The Comic Latin Grammar: A new and facetious introduction to the Latin tongue

Coachman’s Lament

Air. – “Oh give me but my Arab steed.”

 
Farewell my ribbons, and, alack!
Farewell my tidy drag;
Mail-coach-men now have got the sack,
And engineers the bag.
 
 
My heart and whip alike are broke —
I’ve lost my varmint team
That used to cut away like smoke,
But could n’t go like steam.
 
 
It is, indeed, a bitter cup,
Thus to be sent to pot;
My bosom boils at boiling up
A gallop or a trot.
 
 
My very brain with fury ’s rack’d,
That railways are the rage;
I’m sure you’ll never find them act,
Like our old English stage.
 
 
A man whose passion ’s crost, is sore,
Then pray excuse my pet;
I ne’er was overturn’d before,
But now am quite upset.
 

These nominative cases are excepted from the above rule, meum, mine, tuum, thine, suum, his, noster, our, vester, your, humanum, human, belluinum brutal, and the like, as

Non est tuum aviam instruere:

Don’t teach your grandmother – to suck eggs.

Humanum est inebriari.

It is a human frailty – or an amiable weakness – to get drunk.

Lord Byron proves it to be a human frailty.

“Man being reasonable, must get drunk.”

Another poet (anon.) proves it to be an amiable one, by establishing the analogy which exists between it and an intoxication of another kind —

 
“Love is like a dizziness,
Never lets a poor man go about his business.”
 

Verbs of accusing, condemning, advising, acquitting, and the like, require a genitive case which signifies the charge; as

Qui alterum accusat probri, eum ipsum se intueri oportet.

It is fit that he who accuses another of dishonesty should look into himself.

If this maxim were acted up to, what attorney could we ever get to frame an indictment?

Furti damnatus, “tres menses” adeptus est:

Being condemned of theft, he had “three months.”

We do not see much fun in that. We cannot help thinking, however, that “Three Months at Brixton,” would form a taking (at least a thief-taking) title for a novel.

Admoneto magistrum squalidarum vestium:

Put the master in mind of his seedy clothes.

That is if you want a good dressing.

This genitive case is sometimes changed into an ablative, either with or without a preposition, as

Putavi de calendis Aprilibus te esse admonendum:

I thought that you ought to be reminded of the first of April.

Young reader! were you ever, on the above anniversary, sent to the cobbler’s for pigeons’ milk, and dismissed with strap-oil for your pains? Were your domestic and alimentive affections ever sported with by the false intelligence that a letter from home and a large cake were waiting for you below! Or worse, did some waggish, but inconsiderate friend ever send you a fool’s-cap and a hamper of stones?

Reader, of a more advanced age, were you ever? – but we cannot go on – Oh! Matilda – we might have been your slave– but it was cruel of you to sell us in such a manner.

Uterque, both, nullus, none, alter, the other, neuter, neither of the two, alius, another, ambo, both, and the superlative degree, are joined to verbs of that kind only in the ablative case, as

Fratris, an asini, trucidationis accusas me? Utroque, sed sceleris unius:

Do you accuse me of killing my brother or my donkey? Of both; but of one crime.

Satago, to be busy about a thing, misereor and miseresco, to pity, require a genitive case, as

Qui ducit uxorem rerum satagit:

He who marries a wife has his hands full of business.

We hear frequently of lovers being distracted. Husbands are much more so.

O! tergi miserere mei non digna ferentis:

Oh! have pity on my back, suffering things undeserved.

Reminiscor, to remember, obliviscor, to forget, memini, to remember, recorder, to call to mind, admit a genitive or accusative case, as

Reminiscere nonarum Novembrium:

Remember the fifth of November.

No wonder that so many squibs are let off on that day; considering the political feeling connected with it.

Hoc te spectantem me meminisse precor:

When this you see remember me.

How particularly anxious all young men and women who are lovers, and all waiters and chambermaids, whether they are lovers or no, besides coachmen and porters of all kinds, seem to be remembered. A coachman in one respect especially resembles a lover; he always wishes to be remembered by his fare.

Potior, to gain, is joined either to a genitive or to an ablative case, as

Xantippe, marito subacto, femoralium potita fuit.

Xantippe, her husband being overcome, gained the breeches.

Terentius Thrace potitus est:

Terence got a Tartar.

At least he said he did, when he took the prisoner who would n’t let him come.

The Dative Case after the Verb

All verbs govern a dative case of that thing to or for which any thing is gotten or taken away, as

Diminuam tibi caput:

I will break your head.

Eheu! mihi circulum ademit!

Oh dear, he has taken away my hoop!

What a thing it is to be a junior boy!

Verbs of various kinds belong to the above rule. In the first place verbs signifying advantage or disadvantage govern a dative case, as

Judæi ad commodandum nobis vivunt:

The Jews live to accommodate us.

Or accommodate us to live – which?

Of these juvo, lædo, delecto, and some others, require an accusative case, as

Maritum quies plurimum juvat:

Rest very much delighteth a married man – when he can get it.

Verbs of comparing govern a dative case, as

Ajacem “Surdo” componere sæpe solebam:

I was often accustomed to compare Ajax to the “Deaf un,” – not because he was hard of hearing, but hard in hitting.

Sometimes, however, they require an ablative case with the preposition cum; sometimes an accusative case with the prepositions ad and inter, as

Comparo Pompeium cum globo nivali:

I compare Pompey with a snow-ball.

Pompey is called in the schools a proper name. Whether it is a proper name for a nigger or not, may be questioned. It may also be doubted whether a negro can ever rightly be called “snow-ball,” except he be an ice man; in which case even though he should be the knave of clubs, it is obvious that he ought never to be black balled.

Si ad pensum verberatio comparetur nihil est:

If a flogging be compared to an imposition, it is nothing.

A flogging is a fly-blow, or at least a flea-blow to the boy, and a task only to the master; whereas an imposition is a task to the boy, and very often a verse task.

Verbs of giving and of restoring govern a dative case, as

Learius unicuique filiarum dimidium coronæ dedit:

Lear gave his daughters half-a-crown a-piece.

Hence we are enabled to gain some notion of the great value of money in the time of the Ancient Britons.

Verbs of promising and of paying govern a dative case; as

Menelaus Paridi fustuarium promisit:

Menelaus promised Paris a drubbing.

“Gubernatoris” est pendere sartoribus pecuniam:

It is the place of “the governor” to pay tailors.

Hence young men may learn how desirable it is to be “in statu pupillari.” True, in that state of felicity, they are somewhat under control, but the above example, and many others of a like nature, sufficiently prove, that such restriction, compared to the responsibilities of manhood, is but a minor inconvenience.

Verbs of commanding and telling govern a dative case, as

Alexander, vinosus, animis imperare non potuit:

Alexander, when drunk, could not command his temper.

Thus, in a state of beer, he committed manslaughter at least, by killing and slaying his friend Clitus. We could not resist the temptation to mention this fact, since, as we have so often laughed at its narration in those interesting compositions called themes, we thought there must needs be something very funny about it. Alexander the Great, be it remarked, for the special behoof of schoolboys, furnishes an example of any virtue or vice descanted on in any prose task or poem under the sun.

 
Antonio dixit Augustus Lepidum veteratorem fuisse.
Augustus told Antony that Lepidus was a humbug.
 

We don’t know exactly where this historical fact is mentioned. Lepidus is a funny name.

Except, from the foregoing rule, rego, to rule, guberno, to govern, which have an accusative case; tempero and moderor, to rule, which have sometimes a dative, sometimes an accusative case; as

Luna regit ministros:

The moon rules the ministers.

That is to say, when it is at the full, and resembles a great O.

Præco pauperes gubernat:

The beadle governs the paupers.

Non semper temperat ipse sibi:

He does not always govern himself.

Non animos mollit proprios, nec temperat iras:

He neither softens his own mind, nor tempers his anger.

Ecce, Ducrow moderatur equos:

Lo, Ducrow manages the horses.

Q. Why is a general officer like a writing-master?

A. Because he is a ruler of lines.

Verbs of trusting govern a dative case, as

Credite, fœmineæ, juvenes, committere menti,

Nil nisi lene decet.

Believe me, young men, it is fit to entrust nothing to a female mind but what is soft.

In fact, soft nothings are fittest for the ear of a lady.

Pomarius poetæ non credit:

The costermonger trusts not the poet.

How wrong, therefore, it is to call him a green grocer.

Verbs of complying with and of opposing govern a dative case, as

Nunquam obtemperat tiro hodiernus magistro:

A modern apprentice never obeys his master.

Verbs of threatening and of being angry govern a dative case, as

Utrique latronum mortem est minitatus:

He threatened death to both of the robbers, —

By presenting a pistol right and left at each of them. This when done by some well-disposed sailor in a melodrame, constitutes a situation of thrilling interest.

Sum with its compounds, except possum, governs a dative case, as

Oculi nigri non semper sunt faciei ornamentum:

Black eyes are not always an ornament to the face.

Verbs compounded with these adverbs, bene, well, satis, enough, male, ill, and with these prepositions, præ, ad, con, sub, ante, post, ob, in, inter, for the most part govern a dative case, as

Saginatio multis hominibus benefacit:

Cramming does good to many men.

For instance, it does good to aldermen, especially in these days of reform, by enlarging the Corporation. Cramming, or rather the effect of it, benefits medical men, who again do good to their patients by cramming them in another way. There is also a species of cramming which is found very serviceable at the Universities, by enabling certain students to pass in a crowd.

In this respect however it differs essentially from aldermanic cramming, which enhances the difficulty of such a feat in a very remarkable manner.

Puellæ, aliæ aliis prælucere student:

Girls endeavour to outshine one another.

And yet they make light, as much as they can, of each other’s charms and accomplishments.

Intempestive parum longe prospicienti Doctori adlusit.

He joked unseasonably on the short-sighted Doctor.

Johnson was not so short-sighted as to be blind to a joke.

Not a few of the verbs mentioned in the last rule, sometimes change the dative into another case; as

Præstat ingenio alius alium:

One exceeds another in ability.

Thus one boy learns Latin and Greek better than the rest; another learns slang. One is a good hand at construing, another at climbing. Some boys are peculiarly skilled at casting accounts, others in casting stones. Here we have a boy of a small appetite and many words, there one of a large appetite and few words. Sometimes precocious talent is evinced for playing the fiddle, sometimes for playing a stick; sometimes, again, a strong propensity is discovered for playing the fool. This boy makes verses, as it were, by inspiration; that boy shows an equal capacity in making mouths. The most peculiar talent, however, and the one most exclusive of all others, is that of riding. Those who are destined to attain great proficiency in this science, can seldom do any thing else; and usually begin their career by being horsed at school.

Est, for habeo to have, governs a dative case, as

Est mihi qui vestes custodit avunculus omnes:

I have an uncle who takes care of all my clothes.

Suppetit, it sufficeth, is like to this, as

Pauper enim non est cui rerum suppetit usus:

For he is not poor, to whom the use of things suffices.

The two last examples must suggest a rather alarming idea to those who are accustomed to propitiate the relation to whom we have just alluded, by relinquishing their habits. Is it possible that he can ever use one’s things? We recommend this query to the serious consideration of theatrical persons, and all others who are addicted to spouting.

Sum with many others admits a double dative case, as

Exitio est avidis alvus pueris:

The belly is the destruction of greedy boys.

Particularly those of Eton College.

Sometimes this dative case tibi, or sibi, or also mihi, is added for the sake of elegance in expression, as

Cato suam sibi uxorem Hortensio vendidit:

Cato sold his own wife to Hortensius.

Some say he only lent her. The fact most probably is, that the lady, being tired of her husband, wished to be a-loan.

The Accusative Case after the Verb

Verbs transitive, of what kind soever, whether active, deponent, or common, require an accusative case, as

Procuratorem fugito, nam subdolus idem est:

Avoid an attorney, for the same is a cunning rogue.

Yet the legal profession are always boasting of their deeds.

Verbs neuter have an accusative case of a like signification to themselves, as

Pomarii asinus duram servit servitutem:

A coster-monger’s donkey serves a hard servitude.

Poor animal! A Sterne heart was once melted by thy sufferings – how then must they affect that of the gentle reader?

There are some verbs which have an accusative case by a figure, as

Nec vox hominem sonat;

Nor does your voice sound like a human creature’s.

This may be said of boys of various kinds – as pot-boys, butcher’s boys, baker’s boys, and other boys who are in the habit of bawling down areas; also of several descriptions of men, as cab-men, coach-men, watch-men, and dust-men. The same may likewise be asserted of some women, such as apple-women, oyster-women, fish-women, and match-women. Here also the singing of charity children of both sexes, and the voices of parish-clerks, may be specified, and, lastly, of many foreigners whose names terminate in ini.

Verbs of asking, of teaching, of clothing, and of concealing, commonly govern two accusative cases, as

Ego docebo te, adolescentule, lectiones tuas:

I’ll teach you your lessons, young man.

This speech is usually the prelude to something which elicits that exemplification of the vocative case which has been given in the first part of the Grammar.

Some verbs of this kind have an accusative case even in the passive voice, as

Bis denos posceris versus de scoparum manubrio:

You are required to make twenty verses on a broomstick.

Why should not a broomstick form the subject of a poetical effusion, when the material of the broom itself is so often used in schools to stimulate inventive genius?

Nouns appellative are commonly added with a preposition to verbs which denote motion, as

Interea ad templum non æquæ Palladis ibant

Crinibus Iliades passis. Virgil.

In the mean time the Trojan woman went to the temple of unfriendly Pallas with their hair about their ears.

How odd they must have looked. Here we take occasion to remind schoolboys never to lose an opportunity of giving a comic rendering to any word or phrase susceptible thereof, which they may meet with in the course of their reading. To say “crinibus passis”, – “with dishevelled hair” would be to give a very feeble and spiritless translation. Vir is literally construed man; some school-masters will have it called hero, – we propose to translate it cove. So dapes may be rendered grub, or perhaps prog; aspera Juno, crusty Juno; animam efflare, to kick the bucket; capere fugam, to cut one’s stick, or lucky; confectus, knocked up; fraudatus, choused; contundere, to whop, &c. &c.

The Ablative Case after the Verb

Every verb admits an ablative case, signifying the instrument, or the cause, or the manner of an action, as

Pulvere nitrato Catilina senatum subruere voluit:

Catiline wished to blow up the Parliament. Catiline was a regular Guy.

A noun of price is put after some words in the ablative case, as

Ovidius solidis duobus fibulas siphonem ascendere fecit:

Ovid pawned his buckles for two shillings.

The sipho was a tube, pipe, or spout, projecting from the shops of pawnbrokers, of whom there is every reason to believe that there were a great many in ancient Rome. Into this sipho the pledges were placed in order to be conveyed to the adytum or secret recess of the dwelling. Vide Casaubon de Avunc: Roman.

Vili, at a low rate, paulo, for little, minimo, for very little, magno, for much, nimio, for too much, plurimo, for very much, dimidio, for half, duplo, for twice as much, are often put by themselves, the word, pretio, price, being understood, as

Vili venit cibus caninus:

Dog’s meat is sold at a low rate.

These genitive cases put without substantives are excepted, tanti, for so much, quanti, for how much, pluris, for more, minoris, for less, quantivis, for as much as you please, tantidem, for just so much, quantilibet, for what you will, quanticunque for how much soever, as

Non es tanti: You’re no great shakes.

Flocci, of a lock of wool, nauci, of a nut-shell, nihili, of nothing, assis, of a penny, pili, of a hair, hujus, of this, teruncii, of a farthing, are added very properly to verbs of esteeming, as

Nec verberationem flocci pendo, nec ferulâ percussionem pili æstimo:

I don’t value a flogging a straw, nor do I regard a spatting a hair.

A boy who can say this, must have a brazen front, and an iron back, and be altogether a lad of mettle.

Verbs of abounding, of filling, of loading, and their contraries, are joined to an ablative case, as

Tauris abundat Hibernia:

Ireland aboundeth in bulls.

This circumstance it most probably was which gave rise to the Tales of the O’Hara family.

We once heard a son of Erin, while undergoing the operation of bleeding from the arm, remark that that would be an easy way of cutting one’s throat.

Some of these sometimes govern a genitive case, as

Optime ostrearum implebantur:

They had a capital blow out of oysters.

We are sorry to remark that these are the only native productions patronized by great people.

Fungor, to discharge, fruor, to enjoy, utor, to use, vescor, to live upon, dignor, to think one’s self worthy, muto, to change, communico, to communicate, supersedeo, to pass by, are joined to an ablative case, as

Qui adipisci cœnas optimas volet, leonis fungatur officiis.

He who shall desire to obtain excellent dinners, should discharge the office of a lion.

In which case he will come in for the “lion’s share.”

Q. Why is the lion of a party like one of the grand sources of prejudice mentioned by Lord Bacon?

A. Because he is the Idol of the den.

Mereor, to deserve, with these adverbs, bene, well, satis, enough, male, ill, melius, better, pejus, worse, optime, very well, pessime, very ill, is joined to an ablative case with the preposition de, as

De libitinario medicus bene meretur:

The doctor deserves well of the undertaker.

Notwithstanding it might at first sight appear, that the doctor, in furnishing funerals, invades the undertaker’s province.

Some verbs of receiving, of being distant, and of taking away, are sometimes joined to a dative case, as

Augustus eripuit mihi nitorem:

Augustus has taken the shine out of me.

Last Dying Speech of M. Antony.

An ablative case, taken absolutely, is added to some verbs, as

Porcis volentibus lætissime epulabimur:

Please the pigs we’ll have a jolly good dinner.

The pig had divine honours paid to it by the ancient Greeks. – Jos. Scalig. de Myst. Eleusin.

An ablative case of the part affected, and by the poets an accusative case, is added to some verbs, as

Qui animo ægrotat, eum aera risum moventem ducere oportet.

He who is sick in mind should breathe the laughing gas.

Much learned controversy has been expended in endeavouring to determine whether this gas was the exhalation by which it is supposed that the ancient Pythonesses were affected.

Some of these words are used also with the genitive case, as

Angitur animi juvenis iste, et mundum indignatur.

That young man is grieved in mind and disgusted with the world.

Such a man is called by the ladies an interesting young man.

Verbs Passive

An ablative case of the doer (but with the preposition a or ab going before), and sometimes also a dative case, is added to verbs passive, as

Darius eleganter ab Alexandro victus est:

Darius was elegantly licked by Alexander.

The other cases continue to belong to verbs passive which belonged to them as verbs active, as

Titanes læsæ majestatis accusati sunt:

The Titans were indicted for high treason.

And being found guilty were quartered in a very uncomfortable manner, as well as drawn by various artists, whose skill in execution has been much commended.

Vapulo, to be beaten, veneo, to be sold, liceo, to be prized, exulo, to be banished, fio, to be made, neuter passives, have a passive construction, as

A præceptore vapulabis. Eton Gram.

You will be beaten by the master.

It appears to us that vapulo, to be beaten, is here at all events more susceptible of a passive construction than a funny one.

Malo a cive spoliari quam ab hoste venire. Eton Gram.

I had rather be stripped by a citizen than sold by an enemy.

The Romans were regularly sold by the enemy for once, when they had to go under the yoke.

Verbs of the Infinitive Mood

Verbs of the infinitive mood are put after some verbs, participles, and adjectives, and substantives also by the poets, as

Timotheus ursos saltare fecit:

Timotheus made the bears dance.

This was done in ancient as it is in modern times, by playing the Pandean pipes.

Inconcinnus erat cerni Telamonius Ajax;

Ajax (ut referunt) vir bonus ire minor:

The Telamonian Ajax was a rum un to look at;

The lesser Ajax (as they say) a good un to go.

The Grecians used to call Ajax senior, the fighting cock, and Ajax junior, the running cock.

Verbs of the infinitive mood are sometimes placed alone by the figure ellipsis, as

Siphonum de more oculis demittere fluctus Dardanidæ:

The Trojans (began understood) to pipe their eyes.

As for Æneas he might have been a town crier.

Gerunds and Supines

govern the cases of their own verbs, as

Efferor studio pulices industrios videndi:

I am transported with the desire of seeing the industrious fleas.

“When Dido found Æneas would not come,

She mourned in silence, and was Di-do-dum.”

Gerunds in di have the same construction as genitive cases, and depend both on certain substantives and adjectives, as

Londinensem innatus amor civem urget edendi:

An innate love of eating excites the London citizen.

People are accustomed to utter a great deal of cant about the intellectual poverty of civic magistrates, and common councilmen in general; but it must be allowed that those respectable individuals have often a great deal in them.

Gerunds in do have the same construction with ablative, and gerunds in dum with accusative cases, as

Scribendi ratio conjuncta cum loquendo est:

The means of writing are joined with speaking.

Some things are written precisely after the writer’s way of speaking. We once, for example, saw the following notice posted in a gentleman’s preserve.

Locus ad agendum amplissimus:

A place very honourable to plead in.

It may be questioned whether ЯЯЯCicero would have said this of the Old Bailey.

When necessity is signified, the gerund in dum is used without a preposition, the verb est being added.

Cavendum est ne deprênsus sis:

You must take care you ’re not caught out.

A piece of advice of special importance to schoolboys on many occasions, such as the following: shirking down town; making devils, or letting off gunpowder behind the school, or in the yard; conducting a foray or predatory excursion in gardens and orchards; emulating Jupiter, à la Salmoneus, – in his attribute of Cloud-Compelling – by blowing a cloud, or to speak in the vernacular, indulging in a cigar; hoisting a frog; tailing a dog or cat, or in any other way acting contrary to the precepts of the Animals’ Friend Society; learning to construe on the Hamiltonian system; furtively denuding the birch-rods of their “budding honours.” Cum multis aliis quæ nunc perscribere longum est.

Gerunds are also changed into nouns adjective, as

Ad faciendos versus molestum est:

It is a bore to make verses.

This being a self-evident proposition, we shall not enlarge upon it.

The supine in um signifies actively, and follows a verb expressing motion to a place, as

Spectatum veniunt, veniunt spectentur ut ipsæ:

They come to see, they come that they themselves may be seen.

So said, or sung the poet Ovid. Was there an opera at Rome in his time?

The supine in u signifies passively, and follows nouns adjective, as

Quod olfactu fœdum est, idem est et esu turpe:

That which is foul to be smelled, is also nasty to be eaten.

Except venison, onions, and cheese.

Nouns of time and Place

Time

Tempus – time. There is a story, mentioned (we quote from memory) by the learned Joe Miller; of a fellow who seeing “Tempus Fugit” inscribed upon a clock, took it for the name of the artificer.

Persons who have lived a long time in the world, are generally accounted sage; and are sometimes considered to have had a good seasoning.

Nouns which signify a part of time are put more commonly in the ablative case, as

Nemo mortalium omnibus horis sapit:

No mortal man is wise at all hours.

The excuse of a philosopher for getting married.

But nouns which signify the duration of time are commonly put in the accusative case, as

Pugna inter juvenem Curtium et Titum Sabinum tres horas perduravit.

The fight between young Curtius and Sabine Titus lasted three hours.

It is an error to suppose that Roman mills were only water-mills and wind-mills. The above mill must have been rather a “winder” though, and must have cost the combatants much pains.

We say also: in paucis diebus, in a few days: de die, by day, de nocte, by night, &c.

A jest upon the nouns of Time would, perhaps, be somewhat ill timed: we hope, however, to have Space for one presently.

The Space of a Place

The space of a place is put in the accusative, and sometimes also in the ablative, as

Cæsar jam mille passus processerat, summâ diligentiâ.

Cæsar had now advanced a mile with the greatest diligence —

not on the top of the vehicle so named, as a young gentleman was once flogged for saying.

Qui non abest a scholâ centenis millibus passuum, balatronem novi.

I know a blackguard who is not absent a hundred miles from the school.

“Cantare et apponere” to sing and apply, is the maxim we would here inculcate on our youthful readers.

Every verb admits a genitive case of the name of a city or town in which any thing takes place, so that it be of the first or second declension, and of the singular number, as

Quid Romæ faciam? mentiri nescio:

What shall I do at Rome? I know not how to lie.

What a bare-faced perversion of the truth that cock and bull story is of Curtius jumping into the hole in the forum. How the Romans managed to get credit from any body but the tailors is to us a mystery.

These genitive cases, humi, on the ground, domi, at home, militiæ, in war, belli, in war, follow the construction of proper names, as

Parvi sunt foris arma nisi est consilium domi:

Arms are of little worth abroad unless there be wisdom at home.

Cicero must have said this with a prospective eye to Canada.