XII
Maxim was walking around the room. He was surprised that the ceiling is very low and he could almost touch it with the head. Everything surrounding him was sparkling and clear and it was necessary to close eyes tight from the bright light. He always dreamed to be like that – bright and pure, ideal and flawless. Max stopped, realizing, that he was that kind of person. He enjoyed the harmony in his soul and pictured the feelings of people to whom he was granting it. He wanted to share this valuable feeling with everyone. Max was not even depressed by the circumstance that everyone took as much as he could, and not as much as Max could give. He understood that with time any human being would try to do that. Unfortunately, not every person, but still many would enter his world that he tried to create under the will of the Father. He wanted to purify people spiritually and to show them how to live and love in a right way. There is no need to lock yourself in problems, following the path of mistakes and delusions. Young man was delighted by this spectacular feeling of spiritual strength, which was blinding even for him. This inner power fortified him more and more guided his actions by lightening his path. He was walking under that light, confident that he was involved in a very remarkable task. It didn’t matter much what he was doing; even when he ate or slept, he was still loyal to righteousness and love. Sometimes, when he experienced moments of despair, this strength was carrying him away to other places or was creating other conditions, more often very complex ones. Max felt that the set task was impracticable; but he still applied his efforts to solve it, overwhelming himself with the unrealistic burden. When the task was successfully completed it was clear for him, that it was only preparation for something truly meaningful. When he looked at his life from various angles, he saw and felt everyone and everything surrounding him, and knew the possible outcomes of different situations and reasons for these outcomes.
Maxim stood still, closing eyes tight from the bright light, and was looking for a way to solve today’s problem. Like always, at first he needs to understand the situation himself: think it over, take a right decision, and then act! His actions, reaching the border of unreality, were so complicated that it was not possible to predetermine his role in their accomplishment. Suddenly Max suspected, that the answer to his question was somewhere very near, and he would need to think all of his deeds at the very last minute. This moment is more significant then long and intensive labor. Maxim heard even and rhythmical sound and thought that it was his heartbeat. However, it was a knock on the door.
He started to walk around his apartment, trying to find the door through the bright light, but it was hard to determine where it was. Walking through the whole place he didn’t know whether he should be surprised or not: door seemed to be absent. “How did I enter this place then? – Maxim thought. – Interesting, how am I going to get out of here?” He was at the spot where he had started examination, right in the center of this mysterious place, attentively listening to every sound. Only after some time he realized that the noise was coming somewhere from above. Max closed his eyes and started to raise his head slowly, but nothing could be seen. He opened his eyes and bright light blinded him…
Max could not open his eyes but he knew that he was on the couch. He sat down, hitting his leg, covered in gypsum. He saw the New Year tree again and understood that he was sleeping at home. Door bell was ringing and it became clear how the noise in his dream appeared. Maxim stood up from the couch and went to open the door, leaning on the crutch and trying to understand, why in his dream he didn’t have the gypsum.
– Come in. What time it is, Roman?
– I think it is 2 am. I have been ringing the bell for the past half hour, and left my place around 1 am.
– My relatives went out and I fell asleep. Sorry I didn’t get the door right away.
– That’s all right. I wish you a Happy New Year, Max. Get well soon, be happy, healthy and meet a great love.
– Thank You Roman, you are a great friend. I congratulate you from my heart as well and wish your star to shine bright, especially at the important moment.
– I wanted us to spend this New Year together. We had guests over, and my parents didn’t let me out earlier.
– Come in, take your jacket off. Let’s go to the living room.
Max limped to the couch and took a look at the festive table, realizing, that he should eat something. At that time Roman was brining plates, wine glasses, forks and a bottle screw.
– Max, what do you have to drink? Have you got champagne?
– I don’t like it much.
– Let’s get wine then.
– Get some from the bar, – Maxim said, filling up plates with salads, potatoes, chicken and pickles from the bottle.
– What wine would you like to drink? – asked Roman, examining the bar.
Then someone rang the door bell.
– Roman, please get the door, it will take me forever to get there…
Roman left the living room and Max thought about his teacher again and about his dream: "Probably this dream was meant to show me that I need to determine everything myself and take a decision. I need to think more instead of looking for the answer in dreams.".
– Hey, why are you so sad?
The guy who came in had a nickname Redhead Romka. When he came in his laughter entertained Max, so in the moment they were laughing together. Romka’s freckles made Maxim laugh even more, then the lovely color of his hair.
– Great, – said Maxim after calming down. – I’ll be celebrating New Year in the company of two Romans. We got a wonderful male company.
– I brought the wine “Monastery house”. Have you got the bottle screw?
– Roman, I thought you brought it here?
– I don’t remember where I put it down. Is it on the table? – Roman was surprised.
– No, – Max replied. – Bring something from the tools. Let’s invent the bike.
“Monastery house” was over. Redhead Romka left. The other Roman was drunk and left too, leaving Max alone. Wine woke up his appetite. After turning on the TV, Max had a long dinner, listening to various rubbish programs and re-laying his leg from one position to another. He finished a meal, turned off the television, turned on the New Year tree and lied down on the couch to regain strength. He didn’t want to sleep anymore or do anything else: holiday spirit was gone. It left so suddenly, that Max was not ready for it. "Nothing changed, – he thought, – I am still not ready for the situation! May be I am ready, but some strange uncertainty is obstructing me from feeling ready or being confident in success. I should not go with the tide; I need to take part in what is going on in my life. I need to make a contribution…"
Max was glad that his friends did not forget about him at the difficult moment of life and came to congratulate him. It does not matter that they did not stay long, what really matters is the sign of attention, showing that he is needed. May be it means that when we need a person, we lack something that that person has. Max knew that this specific factor connects people, provokes feelings in them. Then, when two completely different people learn something from each other or reach inner harmony, the most important moment takes place. One of them needs to take a decision weather there is a reason for further communication. More often, the answer to that question is negative, so the other person has nothing left rather then to agree to that decision. Yes, it is hard to say good-bye, but it is necessary. Both people understand it deep inside the soul and even regret break-ups, but they keep on saying at the end: "This was meant to be".
One question always tortured Max: when the person is acting unconsciously and goes with the tide, understanding the essence of his actions only after a period of time, is that his strength or his weakness? Only during the life span a person has a chance to perceive his actions fully, even when they repeat constantly and create a certain system. At that specific time a person can see the situation clearly, return to the past, put together all opportunities and take a decision. But at the same time there is a doubt… The system seems to control a person when he can’t even understand, weather he created it, or just lives under its control? Maxim did not know if it was strength or weakness. May be it was something else, different from those concepts?
XIII
Svetlana was still very weak but she decided to go outside: it was necessary to go to the store to get some food. She was getting ready for a long time, listening to her husband’s objections, but she was tired of staying at home. It was not difficult to get down the steps, but the head was spinning a little. “Probably it is from overworking, – she thought. Walking down the street, Svetlana felt totally different from the change of the environment: much more peaceful and free. She stopped near her porch, breathing slowly, getting used to the cold air and calming down the dizziness. It was strange to look at the surrounding and see the road, benches, trees, blue sky and clear white snow, which was still everywhere and crunched under feet. Svetlana was totally calm. Before, when she did not like someone’s actions, words, or even the weather, she felt frustrated and was loosing control. Nothing seemed to go right so she started to raise voice and yell. She suffered from that, not understanding what is wrong with her. These negative emotions, anxiety, and inner suffering combine together, growing stronger with every new incident. There is no energy for fighting them and no way to change the situation. Svetlana used to get intimidated and say: "This is it! I can’t live like that any more!" No one could hear her words and help her. She could not help herself either, or may be simply did not want to do it. She agreed to that and decided that things would never change at that moment, standing near a porch, Svetlana thought that her problems were insignificant, even though not long ago they meant a world to her. It was clear to her that all sufferings, disappointing her so much, were taking place because of her own insecurity. Instead of telling her husband about her wish to have another child and spending ten minutes for this conversation, she spent ten years for torturing herself! Every moment, remembering her wish, she suffered and blamed her husband. Emotions were raging so much, that it was hard to stay still and be in control.
Only Maxim’s love created some relief. However, the more she was falling in love with him, the more she realized that they could not be together. He will leave her life forever very soon. This thought created a strange impact on her: all the feelings that she had started to grow stronger. At those moments it seemed that she was constantly under control of different emotions and her behaviour was changing every ten minutes. That was really strange and she did not know what to think of that. What she saw and observed made her think, that may be she was not just concerned with something. May be she was mentally ill. That was a very scary idea. It was clear that all the disturbing events combined, and their strength reached the highest level. It could not continue like that any more. Some force, invisible and unknown, opposed to the situation. Could the car accident happen because of that and take the dream away? Svetlana realized at that moment how many things in life she was missing. Instead of setting herself free from the chains she created with her own hands, she could not find strength to be in control. Yes, she was wrong, but that does not mean she can leave her mistake without attention. Is that love that is giving her the answers? Is it love that is giving her direction? Svetlana answered that question rather univocally: «No»! However, it seemed that it was love that was giving her the power. Could it be that someone that you adore actually does not care for you much? In this case the feeling is leaving to nowhere, instead of coming back one hundred times stronger. That means… She did not want to make any conclusions. Yes, she felt something, but could it be what she was thinking of, if it brought only misery and pain? At that moment, analyzing the situation, Svetlana finished the phrase with difficulty: «Maxim… loves… me».
That was the first time when she could speak it out openly, not acting against conscience. Now it is necessary to get used to this thought in heart, enjoy it every moment that she has. She should not push the love away, being scared of the wrench of saying goodbye, heartache or publicity. When the person is in love, if he does not reveal the feelings to others, sooner or later it will become obvious anyhow. So what is the reason for all these fears?
Slowly and carefully Svetlana stepped on the clear white snow which fell out at night or at the early morning. Seeing its purity, she understood that from that time on her soul would also be clean and white. Everything which tortured her had left beyond retrieve. Every following step will leave unforgettable trait in her soul, like on the snow, and it won’t be possible to correct it. This thought made her stop, look back and count the steps. She saw twelve. «That is so strange, why there are twelve steps? Is that a sign»? – Svetlana thought and unconsciously made another step. Thirteen! She was petrified: twelve could mean another year! Thirteen – one more month after the car accident. God! It has been exactly one month! That means, that something will happen in exactly one year and one month…” Analyzing this, Svetlana almost reached the store, greeting people she knew along the way. They were stopping, trying to talk to her, but she kept on walking. Svetlana tried not to think of what could happen after a year. She had a good premonition, so she decided to get ready for the positive event, live a new life, enjoying love which warmed her up and gave her strength to change a world around. Svetlana let her thoughts go, making a decision to stay in the world of her fantasies in order to understand herself better. She should have the opportunity to help people around her. That means, she needs to live in two worlds at the same time. “Svetlana, you should not be surprised!” – She said to herself, opening the doors of the store. Then she ran into the man so unexpectedly, that he even dropped his bag. Instead of getting angry, she apologized:
– I am so sorry! I was all in my world!
– No, it is me who needs to apologize! – Svetlana was surprised.
He picked up the products which he dropped, and then dropped them one more time.
– It is so uncomfortable… I would have helped you, but I am not supposed to bend.
– What happened? Unless it is a secret, of course.
– It’s one month since I had a surgery.
– Oh, I suppose you should not be lifting anything heavy. I assume to come to the store to get food?
– Yes, you are correct.
– Since we have met, let me help you to bring them home. Do me a favor and let me give you assistance.
Svetlana said herself again: “Don’t be surprised!” She did not know why she answered:
I would be delighted to accept your offer, but you have enough things to carry yourself. Plus, I am sure you are being waited for at home.
The man started to think, and she noticed that when he suggested help he did not even ask her name.
I got an idea! You can wait for me for about ten minutes, I will bring the groceries home. Then we can shop for what you need and I’ll help you to bring your bags home, ok?
Listening to him, Svetlana did not even know what do say. She became confused, astonished by such attention and care from the stranger. Svetlana made a conclusion, that he is a regular person, just like everyone else; she just never noticed anything before. “May be all people are attentive and caring? Or may be some of them? – Svetlana thought. – All these years I did not see the care. I am not used to such treatment. And now it happened to me".
– Ok, I’ go. Please wait for me, ok?
He walked away fast, and Svetlana thought, looking at him “What if he does not come back?!”. Then the stranger turned around the corner, everything inside went down. She could not understand what was wrong with her again. She was worried, as if she had lost something very precious. To stop anxiety, which overwhelmed her so suddenly, Svetlana caught breath, stood still for some time and entered the store. She looked at the shelves with devastation and was making purchases. She realized that she got two bags of groceries. How is she going to bring them home if she does not get help? Fifteen minutes had passed, but the man was absent. Svetlana left the store and was walking slowly and carefully towards her house. She felt someone touching her elbow and she stopped.
– I got here, and you are leaving.
– Oh, I thought that you changed your mind about coming to help.
– No, no! How could I promise something to such a woman and then not keep a promise?! It is not what a real man would do!
The expression “real man” was frustrating to Svetlana. It seemed that men say it to women to show that women are incapable of doing things; that men can do everything, and women – nothing. She decided that if the person was underestimated he would have a lot of achievements in life. This is where the strength is! If the person disappoints oneself and other people it is something very bad, even dumb to do to yourself.
– What do you mean by a “real man?” – she still asked.
– If you promised something, keep your word; if you can’t make it, don’t give promises. This expression is applicable to women too, but traditionally it goes with the word “man”. The question who is the man and who is the woman comes up automatically, as well as what is the difference between these words. The answer is not complicated here either.
– So how should the women express themselves? Should we admit our weakness? Cry constantly and ask for help? Not know how to survive without a man?
– You got it all wrong. Every man is trying to make a woman strong and independent. He wants her to be a proud personality, not a weak and helpless one. Some men don’t even have it themselves – they are weak spiritually and welter in vice.
– So what is love then? – Svetlana asked near the porch, not being able to keep this question inside.
– Probably, no one can answer that question. I believe that it is the most wonderful and superior feeling. You are free from all chains and reaching perfection. You can feel people from the inside, see them through and know what worries them, what tortures them, creates an obstacle to reach this light sensation. At that moment you can give them what they need, and it is absolutely unimportant what it is. That is done to set them free and let them find the path to the light you have. Tortures and concerns will be gone; they will be positive that they are on the right path. When the person enters this road, everything is clear and transparent, and he will be able to help others with confidence. Such person feels himself perfect, mostly spiritually, of course, but still keeps asking the same question: “What is love?” However, at this point it is difficult to determine why he is asking it. Either he did not understand that feeling completely, or it passed him by unnoticed.
XIV
Only one week is left before the gypsum will be taken off. Max felt himself much better: he started to read more and studied even more then it was required from the school program… However, he was still weak, so he decided to follow a day regime: go to bed at ten pm and wake up at eight am. Sitting on the bed, he completed exercises, then he took his crutch and limped to the tourniquet. Only after a week of intensive work-out he could chin up five times and do ten push ups. Even thought the head was spinning, he kept of working, squeezing teeth and overcoming weakness and pain. Yes, it was very challenging; he had to have rest each time for about an hour, so he was taking a nap. Maxim was also reading a lot, not letting tiredness win him over. All that was draining him out but he felt how energy was coming back. He is getting stronger with each day and thoughts become clearer. Max realized that independent study brings a much better result. He can achieve his small, but very difficult goal without any assistance. Then he was making another goal, more complicated one, and everything started all over again. Task was time-consuming and laborious, hard, but necessary, and most importantly – giving a result. Maxim’s main goal was to have a result. At first a result could be small, but very soon it will let him achieve a long hoped aim. Working on yourself, Maxim understood that he is getting stronger physically, mentally and spiritually. Every time when he had a little victory, he understood better what was possible for him to do. He did what he could do, and leaned to do what he couldn’t, and as a result it was also done. He started to believe in himself. Plans broadened and became more complex, faith in his abilities grew stronger. He knew that he could achieve much better then he thought previously.
Max accessed the problem of love closer and started to feel it deeper, seeing its purity and chastity. He realized that he lacked knowledge in psychology, parapsychology and even psychotherapy. He was planning to study these subjects in order to determine how the human being is being affected by emotions and what causes emotions. How are words and actions connected with emotions? How can a person control feelings and emotions, how can he affect people with them invisibly? There was one question that had Maxim’s priority interest: how to control person’s feelings let them grow to the maximum and tightly reach a person’s problem, like the heart? To feel the essence of the loved woman: her breath, her heart beat, her actions, thoughts, words – absolutely everything! He wanted to perceive a psychological problem by himself and to take a decision, when, where and under which circumstances it is necessary to act to eliminate that problem and let love move to the right direction.
Every day and every hour made it more clearly for Max that he needed to have a child from the woman he loved. It is necessary to concentrate all strength of their love in one moment, all strength of Svetlana’s previous pain for creating a strong psychological pressure on her. Everything that bothered her for ten years and lead to the car acceded, everything that became an obstacle for achievement of her dream. Maxim was tortured by the thought that Svetlana became reconciled with inevitability and was making the goal even more difficult to achieve. He was looking for a connection between him and Svetlana, and the only thing that he could find was love. Max understood that his feelings consolidated in him long time ago, and it is getting stronger and more spiritual. That means that with assistance of that power it is possible to reach even the most impossible! He has been wondering many times about the reasons why Svetlana loves him. When he started to study psychology he realized, that she saw purity and chastity in him, just like he saw it at the New Year night. That means that she already loves him greatly. The main questing is how to control the situation and create conditions much stronger then a car accident?
Maxim moved abruptly and got burned with hot tea again, but did not even feel the pain. His heart contracted. He stopped breathing and held to the wall to get himself together. He thought that his heart would jump out of the chest after he had realized what he needed to do. All of the sudden his tired brain produced the answer to the most difficult question! These thoughts were a result of the long and laborious mental work. They were supposed to calm him down; however, they almost made him loose consciousness. After catching up breath, Max covered his face with hands and could not believe in what he would have to do. He should be able to realize it right away! He needs to become a better person. Svetlana needs to see his best qualities to believe in their feelings and become completely dissolved in it! This should be her life credo. She won’t be able to live without it. Svetlana needs to reach apogee of her feelings with his help, while Maxim needs to destroy the strength of all efforts, feelings and everything else in one moment. Specifically, in one moment! On top of that, this moment must affect Svetlana psychologically more, then the car accident did. In this case, she will be able to have a child from her husband, and her love won’t be gone like her dream to have a baby and happiness once did. It is necessary to guide love in the necessary direction, so that Svetlana would love her husband, her son and a future baby! It’s not important, weather it will be a boy or a girl. It is necessary for everything to go according to the plan. After this important moment, which holds the essence of the plan, Max must disappear from her life, but where and how he does not know yet. Love will fade with time. If he does not disappear right away, then all his efforts would turn into the waste of time: there won’t be a baby and happiness! Maxim was analyzing his new role. He was not surprised that thoughts were flying in his head very fast. This is why he understood that he had very little time for his plan. To disappear does not mean to leave. It means to set yourself free from love to Svetlana; not now, and not later, but at the time of the important moment.
How to let his love go? A tear ran down Max’s cheek, but he wiped it off and said seriously: “You are responsible for a very valuable task. I must do what I have to, and not what I want to! Think, think one more time and don’t nag!” He realized that he would have to make sacrifices. He needs to let his love go; no matter how hard it is to do; it must be done. Getting all the remaining energies, Maxim made the last decision: “I will give you everything that I have, Svetlana. Let the God help you to accept my love and do the right things with it. Don’t carry this burden, give it to your husband-you love him too. He will love you even more after that. Then you will have the complete and real harmony of love in all of its forms and will forget me in one moment. That will be a reward for my efforts and the motivation for new accomplishments…”
Max started to have thoughts that it is necessary to complicate his task Why? He always had the same answer to this question: “Then it will be easier to understand the responsibility and unreality of the assignment”. Many people thought that his answer was a joke; the others simply did not understand him. However, it did not affect Max, his decisions, and obviously not his actions. He could always achieve the necessary result, adding something else to the main goal. When he realized his goal completely, he felt sad. Max did not want to disappear and turn into the myth… He decided to spend one year for his mission. Then he would transfer to a different, unfamiliar school to let Svetlana and every one know his intentions. He wanted everyone to understand his courage and what it his decision costed him. He wanted the whole world to realize something new: a border between realistic and impossible, unmanageable and tangible. That a fifteen-year-old boy could create unachievable: ideal family, a baby and unlimited happiness. The cost is giving his life as a sacrifice and rejecting love and everything what is connected with it. He will grant love and family happiness, exterminate all problems and severities. He will open people’s eyes to see the real world, so that they could enjoy happy moments without thinking negatively. Max made a decision that he will do everything possible in order for the plan to work ideally. He will do something that people dream to accomplish, but make mistakes and choose wrong paths. They befoul themselves and can’t reach virginal purity, get confused by their own words, thoughts and actions. People forget verity, hide from it, don’t trust each other, suspect, envy, get jealous – do things that don’t worth the time. When the grandiose bestowal of love and family happiness stay and knock on the door, they hide away in horror. More then likely, people are afraid to experience this unexceptionable feeling because it will make them feel so feeble and worthless, that this feeling will destroy their world.
It was extremely difficult for Maxim to realize that for the happiness of other people he needs to make sacrifices. Even the thought to decline the plan passed his mind. However, Max was not used to be weak. Moreover, how can the happiness of his beloved woman and her family compare to the pathetic pity for himself? There is nothing to think about! On top of that he understood that he will only feel fortunate when Svetlana finds her family happiness with his help. Her baby will be born from his psychological efforts and not from the physical love. Of course, Maxim did not deny this love and thought that other people can misunderstand and besmirch his mission with malign thoughts. However, later, when the result will be obvious people will understand that they were wrong. They will writhe with shame and would not know what to do before Maxim forgives them. Then everyone will say: “Forgive me God!” and everyone will repent. Everyone.
“So, – Maxim said to himself, – mission is possible! Good luck! God, bless my way of truth and light! Act through me, since I am your bondman on earth. I’ll come to you through your Son, pure and chaste. I’ll be faithful to your words. So let it happen!”