Windows of Opportunities

Harvest Festival

– Get ready, Hans! We are entering the window of opportunity!

– Readiness level one, sir! I confirm!

– What’s that on your screen, Hans?

– It’s on our front camera, sir! Toroidal galaxy or nebula, sir!

– I would say it looks like a fanny, Hans! What a miracle! As soon as the window of opportunity opened, somebody’s butt appeared in it!

– An interesting pattern, sir!

– You bet! Now send to space galactic greetings, as required by the Rules!

– Done!

– Is there any answer?

– No, nothing, sir! But, there’s some kind of modulation received, probably local music…

– Try to come closer to that planet, it’s most likely from there!

– Looks like it, sir!

– Can you imagine, Hans, we are in the galaxy called the Ass of the World! Nevertheless, they are having fun in it!

– Yes, sir, they are probably dancing!

– Harvest Festival, Hans, or some other crap!

– Possible, sir!

– See, Hans, what a joy! Have you ever dreamt of getting into the Ass of the World for a Harvest Festival!

– Never dared dream about it, sir!

– And yet, we did it!

– Shall we start a rain there! As an experiment?

– Come on, Hans, downpour, and let’s get out from here! We don’t need to come to any contact with them! If we are not lost, of course…

– It’s forbidden by the Rules of the Flights, sir!

– True, but to send them a shower is acceptable!

– What should I put as the reason for the interference in the form, sir?

– Security, Hans, of course, our security! You never know what kind of boomerangs they can throw at us…

– It’s raining, sir! For three days running now! I wish it was raining beer, sir!

– Good things keep on coming! Do throw them a lightning bolt a couple of times! Show them we also know how to have fun! Did you say “beer” or is it in my imagination?

– I did, sir!

– Don’t forget to transfer some to us! We can’t waste the opportunity!

– To celebrate their harvest, sir?

– Exactly!

Darkness

– Hans, why have all the stars disappeared?

– Turbulence, sir?

– Don’t be silly, Hans, what kind of turbulence? We are in another galaxy, moreover, in airless space.

– Then this is most likely the machinations of the Russians, sir!

– Come on, Hans! To pinch all the stars in the sky is too much even for the Russians! What’s on your space sensor?

– Gas nebula, sir!

– So the lenses are closed, Hans, and we can’t see anything. Check our heat shield!

– Already done, sir!

– How much do we have?

– 20—30 minutes, sir…

– We can get overheated, Hans! Did you send a signal to the base?

– Doesn’t work, sir!

– Turn the ship over!

– No change, sir, the sensors got stuck, the lenses don’t open, as if we were diving into some sticky goo…

– Anything can be, Hans… Just anything can be… In that case, the main thing is not to panic. But if you do, make sure you’re the first to panic, Hans! With a proper subordination!

– Serving the system, sir!

– That’s it! I never thought that I would have to work as a sewer…

– What did you say, sir?

– Nothing, do not pay attention, let’s spin a little and don’t lose our speed… Move slowly! Someone has sprayed some crap on our way, a lot of crap… And some very crappy crap… But we can make it, Hans, we will definitely emerge out and wash the ship after. Now with all the shit outside the ship the most important thing is not to shit inside, so the System may be proud of us again!

– Serving the System, sir!

– Exactly! And turn off your imagination for now!

Jubilee

– Hans!

– Yes, sir!

– You know, I’ve been flying with you for a whole year!

– Yes, sir, one might say, it is an anniversary!

– That’s it! We could celebrate it somehow…

– Like invite someone, sir?

– Well, that’s not likely to work, Hans. We’re in another galaxy!

– Then do something special! For example, decorate the ship with garlands!

– Not allowed by the rules, Hans. Reduces safety!

– Well, cook something delicious then.

– For that we need ingredients, Hans? What special dish can be concocted of porridge No. 1 and porridge No. 2? Porridge number 3, even if you mix them all? What wingdings did you do at the Academy when the year ended?

– Better not to recall, sir! Moreover, since we are in another galaxy… Once the guys and I went…

– Set aside for now, Hans! Look, something has materialized in the transfer device!

– It’s wrapped in colorful paper, sir! And tied with a ribbon.

– Here, you see, Hans! The System remembers you, the System is always with you!

– Serving the System, sir!

– Open it carefully, try not to damage the paper!

– Oh, it’s a book, sir: Guidelines for Conducting a Safety Flight on an Airplane!

– Just as I thought! I wonder where they’ve dug out this vintage thing!

– Some of your friends, sir?

– Or yours, Hans. We’ll find out one day. I have an idea! Look which ship has a similar anniversary and teleport this book to them! Let them have some fun too!

– Will do, sir!

Upside down

– Hans, why are we hanging upside down like flies?

– The induced gravity subsystem is malfunctioning, sir. The field concentration point has moved. I’ll fix it in a minute, sir!

– Only gradually, Hans! We do not need to land on our heads!

– Land on our heads? What does this mean, sir?

– Kick the sand head over heels. That’s what the acrobats say in a circus when they are out of luck!

– Did you work in the circus before, sir?

– I am working there now! Together with you! I can imagine what is happening on our ship now in “places that are not as remote as they are secluded”!

– The Doppel-Fackelmann system should have prevented leaks, sir!

– You know, Hans, there’s one thing in the Universe that I don’t have full confidence in, and that’s exactly the Doppel-Fackelmann system. So, check it out anyway! In the name of the System!

– Serving the System, sir!

– Sure, you are, but put on a protective suit first. It is always better to serve the System in a protective suit than without it.

Rating

– Sir, our rating has been lowered!

– It has? Those shysters! For what?

– We did not let the White Senators’ mission pass ahead of us into the previous window of opportunity!

– The mission of the Wight Senators?

– I said White, sir!

– It’s almost the same, Hans, you shouldn’t have rushed there.

– But it was your order, sir!

– You shouldn’t have rushed there following my order, Hans…

– Yes, sir!

– It’s a nuisance, Hans! What is our rating now?

– The penultimate, sir!

– I’m impressed you know this word, Hans. So below us there are only automatic stations and scavengers?

– Yes, sir!

– Can you meddle it one step up with your brain and pliers?

– No, access is denied as to a navigator of the mission with a low rating.

– And when might our penalty be lifted, Hans?

– I dare not know, sir, I’m afraid not before the end of the mission, sir!

– This is a big Fuggy nuisance, Hans! We can be queuing for weeks; the place is cramped!

– Yes, sir! Shall we inform the base that we are carrying a short-lived cargo?

– As if it could help!

– But our cargo may fall into decay, sir!

– Anything but that Hans! Or as straight as die we will be moved from the penultimate rating to the ultimate, that is, the last one! Who needs rotten stuff? In other words, junk! This is a much more serious matter, Hans…

– Do you really mean it, sir?

– Yes, Hans, this is a crucial matter!

– I’m close to despair, we’re in a hopeless scrape, sir!

– Not yet, don’t panic, Hans! Pull your socks up and urgently start texting through a closed channel…

– Sorry, sir, the closed channel is closed for us!

– Then on an open channel, it’s even better… It will open their eyes! The wider – the better. Transmit this “code word TWOPENGUINS” three times in a row?

– Two penguins, sir?

– No space, capital letters and with the words “code word” and our number!

– Done, sir!

– Look at the rating!

– It’s growing sir, it’s higher than at the start of the mission. It is higher than that of the senators! It’s incredible!

– Prepare to jump, we jump first!

– Warming up, sir! And what does this code word TWOPENGUINS really mean!

– I have no idea, Hans! This is something that is never taught at the Academy!

– If truth be told, never, sir!

– But it’s worked!

– Yes, sir!

– Hooray, Hans, except one thing, I still have to take the rap for both of us!

Passenger

– Sir!

– What have you got, Hans?

– This is from our passenger!

– We have no passenger, Hans, we dropped her off at the base two days ago.

– Yes, sir! She’s left something with us, sir!

– What exactly?

– Some object, a kind of mascot.

– Is it valuable?

– She says, it’s dear to her like her heirloom, but no, sir, it’s not valuable!

– Was her cabin cleaned?

– Yes, sir, automatically! The robot-cleaner has processed one part and expunged the other…

– If I take it right, her forgotten crap must be flying somewhere now.

– Disassembled into atoms, sir. As an ionized gas cloud.

– Send her a picture of some nebula. No, wait, I have a better idea. When do we jump?

– In 15 minutes, sir.

– To another galaxy?

– Yes, sir! Where else?

– The signal does not get there, does it?

– No, sir, we’ll not receive it until the next window…

– Good!

– Sir, I dare report…

– Go ahead, break the news!

– There is a small chance that this lady’s talisman is still somewhere here! The Janitor says he hasn’t processed it yet! He was being tested for compliance, sir.

– Hans, we will not rummage through the trash, it’s even worse than looking for a needle in a haystack.

– In a haystack, sir?

– Do you know why it’s so hard to find a needle in a haystack? Not because it’s so small, Hans, but because it’s so cheap! No one will bother looking for a needle there! Who needs to count needles! A diamond of the same weight will be searched and found for sure!

– A diamond, sir?

– Don’t you know what a diamond is?

– No, sir! Never heard of it!

– And have not seen one either?

– On my honor, I have not seen one, sir!

– But you know what a haystack, hay or a needle is?

– No, sir, I have no idea!

– That is, you haven’t got the slightest idea what I was talking about?

– No, sir!

– At least you are an honest man, Hans! Kudos for that!

– Kudos, sir?

– Ah, forget it! Warm up the engine, we are jumping in 10 minutes!

– Yes, sir! Clear for action one, sir!

Cat

– Hans, what’s up? You look pathetic!

– No, not at all, sir! Yes, you are right, I’m a little sad, sir!

– Are you? Why’s that?

– I can’t figure it myself, sir!

– Hans, you know there is a sure remedy for sadness!

– I know, sir, it is to learn a charter by heart! But this is an old-hat joke, sir! We used to be told so at the Academy.

– That’s right, Hans, but at the Academy weren’t you also taught that to be sad is the worst thing in the world?

– We were never sad at the Academy!

– Even in the Flight Safety classes?

– Especially in them, sir! We did this… Once…

– Now you do look cheerful again, Hans.

– Yes, a little. Maybe we should keep some pets, like a fish or a cat?

– You’re out of your mind, Hans! What kind of sentimentality is that? Is there not enough work for you at the vivarium? Moreover, it is forbidden to keep animals on board the ship.

– No, I didn’t mean real, I mean artificial! Even translucent. I will find some corner for them. Models with the second level of intelligence.

– Like yours?

– You are kidding me, sir!

– Nearly!

– May I have some animals, sir?

– Come on, but not many. Mind you, animals may be artificial, but the problems associated with them could be real.

– I don’t quite understand you, sir!

– Affection, jealousy, attachment, excitement…

– I can handle them all, sir!

– Can you? But I think about myself now! I’ve just imagined them: transparent as ghosts, messing underfoot, or worst of all, talking to me…

– I can make them invisible to you, sir.

– Do you mean, you will have animal sprites in your head that are invisible to me?

– Yes, sir!

– Go ahead! One more, one less! I thought you don’t have room for more, but if there is still some space left – go for it definitely or indefinitely! Have you cheered up?

– Yes, sir!

– Then turn your attention on, there are several minutes left before the communication session begins.

Order

– Sir, there is a package delivered in the transfer device!

– Look what there is this time!

– It is the Order of the Empire! Your reward, sir! It reads that it is for the extraordinary courage shown while rescuing the Nightwalker spaceship last year.

– This is probably the one we’ve pushed through the window of opportunity. They didn’t want to go and offered fierce resistance.

– Yes, sir! You’ve received the Order for “Outstanding Contribution to System Security”.

– Serving the System, Hans!

– Serving the System along with you, sir!

– It is a great honor, Hans, for me and for the ship too! You must call me “sir’ from now on!

– But this is how I’m used to calling you, “sir’, sir!

– “Sir-sir”, that might be too much, Hans. One word “sir’ is enough. Otherwise I will have to call you Hans-Hans!

– Yes, sir! Sir…

– Hans, as I’ve said, you don’t need to repeat “sir’ twice.

– Yes, sir, but look, the box has disappeared and your order has also vanished!

– What The Fume, Hans!

– The fume has disappeared too, sir! Look, here is the holographic message instead: the physical order has been removed due to the policy of economy and modesty. Your title and nomination are retained, but without appropriate treatment and display rights. This is a new rule of the System!

– Serving the System, Hans!

– Serving the System with you, sir!

– It’s even more convenient, Hans, because the order can get lost, sting me with its pin, catch on, damage or scratch something with daily wear. I take it as a safety hazard precaution, Hans!

– Will you suggest these considerations to the High Council, or would you prefer me to do it, sir?

– Be my guest! I will see if you receive the Order “for the outstanding contribution to the security of the System”, which will also disappear without a trace in outer space… Do not forget to point out my efficient and careful leadership!

– Will do, sir!

– It’s a shame I didn’t get any shots taken wearing it.

– I did sir. I’ll print your portrait and embed a copy of the order in it. The order will come out of the plane. You will like it, sir!

– You are a true friend, Hans! I wonder who made the proposal for economy and modesty… I’ve got some clues though…

– I’m at a loss what to say, sir.

– I thought so, Hans! But don’t rush next time. Time must always be considered! Timing is everything in our business!

– Sorry, I don’t quite understand you, sir!

– Never mind! Take it to the left, we need to bypass that overfield.

– Yes, sir!

Captain

– Sir, may I ask a question?

– Come on, Hans, just be brief!

– How did you become the captain?

– How did I become a captain? Or how did I become the captain of this ship? See, these are two questions!

– Probably the first, sir!

– At first I became a navigator like you. You don’t want me to tell you how I did that, do you?

– No, sir!

– Then I entered the School of Captains…

– You went back to school, sir?

– Indeed, we were joking when we were young that after the Academy of Navigators you need to go to the School of Captains, and in order to become an Admiral, you probably should go to the Kindergarten… And everybody laughed like hippos!

– This is really very funny, sir!

– You bet! We thought so, too, but it’s not as funny as that, Hans, and you will know why one day!

– Then I had been serving for several years on a large ship as an assistant captain, and then they gave me some kind of jalopy, a pathetic ruin with a robot navigator. What a bore he was! But gradually we’ve got used to each other! Sometimes he even sends me his greetings! He’s quite old for a robot, dodges mandatory upgrades… What’s flashing on your screen?

– Some small objects on the course, like asteroids, sir!

– Have we entered the field of gravity of some star?

– There is no star around on the indicator, sir!

– Instant acceleration, Hans!

– Why, sir?

– Don’t ask idiotic questions, do it! I’ll chart a course

and you take the console, you will be the captain for a few minutes! Just don’t press anything in a hurry!

– Yes, sir, I’ll be careful!

– Seems we have slipped through!

– What was that, sir?

– We flew straight to the event horizon of the black hole. A little more, we would not be able to escape and would be smeared over this very horizon…

– I can’t understand how it happened sir…

– Mark in the log: unidentifiable black hole in the square, put the coordinates, let them figure it out! Be careful, Hans! Do you know what is the main difference between a navigator and a captain?

– I daren’t know sir

– The captain can always say to the navigator: “Be careful!”

Radish

– Hans, what’s that on your food tray?

– Common radish, sir!

– Real radish? Where did you get it? We are in another galaxy!

– It grew up in the greenhouse, in the laboratory, sir!

– You’re out of your mind, Hans! There can be any sort of viruses there!

– Not in a separate container, sir! I put it away from the rest. It is absolutely lovely!

– Have you tried it?

– Not yet, but the analyzer gives a complete match to the standard of the species Raphanus sativus.

– Be careful with it, there are at least three days of flight to the nearest window of opportunity. What should I do with you if something goes wrong?

– I took all the precautions, sir!

– I can imagine! So, how does it taste?

– In my opinion, it is not any different from porridge number one, only more water. Crunchy… It’s funny, sir.

– No wonder, it’s tasteless, it’s from the greenhouse. There is nothing in it but water.

– I added organic fertilizers, sir.

– More reason for me to worry, Hans! Don’t eat more than one!

– I probably won’t, sir. Porridge with flavor modifiers is much better in my opinion.

– Let me spread it with the taste of pamplemousse. Have you ever seen a pamplemousse?

– Is it like a cow with big horns, sir?

– Don’t confuse moose and pamplemousse, Hans. Pamplemousse is fruit, in my opinion.

– And how do you like it with that taste?

– Only the devil knows what it is or may be!

– I tend to agree with you, sir? Do we have a moose-flavored additive?

– Follow the course, Hans!

– Yes, sir!

Mosquitoes

– Sir, we’ve got mosquitoes!

– Mosquitoes, onboard?

– Yes sir. I seem to have seen one!

– You seemed or you saw?

– I saw, sir! And heard, sir, it was buzzing right above my ear…

– This may be very serious, Hans, who knows what shit they can transmit! We don’t need to drop sick with some cosmic fever in another galaxy!

– This may be very serious, sir!

– I said it first, Hans! Where do you think they came from?

– Cargo bay or the Russians, sir!

– Where do we get the Russians from?

– Mosquitoes, sir, from Siberia!

– This is very serious, Hans, they must be hungry!

– Hungry, sir, and opposed to us, I know, these Russians…

– Leave agitation aside, give me the temperature and humidity in the compartments!

– On the screen, sir!

– I don’t like the parameters there, Hans, but the mosquitos can be anywhere now: they fly, you know!

– That’s for sure, sir, they fly and buzz all night, they don’t let you sleep, these Russian snarling and squeaking mosquitoes, they are clearly plotting something!

– Did a mosquito bite you?

– Not yet, sir, I resisted their evil propaganda!

– Give a good blow through all compartments, lower the temperature – they should be sucked into the filter! We’ll have to chill out, Hans! Send a message to the center, tell them we have got unprecedented complications, details after the elimination of the incident!

– Aren’t we making an elephant out of a fly, sir?

– Do we have flies as well?

– Only in the laboratory, not too many!

– Count them all, Hans! They may be related to the mosquitoes!

– Sir!

– Yes, Hans!

– We have a toad in the laboratory!

– I don’t understand how it may help!

– But they are antagonists, sir, the toads eat them!

– Mosquitoes or flies?

– Both species, sir!

– Hans, go negotiate with the toad! What I’m saying… Incite it to catch mosquitoes for us!

– I’ll fetch it right now, sir!

…

– What have you got now?

– It thinks, sir!

– “It thinks”! Can your toad think?

– Yes sir!

– And how do you know?

– It sits silently and pouts!

– Am I dreaming?

– No, sir, it’s an ex…

– Tell your toad again, more persistently!

…

– It refuses most strongly, sir! It also insists that it be mentioned in all conversations as “she”.

– Why?

– She says…

– Wait, wait, wait, can your toad speak as well? Is she an enchanted princess?

– Princess, sir?

– Haven’t you read fairy tales?

– I didn’t read that one, sir! The toad said that she’s fine in the laboratory, but it’s cold and dry where we are! She will be uncomfortable with us! She is happy to be left alone in the warmth and dampness…

– Hans, I’m at my wit’s end! Or you have gone crazy! If you had a talk with the toad and heard the answers, tell her it’s an order!

– I’ve already told her!

– What did she say?

– She isn’t going to obey your orders, she is an independent toad, well-known and respectful in her circles. She has a high self-esteem and the second level of intelligence…

– Ah, that’s it, she’s a toad with intelligence… So, stop feeding her!

– Impossible, sir, she will complain to the institute that sent her, we’ll be in trouble!

– Damn her! Go dress warmly! Lower the temperature! Offer your toad a sock, a handkerchief, or something to keep it, that is, her warm.

– Don’t worry about her, sir, if anything, she’ll go into hibernation and…

– To hell with her, I’m fed up! Turn on the air evacuation, I am going to catch mosquitoes myself and, perhaps, eat them, to be on the safe side! There were my wings someplace…

– Your wings sir?

– No time for you now, Hans!

– I’m eager to help you, sir!

– No, just sit on your ass and watch the toad! Install 24/7 surveillance around her! These could be links in the same chain… Trust me! You never know what to expect from toads, mosquitoes and the Russians… This could be the beginning of a big conspiracy, Hans, but we are aware, alert and are already acting!