The Amish Widow's Heart

Beth obeyed, inhaling the scent of chocolate and savoring the sweet, creamy filling. To her surprise, it actually went down without sticking in her throat.

Grossmammi watched her with satisfaction, her face alert. Mammi had noticed the alertness, too, because she relaxed a bit.

Her grandmother focused on Beth’s face. “Now, tell us what has you upset today.”

Beth narrowly escaped biting her tongue. How did Grossmammi know? Still, when she was alert, there was no getting away from her.

“Nothing,” Beth said, hoping she sounded convincing. “I’m not upset.”

“Ach, Bethany, tell that to someone who doesn’t know you like we do.” Her mother joined in. “Komm now, tell us. Benjy said that Daniel Miller had been here. Did that upset you?”

“No, no, of course not. He just wanted to let me know about how things are at the store.” She hesitated. “Well, and talk about the future, but I... I wasn’t ready to do that. He might have waited.”

Mammi clucked her tongue. “That’s natural enough for him, ain’t so? After all, you are his partner now. He’ll want to know how things are going to change.”

“I suppose so.” She felt a flicker of resentment. She’d expected Mammi to be on her side. Not that there were any sides to it. She’d have to focus on business soon. Just not today. “Well, I can stop by the store sometime soon, but I don’t know much about running it. James always said I had enough to do with the orchard and the garden and Benjy to look after.”

“Yah, that’s so.” Mammi still studied her face. “You’re sure there’s nothing I can help with?”

First Daniel and now Mammi wanting to help. But they couldn’t, even if she told them, and she didn’t intend to do that.

“Nothing,” she said firmly.

Mammi rose. “I won’t tease you to tell me anything you’d rather not. Just remember we’re here, and there are lots of people who love you and want to help.”

Grossmammi reached out to touch Beth’s cheek. Her grandmother had experienced loss, she knew, and Grossmammi’s expression was tinged with sorrow as she looked at Beth. “And God is always ready to listen, ain’t so?”

Beth managed a nod, tears stinging her eyes. She wasn’t sure she even wanted to pray about this burden. Not now. Now she needed to be alone long enough to figure out how this had happened to her.

Chapter Two

Beth still had her grandmother’s words in her mind a few days later when she and Benjy walked up to the orchard together. Grossmammi’s advice was good, but Beth’s prayers seemed to bounce around until she wasn’t sure whether she was talking to the Lord or to herself. She prayed for acceptance, and in the next breath she was railing at James for his deception or wondering how she’d failed that he had turned away from her.

“Look, Mammi, look!” Benjy tugged her along, pointing. “Look at the red apples. Is it time to pick them?”

“Some of them.” She steered him away from the McIntosh. They wouldn’t be ready for a few more weeks. “Look at that tree. Those apples are called Honeycrisp. Some of them are ready to pick.”

Running ahead, Benjy threw his arms around the tree in a hug. He looked up into the branches, standing on tiptoe to reach a ripe apple. “Can I pick it? Can I, Mammi?”

“Yah, for sure. Let me show you how.” She closed her hand over his small one. “Twist it just a little while you pull gently. Like this.”

The apple came away in Benjy’s hand, and he held it up with a delighted smile. “I did it.”

Her heart swelled with love. “You did. See if you can reach some other ripe ones. I’ll hold that one.” She picked up the corners of her apron to form a makeshift basket.

Benjy darted off in search of others he could reach, and she picked a few more, inhaling the rich apple scent. It seemed to carry with it a score of memories—her little brothers vying to see how many they could pick, and Daniel, always kind, boosting the smaller ones up to reach.

Funny, that the orchard didn’t carry memories of James. He hadn’t been part of that early childhood, when Daniel as a near neighbor had naturally been there to help her uncle with the picking. James, living with his widowed mother in the center of town, had had no place there. Even after they bought Onkel Isaac’s place, James had left the orchard to her.

So preoccupied was she with memories that she didn’t notice the figure coming toward them until Benjy’s shout.

“Grossdaadi!” He hurtled through the grass, his chubby legs churning, and bolted into her father’s arms. Daadi lifted him over his head, then gave him a hug and set him down.

“Komm, schnell. See all the apples I picked. They’re called Honey...” He looked at his mother.

“Honeycrisp,” she prompted. “Because they’re sweet like honey and crisp when you bite into them.” She polished one against her apron and handed it to him. “Try it.”

Grinning, he bit into it, rewarded by a spurt of juice that dribbled down his chin. “Yummy.” The word was muffled by apple, and she and Daad exchanged a smile.

When Benjy ran off to find some more to pick, her father gestured to the rough-hewn bench Onkel Isaac had built long ago. “Komm. Sit.”

Once they were settled, he glanced around the orchard. “A gut crop of the Honeycrisps this year. You can sell some at the store, ain’t so?”

Beth tensed at the mention of the store, conscious of the fact that she still hadn’t had that talk with Daniel. “Did Mammi talk to you about me?”

He patted her hand. “You can’t keep folks who love you from talking about you. You wouldn’t want to, now would you?”

“I guess not,” she admitted. “I suppose you think I ought to make some decisions about the store, too.”

Her father paused for a moment, as if considering the matter. “You want some time, for sure. But maybe you’re not seeing it from Daniel’s point of view. With James gone, you own his share of the store. It’s natural that Daniel would be anxious about your plans.”

“I guess. But I don’t have any plans, not yet.” If she could be alone in her grief and betrayal...

“Sometimes I think Daniel is married to that store.” Daad’s craggy face softened in a smile. “It’s natural, ain’t so? He doesn’t have a wife and kinder, and his father’s farm will go to his brother. He’s a hard worker. Always has been.”

Was he making a contrast with James? She couldn’t tell. “James did a gut job with the store,” she said, feeling compelled to defend him, despite what she’d learned.

“Ach, yah, I’m not saying he didn’t. All the more reason why Daniel wants to know what your plans are.”

Daadi studied her face, maybe looking for a sign that she agreed. Then he glanced at the apples again.

“I’ll send some of the family over tomorrow to help you do a first picking of apples. Then, if you want to sell them...” He waited, looking at her.

“Yah, all right.” There was no getting out of it. “The Honeycrisp should be eaten when they’re ready, since they aren’t such gut keepers. We’ll give some to the family.” She forced herself to smile. “And I’ll talk to Daniel about selling them.”

“Gut.” Daadi squeezed her hand, and that was as good as praise. “I can stay with Benjy while you go and see him. We’ll go ahead and pick a basket for you to take to him.”

She hadn’t meant now, and she suspected Daad knew it. Still, if she must do it, it was better done now. And the same held true about making decisions for the future.

Daniel glanced up from the low shelf he was arranging at the sound of the bell and started to rise. He stopped for an instant before completing the movement. It wasn’t his imagination. It was Beth.

He headed for her, relieved to think she was doing better. She must be, since she was here. Another step brought him close enough to chase that idea away. If anything, Beth looked even worse than she had the day he’d stopped by to see her. Strain had drawn her skin tautly against the bones of her face, and her cheeks seemed hollow. It was like seeing her when she was very old, and he could hardly keep from exclaiming at the sight.

For a moment he couldn’t speak. Realizing that every customer in the store seemed similarly affected, he forced himself to say her name. “Beth, wilkom. I’m wonderful glad you came by today.”

With a quick movement, Beth thrust the basket she carried at him. “Honeycrisp apples,” she said, as if that was an explanation for her presence.

He saw the movement of her neck when she swallowed, and then she went on.

“We’re going to do the first picking of the early apples tomorrow. Do you want a few baskets to sell? If you think anyone will want them, I mean.”

“I’m certain folks will—”

An Englisch customer moved closer to peer at the basket. “Honeycrisp, did you say? I can hardly ever find them. I’ll stop by on Friday morning. Hold a peck for me, will you?”

“Yah, I’ll be glad to, Mrs. Warren.”

“Good.” She darted a curious glance at Beth before moving on to look at the bread case.

“There’s your answer, ain’t so?” Daniel smiled. “If you need any more help to pick, I can send my nephew over.”

“Denke, but my daad is coming with some of the young ones.”

“Your daad will get the job done fast. I remember what he was like when we all helped your onkel to do it. He’s not one to take excuses.”

She actually tried to smile at that. “He’s still the same. He’s watching Benjy right now so I could come over.”

“Whether you wanted to or not,” he finished for her.

“You did say we needed to talk about the store, ain’t so?”

He touched her arm lightly and gestured. “Let’s go to the back room. There should be coffee on.” He raised his voice. “Anna?”

Anna Fisher, their sixteen-year-old clerk, sidled in from the storeroom and stopped. Shy, he supposed, at the sight of the new widow. Like everyone, she’d been shocked by James’s death.

“Take charge for a few minutes. We’ll be in the back, talking.”

She nodded, moving behind the counter without wasting a word. He’d been doubtful at first that someone so shy would be successful as a clerk, but she’d surprised him. He was thankful for her now, with James no longer here to help.

Leading the way, he took Beth to the room that served as a combination office and break room. Sure enough, there was coffee staying warm on the small gas stove. While he got out cups and spoons, his mind worked busily, trying to figure out the best approach to this conversation. If he had his way, Beth would come in as a partner, and together they’d keep the store going as it was. But that might not be Beth’s idea of a future.

He turned to the table, sitting down across from her as he put the coffee mugs in place. “How are you, Bethy?” The childhood nickname had come up without his thinking about it, but it actually made her face lighten a little.

“All right, I guess.” But then her expression closed down again, negating her words. It made him want to grasp her hand, the way he’d have done when they were children and something had frightened her.

But he couldn’t, of course. They were grown-ups now, and Beth was the widow of his best friend. He would help her in any way he could while still respecting her position.

Daniel cleared his throat, trying to find the way forward. “I... I hoped you might have made some decision about the store.”

“Daadi said something about that, too.” Beth ran her hand across her forehead, as if brushing away cobwebs. “I’m being stupid, I guess. James never talked about business with me. I don’t even know how I stand and whether I have enough to support my son.”

The thread of what might be anger in her voice startled him. He’d never heard her say anything critical about James. He must be mistaken. Beth had always adored James.

He’d have to assure her as best he could. “You needn’t worry about supporting Benjy. You own half the business now, and we’re doing pretty well. And you own the house and the orchard free and clear, ain’t so?”

She nodded, her expression easing. “Yah, you’re right. Onkel Isaac made it easy for us to buy. He was wonderful gut to me.”

“Your uncle was a fine man, and a gut neighbor, as well.” Little Beth had been his favorite among his many nieces and nephews, so it wasn’t surprising that he’d wanted to protect her. “You want to stay where you are, then?”

“Yah, for sure. I never thought of anything else.” She glanced up at him, a question in her green eyes. “As for the store...well, what else can we do but carry on as we are?”

It was tempting just to agree, but Beth ought to consider her options before she came to a decision.

“You do have other choices. If we go ahead as we are, we might have to hire another helper. Or you could come in and help. Even a few hours a week might be enough.” He took a breath. “Or you might want to sell your share of the store.”

There, it was out. If she did want to sell, he’d have no choice but to make the best of it.

“Sell?” She’d obviously never considered it. “Do you mean you want to buy my share?”

“No.” Daniel couldn’t get the word out fast enough, and it startled him. He hadn’t realized he felt so strongly about it. “I mean, I’m afraid I couldn’t afford it, not yet, anyway. But even if I could...” He struggled to articulate what he felt about the store.

“James and I took a risk when we started this place, but it’s paid off. We liked working together. I guess now I’d like to think of Benjy growing up and becoming my partner, working beside me.” He seemed to see the boy grown up, with his mother’s sweetness and loving heart as well as his father’s laughter and charm. “The store is his legacy from his father, ain’t so?”

At his words, an expression he couldn’t begin to interpret crossed Beth’s face. He’d known her most of their lives, but he’d never seen her look like that before.

It was gone again, leaving him feeling disturbed without knowing why. “What do you think?”

Beth was silent for a moment, her gaze seeming fixed on something he couldn’t see. Then she let out a long breath. “For now, I’d like to go on the way we are. But maybe that’s not fair to you. James isn’t here to do his share of the work, so we can’t take his share of the profits. It wouldn’t be right.”

He hadn’t expected that, and maybe he should have. Beth, for all her softness, had a strong sense of what was right.

“We can work that out,” he said. “Like I said, we could hire someone else. Or you might want to spend some time helping out, ain’t so?”

He could see how that idea shook her, could anticipate the instant refusal coming.

“I... I can’t. I’ve never done anything like that. And anyway, I can’t leave Benjy.”

Again, he had that longing to reach out and take her hand. “Not full-time, no. But why don’t you come in for a few hours a day? You can bring Benjy with you. He’d enjoy it.”

“I don’t know...”

He sensed her considering it and pressed his advantage. “It makes sense, Beth. You ought to see the operation for yourself. Maybe look over the books and get a little understanding of how it works. It’s part yours now, yah?”

She rose, and he stood up with her. It looked as if she’d leave without a decision, but then she nodded. “I can’t promise more, but I’ll come in one day. Not tomorrow, but soon.”

He’d have to be content with that for now. But he for sure wanted to know what was behind her reluctance.

The next afternoon Beth stood in the driveway, waving as her father’s horse-drawn wagon reached the main road and turned in at the store. The apple-picking had been enjoyed by all the young cousins. She’d been expecting someone to fall out of a tree, but Daad had kept a stern eye on his grandchildren, so there’d been no horseplay.

Each of them had taken a small basket home with them. They’d stopped at the store to deliver ten peck baskets of apples. There’d be more in a few days, but she’d wait to see how the first ones sold. She didn’t want to burden Daniel with anything he couldn’t sell.

She was starting toward the back door when she saw a buggy turn into the drive. Company for her? She gave her skirt a quick shake, hoping she didn’t have any leaves or twigs caught in her clothes. Then she recognized Lydia, so she smiled and waved, walking to the driveway to meet her cousin.

“How nice. I’m having lots of company today.” She fastened the line to the hitching post. “Wilkom, Lydia.”

Lydia gave her a quick hug and stood back for a moment, scanning her face. She gave an approving nod. “You look better today. Gut!”

“Always better for seeing you.” They linked arms as they walked into the house. “Tea or coffee?” She usually preferred tea in the afternoon, but sometimes Lydia liked coffee. “I have a pot I made for Daad.”

“Coffee, then.” She took the chair she usually sat in for their afternoon break. “I saw your daad at the store. Looked as if they were unloading apples.”

“Yah, we did the first picking of the early apples. I’ll put some in a basket for you to take home. Tell your mamm they’re Honeycrisp.”

“I’ll do that. Denke.” She took the mug of coffee Beth handed her. “All right, tell me. Why are you looking better today?”

Beth shrugged, taking her seat. “I’m not sure. Just being busier helps, I guess. The apple-picking today, and yesterday I went to the store to talk to Daniel.” She frowned a little at the thought of what she’d promised. “What about you? Have you been working a lot?”

Lydia nodded, making a face. “Waitressing at the coffee shop isn’t a very challenging job. Sometimes I wish the regulars would order something different, just for a change.”

“Why should they? You have the same thing every day for breakfast at home, don’t you?”

“That’s different. I have whatever Mamm cooks. If I had my way, I’d fix something different every day.”

Beth couldn’t help but smile. Lydia always claimed to long for something different, but she went on in the usual Amish routine all the same.

“Laughing at me?” Lydia said. “Ach, I deserve it. I should be ashamed to complain. Never mind that, anyway. Tell me what Daniel wanted.”

Now it was her turn to grimace. “Everyone keeps pushing me to make some decisions about the store, and I can’t think of anything but...well, you know.”

“Yah, I know.” Lydia reached across the table to clasp her hand. “Did anything new come to light?”

“No. I asked Daniel where James was going that last night, but he didn’t know.”

“You think he was meeting that woman, whoever she was? It might not be that at all.”

“Then what was he doing out on Owl Hollow Road?”

Lydia didn’t have an answer to that. After a moment she countered with another question. “What exactly did Daniel say?”

She rubbed the tense muscles in the back of her neck. “He said they’d been working on something in the store, and when they were about finished, James went out first. I guess he thought James was just going home.”

“So James didn’t say anything to him.”

Was there doubt in Lydia’s voice? She couldn’t be sure. But Daniel wouldn’t lie to her. “If he’d known where James was going, he’d have told me.” She clenched her teaspoon so hard her fingers stung. “Now I’m supposed to take over our share of the store, and I don’t know a thing about it.”

Lydia glanced down at the liquid in her mug, as if mulling something over. “I was always a little surprised that you didn’t help out in the store sometimes, especially once Benjy wasn’t a baby anymore.”

“That’s the way James wanted it. He said I had enough to do with Benjy, the house, the garden and the orchard. I never questioned it.”

She’d grown so used to the fact that she’d never really wondered about it. Plenty of women with families helped out in the family business.

“It would be easier now if you had been more involved, but I don’t suppose James envisioned a time when he wouldn’t be there.” Lydia glanced at her, as if to be sure her words hadn’t hurt.

“Yah, it would be. I don’t believe James ever considered the need. After all, his mother never did work outside the home, and she just had the one child and the little house in town.”

Lydia’s dimples showed at the mention of Beth’s mother-in-law. “It’s certain sure Sarah Esch never thought of anything on her own. I’ve never seen a woman so...so passive in my life.”

Beth had to suppress a smile. “Sarah is like a soft, fluffy pillow you can push into any shape.” Fearing that sounded critical, she hurried on. “But she’s a wonderful, sweet mother-in-law.”

“I guess.” She hesitated. “Pillows are all very well to rest on, but they don’t help you get anything done. And she always doted on James. Spoiled him, some folks say.”

“He was all she had.” Beth felt compelled to defend her mother-in-law, but it was true that Sarah’s fluttering over James and then over Benjy drove her wild sometimes. “She’s another person who can never know the truth.”

“I guess not. But I just wish you didn’t have to carry this burden all alone.”

“I have you,” Beth said softly. “Denke.”

Lydia wiped her eyes and then chuckled. “We’d best find something else to talk about before we’re both crying. So what are you going to do about the store now?”

“Daniel has this idea that I should start going in for a few hours a day. That way at least I can learn something about the business, but—”

“But what? It sounds like a gut idea to me,” Lydia said. “Unless you’re thinking to sell your share?”

“Daniel said something about the store being Benjy’s legacy from his father, and it’s true. If I sell, we’d have the money, but money isn’t everything. Benjy wouldn’t have the store.”

“You don’t have to decide right away, do you? Why not try Daniel’s suggestion?” Lydia was practical, as always. “Maybe you’ll find a way to be a real partner in the business.”

The very thought sent a shiver through her. “I don’t know that I can.”

“Why not?” Lydia’s voice was brisk. “You’re smart, and you’re a hard worker. And you don’t want to turn into a fluffy pillow, ain’t so?”

Halfway between laughing and crying, Beth threw a napkin at her. “All right. Don’t be so bossy. I’ll try. I’ll go in and see what it’s like, but that’s all.”

“Tomorrow,” Lydia said firmly.

Beth wished she had another napkin to throw. “Tomorrow. I promise.”

She just hoped she wouldn’t regret it.