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CHAPTER ONE

First Years

Baby and the 3Rs: 0–1

In the last fifty years advice on looking after baby has altered dramatically, and has almost gone full circle – from the 1950s strict routines of four-hourly feeds and plenty of fresh air, through Dr Spock’s liberation of the 1960s where mum and baby knew best, to the 1970s embrace with the ‘tribal’ approach, where baby spent all day in a sling strapped to one of its parents and all night in their bed. Recently there has been a move back to the stricter routine, as many mothers return to work and exhausted parents grapple with feeding on demand and the following day’s hectic work schedule.

This book is concerned with children’s behaviour, so I shall not be discussing the pros and cons of different baby-rearing regimes, nor the basics of looking after baby, for example feeding and bathing. There are already thousands of books on the market that do this, and most parents will find they adapt an approach which best suits their lifestyle. However, a working routine is an intrinsic and important part of the 3Rs and successfully raising a contented baby comes down to how you deal with two things: sleep and crying.

Sleep

Sleep takes on a whole new meaning with the arrival of a baby, simply because babies don’t. Well, they do, but not necessarily when the parents need to sleep, which is at night, and preferably for seven unbroken hours. A newborn baby can’t sleep through the night, as it can’t hold enough food in its tiny stomach. So nature has built in a fail-safe way of making sure baby is fed: mouth wide open, it screams the house down. This hunger cry is not the cry of a child who has hurt itself and needs comforting but nature’s inbuilt response to hunger, which guarantees that baby can’t be ignored, is fed and therefore survives and thrives. We have to accept that babies cry when they need feeding.

But why is baby still crying when it has been fed and changed? Good question. While baby manuals and child psychologists offer a wealth of possibilities for a baby not settling – from the trauma of birth to sheer bloody-mindedness – no one knows for sure. Other reasons may include being too warm, or cold, needing to be held, boredom, tiredness, thirst, colic and illness, but the end result is the same: crying.

Baby has just spent nine months tucked up snugly in a warm, wet womb, and no matter how pretty the nursery, it’s hardly a good substitute for this previous all-enveloping embrace – well, not to begin with at least. If baby is to settle when you put him to sleep or go back to sleep if he’s woken he will require a lot of reassuring. You will need to reassure baby that his needs will be met, as well as teaching him what you want in respect of routine, sleeping, etc. This can be achieved by using the 3Rs.

Request, Repeat and Reassure

Assuming baby is not ill (in which case seek medical advice), that the room is the right temperature and that baby is fed and clean, resettle the crying baby using the 3Rs: Request, Repeat and Reassure. First, Request baby to go back to sleep by tucking him in and settling, preferably without picking him up. Come out of the room, if baby has his own room, or move away from the cot if baby is in the parents’ room. Keep the lighting to a minimum – just enough for you to see what you are doing – and don’t make a lot of noise. It was dark in the womb and relatively quiet, and a sudden noise or bright light will startle baby.

If baby now settles and goes back to sleep, then you don’t need the second two stages in the 3Rs – well, not this time at least. But if baby is still screaming, then go to stages two and three. Repeat the procedure by going quietly into baby’s room or to the cot, and Reassure by tucking him in and resettling him. Then come out or move away. If baby is colicky, then change his position and wind him to release the trapped air, preferably not by taking him out of the cot but by leaning over to do this. Then come out or move away.

Still screaming? Do it again. Repeat and Reassure. This time with some verbal reassurance – ‘Sshhh, sshh, there, there … sleep time’ – in a low, calming voice. Just a few words so that baby doesn’t feel alone and is reassured by the sound of your voice, which he will already be used to, having heard it in the womb and since birth.

Still hasn’t settled? Repeat the procedure by going quietly into baby’s room or to the cot, and Reassure by tucking him in and resettling him. Repeat the procedure for as long as is necessary each and every time baby cries for an extended period. The time needed to resettle will quickly become less and less, until after a few nights (no more than five), the baby will settle within moments of being put to bed and go back to sleep after being fed.

What not to do at night

The above assumes that baby isn’t sleeping in the same bed as its parents, which is true of the majority of Western homes. I have never practised or encouraged baby sleeping in the same bed. It can be a difficult habit to break, and parents need some privacy, given that the rest of their lives have been taken over by the new arrival. It is also unnecessary to have baby in the same bed if baby is resettled and reassured by using the 3Rs.

I have never, and would never, leave a baby to cry itself to sleep, and this is something I feel most strongly about. Not only is it distressing for the baby not to have its needs met by being reassured and resettled, but it is also very distressing for parents to listen to their baby crying. No caring parent could happily turn over and go back to sleep with a baby shrieking in the room next door. Not having its needs met can engender insecurity in a baby, and guilt in the parents for not meeting its needs. Some mothers report feeling physically sick if they hear their baby cry and don’t answer its call. After all, Mother Nature has designed the cry to be responded to and it’s far easier (and loving) to get up and Reassure baby than lie there trying to blot out the shrieks.

Some of the saddest cases I have seen as a foster carer have been when babies were left to cry themselves to sleep, before they came into care, often as a result of the parents being too drunk or drugged to hear or answer their baby’s call. After a while the baby stops crying, completely, having learned there is no point: its needs are not going to be met, there’s no one coming, so it may as well shut up. These babies lie almost lifeless in their cots, in absolute silence, staring at the ceiling with blank expressionless eyes. Even when you go into their rooms they don’t look at you or smile.

Extreme cases, yes, but if you ignore baby’s cries for long enough, baby will stop crying – you wouldn’t keep asking for something that never ever came. I’m not suggesting you rush in at the slightest murmur – baby may turn over and go back to sleep. But if baby is crying for no obvious reason, then resettle using the 3Rs.

Daytime routine

Don’t be surprised if you have to resettle baby occasionally even after you have established a routine and baby is settling straight after feeding or being put down for a rest. Babies vary greatly in the amount of reassurance and sleep they need, and also in the degree to which they are affected by external stimuli. While one baby might sleep through an entire house party, another might be woken and become anxious by a door closing. Baby literature that continually quotes a norm – for example, at four months baby should be sleeping for x amount of hours – should be viewed with caution, as any parent will verify. One baby I looked after slept fourteen (unbroken) hours a night from two months old. Another only ever managed seven (broken) hours until she was two, but using the 3Rs she did learn to lie in her cot contentedly until I went in. The length of time needed to resettle a baby decreases each time you use the 3Rs, until eventually baby realises that its needs will be met and there’s no need to panic and scream.

That’s night-time. So what happens during the day when baby won’t settle? You apply the same 3Rs technique. You will be organising your day to suit your lifestyle, and baby will slowly be fitting in. Play with baby, and give him or her lots of kisses and cuddles. You can’t give a young baby too much attention, despite what some baby gurus suggest; you can’t and won’t spoil a baby, so enjoy him or her during the day when he or she is awake – babies thrive on love and attention. But when it’s time for baby to sleep, or settle in the cot, while you get on with something else or just have a coffee, baby needs to learn what is expected. So use the 3Rs approach.

I would always suggest settling baby for a daytime sleep in the cot he or she sleeps in at night, rather than on the sofa or in the pram. It reinforces the idea that the cot and room equals sleep/quiet time. Make the room as dark and quiet as possible, as it is at night. Request baby to go to sleep by going through your routine of laying him down and tucking him in; then come out of the room just as you did at night-time. If baby doesn’t settle, then go in quietly and Repeat by resettling. Come out again and Repeat for as long as is necessary. Investment of time now (as at night) will soon be well rewarded. Try not to pick up baby if he’s supposed to be settling in his cot. There will be plenty of other times during the day when you can pick him up, cuddle and play with him (as indeed you should), but if you want baby to go down for a nap, Reassure and resettle, then come out. It can be very confusing for a baby to be continuously picked up and put down; he or she will become unsettled by your mixed messages, and won’t know what you want. Request, Repeat and Reassure gives baby a clear message which he or she will soon follow.

If you establish the routine and ground rules right from the beginning, so that baby knows what to expect, your role as a parent will be that much easier as the child grows. Request, Repeat and Reassure equals security and routine for babies, and in due course well-adjusted, loving and respectful children who are a credit to your parenting.

Toddler and the terrible twos: 1–3

If you were surprised by just how much of a personality and mind of its own baby had in the first year, it’s nothing compared to what happens now. To your absolute delight, baby crawls, begins to talk, toddles and then walks confidently. He or she is now able to explore a whole new world, which had hitherto been out of reach. With this mobility come limitless possibilities and choices; and the toddler makes more demands, becomes increasingly assertive and challenges you.

Toddlers are inquisitive and naturally want to explore the world around them; they also want to take responsibility for their own lives – more so than they are capable of. They want to be liked, which is a great bonus for parents (and carers), as a young child can quickly learn that cooperation puts them in a favourable light and makes their parents happy. During these early years the child also imitates the behaviour of those around them – particularly those he or she spends most time with (parents and carers) – and uses their behaviour as a role model. This imitation is another bonus in socialising the child and achieving acceptable behaviour, but just as a young child imitates positive behaviour so he or she will also copy negative behaviour.

Dr Spock (a 1960s child psychologist) asserted that the key to a child’s good behaviour was positive guidance in a loving family. Agreed. But even in the most loving of families there will still be plenty of instances where a young child behaves unacceptably. Often this negative behaviour takes the parents by surprise, as it appears to have come from nowhere, and is not generic in the family’s behaviour. Outbursts of negative behaviour are a natural part of a young child’s development, as he or she begins to test the boundaries of their autonomy, but this unacceptable behaviour still needs addressing; otherwise it will develop and become the norm.

Terrible twos

The ‘terrible twos’ is a term which sums up the little individual who, having discovered his or her autonomy, has developed very strong views on many issues, and clearly believes he or she knows best. This stage can start before the child’s second birthday and extend long after, and is regarded by many parents as the most trying time in a child’s life. With the toddler’s liberation from the cot and pram he or she has gained a tremendous feeling of freedom: freedom to explore, make decisions and leave his or her mark on the world. And although this is a wondrous and amazing discovery for a very young child, it can also be very frightening if left unchecked.

Freedom is fantastic as long as it is controlled and moderated by someone who knows better than the child and has the child’s best interests at heart. This is the reason we, as parents, put in place boundaries that set limits on the freedom of behaviour, beyond which the child may not go. Boundaries of acceptable behaviour show the child how to behave and take his or her place in both the family and society at large. During the process of putting in place boundaries, the young child will be encouraged to do certain things and stopped from doing other things – by example, through verbal direction and ultimately by the parent’s action. If, as the parent, you Request your child to do something, or stop doing something negative, then you must see through your Request – Request, Repeat and Reassure, where Reassure becomes Reaffirm as you make the toddler do as you have asked.

My heart always goes out to the harassed mother in the supermarket who is trying to reason with her toddler to get into the pushchair, or return a packet of sweets to the shelves, and receiving in return absolutely no cooperation and instead a cute smile or a defiant ‘No. Won’t!’ Verbal persuasion is fine, and indeed it is an intrinsic part of the 3Rs, but this is the point where Request and Repeat becomes Reaffirm, and the result is achieved by gently but firmly making the child do as you have reasonably Requested, using physical means if necessary.

Smacking

I need to say at this point that I would never smack or physically punish a child in any way. It is illegal for childminders or foster carers to smack a child in their care, and to smack a child who is not your own could result in a prosecution for assault. It isn’t illegal in the UK for a parent to smack their child, as long it falls within ‘reasonable chastisement’ and the smack is not hard enough to leave a mark. However, smacking suggests a loss of control on the part of the parent and sets a bad example to the child. If you smack, your child is likely to follow your example; and the bottom line is that smacking is a form of abuse. You wouldn’t want your child smacking or hitting anyone else; indeed you would tell him or her off for doing so. It is worth noting that since Sweden banned smacking, child deaths at the hands of parents have fallen to nil; in Britain there are still more than one a week. Countless studies have shown that smacking is not a successful tool for managing a child’s behaviour and can leave psychological scars well into adulthood. It’s far better to apply positive guidance following the 3Rs approach, where your child does as you have asked without physical punishment.

Let’s take a closer look at how the 3Rs technique works in practice, using the example of the toddler who won’t get into its pushchair in the supermarket. This example is a good working model for all other behaviour where a toddler won’t do as requested.

First you Request the child to get into its pushchair, giving the reason – ‘Claire, get into your pushchair now, love. We need to go through the checkout.’ You say it kindly but firmly, and in an even voice. This is the voice of the parent who is in charge, and the voice that the child will be learning comes with a reasonable request. If your child refuses, you Repeat the Request more firmly – ‘Get into the pushchair now, please. We need to go through the checkout.’ If there is still no cooperation, then you Reaffirm by telling your child what you are going to do, i.e. what will happen if the child doesn’t do as you have asked, which in this case will be to put Claire into the pushchair.

You should always warn the child what you are going to do – i.e. what the consequences of their non-cooperation will be. This gives the child another opportunity to do as you have Requested (the final opportunity); also, when you see through your Request with physical action, it won’t startle or frighten the child. Suddenly picking up a fractious child and strapping him or her into the pushchair is likely to make them even more resistant (and fractious).

But don’t get into a debate about the whys and wherefores of what you have asked your child to do. Children of all ages can be very good at debating when they don’t want to comply, and a lengthy and heated discussion will only make you more frustrated and challenge your Request and authority. You can discuss the pros and cons of why you needed the child’s cooperation later, when the child has done as asked and is more open to reason. For now you have reasonably Requested your child to do something, giving the reason, and Repeated the request, and the child must do as he or she has been asked. You are the parent and you are in charge.

Do not back down. This is important: otherwise your Request will sound hollow next time. However, you can modify your Request if you think it is appropriate. For example, ‘Get into the pushchair now, Claire, and you can walk when we are out of the supermarket.’

So the final Request is made and the consequences for the child, if she doesn’t comply, stated – ‘Claire, get into your pushchair, now please. Otherwise I will have to put you in.’ You can now offer a reassuring and guiding hand, directing Claire into the pushchair. But if Claire is still refusing, then you gently but firmly lift her into the pushchair and fasten the safety harness. ‘Well done, Claire. You stay there.’

If you and Claire have had similar experiences before while shopping and you employed the 3Rs technique and saw through your Request, then there is less likelihood that Claire will make a scene – she will do as you have asked. Whatever the situation, each time you use the 3Rs the result will be achieved more quickly. The child learns that he or she might as well cooperate and receive your praise, as protest is pointless because he or she will be doing what you have asked anyway.

When the child does as you have asked, praise him or her; positive encouragement is essential for implementing and maintaining good behaviour. But don’t go over the top, particularly if the child has resisted – ‘Good girl’ or ‘Well done’ is sufficient.

Tantrums

If the child isn’t used to cooperating and you are now having to modify his or her behaviour, or if the child has decided that he or she is going to test the boundaries, be prepared for a scene. Tantrums are natural for this age group, and any parent who claims their child has never had a tantrum is lying. Don’t back down, no matter how bad the tantrum; see through your Request. It will be far easier next time – clear and consistent boundaries are crucial for developing good behaviour.

I know it’s embarrassing having a child screaming and shouting in a public place. Everyone looks at you with disapprobation; even other mothers take on a holier-than-thou expression, as though their little darlings would never be so wilful. Ignore them, or smile sweetly (through clenched teeth if necessary). You are in charge of your child, you are doing what is best for him or her and ultimately it’s nothing to do with the onlookers. I was once in a shop when an exasperated mother, struggling with her wilful child at the checkout, turned to the woman behind and hissed, ‘And what the hell are you looking at?’ Not very polite, but I could sympathise; every mother has felt like that at some time.

Regardless of how loud your child is yelling, or how much you wish the ground would open up and swallow you, it is essential you do not give in to the tantrum. By all means talk calmly to the child – communication is always important – and Repeat, Reassure and Reaffirm what you have asked for – ‘Claire, you are staying in the pushchair until we have left the supermarket.’

If Claire breaks free of the pushchair, then pick her up and put her in again. Reassure and Reaffirm – ‘You are staying in the pushchair until we leave the supermarket’ – for as many times as is needed and until you have left the supermarket. I know it’s hard work, but if the ground rules are put in place now it becomes a lot, lot easier when the child is older.

Rewards

You can add a reward for later, but don’t bribe: it weakens your position. Never say, ‘If you’re good, I’ll buy you some sweets,’ because I guarantee that the next time you go shopping the child’s behaviour will be even worse. Children are not daft, and if a tantrum brings sweets then a tantrum he or she will have. I have fostered children who have actually said, ‘If you don’t buy me that I’ll scream.’ Such blackmail is inappropriate control, and had I given in it would have been an open invitation for the child to behave the same way next time, probably upping the stakes with a bigger demand. What you can say, by way of a reward is, ‘Claire, you are staying in the pushchair until we leave the supermarket, and then we could go to the park.’ But only if going to the park fits in with your plans and you can keep your promise.