Then she went away, leaving me to my own reflections. Not a word of sympathy or encouragement, not a pat on my shoulder as she passed me, nor a kindly glance out of her hard eyes. But at the time I scarcely noticed this. My mind was still full of not unpleasant excitement, though I was beginning to feel tired and certainly very confused and bewildered.
I sat down for a moment on the edge of my little bed when Miss Aspinall left me, without hastening to take off my coat and bonnet. We wore bonnets mostly in those days, though hats were beginning to come into fashion for young girls.
"I wish there were only two beds, not three," I said to myself. "And I would like the little girl with the rosy face to sleep in my room. I wonder if she's Miss Smith perhaps. I wonder if there's several little girls as little as me. I'd like to know all their names, so as to write and tell them to mamma and Haddie."
The inclination to cry had left me – fortunately in some ways, though perhaps if I had made my début in the schoolroom looking very woe-begone and tearful I should have made a better impression. My future companions would have felt sorry for me. As it was, when I had taken off my things I made my way downstairs as I had been directed, and opening the schoolroom door – I remember wondering to myself what second class schoolroom could mean: would it have long seats all round, something like a second-class railway carriage? – walked in coolly enough.
The room felt airless and close, though it was a cold day. And at the first glance it seemed to me perfectly full of people – girls – women indeed in my eyes many of them were, they were so much bigger and older than I – in every direction, more than I could count. And the hum of voices was very confusing, the hums I should say, for there were two or three different sets of reading aloud, or lessons repeating, going on at once.
I stood just inside the door. Two or three heads were turned in my direction at the sound I made in opening it, but quickly bent over their books again, and for some moments no one paid any attention to me. Then suddenly a governess happened to catch sight of me. It was the same sweet-faced girl whom mamma had noticed at the end of the long file in the street.
She looked at me once, then seemed at a loss, then she looked at me again, and at last said something to the girl beside her, and getting up from her seat went to the end of the room, and spoke to a small elderly woman in a brown stuff dress, who was evidently another governess.
This person – I suppose I should say lady – turned round and stared at me. Then she said something to the younger governess, nothing very pleasant, I fancy, for the sweet-looking one – I had better call her by her name, which was Miss Fenmore – went back to her place with a heightened colour.
You may ask how I can remember all these little particulars so exactly. Perhaps I do not quite do so, but still, all that happened just then made a very strong impression on me, and I have thought it over so much and so often, especially since I have had children of my own, that it is difficult to tell quite precisely how much is real memory, how much the after knowledge of how things must have been, to influence myself and others as they did. And later, too, I talked them over with those who were older than I at the time, and could understand more.
So there I stood, a very perplexed little person, though still more perplexed than distressed or disappointed, by the door. Now and then some head was turned to look at me with a sort of stealthy curiosity, but there was no kindness in any of the glances, and the young governess kept her eyes turned away. I was not a pretty child. My hair was straight and not noticeable in any way, and it was tightly plaited, as was the fashion, unless a child's hair was thick enough to make pretty ringlets. My face was rather thin and pale, and there was nothing of dimpling childish loveliness about me. I was rather near-sighted too, and I daresay that often gave me a worried, perhaps a fretful expression.
After all, I did not have to wait very long. The elderly governess finished the page she was reading aloud – she may have been dictating to her pupils, I cannot say – and came towards me.
"Did Miss Aspinall send you here?" she said abruptly.
I looked up at her. She seemed to me no better than our cook, and not half so good-natured.
"Yes," I said.
"Yes," she repeated, as if she was very shocked. "Yes who, if you please? Yes, Miss – ?"
"Yes, Miss," I said in a matter-of-fact way.
"What manners! Fie!" said Miss – ; afterwards I found her name was Broom. "I think indeed it was quite time for you to come to school. If you cannot say my name, you can at least say ma'am."
I stared up at her. I think my trick of staring must have been rather provoking, and perhaps even must have seemed rude, though it arose entirely from my not understanding.
"I don't know your name, Miss – ma'am," I said. I spoke clearly. I was not frightened. And a titter went round the forms. Miss Broom was angry at being put in the wrong.
"Miss Aspinall sent you to my class, Miss Broom's class," she said.
"No, ma'am – Miss Broom – she didn't."
The governess thought I meant to be impertinent – impertinent, poor me!
And with no very gentle hand, she half led, half pushed me towards her end of the room, where there was a vacant place on one of the forms.
"Silence, young ladies," she said, for some whispering was taking place. "Go on with your copying out."
And then she turned to me with a book.
"Let me hear how you can read," she said.
CHAPTER VI
A NEW WORLD
I could read aloud well, unusually well, I think, for mamma had taken great pains with my pronunciation. She was especially anxious that both Haddie and I should speak well, and not catch the Great Mexington accent, which was both peculiar and ugly.
But the book which Miss Broom had put before me was hardly a fair test. I don't remember what it was – some very dry history, I think, bristling with long words, and in very small print. I did not take in the sense of what I was reading in the very least, and so, of course, I read badly, tumbling over the long words, and putting no intelligence into my tone. I think, too, my teacher was annoyed at the purity of my accent, for no one could possibly have mistaken her for anything but what she was – a native of Middleshire. She corrected me once or twice, then shut the book impatiently.
"Very bad," she said, "very bad indeed for eleven years old."
"I am not eleven, Miss Broom," I said. "I am only nine past."
"Little girls must not contradict, and must not be rude," was the reply.
What had I said that could be called rude? I tried to think, thereby bringing on myself a reprimand for inattention, which did not have the effect of brightening my wits, I fear.
I think I was put through a sort of examination as to all my acquirements. I know I came out of it very badly, for Miss Broom pronounced me so backward that there was no class, not even the youngest, in the school, which I was really fit for. There was nothing for it, however, but to put me into this lowest class, and she said I must do extra work in play hours to make up to my companions.
Even my French, which I now know must have been good, was found fault with by Miss Broom, who said my accent was extraordinary. And certainly, if hers was Parisian, mine must have been worse than that of Stratford-le-Bow!
Still, I was not unhappy. I thought it must be always like that at school, and I said to myself I really would work hard to make up to the others, who were so much, much cleverer than I. And I sat contentedly enough in my place, doing my best to learn a page of English grammar by heart, from time to time peeping round the table, till, to my great satisfaction and delight, I caught sight of the rosy-cheeked damsel at the farther end of the table.
I was so pleased that I wonder I did not jump up from my place and run round to speak to her, forgetful that though I had thought so much of her, she had probably never noticed me at all the only other time of our meeting, or rather passing each other.
But I felt Miss Broom's eye upon me, and sat still. I acquitted myself pretty fairly of my page of grammar, leading to the dry remark from the governess that it was plain I "could learn if I chose." As this was the first thing I had been given to learn, the implied reproach was not exactly called for. But none of Miss Broom's speeches were remarkable for being appropriate. They depended much more on the mood she happened to be in herself than upon anything else.
I can clearly remember most of that day. I have a vision of a long dining-table, long at least it seemed to me, and a plateful of roast mutton and potatoes which I could not manage to finish, followed by rice pudding with which I succeeded better, though I was not the least hungry. Miss Aspinall was at one end of the table, Miss Broom at the other, and Miss Fenmore, who seemed always to be jumping up to ring the bell or hand the governesses something or other that had been forgotten by the servant, sat somewhere in the middle.
No one spoke unless spoken to by one of the teachers. Miss Aspinall shot out little remarks from time to time about the weather, and replied graciously enough to one or two of the older girls who ventured to ask if Miss Ledbury's cold, or headache, was better.
Then came the grace, followed by a shoving back of forms, and a march in order of age, or place in class rather, to the door, and thence down the passage to what was called the big schoolroom – a room on the ground floor, placed where by rights the kitchen should have been, I fancy. It was the only large room in the house, and I think it must have been built out beyond the original walls on purpose.
And then – there re-echo on my ears even now the sudden bursting out of noise, the loosening of a score and a half of tongues, girls' tongues too, forcibly restrained since the morning. For this was the recreation hour, and on a wet day, to make up for not going a walk, the "young ladies" were allowed from two to three to chatter as much as they liked – in English instead of in the fearful and wonderful jargon yclept "French."
I stood in a corner by myself, staring, no doubt. I felt profoundly interested. This was a little more like what I had pictured to myself, though I had not imagined it would be quite so noisy and bewildering. But some of the girls seemed very merry, and their laughter and chatter fascinated me – if only I were one of them, able to laugh and chatter too! Should I ever be admitted to share their fun?
The elder girls did not interest me. They seemed to me quite grown-up. Yet it was from their ranks that came the first token of interest in me – of notice that I was there at all.
"What's your name?" said a tall thin girl with fair curls, which one could see she was very proud of. She was considered a beauty in the school. She was silly, but very good-natured. She spoke with a sort of lisp, and very slowly, so her question did not strike me as rude. Nor was it meant to be so. It was a mixture of curiosity and amiability.
"My name," I repeated, rather stupidly. I was startled by being spoken to.
"Yes, your name. Didn't Miss Lardner say what's your name? Dear me – don't stand gaping there like a monkey on a barrel-organ," said another girl.
By this time a little group had gathered round me. The girls composing it all laughed, and though it does not sound very witty – to begin with, I never heard of a monkey "gaping" – I have often thought since that there was some excuse for the laughter. I was small and thin, and I had a trick of screwing up my eyes which made them look smaller than they really were. And my frock was crimson merino with several rows of black velvet above the hem of the skirt.
I was not offended. But I did not laugh. The girl who had spoken last was something of a tomboy, and looked upon also as a wit. Her name was Josephine Mellor, and her intimate friends called her Joe. She had very fuzzy red hair, and rather good brown eyes.
"I say," she went on again, "what is your name? And are you going to stay to dinner every day, or only when it rains, like Lizzie Burt?"
Who was Lizzie Burt? That question nearly set my ideas adrift again. But the consciousness of my superior position fortunately kept me to the point.
"I am going to be at dinner always," I said proudly. "I am a boarder."
The girls drew a little nearer, with evidently increased interest.
"A boarder," repeated Josephine. "Then Harriet Smith'll have to give up being baby. You're ever so much younger than her, I'm sure."
"What are you saying about me?" said Harriet, who had caught the sound of her own name, as one often does.
"Only that that pretty snub nose of yours is going to be put out of joint," said Miss Mellor mischievously.
Harriet came rushing forward. She was my rosy-cheeked girl! Her face was redder than usual. I felt very vexed with Miss Mellor, even though I did not quite understand her.
"What are you saying?" the child called out. "I'm not going to have any of your teasing, Joe."
"It's not teasing – it's truth," said the elder girl. "You're not the baby any more. She," and she pointed to me, "she's younger than you."
"How old are you?" said Harriet roughly.
"Nine past," I said. "Nine and a half."
"Hurrah! Hurrah!" shouted Harriet. "I'm only nine and a month. I'm still the baby, Miss Joe."
She was half a head at least taller than I, and broad in proportion.
"What a mite you are, to be sure," said Miss Mellor, "nine and a half and no bigger than that."
I felt myself getting red. I think one or two of the girls must have had perception enough to feel a little sorry for me, for one of them – I fancy it was Miss Lardner – said in a good-natured patronising way,
"You haven't told us your name yet, after all."
"It's Geraldine," I said. "That's my first name, and I'm always called it."
"Geraldine what?" said the red-haired girl.
"Geraldine Theresa Le Marchant – that's all my names."
"My goodness," said Miss Mellor, "how grand we are! Great Mexington's growing quite aristocratic. I didn't know monkeys had such fine names."
Some of the girls laughed, some, I think, thought her as silly as she was.
"Where do you come from?" was the next question.
"Come from?" I repeated. "I don't know."
At this they all did laugh, and I suppose it was only natural. Suddenly Harriet Smith made a sort of dash at me.
"Oh, I say," she exclaimed. "I know. She's going to sleep in our room. I saw them putting sheets on the bed in the corner, but Jane wouldn't tell me who they were for. Emma," she called out loudly to a girl of fourteen or fifteen, "Emma, I say, she's going to sleep in our room I'm sure."
Emma Smith was taller and thinner and paler than her sister, but still they were rather like. Perhaps it was for that very reason that they got on so badly – they might have been better friends if they had been more unlike. As it was, they quarrelled constantly, and I must say it was generally Harriet's fault. She was very spoilt, but she had something hearty and merry about her, and so had Emma. They were the daughters of a rich Great Mexington manufacturer, and they had no mother. They were favourites in the school, partly I suspect because they had lots of pocket money, and used to invite their companions to parties in the holidays. But they were not mean or insincere, though rough and noisy – more like boys than girls.
Emma came bouncing forward.
"I say," she began to me, "if it's true you're to sleep in our room I hope you understand you must do what I tell you. I'm the eldest. You're not to back up Harriet to disobey me."
"No," I said. "I don't want to do anything like that."
"Well, then," said Harriet, "you'll be Emma's friend, not mine."
My face fell, and I suppose Harriet saw it. She came closer to me and looked at me well, as if expecting me to answer. But for the first time since I had been in my new surroundings I felt more than bewildered – I felt frightened and lonely, terribly lonely.
"Oh, mamma," I thought to myself, "I wish I could see you to tell you about it. It isn't a bit like what I thought it would be."
But I said nothing aloud. I think now that if I had burst out crying it would have been better for me, but I had very little power of expressing myself, and Haddie had instilled into me a great horror of being a cry-baby at school.
In their rough way, however, several of the girls were kind-hearted, the two Smiths perhaps as much so as any. Harriet came close up to me.
"I'm only in fun," she said; "of course we'll be friends. I'll tell you how we'll do," and she put her fat little arm round me in a protecting way which I much appreciated. "Come over here," she went on in a lower voice, "where none of the big ones can hear what we say," and she drew me, nothing loth, to the opposite corner of the room.
As we passed through the group of older girls standing about, one or two fragments of their talk reached my ears.
"Yes – I'm sure it's the same. He's a bank clerk, I think. I've heard papa speak of them. They're awfully poor – come-down-in-the-world sort of people."
"Oh, then, I expect when she's old enough she'll be a governess – perhaps she'll be a sort of teacher here to begin with."
Then followed some remark about looking far ahead, and a laugh at the idea of "the monkey" ever developing into a governess.
But after my usual fashion it was not till I thought it over afterwards that I understood that it was I and my father they had been discussing. In the meantime I was enjoying a confidential talk with Harriet Smith – that is to say, I was listening to all she said to me; she did not seem to expect me to say much in reply.
I felt flattered by her condescension, but I did not in my heart feel much interest in her communications. They were mostly about Emma – how she tried to bully her, Harriet, because she herself was five years older, and how the younger girl did not intend to stand it much longer. Emma was as bad as a boy.
"As bad as a boy," I repeated. "I don't know what you mean."
"That's because you've not got a brother, I suppose," said Harriet. "Our brother's a perfect nuisance. He's so spoilt – papa lets him do just as he likes. Emma and I hate the holidays because of him being at home. But it's the worst for me, you see. Emma hates Fred bullying her, so she might know I hate her bullying me."
This was all very astonishing to me.
"I have a brother," I said after a moment or two's reflection.
"Then you know what it is. Why didn't you say so?" asked Harriet.
"Because I don't know what it is. Haddie never teases me. I love being with him."
"My goodness! Then you're not like most," said Harriet elegantly, opening her eyes.
She asked me some questions after this – as to where we lived, how many servants we had, and so on. Some I answered – some I could not, as I was by no means as worldly-wise as this precocious young person.
She gave me a great deal of information about school – she hated the governesses, except the old lady, and she didn't care about her much. Miss Broom was her special dislike. But she liked school very well, she'd been there a year now, and before that she had a daily governess at home, and it was very dull indeed. What had I done till now – had I had a governess?
"Oh no," I said. "I had mamma."
"Was she good to you," asked my new friend, "or was she very strict?"
I stared at Harriet. Mamma was strict, but she was very, very good to me. I said so.
"Then why are you a boarder?" she asked. "We've not got a mamma, but even if we had I'm sure she wouldn't teach us herself. I suppose your mamma isn't rich enough to pay for a governess for you."
"I don't know," I said simply. I had never thought in this way of mamma's teaching me, but I was not at all offended. "I don't think any governess would be as nice as mamma."
"Then why have you come to school?" inquired Harriet.
"Because" – "because father and mamma have to go away," I was going to say, when suddenly the full meaning of the words seemed to rush over me. A strange giddy feeling made me shut my eyes and I caught hold of Harriet's arm.
"What's the matter?" she said wonderingly, as I opened my eyes and looked at her again.
"I'd rather not talk about mamma just now," I said. "I'll tell you afterwards."
"Up in our room," said Harriet, "oh yes, that'll be jolly. We've got all sorts of dodges."
But before she had time to explain more, or I to ask her why "dodges" – I knew the meaning of the word from Haddie – were required, a bell rang loudly.
Instantly the hubbub ceased, and there began a sort of silent scramble – the elder girls collecting books and papers and hurrying to their places; the younger ones rushing upstairs to the other schoolroom, I following.
In a few minutes we were all seated round the long tables. It was a sewing afternoon, and to my great delight I saw that Miss Fenmore, the pretty governess whom I had taken such a fancy to, though I had not yet spoken to her, was now in Miss Broom's place.
Mamma had provided me with both plain work and a little simple fancy work, but as my things were not yet unpacked, I had neither with me, and I sat feeling awkward and ashamed, seeing all the others busily preparing for business.
"Have you no work, my dear?" said Miss Fenmore gently. It was the first kind speech I had had from a governess.
"It isn't unpacked," I said, feeling my cheeks grow red, I did not know why.
Miss Fenmore hesitated for a moment. Then she took out a stocking – or rather the beginning of one on knitting-needles.
"Can you knit?" she asked.
"I can knit plain – plain and purl – just straight on," I said. "But I've never done it round like that."
"Never mind, you will learn easily, as you know how to knit. Come and sit beside me, so that I can watch you."
She made the girls sit a little more closely, making a place for me beside her, and I would have been quite happy had I not seen a cross expression on several faces, and heard murmurs of "favouring," "spoilt pet," and so on.
Miss Fenmore, if she heard, took no notice. And in a few moments all was in order. We read aloud in turns – the book was supposed to be a story-book, but it seemed to me very dull, though the fault may have lain in the uninteresting way the girls read, and the constant change of voices, as no one read more than two pages at a time. I left off trying to listen and gave my whole attention to my knitting, encouraged by Miss Fenmore's whispered "very nice – a little looser," or "won't it be nice to knit socks for your father or brother, if you have a brother?"
I nodded with a smile. I was burning to tell her everything. Already I felt that I loved her dearly – her voice was as sweet as her face. Yet there were tones in the former and lines in the latter telling of much sorrow and suffering, young as she was. I was far too much of a child to understand this. I only felt vaguely that there was something about her which reminded me of mamma as she had looked these last few weeks.
And my heart was won.