Леонид Юзефович – писатель, историк, лауреат премий «Большая книга», «Национальный бестселлер» и «Ясная Поляна». Автор документальных романов-биографий «Самодержец пустыни» о бароне Унгерне и «Зимняя дорога» о белом генерале Анатолии Пепеляеве и красном командире Иване Строде, романов «Казароза» и «Журавли и карлики», сборника рассказов «Маяк на Хийумаа» и повести «Поход на Бар-Хото», в которой он вновь обращается к монгольской тематике.

В новую книгу «Мемуар» вошли избранные стихи Леонида Юзефовича, написанные с 1965-го по 2023 год, и автобиографическое эссе о любви к поэзии, которую он пронёс через всю жизнь.

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Леонид Юзефович
Мемуар. Стихи и переводы. 1965–2023

В оформлении книги использованы фотографии Евгения Петрушанского

(переплёт, форзац, нахзац (разворот))

и Игоря Мухина (нахзац (полосная)).

$\"\"/$

Ландшафты

Обеденный перерыв [1]1
Мне было 17 лет, я тогда работал фрезеровщиком на пермском Электроприборном заводе (он же – «Часовой» и п/я 601).

[Закрыть]

\t\t
Съесть пару мятых пирожков, запить
                                             томатным соком,
Сесть, изучая этот день по чёрточкам заноз,
Курить, смотреть, как вьётся дым
                                   под потолком высоким —
А рядом, как часы, стучат костяшки домино.
\t\t
\t\t
На электрических часах устало
                                                стрелка дрогнет,
Ещё минута – и течёт
                                     расплавленный звонок.
Оставят парни домино, свои оправят робы,
И встану я за мой рябой,
                                     мой фрезерный станок.
\t\t
\t\t
Забью тяжёлым молотком тупую заготовку,
Так, что прокладка зазвенит
                                        в промасленных тисах,
И вдруг пойму, что этот день,
                                       как я, прямой и тонкий,
Переломился пополам не только на часах.
\t\t

1965

После смены

\t\t
Течёт толпа из хмурых проходных,
На всех углах двоится и троится,
И вот уже остались мы одни,
И вот уже вокруг чужие лица.
\t\t
\t\t
Там, позади, людской поток течёт,
И полы у плащей взметает ветер,
А здесь уже мы все наперечёт
И, может быть, одни на целом свете.
\t\t
\t\t
Напрасная ль дорога нам легла,
Раз так легко нам в мире растворяться,
Прощаться возле каждого угла
И на холодных улицах теряться?
\t\t

1965

В подземелье. Псково-Печерский монастырь

\t\t
Отец-наместник дал мне разрешенье
Сойти во тьму, ведь мы с ним —
земляки.[2]2
Тогдашний настоятель монастыря, архимандрит Алипий (Воронов), узнав, что я из Перми, сказал мне, что одно время жил в Пермской области, в Соликамске. Художник по профессии, он, вероятно, реставрировал там настенную роспись в одной из церквей XVII века. В качестве его «земляка» я и попал в монастырские пещеры, что в те годы мало кому удавалось.

[Закрыть]
Свеча в руке, кончаются ступени
И каплет талый воск на башмаки.
\t\t
\t\t
Над нами флюгера на башнях стонут,
А здесь во мраке тлеют образа.
Со мной идёт загадочный эстонец,
Его непроницаемы глаза.
\t\t
\t\t
И нас ведёт загадочный священник,
Его глаза сухи, утомлены.
Я у него готов просить прощенья,
Хотя не знаю за собой вины.
\t\t
\t\t
А тишь такая, что зрачки морозит.
Но вот в простенке задрожит свеча —
Закладывают склеп. Как капли оземь,
Всё глуше, глуше кирпичи стучат.
\t\t
\t\t
А ведь сегодня утром мне казалось,
Что чудеса должны быть высоки, —
И вот в песке подземном увязают
Закапанные воском башмаки,
\t\t
\t\t
И холод этих стен в разгаре лета
Рассеивает всю мою тоску.
Так дай мне Бог шагать по белу свету,
Как я иду по чёрному песку.
\t\t

1967

«Нам объяснял экскурсовод…»

\t\t
Нам объяснял экскурсовод,
В какой реке какая рыба,
В какой тюрьме какая дыба,
В какой земле какой народ,
\t\t
\t\t
Какая где растёт трава,
Где мертвецов в земле хоронят,
Где на добычу стай вороньих
Их вешают на дерева.
\t\t
\t\t
Мне было чувствовать дано,
Как весело прошло по жилам
И голову мою вскружило
Всезнанья сладкое вино.
\t\t
\t\t
Теперь я понял, что нигде
Не могут люди жить без хлеба,
Что дождь на землю сходит с неба,
А рыба плавает в воде.
\t\t

1970-е

Селенга

\t\t
На песке у медленной воды
Влагой наливаются следы —
\t\t
\t\t
Это в полукружье каблука
Селенга́, зелёная река.
\t\t
\t\t
У неё – шестнадцать рукавов,
Вдоль неё – пятнадцать островов.
Как щетина жёсткая, трава
Густо покрывает острова.
\t\t
\t\t
Дно реки – страницу из песка,
Покрывают строки дневника.
Образуют в тёмной глубине
Надписи, неведомые мне,
Бычий череп или шар ядра,
Гривенник и дужка от ведра.
\t\t
\t\t
Селенга, зелёная река,
Вспомнит молодого казака,
Вынесет на берег для меня
Пряжку от казачьего ремня
С барабаном, саблей и орлом,
Чищенную мелом и сукном.
\t\t
\t\t
А теперь у медного орла
Зеленью подёрнуты крыла,
Как трава по этим островам,
Как вода по этим рукавам.
\t\t

1970-е

Баллада

\t\t
Был ты, хан Зундуй, великий хан,
Табуны твои сотрясали степь,
А теперь у тебя четыре шатра,
На четыре шатра – одна кошма.
\t\t
\t\t
Где лежит кошма, там сидит жена.
Было сорок жён, а теперь одна.
\t\t
\t\t
Лишь она одна в очаге твоём
Бережёт огонь и сидит у ног.
Не ушла, как все, за чужим седлом
Ни травой под снег, ни водой в песок.
\t\t
\t\t
Был ты, хан Зундуй, великий хан,
Твой бунчук сиял, как в ночи огонь.
Где стоял бунчук, свищет тарбаган,
Табуны твои стали ветром с гор.
\t\t
\t\t
У тебя мечей: один меч тупой,
Один ржавый меч,
                   с третьим – в землю лечь,
А четвёртый меч твой последний раб
Привязал к бедру, убежав вчера.
\t\t
\t\t
У тебя коней: один конь хромой,
Один конь больной,
                            один конь – дурной,
А четвёртый конь мог служить добром,
Да живёт стрела под его ребром.
\t\t
\t\t
У тебя друзей: один друг немой,
Один друг слепой,
                             один друг – скупой,
А четвёртый друг не поднимет рук,
Его кружит дух, как гончарный круг.
\t\t
\t\t
А врагов твоих дотемна считать,
До зари потом и до звёзд опять,
И ещё останется сто врагов,
Чтоб прогнать тебя по семи кругам,
А сто первой – та, что глядит в огонь
Твоего последнего очага.
\t\t
\t\t
Чья ладонь дрожит на твоей щеке,
Да душа лежит – не в твоей руке.
\t\t

1970-е

Наводнение

\t\t
В конце июня расцвели жарки.
К концу июня выгорели травы.
Патруль идёт по берегу реки —
Я у воды и два солдата справа.
\t\t
\t\t
Надувшаяся к ночи Селенга,
Тугая, словно брюхо барабана,
Несётся, не вмещаясь в берега,
От скал Хангая до Хамар-Дабана.
\t\t
\t\t
Откуда столько бешеной воды?
Ни одного дождя за три недели.
Стоит жара, лесных пожаров дым
Ложится чёрной крошкой на постели,
\t\t
\t\t
Но оттого смутилась Селенга
И все её притоки одурели,
Что вечные в горах сошли снега,
И скалы от потёков побурели.
\t\t
\t\t
Не таяли они с начала дней,
Сияли с разделенья тьмы и света.
Вершины гор уже угля черней —
Невиданное наступает лето.
\t\t
\t\t
И движутся, пронзая чёрный лес,
И сверху озаряя ельник мелкий,
На циферблате меркнущих небес
Прожекторов чудовищные стрелки.
\t\t

1970-е

Бурхан

\t\t
Думал я о бурятском боге —
Как он тих, незлобив и благ
Восседает в своём чертоге
О восьми золотых углах,
\t\t
\t\t
Как он смотрит на землю эту,
Потонувшую в ранней тьме,
Позволяя вечному свету
По монашеской течь курме,
\t\t
\t\t
И с руки, от бронзы помятой,
Направляя его в ночи,
Чтоб в окне, проложенном ватой,
Я увидел его лучи
\t\t
\t\t
Сквозь своё, склонённое к раме
И двоящееся в полумгле
С четырьмя пустыми глазами
Отраженье в грязном стекле.
\t\t
\t\t
Как страницы великой книги,
За окном шелестят пески.
Тяжело ты, лунное иго, —
Свет, сошедший с его руки.
\t\t
\t\t
Там, над садом в четыре сотки,
Прилетевший с соседней сопки
Возле бога кружит октябрь
С белым пухом в жёлтых когтях.
\t\t

1980-е

Ветеран

\t\t
Военный городок на берегу.
Железные ворота. Проходная.
Горячий ветер лижет Селенгу.
Жара – дневная, музыка – ночная.
\t\t
\t\t
Песок и ветер хлещут по глазам,
Но со слезой яснее вспомнишь – узкий
Небесный серп над крышами казарм
Под утро, в ожидании погрузки.
\t\t
\t\t
В посёлке с ночи сняты патрули.
Комэски в штабе склеивают карты.
Над полосой светлеющей земли
Развёрнуты песчаные штандарты.
\t\t
\t\t
Они летят над самой Селенгой,
Воды касаясь пыльными кистями,
Где узкий берег выгнулся дугой,
Как верховой со срочными вестями.
\t\t
\t\t
В тугих чехлах укрыт знаменный шёлк.
Молчит труба. Под утро, к эшелону,
На станцию кавалерийский полк
Вытягивает тёмную колонну,
\t\t
\t\t
Чтобы теперь в столовке полковой
С плакатом про героев Халхин-Гола
Плеснуть в стаканы водки даровой
Под лязганье казённого глагола.
\t\t
\t\t
Есть винегрет и верить, что твоя
Жизнь удалась, на полку встанет книга,
И выползет из черепа змея,
Чтобы ужалить старого комбрига.
\t\t

1980-е

«Четыре дня на юг, на юг…»

\t\t
Четыре дня на юг, на юг,
Четыре долгих дня
Он торопил коня на юг
И не щадил коня.
\t\t
\t\t
В кровавой пене конский бок,
Глаза – красней вина,
Но мчится бешеный седок
И шпорит скакуна.
\t\t
\t\t
И тот, кто сорок лет назад
Вознёс его в седло,
Кто гнал его сквозь дождь и град,
Промолвил, опуская взгляд,
Вздыхая тяжело:
\t\t
\t\t
«Довольно, дам покой ему.
На этом берегу
Он – лист дубовый, к моему
Прилипший сапогу.
\t\t
\t\t
И я стряхну его с ноги,
Пускай летит в огонь,
Туда, где сняты сапоги
И отдыхает конь».
\t\t

1990-е

Манёвры

\t\t
Снег отражает, как слюда,
Небес туманное свеченье.
В урочище Эрген-Цада
Нас выводили на ученья.
\t\t
\t\t
Урочище Эрген-Цада
Омыто ветром небывалым.
Трепещет поздняя звезда,
Как стоп-сигнал над перевалом.
\t\t
\t\t
Воздевши крылья на весу,
Садятся медленные птицы
В распаханную полосу
Вдоль государственной границы.
\t\t
\t\t
Мне этот мир давно знаком —
Древка антенны тяжкий трепет
И топовышка с бунчуком,
И рации немолчный лепет.
\t\t
\t\t
Там полковая частота
Ещё набита позывными,
Но вдруг вся эта голота
С их голосами номерными
\t\t
\t\t
Куда-то сдуется, и вот
Сквозь треск армейского эфира
Нездешний голос пропоёт
О красоте иного мира.
\t\t
\t\t
На первозданном языке
С гортанными и носовыми
Он возвестит о той реке
За башнями сторожевыми,
\t\t
\t\t
Куда, покинув свой капкан,
Мы все придём в блаженной неге,
Когда сарматский истукан
Приедет на хромой телеге.
\t\t

1990-е

Унгерн

\t\t
Там, где жёлтые облака
Гонит ночь на погибель птахам,
Всадник выткался из песка,
Вздыбил прах – и распался прахом.
\t\t
\t\t
Даже во́рону на обед
Не подаришь жёлтую вьюгу.
Здравствуй, время утрат и бед!
Око – северу, око – югу.
\t\t
\t\t
Эту степь не совьёшь узлом,
Не возьмёшь её на излом,
Не удержишь бунчук Чингиза —
Не по кисти. Не повезло.
Что ж, скачи, воплощая зло,
По изданиям Учпедгиза.
\t\t
\t\t
Чтобы мне не сойти с ума,
Я простился с тобой. Зима.
Матереют новые волки —
Не щенята, как были мы.
А на крышу твоей тюрьмы
Опадают сосен иголки.
\t\t

1990-е

«Я помню, что проснулся рано…»

\t\t
Я помню, что проснулся рано,
Что тихо было и тепло,
Едва-едва темнели рамы
Сквозь посветлевшее стекло.
\t\t
\t\t
Не знал я, что запомню это,
Как помнят то, пред чем в долгу, —
В начале дня, в исходе лета
Я выхожу на Селенгу.
\t\t
\t\t
Минуя бесконечный берег,
На запад тянется река,
Кулик бревно шагами мерит
По кромке влажного песка.
\t\t
\t\t
В начале дня, в исходе лета
На том далёком берегу
Листок багульника, что где-то
Успел прилипнуть к сапогу,
\t\t
\t\t
Снимаю, на воду бросаю.
Кружась, он падает у ног.
Он узок, он похож на саблю,
Мазутом мечен черенок.
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О, эта точка, эта мета,
Пар над водой и шум в крови!
В начале дня, в исходе лета —
Лети, кружись, тони, плыви.
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2000-е

«Чернеет ночь, белеет снег…»

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Чернеет ночь, белеет снег,
Луна над крышами желтеет.
Домой приходит человек,
Включает свет и ужин греет.
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Покуда чайник засвистит,
И пар из носика ударит,
Газетой он пошелестит —
Какой погодой ночь одарит?
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Он стал внимателен теперь
К набегам туч, снегов круженьям,
Как женщина в поре потерь
К своим вечерним отраженьям.
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Он знает: хрупок этот мир,
И камень этих стен непрочен,
И снег под сводами квартир
В каких-то книгах напророчен.
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Ну а пока идут часы
Его вечернего уюта,
И свеж батон, и мягок сыр,
И чай заварен в меру круто.
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2010-е

Зимняя дорога

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Годик пожил – и всё, прощай,
И ушёл, опираясь на меч.
А у ней – ни ключа, ни плаща,
Леденеет она до плеч.
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Перед ним – ни зги, ни пути,
Ни огня, ни звезды, ни встреч,
По следам его не найти,
Не утешить, не уберечь.
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А ведь, было, совсем привык,
Понимал человечью речь,
Забывал кащеев язык…
И ушёл, опираясь на меч.
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Что же делать, куда брести?
Чем согреться и как забыть?
Разве сердце зажать в горсти
И на счастье его разбить.
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2015

Гадание по Лукрецию

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Начало 1990-х, Москва, лето.
«Независимая газета»
проводит букинистический аукцион.
Один из лотов – Тит Лукреций Кар,
«О природе вещей»,
с экслибрисом Колчака.
Начальная цена – 50 долларов,
Огромные деньги.
Кто купил – не знаю.
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Через двадцать лет напишу в сценарии:
1919 год, Омск, зима.
Бессильный диктатор,
                                 не устающий напоминать,
что диктатура —
                          учреждение республиканское,
бессонной ночью решил погадать
                                                        о будущем,
но Горация нет под рукой.
Раскрыл наугад Лукреция,
закрыл глаза,
ткнул пальцем в страницу, читает:
«Когда солнечный свет, проникая в жилище,
мрак прорезает лучами,
в этих лучах множество крошечных тел
                                                     ты увидишь —
мечутся взад и вперёд в пустоте неустанно,
бесцельно,
в вечном движенье
и в вечной борьбе пребывая».
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2016

Обеденный перерыв[1]1 Мне было 17 лет, я тогда работал фрезеровщиком на пермском Электроприборном заводе (он же – «Часовой» и п/я 601).[Закрыть]

Обеденный перерыв [1]1
Мне было 17 лет, я тогда работал фрезеровщиком на пермском Электроприборном заводе (он же – «Часовой» и п/я 601).

[Закрыть]