Buch lesen: «His Christmas Redemption»

Chapter One

Lance Drummond had never expected to find himself on his ex-wife’s doorstep. But he’d also never expected that his entire future would hinge upon her. At least not since their divorce. After all, they’d divorced for a reason. Not his reasons, but when someone told you they didn’t want to be married to you anymore, and counseling wasn’t working, the gentlemanly thing to do was to let that person out.

Besides, wasn’t there a saying that if you loved someone, you should set them free? He’d set Erin free, but sometimes his heart told him he was the biggest of all fools. Not just in letting her go, but for still wanting her in the first place. He’d had reasons of his own to want out of the marriage. But where he came from, when you made someone a promise before God and your family, you kept it. He might not have a great relationship with God these days, but he still didn’t think it was a good idea to break the promises you made Him. So here he was, knocking on the front door of a woman who’d given up on him, needing her help and not sure how to ask for it.

The door opened and a familiar but much more mature face peered out. “Uncle Lance? What are you doing here? Aunt Erin said you guys got divorced.”

That was one of the worst things about divorce. It wasn’t just about losing the partner who promised to stand by you, no matter what, but also losing extended family you’d grown to love. Like his nephew Dylan. He and Dylan had spent a lot of time together in the past, and the little guy, though not so little anymore at nine years old, used to follow him around.

Lance shook his head. He couldn’t think about those happy times. Not when they were lost to him and he would never get them back.

“We did, bud. But I need to talk to Erin about some things. If she’s home.”

The details were fuzzy when it came to what was going on with Erin and her sisters, Nicole and Leah. Based on the few conversations he’d had with her, they’d inherited some ranch from a relative he’d never heard of and moved to this tiny town of Columbine Springs, in the middle of nowhere Colorado, to make a go of ranching. It had been none of his business, but it seemed kind of foolish for them to pursue something like that when none of them knew the first thing about ranches. But here they were, a year and a half later, and they’d stuck it out.

How they were making it, he wasn’t sure. Erin had called him a few times since their divorce, asking if they could revisit the idea of selling the house they still jointly owned because she needed the money. The most recent call came a couple of weeks ago, but he’d refused, as always.

Why would she think he’d ever be willing to sell?

The house was technically marital property, which the court said had to be split evenly between them, even though he’d paid for most of it. Erin had said he could take his time with either selling the house or buying her out.

One day he’d have the money to buy her out and then his last tie to Erin would be severed.

Dylan held the door open wider. “She’s in the kitchen.”

Leaving the door open, Dylan ran in the direction of the other room. Though the outside of the house wasn’t yet decorated, stepping inside was like entering a Christmas nightmare. Erin and her sisters had always loved the holiday and, when they’d been married, her need to decorate to the hilt had been one of their common disagreements. He hated the commercialism and constant need for more, and she bought every sparkly Christmas item she set her eyes on. She used to want to start decorating as early as possible, but he’d always made her wait until after Thanksgiving.

How early had she started this year? He shook his head. None of his business.

Erin appeared in the doorway, wiping her hands on a towel. Her dark hair was up in a ponytail with random hairs that spilled out all over in the crazy way they did when she was working hard on a project. He shouldn’t care about her appearance or how life had been treating her over the past two years. And yet he couldn’t help thinking about how good she looked. Happy. Healthy.

Part of him was happy for her. But another part of him wanted to scream at her and ask how she could be doing so well after everything that had happened.

“Lance. What brings you here? Have you finally decided to sell the house?”

“No. But I do need to talk to you about something else. Can we go somewhere private to talk?”

Erin looked around for a moment then shook her head. “I’m afraid not. Leah and Nicole are both on their honeymoons, so I’m taking care of the boys until they get back.”

Lance stared at her for a moment. Leah and Nicole on honeymoons?

“Didn’t Leah’s husband and Nicole’s fiancé just die?”

Erin shrugged. “It’s been more than two years since Leah’s husband died, and it’s coming up on two years since Nicole’s fiancé died. I’d like to think that they’ve earned their chance to be happy. They’re both very good men, and the double wedding ceremony was one of the most beautiful I’ve ever seen. Maybe some people think two years is too soon, but when the heart finds what it’s looking for, why make it wait longer?”

The longing in her voice was like a knife to his stomach. “Does that mean you’ve moved on, too?”

Erin let out a long sigh. “Please don’t tell me you came all this way to ask about my dating life. It’s none of your business. But if you must know, I haven’t given up on the idea of falling in love again and having a family.”

Having a family? How could she think about that now?

“What about...?” He left a long pause. He hadn’t spoken their daughter’s name in months and barely at all over the past couple of years. Not since she’d died. Even now just thinking about her put his stomach in knots.

“It doesn’t make me love Lily any less,” she said, emphasizing Lily’s name, like she knew how much it still hurt him to hear it. That was why they could never go back, why he hadn’t fought Erin on the divorce. They hadn’t seen eye to eye on how to move forward after the tragedy and this, the first conversation they’d had about it in two years, only made it more obvious.

Erin gave him a gentle smile. “Her death was the hardest thing that ever happened to me, but her life was the best. You can’t have life without death, and it’s worth the pain of death to enjoy the beauty of life.”

That was why he’d never been able to talk to her about any of it. Losing their daughter had hurt so much that all he’d wanted to do was to yell and scream or punch something. But she would just go on with her ridiculous notions about thinking positive and those weird Bible verses about hope. Hope wouldn’t bring their daughter back. He supposed that was the only way Erin could deal with the pain, considering it was her fault their daughter had died.

Erin stepped forward and placed a hand on his arm. “Is that why you’re here? To fight with me over the past, because somehow fighting keeps it, and Lily, alive?”

Her touch burned his arm, but much as he wanted to shove her away and tell her she didn’t understand, it also felt so good that he wanted to stay like this forever. That was the trouble with sorting out his feelings over their daughter’s death and their failed marriage. He hated Erin on so many levels, but somehow he couldn’t stop loving her.

When he didn’t answer, she continued. “I know you’re struggling with moving on. I’m sorry. I know you didn’t like the therapist we went to, but maybe you should consider talking to someone else. It’s not healthy for you to still be so stuck in the past.”

He stepped away. If one more person said that to him, he would... Well, he didn’t know what he would do, but it was like an explosion building up inside him, only there wasn’t any place for it to go.

“I am seeing a therapist,” he said. “That’s why I’m here. I’m supposed to talk to you and make peace with what happened between us.”

That wasn’t all of it, but for now it would have to be enough. He wasn’t even sure that he knew what making peace meant. His counselor said that it was different for everyone, but Lance had to find a way to make the feelings of agony inside his stomach go away and for him to stop talking of Erin and their past with such bitterness. One more thing he didn’t know how to accomplish, but the counselor had suggested that talking to Erin might give him a path to figuring it out.

He wasn’t sure how much he was going to tell her yet, though. His business partner, Chad Maxwell, was threatening to force him out if he didn’t get a counselor to sign off on his mental health. According to Chad, Lance’s grief was keeping him from adequately performing his duties in helping him run the outdoor gear company they’d built together from the ground up.

Erin hated the company, and hated Chad even more. She had no idea what either of them meant to Lance, which had been a huge source of conflict in their marriage. So to tell her that he needed this to keep Chad from forcing him out would probably only give her more reason to show him the door.

She gave a casual shrug as if none of it mattered. “I’m at peace with you. I’ve got nothing against you, and I wish you nothing but the best in life. I’m sorry that you’re having a hard time moving forward, but I don’t know what that has to do with me.”

Before he could answer, a little boy came running into the room. “Auntie Erin! I finished painting my snowman!”

As it dawned on him who the boy was, all the air rushed out of Lance’s lungs. Ryan. The little boy was just a few months younger than their daughter had been. He was four now, and Lily...eternally two. Ryan had once been a fixture in their home, and even though the kids had been young, they’d been close. Lance had once loved the little boy like his own. This pain was deeper than what he’d felt at seeing Dylan.

“Who is that?” Ryan asked.

It did not seem right that Ryan didn’t remember him.

“This is Lance and he’s...” Erin didn’t finish her sentence, like she didn’t how to explain their relationship to the little boy.

Dylan joined them. “That’s Uncle Lance.”

Ryan looked confused. “How do we have an uncle Lance? Aunt Nicole is married to Uncle Nando, so did you get married, too?”

Erin let out a long sigh. “He’s not my husband anymore.”

Obviously they didn’t spend much time rehashing family history. Did Erin think of him at all? Of their daughter? She’d moved on and built this happy little life without them.

“Why not?” Ryan’s innocent question made Lance feel sick.

She looked uncomfortable and for that he was glad. At least she showed signs of the divorce having some impact on her.

Lance was supposed to be there to find peace, to get closure on this part of his life so he could move on with his future. Erin seemed to have done that, but instead of making him feel better, it only made him feel worse.

Lance had picked a fine time to decide to make peace with her about the past. If he wanted it so badly, why hadn’t he just gone ahead and put their house on the market, like she’d asked him to a couple of weeks ago? This was not a discussion she wanted to have in front of the boys, and as Ryan still looked at her expectantly about why she wasn’t married anymore, Erin had no idea what to say.

Finally she squatted beside Ryan and put her arm around him. “It’s one of those complicated grown-up things,” she said. “We used to be married and now we’re not.”

Ryan tilted his head. “Why not? When Mom and Dad got married, Dad promised he would love us forever and ever and ever, and he would never leave us. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do when you get married? How can you not be married anymore?”

Erin sighed. This wasn’t an easy topic for a four-year-old to understand. Especially since Leah, his mom, and Shane, his new dad, had just gotten married. It was easy to believe in forever on the day you spoke those vows. But tragedy had a way of changing things. How to explain those complications to a boy who’d been part of a wedding where he was finally getting an amazing dad?

“In most cases, yes. But sometimes bad things happen and the best thing is for both of you to go your separate ways.”

Ryan gave her a funny look. “That’s not what Mom says. Mom says you have to work together to figure it out. Even if it’s hard, Mom says it’s worth it in the end to work through your problems. Just like I did with Dylan when he broke my fire truck.”

She was rusty at this parenting thing. Being an aunt was so much easier.

Even though they’d all been living in this house together after moving here a year and a half ago, and before that, crammed into Nicole’s tiny apartment when Erin had left Lance two years ago, they had been an extended family for as long as Ryan had been alive. Erin tried just to be the boys’ aunt and not their mom. This whole conversation felt like a mom discussion, but Leah was on her honeymoon.

So she took a deep breath and prayed that she was using the right words, especially since she could feel Lance’s eyes boring into her, demanding that she answer not just for Ryan, but for him. He hadn’t wanted the divorce, and it was clear, from his presence, he still didn’t understand. But how were you supposed to keep explaining that you couldn’t handle being blamed for your daughter’s death? Or that he’d been too emotionally unavailable to work through their shared grief together? And why would he want to remain married to her, believing that about her?

Erin hugged Ryan close to her. “You’re right. People should try to work out their problems. Lance and I tried very hard to do so, but unfortunately it didn’t work.”

She didn’t look at Lance as she spoke the words, knowing it would probably just set him off. He didn’t want to hear about her pain, but he’d needed someone to blame and be angry at. That’s what their counselor had said.

Lance didn’t seem angry now, though. Just...lost.

Erin wasn’t sure she was the right person to help him find his way again.

Thinking about that time gave her an idea as to how to explain it to Ryan, though. “You remember how you guys went to a counselor when we first came here? Then again, once your mom and Shane decided to get married? Sometimes counselors help you fix things, but sometimes they show you things are too broken to be fixed.”

Lance made a strangled noise and Erin looked up to see the sadness in his eyes. He’d stormed out of so many of their counseling sessions. Did he understand just how much of that contributed to the breakdown of their marriage?

It didn’t matter. They were divorced now and whatever peace Lance was looking for, she hoped he found it. Even if she wasn’t part of that solution.

However her words seemed to resonate with Ryan, who nodded. “I didn’t know they did that. Does this mean he can’t play with me?”

She looked over at Lance, who seemed extremely uncomfortable. After Lily’s death, he couldn’t stand being around Ryan, who had spent so much time with them. When things were really bad with Jason, Leah’s late husband, Leah would often leave the boys with Erin. In some ways, Ryan and Lily had been like brother and sister.

“I’m not sure if he knows how to play your games,” Erin said. “Besides, we have to finish making and putting up our Christmas decorations.” Hopefully it would give Lance a way out without looking or feeling like a jerk.

“He could help,” Ryan offered.

Given that Erin and her sisters used to jokingly call Lance “the Grinch” because of how he’d make fun of all their Christmas merriment and holiday décor everywhere, asking him to help would probably be the quickest way to get rid of him.

“That’s a great idea,” Erin said, looking over at Lance. “We haven’t gotten the outside lights up yet, and I was wondering how I’d do that all by myself.”

Was it wrong of her to get a sick thrill at the look of horror on his face?

As his brow furrowed, she couldn’t help smiling. Lance was as good as gone.

Not that she necessarily had anything against him. But what did they have to say to one another anymore? He’d made it clear he didn’t want to sell the house.

“I guess I could lend a hand,” Lance finally said, sounding like he’d rather have all his toenails pulled out one by one.

Whatever this making peace business was about, it had to be big.

“Great,” Erin said, gesturing to a large box in the hall. “If you don’t mind carrying that outside, I’ll grab a ladder.”

When she returned to the front porch, carrying the ladder, Lance had already opened the box of lights and was looking through them.

“You’re going to need to test them,” he said.

“Already did that during our Christmas movie marathon over Thanksgiving.”

Lance groaned and Erin grinned. Most families were into football games and parades, but Erin and her sisters hated sports, so they’d created their own tradition by watching their favorite Christmas movies. This year their tradition had been slightly abbreviated since they’d been busy with wedding preparations for her sisters’ early December wedding.

All their decorating energy had been poured into the wedding and they hadn’t had time to get to the house.

That left the job to Erin. She was hoping that by the time her sisters got back from their respective honeymoons in two weeks, the entire place would be transformed into a Christmas wonderland.

As Erin got the ladder situated on the corner of the porch, she couldn’t help smiling as she pictured their faces at seeing how Erin had made it their best yet. They’d had so many terrible Christmases over the past few years, with Erin’s tragedy and the troubles of Leah’s previous marriage. Prior to that, growing up under the iron fist of their father, the Colonel—a man who made Scrooge look like a humanitarian—Christmas hadn’t been a joyous occasion in their home. She and her sisters had always promised each other that when they were finally on their own, and had the means to do so, they were going to have the most amazing Christmases ever.

Last year, things had looked like they were going to finally work out for them after all their tragedies. But Erin had gotten sick, and many of their plans had fallen through. This year Erin was determined. After all these years of waiting, her family would finally have the perfect Christmas they’d always dreamed of. She’d put together a whole binder for the family’s perfect Christmas, listing everything they were going to do to celebrate the holiday. She and the boys had spent all afternoon making more decorations, and while they may not be like the ones people bought in stores, her sisters would love knowing how the boys had helped.

She gestured to the string of lights Lance had started unwinding. “Can you hand me that one? And the stapler that’s in the box?”

As he handed them to her, he said, “You want me to do that? I used to always...”

He used to always be the one to hang the lights. And at some point during the process, he’d grumpily tell her that she was using more than she had the previous year and that it was a good thing he loved her. They’d end up laughing and kissing, and even though he hated her decorations, it had made her feel so loved that he’d indulged her anyway.

“I learned how to do it myself,” she said, taking the stapler in one hand and the lights in the other.

The pain in his eyes told her that he remembered their past, too.

Maybe whatever peace he had to make with her would be good for them both. She’d thought she was over him. After all their conversations once they decided to divorce, she’d thought about how good it was that they were divorced because they could never agree on anything.

But the thing was, even when they’d disagreed during their marriage, they’d often found ways to compromise, making sure the other person had what they needed. Somehow they’d lost that.

As Erin attached the lights to the edge of the roof, she wondered how she could convince Lance to understand that selling the house wasn’t about forgetting their daughter. It hadn’t meant anything to him while she was alive, so why did he have to put so much importance on it now?

Sometimes she thought it was his way of punishing her for Lily’s death. He blamed Erin and, based on their conversations since, he still did. Erin had fallen asleep while Lily napped and hadn’t heard Lily wake up. Nor had she heard Lily open the door and go outside. Erin had been so deeply asleep that she hadn’t realized her daughter had drowned in the creek until hours later, after discovering Lily missing. A search party had found the body.

She should have done a better job getting Lily to understand the dangers of playing by the creek. The little girl had been fascinated by the rushing water and went there every chance she got. Erin should have double-checked the lock on the door to make sure it was locked. She should have told Lance she wasn’t feeling well and that was why she hadn’t wanted him going back to work that day, instead of picking a fight with him and complaining that he spent more time at work than with his family. She should have...

Erin wiped a tear from her face. So many should haves, and not one would bring their daughter back. Nor would it bring back the baby she’d been carrying at the time. She hadn’t even had the chance to tell Lance, which was probably a good thing since he’d likely blame her for that loss, as well. More moisture hit her face and she realized it wasn’t tears. The storm forecast to hit tonight was blowing in earlier than expected. Just a few more feet and she’d have this part done.

“Hey,” Lance called up. “It’s starting to snow. Maybe you should save this for another day.”

“I know,” she said. “I just need to finish this section.”

He made a noise like he always did when he was going to argue, but he didn’t say anything.

A few more snowflakes hit her face and a gust of wind blew the string still hanging. If she didn’t get it secured, the storm would likely rip the whole thing off and not only would she have to redo the lights, she’d probably have to buy new ones. They’d made that mistake last year when they started decorating early in the season.