks for good, and going back to my natural chestnut brown shaded with blond to the tips.

For the occasion, I had even put in my contact lenses and made myself up in warm tones, to highlight my brown eyes and my dark skin.

"This look really suits you. You should always dress like that. You look great," exclaimed Kira who always had a kind word for everyone. Not feeling like you belonged was impossible with her. She had the right word at the right time in all circumstances.

“ But the presents aren't over yet! exclaimed Alice as Kira drew the waiter's attention to order a drink and a slice of the red fruit cheesecake, we had chosen together two days earlier when we had decided to celebrate my birthday that Saturday afternoon.

- God, girls, please... I feel guilty... I didn't do any of this for your birthday, I stammered, uncomfortable.

- In fact, what we're about to tell you isn't really a gift, but rather a proposal.

- A proposal of what? I asked, curious.

- Our second year of college starts in a few days, and I wanted to ask you if you'd like to share a room with me, Alice begged me, her eyes shining with emotion.

-And Kira? I asked confused. Alice and Kira had shared room 7A in the Sherman dormitory throughout freshman year, while I was in the Maxwell dormitory, five blocks away. There I shared a room with Lea, an older girl with whom I had barely exchanged two words all school year.

- I'm leaving the dorm, Kira informed me. Last year, I was always at Lucas' house, and this year we convinced our parents to rent a small studio nearby. Lucas is already looking for a job to support us and put as little strain as possible on my family.

- So, I'm left alone, and I'd love to have you as my new roommate,” Alice added.

- And Easton?

- He tried to lobby the president, since he's his uncle, but he couldn't convince him to let us share a room. He says he can't afford to set a precedent and take the risk that other students will do the same afterwards and end up causing a scandal or other problems.

- So you thought of me.

- Of course, I did. You and Kira are my best friends!

- In that case, I accept,” I whispered, moved. She didn't know it but hearing her say I was her best friend was the greatest gift I could receive.

Alice screamed with joy and came to hug me tightly.

I had to resist not pulling away.

Being touched always bothered me, but I knew Alice loved me and accepted me as I was.

Kira hugged me affectionately as well.

I returned their embrace, hugging these small, thin girls that I could finally refer to as my friends.

As we sat back down at the table, the waiter brought us the cake with a candle in the middle.

“ Make a wish and blow out the candle,” Kira and Alice invited me.

I looked at them for a long time. They were both beautiful.

With her red hair and as blazing as her character but with a heart of gold, Alice was incredible.

Kira, with her oriental look and disarming sweetness, was simply special.

I wanted to be like them too. Beautiful and unique.

I felt a desire to change and this new look was the proof.

In time, I hoped that this evolution would lead me to accept and perhaps appreciate myself as I was.

“ So, what do you want? urged Alice, impatient.

- I want our friendship to last forever, I said.

-You must want something you don't have. Not something you already have, dummy, laughs Kira.

- Kira is right. Think of something else. I don't know... A boyfriend? tried Alice.

- I'm not pretty enough to attract the attention of boys. I'm not like you.

- Then why are the guys sitting at the table in the back staring at you? said Alice, who couldn't stand the idea that I didn't feel as beautiful as her.

- They're staring at you, not me.

- Nonsense!

- Felicity, Kira sighed sadly. She suffered from my insecurity too.

- You, you like me, but let us be serious: I am not as beautiful as you! I said nervously.

- I never thought I was beautiful. Lucas tells me so, but he loves me, so it doesn't matter.

- Then why is he jealous and goes crazy if someone comes near you?

- Because he's stupid, Kira replied with a shrug. If I had your chest, I would understand, but I'm a surfboard. So, there is very little reason to be jealous.

- You're thin, I defend.

- I am flat and shapeless. Sometimes I envy you and I don't know what I'd give to have a bit of your hips and boobs.

-And I'm short and I have short legs, Alice added. I would like to have your size and your legs.

- I have big thighs and a big ass.

- The erotic dream of many men, giggled Alice, making me blush like a tomato.

- Felicity, as you can see, you're not the only one who doesn't feel flawless or perfect. We have our doubts too, but we've decided to accept ourselves as we are, Kira whispered, placing a hand on my arm.

- I'm sure Easton and Lucas don't think like you.

- One day you too will find someone who will see you for what you are and think you're beautiful.

- Okay. I gathered my courage and approached the burning candle. So, I want a boy like Easton and Lucas, one who loves me for who I am. I wish for a love story with a capital L.

I blew out the candle, looked up and found myself facing two pairs of worried eyes staring back at me.

I was alarmed. "What's wrong with you?

- A boy like Easton and Lucas ?! Are you crazy? exploded Alice.

Would you really want a shady, hard-to-manage guy like my Lucas? I was thinking of someone more level-headed and kinder.

- The opposite of that creep Easton! interjected Alice. I hope your wish doesn't come true or you'll be in serious trouble.

- You're scaring me... This birthday looks like the prologue to a horror movie, I fidgeted.

- No, excuse us. It's just that you surprised us a bit, because Alice and I have a complicated relationship with our boyfriend, and neither of us ever thought that someone could wish for a relationship like ours,” Kira explained to me softly, while Alice nodded with conviction at every word our friend said.

I never imagined how hard it could be to be with Lucas or Easton, but I preferred not to ask questions and diverted attention to the cake.

I cut three equal pieces and together we surrendered to this nirvana for our taste buds.

“ - This cake is divine, but I'm sure you can do better,” Alice whispered as she savored the dessert.

I smiled, embarrassed, because I was not yet used to sharing my love for cooking with anyone. But when Alice found out I was in the college cooking class, I started using my friends as guinea pigs for my culinary experiments, which both girls always defined as a drug. It was an honor to have someone eat what I cooked, and lately it had pushed me to improve more and try new flavors.

“ Felicity!” That unexpected voice and stern tone had the ability to paralyze me and make me not want to eat. I turned around with a feeling of being on the verge of an abyss.

When my eyes fell on the slim, perfect figure of my sister Ava, I felt myself dying.

I wanted to get up and push her out of the building before she could open her mouth, but I was glued to the chair and felt my throat catch fire from the anger triggered by what would surely happen soon.

“ Aren't you going to introduce me to your friends? she became impatient with my silence.

- Ava, my sister. This is Kira and Alice. They go to college with me and…

- You are friends?” surprised Ava, giving me the first blow. For her, it was inconceivable that a pretty girl would hang out with an ugly one. And if she did, it was only to show off, to be highlighted by a less attractive friend. I noticed the look in her eyes and read her accusation: “They're just using you.”

Ava wasn't mean, but she had her own mentality and firmly believed that the world was divided into beautiful and ugly. Two absolutely distinct categories.

“ - Yes,” I tried to answer, but the words came out with difficulty and my cheeks grew hot with embarrassment.

“ - So, why didn't you invite them to the birthday party tonight? Mom and Dad wouldn't mind, you know? They'd be happy to have a few extra guests.”

I turned quickly to Kira and Alice. The disappointment in their eyes made me blush with embarrassment, because I had told them that there would be no party with my family.

The truth was that these two girls were my friends. And they had to stay that way, instead of ending up trapped by my mother's charm, Ava and Bethany.

I didn't want to share them with anyone, and most of all, I didn't want them to be able to see that side of me that was just a big black hole, a nobody who didn't even deserve the attentions of her own parents.

“ I thought Mom only wanted to invite Sandy's friends. I tried to talk myself out of it.

- The party for Sandy was over two hours ago. You made the cake. Don't you remember?

- I forgot, I lied.

- Maybe if you ate less junk food, you wouldn't have these memory lapses! Put the fork down or you'll gain weight again. And you really don't need it,” she reproached me with the same stern tone as my mother. In the past, I had tried to stop them from making such remarks to me, especially in front of other people, but I had realized over time that I couldn't do it because keeping me from gaining more weight was a source of pride for them. It was better to be humiliated than to suffer the guilt of watching me stuff myself without saying a word.

I thought differently, but that was my problem.

“ - It's only a piece of cake, not a lump of butter! Alice interjected, leaving me speechless. No one ever dared contradict my sister or mother when it came to calories or body mass index.

- There will be cake again tonight... That's why I was saying it, Ava stammered, struggling with Alice's murderous stare, before taking her leave and running off.

- Why didn't you tell us it's your birthday party tonight? asked Kira cautiously, even though I knew she was hurt.

- It's just nonsense with my family. We celebrate both my birthday and Sandy's, who turns five tomorrow. Today afternoon, my mom threw a mega party for her, with all her kindergarten friends and girlfriends. But tonight, there will be a cocktail party just for close friends.

- Do you have any other friends?

- Not mine. My family's.

- What about your birthday party?

- In theory, it's tonight, but I already know that the star is still Sandy. The real party is this one. With you.

- We would have planned something even bigger, if only you'd let us.

- No, please. I hate parties and I hate being the center of attention! I was immediately frightened.

- Why didn't you invite us tonight? suddenly asked Alice who had been silent.

- I... I... I don't want to lose you.”

I couldn't finish my sentence and before I could stop myself, I found myself hiding my face in my hands.

“ - What's wrong? asked Kira worriedly, rushing to take me in her thin arms, which would drive my parents crazy.

- I don't want to lose your friendship, I managed to say between sobs.

- Why are you afraid of that happening?

- Because I know my family and I know how good they are at making people wonder at drawing them into their glittering world, to which I have no access.

- But what are you talking about?

- Come to my parents' house tonight and you'll understand.” I capitulated, wondering if it wasn't better to find out right away how strong our friendship was.