Modern Conveniences
A Tommy plugging it along the Arras-Doullens road in the pouring rain. "Ole Bill," the omnibus, laden with Cockneys going towards the line, overtakes him.
Tommy: "Sitting room inside, mate?"
Cockney on Bus: "No, but there's a barf-room upstairs!" —George T. Coles (ex-Lieut., R.A.F.), 17 Glebe Crescent, Hendon, N.W.4.
The Trench Fleet
A certain section of the line, just in front of Levantie, being a comparatively peaceful and quiet spot, was held by a series of posts at intervals of anything up to three hundred yards, which made the task of bringing up rations an unhappy one, especially as the trenches in this sector always contained about four feet of water.
One November night a miserable ration party was wading through the thin slimy mud. The sentry at the top of the communication trench, hearing the grousing, splashing, and clanking of tins, and knowing full well who was approaching, issued the usual challenge, as per Army Orders: "'Alt! 'Oo goes there?"
Out of the darkness came the reply, in a weary voice: "Admiral Jellicoe an' 'is blinkin' fleet." —W. L. de Groot (late Lieut., 5th West Yorks Regt.), 17 Wentworth Road, Golders Green, N.W.11.
The Necessary Stimulant
On the St. Quentin front in 1917 we were relieved by the French Artillery. We watched with rather critical eyes their guns going in, and, best of all, their observation balloon going up.
The ascent of this balloon was, to say the least, spasmodic. First it went up about a hundred feet, then came down, then a little higher and down again.
This was repeated several times, until at last the car was brought to the ground and the observer got out. He was handed a packet, then hastily returned, and up the balloon went for good. Then I heard a Cockney voice beside me in explanatory tones: "There! I noo wot it was all the time. 'E'd forgotten his vin blong!" —Ernest E. Homewood (late 1st London Heavy Battery), 13 Park Avenue, Willesden Green, N.W.2.
A Traffic Problem
A dark cloudy night in front of Lens, two patrols of the 19th London Regt., one led by Lieut. R – , the other by Corporal B – , were crawling along the barbed wire entanglements in No Man's Land, towards each other.
Two tin hats met with a clang, which at once drew the attention of Fritz.
Lieut. R – sat back in the mud, while snipers' and machine-gun bullets whistled past, and in a cool voice said, "Why don't you ring your perishing bell?" —L. C. Pryke (late 19th London Regt.), "Broughdale," Rochford Avenue, Rochford, Essex.
Scots, Read This!
On the afternoon of Christmas Day, 1915, three pipers, of whom I was one, went into the trenches at Loos, and after playing at our Battalion H.Q., proceeded to the front line, where we played some selections for the benefit of the Germans, whose trenches were very close at this point. Probably thinking that an attack was imminent, they sent up innumerable Verey lights, but, deciding later that we had no such intention, they responded by singing and playing on mouth-organs.
Having finished our performance, my friends and I proceeded on our way back, and presently, passing some men of another regiment, were asked by one of them: "Was that you playin' them bloomin' toobs?" We admitted it.
"'Ear that, Joe?" he remarked to his pal. "These blokes 'ave bin givin' the 'Uns a toon."
"Serve 'em right," said Joe, "they started the blinkin' war." —Robert Donald Marshall (late Piper, 1st Bn. London Scottish), 83 Cranley Drive, Ilford.
Met His Match
A London Tommy was standing near the leave boat at Calais, which had just brought him back to France on his way to the firing line. It was raining, and he was trying to get a damp cigarette to draw.
Just then a French soldier approached him with an unlighted cigarette in his hand, and, pointing to Tommy's cigarette, held out his hand and exclaimed "Allumette?"
The Tommy sadly shook hands and replied "Allo, Mate." —A. J. Fairer, Mirigama, Red Down Road, Coulsdon, Surrey.
Why Jerry was "Clinked"
On August 8, 1918, as our battery began the long trail which landed us in Cologne before Christmas we met a military policeman who had in his charge three very dejected-looking German prisoners. "Brummy," our battery humorist, shouted to the red-cap: "'Ullo, Bobby, what are yer clinkin' those poor old blokes for?"
"Creatin' a disturbance on the Western Front," replied the red-cap. —Wm. G. Sheppard (late Sergeant, 24th Siege Bty., R.A.), 50 Benares Road, Plumstead, S.E.18.
Stick-in-the-Mud
We were in reserve at Roclincourt in February 1917, and about twenty men were detailed to carry rations to the front line. The trenches were knee-deep in mud.
After traversing about two hundred yards of communication trench we struck a particularly thick, clayey patch, and every few yards the order "Halt in front!" was passed from the rear.
The corporal leading the men got very annoyed at the all-too-frequent halts. He passed the word back, "What's the matter?" The reply was, "Shorty's in the mud, and we can't get 'im out."
Waiting a few minutes, the corporal again passed a message back: "Haven't you got him out yet? How long are you going to be?" Reply came from the rear in a Cockney voice: "'Eaven knows! There's only 'is ears showin'." —G. Kay, 162 Devonshire Avenue, Southsea, Hants.
"If That can stick it, I can!"
Owing to the forced marching during the retreat from Mons, men would fall out by the roadside and, after a rest, carry on again.
One old soldier, "Buster" Smith, was lying down puffing and gasping when up rode an officer mounted upon an old horse that he had found straying.
Going up to "Buster" the officer asked him if he thought he could "stick it."
"Buster" looked up at the officer and then, eyeing the horse, said: "If that can stick it, I can," and, getting up, he resumed marching. —E. Barwick, 19 St. Peter's Street, Hackney Road, E.2.
Wheeling a Mule
In November '15 we were relieved in the early hours of the morning.
It had been raining, raining most of the time we were in the trenches, and so we were more or less wet through and covered in mud when we came out for a few days' rest.
About two or three kilometres from Béthune we were all weary and fed-up with marching. Scarcely a word was spoken until we came across an Engineer leading a mule with a roll of telephone wire coiled round a wheel on its back. The mule looked as fed-up as we were, and a Cockney in our platoon shouted out, "Blimey, mate, if you're goin' much furver wiv the old 'oss yer'll 'ave to turn it on its back and wheel it." —W. S. (late Coldstream Guards), Chelsea, S.W.3.
Three Brace of Braces
While I was serving with the 58th Siege Battery at Carnoy, on the Somme, in 1916, a young Cockney of the 29th Division was discovered walking in front of three German prisoners. Over his shoulders he had three pairs of braces.
A wag asked him if he wanted to sell them, and his reply was: "No, these Fritzies gets 'em back when they gets to the cage. But while I got their 'harness' they can't get up to any mischief." —E. Brinkman, 16 Hornsey Street, Holloway Road, N.7.
"Bow Bells" Warning
At the beginning of March 1918, near Flesquières, we captured a number of prisoners, some of whom were put in the charge of "Nipper," a native of Limehouse.
I heard him address them as follows: "Nah, then, if yer wants a fag yer can have one, but, blimey, if yer starts any capers, I'll knock 'Bow Bells' aht of yer Stepney Church." —J. Barlow (20th London Regt.), 18 Roding Lane, Buckhurst Hill, Essex.
"'Ave a Sniff"
My father tells of a raw individual from London Town who had aroused great wrath by having within a space of an hour given two false alarms for gas. After the second error everyone was just drowsing off again when a figure cautiously put his head inside the dug-out, and hoarsely said: "'Ere, sergeant, yer might come and 'ave a sniff." —R. Purser, St. Oama, Vista Road, Wickford, Essex.
The Dirt Track
While my regiment was in support at Ecurie, near Arras, I was detailed to take an urgent message to B.H.Q.
I mounted a motor-cycle and started on my way, but I hadn't gone far when a shell burst right in my path and made a huge crater, into which I slipped. After going round the inside rim twice at about twenty-five miles an hour, I landed in the mud at the bottom. Pulling myself clear of the cycle, I saw two fellows looking down and laughing at me.
"Funny, isn't it?" I said.
"Yus, matey, thought it was Sanger's Circus. Where's the girl in the tights wot rides the 'orses?"
Words failed me. —London Yeomanry, Brixton, S.W.
Babylon and Bully
After a dismal trek across the mud of Mespot, my batman and I arrived at the ruins of Babylon. As I sat by the river under the trees, and gazed upon the stupendous ruins of the one-time mightiest city in the world, I thought of the words of the old Psalm – "By the waters of Babylon we sat down and wept – "
And this was the actual spot!
Moved by my thoughts, I turned to my batman and said, "By Jove, just think. This is really Babylon!"
"Yes, sir," he replied, "but I'm a-wonderin' 'ow I'm goin' to do your bully beef up to-night to make a change like." —W. L. Lamb (late R.E., M.E.F.), "Sunnings," Sidley, Bexhill-on-Sea.
Twice Nightly
An attack was expected, and some men were kept in reserve in an underground excavation more closely resembling a tunnel than a trench.
After about twenty hours' waiting in knee-deep mud and freezing cold, they were relieved by another group.
As they were filing out one of the relief party said to one of those coming out, "Who are you?"
"'Oo are we?" came the reply. "Cahn't yer see we're the fust 'ouse comin' aht o' the pit?" —K. Haddon, 379 Rotherhithe New Road, North Camberwell, S.E.16.
In Shining Armour
A horrible wet night on the Locre-Dranoutre Road in 1914. A narrow strip of pavé road and, on either side, mud of a real Flanders consistency.
I was on my lawful occasions in a car, which was following a long supply column of five-ton lorries.
I need scarcely say that the car did not try to forsake the comparative security of the pavé, but when a check of about a quarter of an hour occurred, I got down from the car and stumbled through the pouring rain, well above the boot-tops in mud, to the head of the column.
Impasse barely describes the condition of things, for immediately facing the leading lorry was a squadron of French Cuirassiers, complete with "tin bellies" and helmets with horse-hair trimmings.
This squadron was in command of a very haughty French captain, who seemed, in the light of the lorry's head-lamps, to have a bigger cuirass and helmet than his men.
He was faced by a diminutive sergeant of the A.S.C., wet through, fed up, but complete with cigarette.
Neither understood the other's language, but it was quite obvious that neither would leave the pavé for the mud. Did the sergeant wring his hands or say to the officer, "Mon Capitaine, je vous en prie, etc."? He did not. He merely stood there, and, removing his cigarette from his mouth, uttered these immortal words:
"'Ere, ally off the perishing pavé, you son of a knight in shinin' armour!"
And, believe me or believe me not, that is what the haughty one and his men did. —"The Ancient Mariner," Sutton, Surrey.
"A Blinkin' Paper-Chase?"
One pitch black rainy night I was bringing up the rear of a party engaged in carrying up the line a number of trench mortar bombs known as "toffee-apples."
We had become badly tailed-off during our progress through a maze of communication trenches knee-deep in mud, and as I staggered at last into the support trench with my load I spied a solitary individual standing on the fire-step gazing over the parapet.
"Seen any Queen's pass this way?" I inquired.
"Blimey," he replied, apparently fed-up with the constant repetition of the same question, "wot 'ave you blokes got on to-night – a blinkin' piper-chise?" —W. H. Blakeman (late Sergt., Queen's R.W.S. Regt.), 22 Shorts Road, Carshalton.
Biscuits – Another Point of View
In April 1915 my battalion was on the way up to take over a line of "grouse-butts" – there were no continuous trenches – in front of a pleasure resort by the name of Festubert.
Arrived at Gore, a couple of miles or so from the line, we ran into some transport that had got thoroughly tied up, and had a wait of about half-an-hour while the joy-riders sorted themselves out. It was pitch dark and raining hard, and the occasional spot of confetti that came over added very little to the general enjoyment.
As I moved up and down my platoon, the usual profane but humorous grousing was in full spate. At that time the ration arrangements were not so well organised as they afterwards became, and for some weeks the bulk of our banquets had consisted of bully and remarkably hard and unpalatable biscuits. The latter were a particularly sore point with the troops.
As I listened, one rifleman held forth on the subject. "No blinkin' bread for five blinkin' weeks," he wound up – "nothin' but blinkin' biscuits that taste like sawdust an' break every tooth in yer perishin' 'ed. 'Ow the 'ell do they expect yer to fight on stuff like that?" "Whatcher grousin' about?" drawled another weary voice. "Dawgs lives on biscuits, and they can fight like 'ell!" —S. B. Skevington (late Major, 1st London Irish Rifles), 10 Berkeley Street, W.1.
His Bird Bath
A battalion of the Royal Fusiliers (City of London Regiment) was in support, and a private was endeavouring to wash himself as thoroughly as possible with about a pint of water in a mess-tin.
A kindly disposed staff officer happened to come along, and seeing the man thus engaged, said, "Having a wash, my man?"
Back came the reply, "Yus, and I wish I was a blinkin' canary. Could have a bath then." —R. G. Scarborough, 89 Tennyson Avenue, New Maiden, Surrey.
Ducking 'em – then Nursing 'em
After the Cambrai affair of November 1917 our company came out of the line, but we had to salvage some very large and heavy shells.
We had been carrying the shells in our arms for about an hour when I heard a fed-up Cockney turn to the sergeant and say: "'Ere 'ave I been duckin' me nut for years from these blinkin' fings – blimey, and nah I'm nursin' 'em!" —Rfn. Elliott (late 17th K.R.R.C.), 9 Leghorn Road, Harlesden, N.W.
Salonika Rhapsody
Three of us were sitting by the support line on the Salonika front, conditions were fairly bad, rations were short and a mail was long overdue. We were fed-up. But the view across the Vardar Valley was some compensation.
The wadis and plains, studded with bright flowers, the glistening river and the sun just setting behind the distant ridges and tinting the low clouds, combined to make a perfect picture. One of my pals, with a poetic temperament, rhapsodised on the scene for several minutes, and then asked our other mate what he thought. "Sooner see the blinkin' Old Kent Road!" was the answer of the peace-time costermonger. —W. W. Wright, 24 Borthwick Road, E.15.
A Ticklin' Tiddler
In January 1915, near Richebourg, I was one of a ration-party being led back to the front line by a lance-corporal. The front line was a system of breast-works surrounded by old disused trenches filled with seven feet or so of icy-cold water.
It was a very dark moonless night, and near the line our leader called out to those in the breast-works to ask them where the bridge was. He was told to step off by the broken tree. He did so and slid into the murky depths – the wrong tree!
We got him out and he stood on dry (?) land, shining with moisture, full of strange oaths and vowing vengeance on the lad who had misdirected him.
At stand-down in the dawn (hours afterwards) he was sipping his tot of rum. He had had no chance of drying his clothes. I asked how he felt.
"Fresh as a pansy, mate," was his reply. "Won'erful 'ow a cold plunge bucks yer up! Blimey, I feel as if I could push a leave train from 'ere to the base. 'Ere, put yer 'and dahn my tunic and see if that's a tiddler ticklin' me back." —F. J. Reidy (late 1st K.R.R.s), 119 Mayfair Avenue, Ilford.
Biscuits and Geometry
During a spell near St. Quentin our company existed chiefly on biscuits – much to the annoyance of one of our officers, who said he detested dogs' food.
One evening he met the Cockney corporal who had just come up in charge of the ration party.
Officer: "Any change to-night, corporal?"
Corporal: "Yessir!"
Officer: "Good! What have we got?"
Corporal: "Rahnd 'uns instead of square 'uns, sir." —R. Pitt (late M.G.C.), 54 Holland Park Avenue, W.11.
All that was Wrong with the War
Taking up ammunition to the guns at Passchendaele Ridge, I met a few infantrymen carrying duckboards.
My mule was rather in the way and so one of the infantrymen, who belonged to a London regiment, gave him a push with his duckboard.
Naturally, the mule simply let out and kicked him into a shell-hole full of water.
We got the unlucky fellow out, and his first action was to shake his fist at the mule and say: "There's only one thing I don't like in this blinking war and that's those perishin' mules!" —H. E. Richards (R.F.A.), 67 Topsham Road, Upper Tooting, S.W.17.
Not a Single Cockney
In 1917, when we were acting as mobile artillery, we had halted by the roadside to water and feed our horses, and were just ready to move off when we were passed by a column of the Chinese Labour Corps, about 2,000 of them.
After they had all passed, a gunner from Clerkenwell said: "Would yer believe it? All that lot gorn by and I never reckernised a Townie!" —C. Davis (late Sergeant, R.A., 3rd Cavalry Division), 7 Yew Tree Villas, Welling, Kent.
Sanger's Circus on the Marne!
On the way from the Marne to the Aisne in September 1914 the 5th Cavalry Brigade passed a column of Algerian native troops, who had been drawn up in a field to allow us to continue along the nearby road.
The column had all the gaudy appearance of shop windows at Christmas. There were hooded vehicles with stars and crescents blazoned on them, drawn by bullocks, mules, and donkeys. The natives themselves were dressed, some in white robes and turbans, others in red "plus four" trousers and blue "Eton cut" jackets; and their red fezzes were adorned with stars and crescents. Altogether a picturesque sight, and one we did not expect to meet on the Western Front.
On coming into view of this column, one of our lead drivers (from Bow) of a four-horse team drawing a pontoon wagon turned round to his wheel driver, and, pointing to the column with his whip, shouted, "Alf! Sanger's Circus!" —H. W. Taylor (late R.E.), The Lodge, Radnor Works, Strawberry Vale, Twickenham.
"Contemptible" Stuff
When the rumour reached us about a medal for the troops who went out at the beginning, a few of us were sitting in a dug-out outside Ypres discussing the news.
"Mac" said: "I wonder if they'll give us anything else beside the medal?"
Our Cockney, Alf, remarked: "You got a lot to say about this 'ere bloomin' 'gong' (medal); anybody 'd fink you was goin' ter git one."
"I came out in September '14, any way," said Mac.
Alf (very indignant): "Blimey, 'ark at 'im! You don't 'arf expect somefink, you don't. Why, the blinkin' war was 'arf over by then." —J. F. Grey (late D.L.I, and R.A.O.C.), 247 Ducane Road, Shepherd's Bush, W.12.
A Cockney on Horseback – Just
We were going out to rest after about four months behind the guns at Ypres, and the drivers brought up spare horses for us to ride. One Cockney gunner was heard to say, "I can't ride; I've never rode an 'orse in me life." We helped him to get mounted, but we had not gone far when Jerry started sending 'em over. So we started trotting. To see our Cockney friend hanging on with his arms round the horse's neck was quite a treat!
However, we eventually got back to the horse lines where our hero, having fallen off, remarked: "Well, after that, I fink if ever I do get back to Blighty I'll always raise me 'at to an 'orse." —A. Lepley (late R.F.A.), 133 Blackwell Buildings, Whitechapel, E.1.
A Too Sociable Horse
We were asleep in our dug-out at Bray, on the Somme, in November 1915. The dug-out was cut in the bank of a field where our horse lines were.
One of the horses broke loose and, taking a fancy to our roof, which was made of brushwood and rushes, started eating it.
Suddenly the roof gave way and the horse fell through, narrowly missing myself and my pal, who was also a Cockney.
After we had got over the shock my pal said, "Well, if that ain't the blinkin' latest. These long-eared blighters ain't satisfied with us looking after them – they want to come to bed with us." —F. E. Snell (late 27th Brigade, R.F.A.), 22 Woodchester Street, Harrow Road, W.2.
General Salute!
While "resting" at Bully-Grenay in the winter of 1916 I witnessed the following incident:
Major-General – and his A.D.C. were walking through the village when an elderly Cockney member of a Labour battalion (a typical London navvy) stumbled out of an estaminet. He almost collided with the general.
Quickly pulling himself together and exclaiming "Blimey, the boss!" he gave a very non-military salute; but the general, tactfully ignoring his merry condition, had passed on.
In spite of his pal's attempts to restrain him, he overtook the general, shouting "I did serlute yer, didn't I, guv'nor?"
To which the general hastily replied: "Yes, yes, my man!"
"Well," said the Cockney, "here's anuvver!" —A. J. K. Davis (late 20th London Regt., att. 73rd M.G.C.), Minnis Croft, Reculver Avenue, Birchington.
Wipers-on-Sea
Scene, "Wipers"; Time, winter of 1917.
A very miserable-looking R.F.A. driver, wet to the skin, is riding a very weary mule through the rain.
Voice from passing infantryman, in the unmistakable accent of Bow Bells: "Where y' goin', mate? Pier an' back?" —A. Gelli (late H.A.C.), 27 Langdon Park Road, Highgate, N.6.
He Rescued His Shirt
During the latter stages of the war, with the enemy in full retreat, supply columns and stores were in most cases left far behind. Those in the advance columns, when marching through occupied villages, often "won" articles of underclothing to make up for deficiencies.
Camberwell Alf had a couple of striped "civvy" shirts, and had lent a less fortunate battery chum one of these on the understanding that it would be returned in due course. The same evening the battery was crossing a pontoon bridge when a mule became frightened at the oscillation of the wooden structure, reared wildly, and pitched its rider over the canvas screen into the river.
Camberwell Alf immediately plunged into the water and rescued his unfortunate chum after a great struggle.
Later the rescued one addressed his rescuer: "Thank yer, Alf, mate."
"Don't yer 'mate' me, yer blinkin' perisher!" Alf replied. "Wot the 'ell d'yer mean by muckin' abaht in the pahny (water) wiv my shirt on?" —J. H. Hartnoll (late 30th Div. Artillery), 1 Durning Road, Upper Norwood, S.E.19.
A Smile from the Prince
One morning towards the end of May 1915, just before the battle of Festubert, my pal Bill and I were returning from the village bakery on the Festubert road to our billets at Gorre with a loaf each, which we had just bought.
Turning the corner into the village we saw approaching us a company of the Grenadier Guards in battle order, with a slim young officer at the head carrying a stick almost as tall as himself. Directly behind the officer was a hefty Guardsman playing "Tipperary" on a concertina.
We saluted the officer, who, after spotting the loaves of bread under our arms, looked straight at us, gave us a knowing smile and acknowledged our salute. It was not till then that we recognised who the officer was. It was the Prince of Wales.
"Lumme!" said Bill. "There goes the Prince o' Wales hisself a-taking the guard to the Bank o' England!" —J. F. Davis, 29 Faunce Street, S.E.17.
"Just to Make Us Laugh"
We were one of those unlucky fatigue parties detailed to carry ammunition to the forward machine gun positions in the Ypres sector. We started off in the dusk and trudged up to the line. The transport dumped the "ammo" at a convenient spot and left us to it. Then it started raining.
The communication trenches were up to our boot tops in mud, so we left them and walked across the top. The ground was all chalky slime and we slipped and slid all over the place. Within a very short time we were wet through and, to make matters worse, we occasionally slipped into shell-holes half full of water (just to relieve the monotony!).
We kept this up all night until the "ammo" had all been delivered; then the order came to march back to billets at Dranoutre. It was still pouring with rain, and when we came to Shrapnel Corner we saw the famous notice board: "Avoid raising Dust Clouds as it draws Enemy's Shell Fire."
We were new to this part of the line and, just then, the idea of raising dust clouds was extremely ludicrous.
I asked my pal Jarvis, who came from Greenwich, what he thought they put boards like that up for. His reply was typically Cockney: "I 'spect they did that just to make us laugh, as we cawnt go to the picshures." —Mack (late M.G.C.), Cathcart, The Heath, Dartford.
No Use Arguing with a Mule
Whilst "resting" after the Jerusalem battle, my battalion was detailed for road-making. Large stones were used for the foundation of the road and small and broken stones for the surface. Our job was to find the stones, assisted by mules.
A mule was new to Joe Smith – a great-hearted boy from Limehouse way – but he must have heard about them for he gingerly approached the one allotted to him, and as gingerly led him away into the hills.
Presently Joe was seen returning, but, to our amazement, he was struggling along with the loaded baskets slung across his own shoulders, and the mule was trailing behind. When I asked why he was carrying the load, he replied: "Well, I was loading 'im up wiv the stones, but he cut up rusty, so to save a lot of argument, I reckoned as 'ow I'd better carry the darned stones meself." —A. C. Wood, 56 Glasslyn Road, N.8.
Kissing Time
It was towards the end of '18, and we had got old Jerry well on the run. We had reached a village near Lille, which had been in German occupation, and the inhabitants were surging round us.
A corporal was having the time of his life, being kissed on both cheeks by the girls, but when it came to a bewhiskered French papa's turn the corporal hesitated. "Nah, then, corporal," shouted one of our boys, "be sporty! Take the rough with the smooth!" —G. H. Harris (late C.S.M., 8th London Regt.), 65 Nelson Road, South Chingford, E.4.
"Playin' Soldiers"
We were in the Cambrai Salient, in support in the old Hindenburg Line. Close to us was a road where there were a ration dump and every other sort of dump. Everybody in the sector went through us to get rations, ammunition, stores, etc.
There was just room in the trench for two men to pass. Snow had been on the ground for weeks, and the bottom of the trench was like glass. One night at stand-to the Drake Battalion crowded past us to get rations. On their return journey the leading man, with two sandbags of rations round his neck and a petrol can of water in each hand, fell over at every other step. Things were further complicated by a party of R.E.'s coming down the line with much barbed wire, in which this unfortunate "Drake" entangled himself.
As he picked himself up for the umpteenth time, and without the least intention of being funny, I heard him say: "Well, if I ever catch that nipper of mine playin' soldiers, I won't 'arf knock 'is blinkin' block orf." —A. M. B. (late Artists Rifles), Savage Club, W.C.2.
Per Carrier
During the occupation of the "foreshores of Gallipoli" in 1915 the troops were suffering from shortage of water.
I and six more, including Tich, were detailed to carry petrol cans full of water up to the front line. We had rather a rough passage over very hilly ground, and more than one of us tripped over stones that were strewn across the path, causing us to say a few strong words.
By the time we reached our destination we were just about all in, and on being challenged "Halt; who goes there?" Tich answered: "Carter Paterson and Co. with 'Adam's ale,' all nice and frothy!" —D. W. Jordan (late 1/5th Essex, 54th Division), 109a Gilmore Road, Lewisham, S.E.13.
"Enemy" in the Wire
I was in charge of an advanced post on the Dorian front, Salonica, 1917, which had been often raided by the Bulgars, and we were advised to be extra wary. In the event of an attack we were to fire a red flare, which was a signal for the artillery to put over a barrage.
About 2 a.m. we heard a commotion in our wire, but, receiving no answer to our challenge, I decided to await further developments. The noise was soon repeated in a way that left no doubt in my mind that we were being attacked, so I ordered the section to open fire and sent up the signal for the guns.
Imagine our surprise when, after all was quiet again, we heard the same noise in the wire. One of the sentries was a Cockney, and without a word he crawled over the parapet and disappeared in the direction of the noise.
A few minutes later came the sound of smothered laughter, and the sentry returned with a hedgehog firmly fixed in an empty bully tin. It was the cause of our alarm!
After releasing the animal from its predicament, the sentry said: "We'd better send the blighter to the Zoo, Corp, wiv a card to say 'this little pig put the wind up the troops, caused a fousand men to open fire, was bombed, machine-gunned, and shelled.' Blimey! I'd like to see the Gunner officer's face if he knew this." —D. R. Payne, M.M. (ex-Worcester Regt.), 40 High Street, Overton, Hants.
Straight from the Heart
Under canvas at Rousseauville with 27th Squadron, R.F.C., early 1918 – wet season – raining hard – everything wet through and muddy – a "fed-up" gloomy feeling everywhere.
We were trying to start a 3-ton lorry that was stuck in the mud on the aerodrome. After we had all had a shot at swinging the starting handle, the very Cockney driver of the lorry completely exhausted himself in yet another unsuccessful attempt to start up. Then, leaning against the radiator and pushing his cap back, he puffed out: