The Comic Latin Grammar: A new and facetious introduction to the Latin tongue

But if the name of a city or town shall be of the plural number only, or of the third declension, it is put in the ablative case, as

Aiunt centum portas Thebis fuisse:

They say there were an hundred gates at Thebes.

You needn’t believe it unless you like.

Egregia Tibure facta videnda sunt:

Fine doings are to be seen at Tivoli.

The name of a place is often put after verbs signifying motion to a place in the accusative case without a preposition, as

Concessi Cantabrigiam ad capiendum ingenii cultum:

I went to Cambridge to become a fast man.

After this manner we use domus, a house, and rus, the country, as Rus ire jussus sum, I was rusticated. Domum missus eram, I was sent home.

Going too fast at Cambridge sometimes necessitates, in two senses, a dose of country air.

The name of a place is sometimes added to verbs signifying motion from a place, in the ablative case without a proposition, as

Arbitror te Virginiâ veteri venisse:

I reckon you’ve come from old Virginny.

Verbs Impersonal

Verbs impersonal have no nominative case, as

Scenas post tragicas multum juvat ire sub umbras:

After a tragedy it is very pleasant to go under the Shades.

The worst of these “Shades” is, that people are now and then apt to get rather “too much in the sun” there.

These impersonals, interest, it concerns, and refert, it concerns, are joined to any genitive cases, except these ablative cases feminine, meâ, tuâ, suâ, nostrâ, vestrâ, and cujâ, as

Interest magistratûs tueri insulsos, animadvertere in acres.

It concerns the magistrate to defend the flats; to punish the sharps.

These genitive cases also, are added, tanti, of so much, quanti, of how much, magni, of much, parvi, of little, quanticunque, of how much soever, tantidem, of just so much; as

Tanti refert honesta agere;

Of such consequence is it to do honest things.

By this course of conduct, you certainly render yourself worthy of the protection of the magistrate; although whether you thereby constitute yourself a flat or not, is perhaps a doubtful question. Much may be said on both sides. Dishonesty, it is true, may lead to being taken up; but then honesty often leads to being taken in. Yet honesty is said to be the best policy. Policy is a branch of wisdom, and “wisdom” they say “is in the wig.” Certain wigs are retained at the head– of affairs, by a good deal of policy; perhaps the best they could adopt – a fact that throws considerable doubt on the truth of the old maxim.

Impersonal verbs which are put acquisitively, require a dative case; but those which are put transitively an accusative, as —

A ministris nobis benefit:

We enjoy blessings from Ministers.

For instance – No – We cannot think of any just at present.

Me juvat per lunam errare, et “Isabellam” cantare:

I like to wander by moonlight, and sing “Isabelle.”

The connexion between love and moonlight is as interesting as it is certain. We shrewdly suspect that the said planet has more to do with the tender passion than lovers are aware of.

But the preposition ad is peculiarly added to these verbs – attinet, it belongs, pertinet, it pertains, spectat, it concerns, as

Spectat ad omnes bene vivere:

It concerns all to live well —

When they can afford it.

An accusative case with a genitive is put after these verbs impersonal – pœnitet, it repents, tædet, it wearies, miseret, miserescit, it pities, pudet, it shames, piget, it grieves, as —

“Nihil me pœnitet hujus nasi” – Trist: Shand:

“My nose has been the making of me.”

A verb impersonal of the passive voice may be elegantly taken for each person of both numbers; that is to say, by virtue of a case added to it.

Thus statur is used for sto, stas, stat, stamus, statis, stant. Statur a me; it is stood by me, that is, I stand; statur ab illis: it is stood by them, or they stand.

King George the Fourth’s statue at King’s Cross is a standing joke.

Participles govern the cases of the verbs from which they are derived, as —

Duplices tendens ad sidera palmas,

Talia voce refert:

Stretching forth his hands to heaven, he utters such things.

This reminds us of the Italian opera.

A dative case is sometimes added to participles of the passive voice, especially when they end in dus, as —

Sollicito nasus rutilans metuendus amanti est:

A fiery nose is to be feared by an anxious lover.

Participles, when they become nouns, require a genitive case, as —

Vectigalis appetens, linguæ profusus:

Greedy of rint, lavish of blarney.

Exosus, hating, perosus, utterly hating, pertæsus, weary of, signifying actively, require an accusative case, as —

Philosophus exosus ad unam mulieres:

A philosopher hating women in general, i. e. a Malthusian.

Exosus, hated, and perosus, hated to death, signifying passively, are read with a dative case, as

Comœdi sanctis exosi sunt:

The comedians are hated by the saints.

We mean the spiritual Quixotes, or Knights of the Rueful Countenance. We “calculate” that they will be the greatest patrons of rail roads, considering their dislike to the stage.

Natus, born, prognatus, born, satus, sprung, cretus, descended, creatus, produced, ortus, risen, editus, brought forth, require an ablative case, and often with a preposition, as —

Taffius, bonis prognatus parentibus, cerevisiam haud tenuem de sese existimat:

Taffy, sprung of good parents, thinks no small beer of himself.

De Britannis Antiquis se jactat editum:

He boasts of being descended from the Ancient Britons.

Q. Why is the eldest son of a King of England like a Leviathan?

A. Because he is the Prince of Wales.

The Construction of Adverbs

En and ecce, adverbs of showing, are joined most commonly to a nominative case, to an accusative case but seldom, as

En Romanus: See the Roman (q. rum-un.)

Ecce Corinthium: Behold the Corinthian.

Modern Corinthians, we fear, know but little Greek, except that of the Ægidiac, or St. Giles’s dialect.

En and ecce, adverbs of upbraiding, are joined most commonly to an accusative case only, as —

En togam squamosam!

Look at his scaly toga!

Ecce caudam! Twig his tail!

Certain adverbs of time, place, and quantity, admit a genitive case, as

Ubi gentium est Quadra Russelliana?

Where in the world is Russell Square?

We must confess that this question is exquisitely absurd.

Nihil tunc temporis amplius quam flere poteram:

I could do nothing more at that time than weep.

Talking of weeping – how odd it is that an affectionate wife should cry when her husband is transported for life.

Satis eloquentiæ, sapientiæ parum:

Eloquence enough, wisdom little enough.

This quotation applies very forcibly to domestic oratory as practised by small boys at the instigation of their mamma, for the amusement of visitors. Those on whom “little bird with boothom wed,” “deep in the windingths of a whale,” or “my name is Nawval,” and the like recitations are inflicted, have “satis eloquentiæ” – enough of eloquence, in all conscience; and we cannot but think that “sapientiæ parum,” “wisdom little enough” is displayed by all the other parties concerned.

Some adverbs admit the cases of the nouns from which they are derived, as

Juvenis benevolus sibi inutiliter vivit:

The good-natured young man lives unprofitably to himself —

Especially if he have a large circle of female acquaintance.

These adverbs of diversity, aliter, otherwise, and secus, otherwise; and these two, ante, before, and post, after, are often joined to an ablative case, as —

Plure aliter. More t’other.

Multo ante. Much before.

Paulo post. Little behind.

Those who are much before, are guilty of a great waste– of time; and those who are little behind should make it up by a bustle.

Instar, like or equal to, and ergo, for the sake of, being taken as adverbs, have a genitive case after them, as —

Instar montis equum divina Palladis arte

Ædificant:

By the divine assistance of Pallas they build a horse as big as a mountain.

This may appear incredible; yet the learned Munchausenius relates prodigies much more astonishing.

Mentitur Virgilius leporis ergo:

Virgil tells lies for fun.

As may be sufficiently seen in the example before the last, and also in the sixth book of the Æneid, passim.

The Construction of Conjunctions

Conjunctions copulative and disjunctive, couple like cases, moods, and tenses, as

Socrates docuit Xenophontem et Platonem geographiam, astronomiam, et rationem globorum:

Socrates taught Xenophon and Plato geography, astronomy, and the use of the globes.

Q. How may a waterman answer the polite interrogation “Who are you?” correctly, and designate at the same time, an educational institution.

A. By saying A-cad-am-I.

The foregoing rule (not riddle) holds good, unless the reason of a different construction requires it should be otherwise, as

Emi librum centussi et pluris:

I bought a book for a hundred pence, and more,

“100d. are 8s. 4d.” – Walkinghame.

The conjunction, quam, than, is often understood after amplius, more, plus, more, and minus, less, as

Amplius sunt sex menses:

There are more than six months.

For this interesting piece of information we are indebted to Cicero. The author to whom reference has just been made, has somewhere, if we mistake not, a similar observation. In thus ushering the Tutor’s Assistant into notice, we feel that we are citing a work of which it is impossible to make too comical mention.

Thank goodness there are not more than six months in a half year!

To what Moods of Verbs certain Adverbs and Conjunctions do agree

Ne, an, num, whether put doubtfully or indefinitely, are joined to a subjunctive mood, as —

Nihil refert fecerisne an persuaseris:

It matters nothing whether you have done it or persuaded to it —

as the school-master said when he got hold of the wrong end of the cane.

Here it may be remarked – First, that the young gentlemen who play tricks with tallow are likely to get more whacks than they like on their fingers. Secondly – That a master whose hand is in Grease cannot be expected to be at the same time in A-merry-key.

Dum, for dummodo, so that, and quousque, until, requires a subjunctive mood, as —

Dum felix sis, quid refert?

What’s the odds, so long as you’re happy.

Qui, signifying the cause, requires a subjunctive mood, as

Stultus es qui Ovidio credas:

You are a fool for believing Ovid.

Ut, for, postquam, after that, sicut, as, and quomodo, how, is joined to an indicative mood; but when it signifies quanquam, although, utpote, forasmuch as, or the final cause, to a subjunctive mood, as

Ut sumus in Ponto ter frigore constitit Ister:

Since that we are in Pontus the Danube has stood frozen three times.

Were skating and sliding classical accomplishments? Ambition, we know, led many of the Romans to tread on slippery ground: many of them struck out new paths, but none (that we have heard of) ever struck out a slide. Imagine Cato or Seneca “coming the cobbler’s knock.”

Te oro, domine, ut exeam:

Please, sir, let me go out.

Lastly, all words put indefinitely, such as are these, quis, who, quantus, how great, quotus, how many, require a subjunctive mood, as

Cave cui incurras, inepte:

Mind who you run against, stupid.

Such may have been the speech of a Roman cabman. A very curious specimen of the tessera, or badge, worn on the breast by this description of persons, has lately been discovered at Herculaneum.

A preposition being understood, sometimes causes an ablative case to be added, as

Habeo pigneratorem loco avunculi; i. e. in loco:

I esteem a pawnbroker in the place of an uncle: that is, in loco.

A preposition in composition sometimes governs the same case which it also governed out of composition, as

Jupiter Olympo Vulcanum calce exegit:

Jupiter kicked Vulcan out of Olympus.

This was not only an ungentlemanly, but also an ungodly act on Jupiter’s part. Reasoning à posteriori, one would think it must have been very unpleasant to Vulcan.

Præteriit me in Quadrante insalutatum:

He cut me in the Quadrant.

Verbs compounded with a, ab, de, e, ex, in, sometimes repeat the same prepositions with their case out of composition, and that elegantly, as

Abstinuerunt a vino:

They abstained from wine.

This properly is an allusion to the Tiber-totallers. It should be remembered that tea was unknown in Rome, except as the accusative case of a pronoun.

In, for, erga, towards, contra, against, ad, to, and supra, above, requires an accusative case, as

Quietum

Accipit in pueros animum mentemque benignam:

He admits kind thoughts and inclinations towards the boys.

The master does – when he gives them a half holiday or a blow out. Mr. Squeers (vide Nicholas Nick: illustriss. Boz.) was in the habit of making much of the young gentlemen intrusted to his care.

Sub, when it relates to time, is commonly joined to an accusative case, as

Sub idem tempus – Isaaculus trans maria deportatus est:

About the same time – Ikey was transported beyond the seas.

We say beyond the seas, lest it should be questioned whether Mr. I. was transported as a necessary or contingent consequence of cheating.

Super, for, ultra, beyond, is put with an accusative case, for de, concerning, with an ablative case, as

Super et Garamantas et Indos

Proferet imperium:

He will extend the empire both beyond the Africans and the Indians.

A wide rule expressed in poetical measure.

Quid de domesticis Peruviorum rebus censeas?

What may be your opinion concerning the domestic economy of the Peruvians?

Tenus, as far as, is joined to an ablative case, both in the singular and plural number, as

Cervice, auribusque tenus Marius in luto inveniebatur:

Marius was found up to his neck and ears in mud.

What a lark! or rather a mud lark. But tenus is joined to a genitive only in the plural, and it always follows its case, as

Crurum tenus: up to the legs.

Which it is very necessary to be at Epsom and Ascot.

The Construction of Interjections

Interjections are often put without a case, as

Spem gregis, ah! silice in nudâ connixa reliquit:

Having yeaned, she left the hope of the flock, alas! upon the bare flint stones.

And exposed to the steely-hearted world, which, as an Irishman remarked, was a dangerous situation for tinder infancy. It must have been, to say the least, a most uncomfortable berth.

O! of one exclaiming, is joined to a nominative, accusative, and vocative case, as

O lex! Oh law! O alaudas! Oh larks! Oh meum! Oh my! O care! Oh dear!

We cannot find out what is Latin for oh Crikey!

Heu! and proh! alas! are joined, sometimes to a nominative, sometimes to an accusative, and occasionally to a vocative case, as – Heu bellis! Lack-a-daisy. Heu diem! Lack-a-day. Proh Clamor! Oh cry! Proh deos pisciculosque! Oh, ye gods and little fishes!

Heu miserande puer!

Oh, boy, to be pitied!

What boy is more to be pitied than a junior boy? The Fagin system described in Oliver Twist is nothing compared to that adopted in public schools. People may say what they will of the beneficial effect which it produces on the minds of those who are subjected to it – we contend that to breed a gentleman’s son up like a tiger is the readiest way to make a beast of him.

Hei! and væ! alas, are joined to a dative case, as

Hei mihi quod nullis amor est medicabilis herbis:

Woe is me that love is curable by no herbs.

Ovid never would have said that, if he had smoked a cigar or chewed tobacco. The ancients believed that love might be excited by certain articles taken from the vegetable kingdom. Why then should it be considered impossible to allay the same feeling in a similar manner? Every bane has its corresponding antidote; if so, there may be physic even for a philter. And for the pangs which a virgin has inflicted, what remedy could be prescribed more reasonable than the Virginian weed; – besides, love generally ends in smoke.

Væ misero capiti, madefacto, sæpe fenestræ

Imbribus immundis, Lydia cara, tuæ:

Woe to my wretched head, often wetted, dear

Lydia, by the unclean showers of your window.

This would be a proper place for introducing a few remarks on the ancient mode of serenading; which we are prevented from doing by the very imperfect state of our present information on this interesting point. It is, however, pretty generally admitted that the Romans always took care to provide themselves with an umbrella on these occasions, and this for a reason which the above distich will have rendered sufficiently obvious. It appears to us that so salutary a precaution is well worthy of being sometimes adopted in these modern days – and with this hint we conclude the Syntax.

PROSODY

All you that bards of note would be,

Must study well your Prosody.

As Comparative Anatomy teaches what the sound of a cod-fish is; so Prosody teaches what is the sound of syllables.

Sound and quantity mean the same thing; though how that fact is to be reconciled with the proverb, “great cry and little wool,” we do not know.

Prosody is divided into three parts. Tone, Breathing, and Time. As to tone – boys are usually required to repeat it in a loud one, without stammering or drawling; and with as little breathing and time, or breathing-time, as possible.

We shall leave tone to the consideration of pianoforte and fiddle-makers; and breathing to doctors and chemists, who can analyze it a great deal better than we can. In this place we think proper to treat only of Time.

Now of Time a very great deal may be said, taking the word in all the senses in which it is capable of being used.

In the first place, Time flies – but this we have had occasion to observe before; as also that Time is a very great eater.

In the second, Time is a very ill-used personage; he is spent, wasted, lost, kicked down, and killed – the last as often as an Irishman is – but for all that he never complains.

It is a question whether keeping Time, or losing Time, is the essential characteristic of dancing.

Then we might expatiate largely about the value of Time, and of the propriety of taking him by the forelock – but for two reasons.

One of them is, that all this has been said long ago; the other, that it is nothing at all to the purpose.

We might also quote extensively from Dr. Culpeper’s Herbal, and from Linnæus and Jussieu; but the time we speak of, (although we hope it will be twigged by the reader,) is no plant; nevertheless it is a necessary ingredient in grammatical stuffing.

Time in prosody is the measure of the pronouncing of a syllable.

Like whist, it is divided into Long and Short. A long time is marked thus, as sūmēns, taking: a short time thus; as pĭlŭlă, a pill.

A foot is the placing together of two or more syllables, according to the certain observation of their time, the organ of which should be well developed for that purpose.

Ordinary feet are long feet, short feet, broad feet, splay feet, club feet, and bumble feet, to which may be added cloven feet in the case of certain animals, and an “old gentleman.”

There are several kinds of Latin feet; here, however, we shall only notice spondees and dactyls.

A spondee is a foot of two syllables, as īnfāns, an infant.

A dactyl is a foot of three syllables, as āngĕlŭs, an angel, pōrcŭlŭs, a little pig.

Scanning is measuring a verse as you are measured by your tailor – by the foot, according to rule. To scanning there belong the figures called Synalœpha, Ecthlipsis, Synæresis, Diæresis, and Cæsura.

Synalœpha is the cutting off a vowel at the end of a word, before another at the beginning of the next; as

Ōcclūsīs ēvāsi ŏcŭlīs nāsōquĕ cruēntō:

I came off with my eyes bunged up and a bloody nose.

We have here knocked out an i in evasi, on the strength of a synalœpha.

But heu and o are never cut off – at least there are no cases on record in which this operation has been performed.

Ecthlipsis is as often as the letter m is cut off with its vowel; the next word beginning with a vowel, as

Mōnstrum hōrrēndum īnfōrme īngēns – spectāvĭmŭs hōrtīs:

We saw a horrible, ugly, great monster in the gardens.

If every bear and boar were kept in a den – what a fine world this would be.

Synæresis is the contraction of two syllables into one, as in alvearia, pronounced alvaria.

Strāvĭt hŭmī dēmēns cōnfērta ālveārĭă Jūnō:

Mad Juno threw the crowded beehives on the ground.

Hydrophobia occurring in a queen bee from the bite of a dog would be an interesting case to the faculty.

Diæresis is the separation of one syllable into two, as evoluisse for evolvisse. Thus Ovid says, alluding probably to the padding system adopted by dandies and theatrical artists,

Dēbŭĕrant fūsōs ēvŏlŭīssĕ sŭōs:

They ought to have unwound their spindles.

Cæsura is when after a perfect foot (though not one like Taglioni’s), a short syllable is made long at the end of a word, as

Pēctŏrĭbūs ĭnhĭāns – mōllēs, ēn, dēsĕrĭt ālās:

Intent upon the breasts (of the fowls) lo! he deserts the tender wings.

Of the Kinds of Verses

Should any one seek here for an account of every kind of verse used by the Latin poets, all we can say is – we wish he may get it. As it behoveth no one to be wiser than the law, so it behoveth not us to be wiser than the Eton Grammar.

The verses which boys are commonly taught to make are hexameters and pentameters.

An hexameter verse consists of six feet. As the ancient heroes were at least six feet high, this is probably the reason why it is also called an heroic verse.

The fifth foot in this kind of verse should be a dactyl, the sixth a spondee; the other feet may be either dactyls or spondees; as

Ōbstāntī plŭvĭīs vēnīt cūm tēgmĭnĕ Sāmbō:

Sambo came with his Macintosh.

The fifth foot also is sometimes a spondee, as

Clāvĭgĕr Ālcīdēs, māgnūm Jŏvĭs īncrēmēntūm.

Hercules, king of clubs, great offspring of Jupiter.

The last syllable of every verse is a common affair.

An elegiac, lack-a-daisical, or pentameter verse, consists of four feet and two long syllables, one of which is placed between the second and third foot, and the other at the end of the verse. The two first feet may be dactyls, spondees, or both; the two last are always dactyls, as

Rēs ēst īnfēlīx, plēnăquĕ frāudĭs ămōr:

Love is an unlucky affair, and full of humbug.

We feel compelled, notwithstanding what has been before said, to make a few additions to what is contained in the Eton Grammar with respect to verses.

The rhythm of Latin verses may be easily learned by practising (out of school), exercises on the principle of the examples following —

Dūm dĭdlĕ, dī dūm, dūm dūm, dēedlĕdy, dēēdlĕ dĕ, dūm dum;

Dūm dĭdlĕ, dūm dum, dē, dēedlĕdy̆, dēedlĕdy̆, dūm.

N.B. The following familiar piece of poetry would not have been admitted into the Comic Latin Grammar, but that there being many various readings of it, we wished to transmit the right one to posterity.

 
Patres conscripti – took a boat and went to Philippi.
Trumpeter unus erat qui coatum scarlet habebat,
Stormum surgebat, et boatum overset–ebat,
Omnes drownerunt, quia swimaway non potuerunt,
Excipe John Periwig tied up to the tail of a dead pig.
 

Here, also, this poetical curiosity may perhaps be properly introduced.

 
Conturbabantur Constantinopolitani,
Innumerabilibus sollicitudinibus.
 

Of the Quantity of the first Syllable

There is a river in Macedon and a river in Monmouth: in like manner there are positions in dancing and positions in Prosody.

The following vowels are long by position.

1. A vowel before two consonants, or before a double consonant in the same word – as pīnguis, fat, īngens, great, Ājax, the name of a hero.

2. A vowel coming before one consonant at the end of a word, and another at the beginning of the next, as

Majōr sūm quām cui possīt tua virga nocere:

I’m a bigger boy than your rod is able to hurt.

The syllables jor, sum, quam, and sit, are long by position.

3. Sometimes, but seldom, a short vowel at the end of a word placed before two consonants at the beginning of the next; as

Occultā spolia hi Croceo de Colle ferebant:

These persons brought the secret spoils from Saffron Hill.

A short vowel before a mute, a liquid following, is rendered common, as in the word patris.

Sunt quibus ornatur Jenkins femoralia pātris:

The breeches that Jenkins is rigged out in are his father’s.

A vowel before another is always short, as tŭa, thy, memorĭa, memory.

Except the genitive cases of pronouns in ius, where the i is a common i, although alterĭus has always a short i and alīus a long i.

Except, likewise, those genitive and dative cases of the fifth declension where the vowel e, like Punch’s nose, is made long between two i’s, as faciēi, of a face.

The syllable fi also in fīo is long, except e and r follow together, as fĭerem, fĭeri.

Fīent quæ “Fĭeri Facias” mandata vocantur:

The writ which is called “Fieri Facias” will be made.

Fi. fa. is a legal instrument that deprives a poor man of his mattress that a rich one may lounge on his ottoman. Ca. Sa. is a similar benevolent contrivance for punishing misfortune as felony.

Dīus, heavenly, has the first syllable long; – Diana, common: and so has the interjection Ohe!

Thus there’s a common medium of connexion,

Between a goddess and an interjection.

A vowel before another in Greek words is sometimes long, as

Cærula, Pīerides, sunt vobis tegmina crurum:

Oh, Muses, your stockings are blue.

Also in Greek possessives, as

Somniculosa fuit, pinguisque Ænēia nutrix:

Æneas’s nurse was sleepy and fat.

Æneas has often enough been represented in arms.

In Latin mark, that every dipthong

’S as long as any stage-coach whip-thong;

Except before a vowel it goes,

When ’tis as short as Elsler’s clothes.

Words derived from others are tarred with the same stick, that is, are assigned the same quantity as those which they are derived from, with some few exceptions, which we must trouble the student to fish for.

Compounds follow the quantity of their simple words, as from lĕgo lĕgis, to read, comes perlĕgo, to read through.

By the way, reading does not always induce reading through; though we hope it may in the case of the C. L. G.

 
If to a preterperfect tense belong
Two only syllables, the first is long;
As vēni, vīdi, vīci, speech so cool.
Which Cæsar made to illustrate our rule;
To which we need not cite exceptions small.
Look in your Gradus and you’ll find them all.
 

Consult also the Eton Grammar, and works of the poets, passim, as well for exceptions to the above as to the two following rules:

1. Words that double the first syllable of the preterperfect tense have the first syllable short – as cĕcĭdī from cădŏ, &c.

Fortis Higinbottom cĕcidit terramque mŏmordit:

Brave Higinbottom fell and bit the ground.

2. A supine of two syllables has the first syllable long —

As vīsum lātum lōtum mōtum:

And many more if we could quote ’em.

Of the Quantity of the last Syllable

We have had a poetical fit gradually growing upon us for some time – ’tis of no use to resist – so here goes —

 
Oh! Muse, thine aid afford to me,
Inspire my Ideality;
Thou who, benign, in days of yore,
Didst heavenly inspiration pour
On him, who luckily for us
Sang Propria Quæ Maribus;
Teach me to sound on quiv’ring lyre,
Prosodial strains in notes of fire;
Words’ ends shall be my theme sublime,
Now first descanted on in rhyme.
 
 
Come, little boys, attention lend,
All words are long in a that end:
(In proof of which I’ll bet a quart,)
Excepting those which must be short —
As pută, ită, posteă, quiă,
Ejă, and every case in iă;
Or a, save such as we must class
With Grecian vocatives in as,
And ablatives of first declension —
Besides the aforesaid, we may mention
Nouns numeral that end in ginta,
Which common, as a bit of flint are.
 
 
Some terminate in b, d, t;
All these are short; but those in c
Form toes – I mean, form ends of feet
As long – as long as Oxford Street.
Though nĕc and donĕc every bard
Hath written short as Hanway yard,
Fac, hic, and hoc are common, though
Th’ ablative hōc is long you know.
 
 
Now “e finita” short are reckon’d,
Like to a jiffey or a second,
Though we must call the Gradus wrong,
Or these, of fifth declension, long.
As also particles that come
In mode derivative therefrom.
Long second persons singular
Of second conjugation are,
And monosyllables in e.
Take, for example, mē, tē, sē,
Then, too, adverbial adjectives
Are long as rich old women’s lives —
If from the second declination
Of adjectives they’ve derivation:
Pulchrē and doctē, are the kind
Of adverbs that I have in mind.
Fermē is long, and ferē also —
Benĕ, and malĕ, not at all so.
Lastly, each final eta Greek,
Is long on all days of the week —
To wit – (for thus we render nempe)
Lethē, Anchisē, cetē, Tempē.
 
 
Those words as long we classify
Which end, like egotists, in i,
Rememb’ring mihi, tibi, sibi
Are common, so are ubi, ibi;
Nisĭ is always short, and quasĭ’s
Short also, so are certain cases
In i – Greek vocatives and datives
(At least if we may trust the natives;)
Making their genitives in os,
For instance – Phyllis, Phyllidos.
(A name oft utter’d with a sigh,)
Whereof the dative ends in ĭ.
 
 
Words in l ending short are all,
Save nīl for nihil, sāl, and sōl,
And some few Hebrew words t’were well
To cite; as Michaēl, Raphaēl.
 
 
Your n’s are long, save forsităn
Ĭn, tamĕn, attamĕn, and ăn
Veruntamĕn and forsăn, which
Are short as any tailor’s stitch;
These, therefore, we except, and then
Contractions “per apocopen” —
As vidĕn’? mĕn’? and audĭn? – so in
Exĭn’ and subĭn’, deĭn’, proĭn’.
An, from a nominative in a
Ending a word is short, they say,
But every an for long must pass
Derived from nominative in as.
Nouns, too, in en are short whose finis
Doth in the genitive make inis.
And so are n’s that do delight ĭn
An i and y– Alexĭn, Ity̆n.
 
 
Greek words are short I’d have you know,
That end in on with little o,
Common are terminating o’s,
Cases oblique except from those,
Adverbial adjectives as falsō
Are long, – take tantō, – quantō also;
Save mutuo, sedulo, and crebro.
Common as vestment vending Hebrew.
Modŏ and quomodŏ among
Short o’s we rank – nor to be long.
Nor citŏ, egŏ, duŏ; no nor
Ambŏ and Homŏ ever prone are;
But monosyllables in o,
Are counted long. Example – stō.
And omega, the whole world over,
’S as long as ’tis from here to Dover.
 
 
If r should chance a word to wind up,
’Tis short in general, make your mind up;
But fār, lār, nār, and vīr, and fūr
Pār, compār, impār, dispār, cūr,
As long must needs be cited here,
With words from Greek that end in er;
Though ’mong the Latins from this fate are
These two exempted – patĕr, matĕr;
Short in the final er we state ’em,
Namely, “auctoritate vatum.”
 
 
Now, s, the Eton Grammar says,
Ends words in just as many ways
As there are vowels – five – as thus
In order, as, es, is, os, us.
 
 
As, in a general way appears
Long unto all but asses’ ears,
But some Greek words take care to mark as
Short, – for example – Pallăs, Arcăs —
And nouns increasing plural sport
An as accusative that’s short.
 
 
Es in the main’s a long affair,
Anchisēs, such, and patrēs are,
Though of the third declension you
As short such substantives must view,
The genitives of which increase,
Derived from nominatives in es,
And have an accent short upon
The syllable that’s last but one.
As milĕs, segĕs, divĕs, (which
Means what a Poet is n’t,) – rich:
But pēs is long, with bipēs, tripēs,
Like to a hermit munching dry pease.
To these add Cerēs, Saturn’s cub,
(Name of a goddess, and for grub
The figure Metonymy through,)
And ariēs, abiēs, pariēs, too.
Sum with its compounds forming ĕs,
Are short, join penĕs, if you please,
Item Cyclopĕs Naiadĕs.
Greek nominatives and plural neuters,
For lists of which consult your tutors.
 
 
Is, we call short, as Parĭs, tristĭs,
Save all such words as mensīs, istīs.
Plurals oblique that end in is,
Adding thereto for quibus quīs.
The is in Samnīs long by right is
Because its genitive’s Samnītis,
Where you observe a lengthened state
Of syllable penultimate.
The same to all such words applies,
And īs contracted, meaning eis,
Long too, – and pray remember this
Are monosyllables in is.
Save ĭs the nominative pronoun,
And quĭs, and bĭs, which last is no noun.
 
 
When verbs by is concluded are,
In second person singular;
But in the plural itis make,
The is is long, and no mistake —
Provided always that the pe-
Nultimate plural long shall be.
 
 
Os, saving compŏs, impŏs, ŏs
Is long – as honōs dominōs.
The Greek omicron ’s short, and that in
All conscience must be so in Latin.
 
 
Words should be short in us, unless
Authority has laid a stress
On the penultimate of any
Word that increases in the geni-
Tive case when us is long, the same
Pronunciation nouns may claim —
Declined like gradūs or like manūs
Though here exceptions still detain us.
The first case and the fifth are those
Singular; short as monkey’s nose.
Long are mūs, crūs, and thūs and sūs
All monosyllables in ūs,
And Grecian nouns by diphthong ous,
Translated us by men of nous.
 
 
Lastly, all words in u are long,
And so we end our classic song.
 

And not our song only, but our work – the companion of our solitude – the object of our cares – for which alone we live, for which we consumed our midnight oil; and not only that, but also burnt a great deal of daylight. – Our work, we say, is ended – and such as it is we commit it to the world. Horace says Carm. Lib. iii, Ode XXX. (an ode which by some strange association of ideas, is always connected in our mind with the visionary image of a jug of ale,) “Exegi monumentum ære perennius,” I have perfected a work more durable than brass. Whether our production is characterized by the durability of that metal or not, is a question which we leave to the decision of posterity; we cannot, however, help thinking that, considering the boldness of our attempt, it possesses figuratively at least, something in common with the substance in question – and we would fain hope that that something does not consist in hardness.