The Comic Latin Grammar: A new and facetious introduction to the Latin tongue

OF MOODS

Moods in verbs are like moods in man, they have each of them a peculiar expression. Here, however, the resemblance stops. Man has many moods, verbs have but five. For instance, we observe in men the merry mood, the doleful mood, (or dumps), the shy, timid, or sheepish mood, the bold, or bumptious mood, the placid mood, the angry mood, whereto may be added the vindictive mood, and the sulky mood; the sober mood, as contradistinguished from both the serious and the drunken mood; or as blended with the latter, in which case it may be called the sober-drunk mood – the contented mood, the grumbling mood; the sympathetic mood, the sarcastic mood, the idle mood, the working mood, the communicative mood, the secretive mood, and the moods of all the phrenological organs; besides the monitory or mentorial mood, and the mendacious, or lying mood, with the imaginative, poetical, or romantic mood, the compassionate, or melting mood, and many other moods too tedious to mention.

We must not however omit the flirting mood, the teazing or tantalizing mood, the giggling mood, the magging or talkative mood, and the scandalizing mood, which are peculiarly observable in the fair sex.

The moods of verbs are the following:

1. The indicative mood, which either affirms a fact or asks a question, as Ego amo, I do love. Amas tu? Dost thou love?

The long and short of all courtships are contained in these two examples.

2. The imperative mood, which commandeth, or entreateth. This two-fold character of the imperative mood is often exemplified in schools, the command being on the part of the master, and the entreaty on that of the boy – as thus, Veni huc! Come hither! Parce mihi! Spare me! The imperative mood is also known by the sign let– as in the well-known verse in the song Dulce Domum —

“Eja! nunc eamus.”

“Hurrah! now let us be off” – meaning for the vacation. N.B. This mood is one much in the mouth of beadles, boatswains, bashaws, majors, magistrates, slave drivers, superintendents, serjeants, and jacks-in-office of all descriptions – monitors, especially, and præfects of public schools, are very fond of using it on all occasions.

3. The potential mood signifies power or duty. The signs by which it is known are, may, can, might, would, could, should, or ought – as, Amem, I may love (when I leave school). Amavissem, I should have loved (if I had not known better,) and the like.

4. The subjunctive differs from the potential only in being always governed by some conjunction or indefinite word, and in being subjoined to some other verb going before it in the same sentence – as Cochleare eram cum amarem, I was a spoon when I loved – Nescio qualis sim hoc ipso tempore, I don’t know what sort of a person I am at this very time.

The propriety of the above expression “cochleare,” will be explained in a Comic System of Rhetoric, which perhaps may appear hereafter.

5. The infinitive mood is like a gentleman’s cab, because it has no number.

We have not made up our minds exactly, whether to compare it to the “picture of nobody” mentioned in the Tempest, or to the “picture of ugliness,” which young ladies generally call their successful rivals. It may be like one, or the other, or both, because it has no person.

Neither has it a nominative case before it; nor, indeed, has it any more business with one than a toad has with a side pocket.

It is commonly known by the sign to. As, for example – Amare, to love; Desipere, to be a fool; Nubere, to marry; Pœnitere, to repent.

OF GERUNDS AND SUPINES

Ever anxious to encourage the expansion of youthful minds, by as general a cultivation as possible of the various faculties, we beg to invite attention to the following combination of Grammar, Poetry, and Music.

Air. – Believe me if all those endearing young charms. – Moore

 
The gerunds of verbs end in di, do, and dum,
But the supines of verbs are but two;
For instance, the active, which endeth in um,
And the passive which endeth in u.
 
 
Amandi, of loving, kind reader, beware;
Amando, in loving, be brief;
Amandum, to love, if you ’re doom’d, have a care,
In the goblet to drown all your grief.
 
 
Amatum, Amatu, to love and be loved,
Should it be your felicitous (?) lot,
May the fuel so needful be never removed
Which serves to keep boiling the pot.
 

OF TENSES

In verbs there are five tenses, or times, expressing an action, or affirmation.

1. The present tense, or time. There is no time (or tense) like the present. It expresses an action now taking place. Examples – Act. I love, or am loving. Amo, I am loving. —Pass. I am made drunk, or am drunk. Inebrior, I am drunk.

2. The preterimperfect tense denotes something, or a state of things, partly, but not entirely past. – Examp. I did love or was loving. Amabam, I was loving. I was made drunk an hour ago. Inebriabar, I was made drunk.

3. The preterperfect tense expresses a thing lately done, but now ended. – Examp. I have loved, or I loved. Amavi, I loved. I have been made drunk, or have been drunk. Inebriatus sum, I have been drunk.

4. The preterpluperfect tense refers to a thing done at some time past, but now ended. – Examp. Amaveram, I had loved. Inebriatus eram, I had been drunk.

5. The future tense relates to a thing to be done hereafter, as, Amabo, I shall or will love. Inebriabor, I shall get drunk – say to-morrow.

OF NUMBERS AND PERSONS

Verbs have two numbers. No. 1, Singular, No. 2, Plural.

In most matters it is usual to pay exclusive attention to number one. In learning the verbs, however, it is necessary to regard equally number two. – The persons of verbs are generally considered very disagreeable. Verbs have three persons in each number. Thus, for instance, at a dancing academy —

At an academy on Free-knowledge-ical principles – or a Comic Academy.

Laughter, too, is very common at other academies, but generally occurs on the wrong side of the mouth. The right sort of laughter (which may be presumed to be on the right side of the mouth), is most frequent about the time of the holidays. What does the song say?

 
“Ridet annus, prata rident
Nosque rideamus.”
 
 
“The year laughs, the meadows laugh, – suppose we have a laugh as well.”
 

Note– That all nouns are of the third person except Ego, Nos, Tu, and Vos. Hence we see how absurdly the man who drew a couple of donkeys acted in endeavouring to prevail upon us to call the picture “We Three” —Ille, he, – may, perhaps, have been qualified to make a third person in the group, and have “written himself down an ass” with some correctness. Ego, I, and Nos, we, have certainly nothing in common with that animal, and it is to be hoped that neither Tu, thou, nor Vos, ye, can be said to partake of his nature.

Note also. That all nouns of the vocative case are of the second person. So that if we should say, O asine, O thou donkey; or O asini, O ye donkeys, we should have grammar at least on our side.

Be it your care to prevent us from having justice also.

Of the Verb Esse, to be

Before other verbs are declined, it is necessary to learn the verb Esse, to be. And before we teach the verb Esse, to be, it is necessary to make a few remarks on verbs in general.

In the first place we have to observe, that they are rather difficult; and in the next, that if any one expects that we are going to consider them in detail, he is very much mistaken.

But our skipping a very considerable portion of the verbs, is no reason why boys should do the same. Were we all to follow the examples of our teachers, instead of attending to their precepts, where would be the world by this time?

Whirling away, no doubt, far from the respectable society of the neighbouring planets, and blundering about right and left, pell-mell, helter-skelter among the fixed stars – itself, “and all which it inherit” in that glorious state of confusion so admirably described by the poet Ovid —

“Quem dixere Chaos,”

which men have called Shaos. It would indeed be little better than a broken down Shay-horse.

But “revenons à nos moutons,” that is, let us get back to our verbs. We recommend the most attentive and diligent study of all of them as set forth in the Eton Grammar, assisted by that kind of association of ideas, of which we shall now proceed to give a few specimens.

Sum, es, fui, esse, futurus, to be, – or not to be – that is the question.

Rule 1. To each person of a verb, singular and plural, join a noun, according to your taste or comic talent. Should you be deficient in the inventive faculty, apply for assistance to one of the senior boys, which, in consideration of your fagging for him, he will readily give you. If yourself a senior boy, apply to the master.

We would proceed in this way with Sum, but that we are afraid of being tire-sum.

The consideration of which three things leads us to

Rule 2. In repeating the different tenses of verbs, be careful to be provided with a short English verse, contrived so as to rhyme with the third person singular, and another to rhyme with the third person plural. In this way your powers of composition as well as of memory will be profitably exercised.

Rule 3. Should you be desired to give the English of each person in the tense which you are repeating, you may (we mean a class of you), follow a plan adopted with great success and striking effect in that kind of dramatic representation entitled “A Grand Opera,” that of singing what you have to say. Hold up your head, turn out your toes, clear your voices, and begin. A-hem!

Verbs Irregular —

Are regular bores. The above Rules are equally applicable to them, and also to the

Defective Verbs;

Concerning which it may be asserted, that though almost all of them have tenses more or less imperfect, there are some which have not a single Imperfect Tense.

Impersonal Verbs

Such as delectat, it delighteth; decet, it becometh, &c., answer to such English verbs as take the word it before them. When we consider that it is a term of endearment used in speaking to babies, as “it’s a pretty dear,” we cannot help thinking that Verbs Impersonal ought to be pet verbs. Such however, is not, as far as we know, the fact.

OF A PARTICIPLE

A participle is a hybrid part of speech; a kind of mongrel-cross, between a noun and a verb. It is two parts verbs, and four parts noun; wherefore its composition may be likened unto the milk sold in and about London, which is usually watered in the proportion of four to two. The properties of the noun belonging to it, are, number, gender, case, and declension; those of the verb, tense, and signification.

As a horse hath four legs, so hath a verb four participles.

Air. – Bonnets of Blue

 
There ’s one of the present, – and then,
There ’s one of the future in rus;
Of the tense preterperfect a third, – and again,
A fourth of the future in dus.
 

Participles are declined like nouns adjective, as – but no! how can we ask our fair (blue) readers to decline a-man’s (amans) loving.

Now here we feel called upon to say a few words on the difference between a man’s loving and a woman’s loving. It has often been a question, whether do men or women love most dearly? To us the matter does not appear to admit of a doubt. We defy any of our male readers to be in love (when they are old and silly enough) for six months without finding themselves most grievously out of pocket. We have a friend who was in that unfortunate condition for about a month, and it cost him at least seven and sixpence a week in fees to the maid servant, and that without once being enabled to exchange a word with the object of his affections. At last he began to think that he was paying rather too dear for his whistle; so he gave it up. What girl would have held on so long, and laid out so much money without a return – not of soft affection, but of hard cash? Women, indeed, instead of loving dearly, love, according to our own experience, particularly cheaply. Think of what they save, by taking their admirers “shopping” with them, in ribands, bracelets, and the like, to say nothing of coach-hire, pastry-cooks, and the price of admission, when they go with them to the play. And we should like to hear of the young lady who in these days would dispose of her hand at any thing less than a good round sum if she could help it – no, no. To love dearly is the precious prerogative of the lords of the creation alone.

But we are forgetting our participles.

The participle of the present tense ends in ans, or ens; as Flagellans, whipping; Lædens, hurting.

That of the future in rus, signifies a likelihood, or design of doing something, as Flagellaturus, about to whip; Læsurus, about to hurt.

That of the preterperfect tense has generally a passive signification, and ends in us, as Flagellatus, whipped; Læsus, hurt.

That of the future in dus has also a passive signification, as Flagellandus, to be whipped; Lædendus, to be hurt.

Note 1. All participles are declined like nouns adjective. We recommend the above participles to be declined like winking.

2. There are three things that are not hurt by whipping – a top, a syllabub, and a cream.

OF AN ADVERB

Convex and concave spectacles are contrivances used to increase or diminish the magnitude of objects.

Adverbs are parts of speech used to increase or diminish the signification of words.

Spectacles are joined to the bridge of the nose.

Adverbs are joined to nouns adjective, and verbs. Benè, well; multùm, much; malè, ill, &c. are adverbs.

Cæsar multûm conturbavit indigenas:

Cæsar much astonished the natives.

OF A CONJUNCTION

A conjunction is a part of speech that joineth together; wherefore it may be likened unto many things; for instance —

To glue, to paste, to gum arabic, to mortar, (for it joins words and sentences together like bricks), to Roman cement, (Latin conjunctions more especially), to white of egg, to isinglass, to putty, to adhesive plaster, to matrimony.

Conjunctions are thus used.

Ova et lardum, eggs and bacon. Dimidium dimidiumque, half-and-half. Amor et dementia, love and madness.

OF A PREPOSITION

A Preposition is a part of speech commonly set before another word. Words, however, do not eat each other, though men have been known to eat words. Ab, ad, ante, &c. prepositions.

Sometimes a preposition is joined in composition with another word, as prostratus, knocked down – floored.

Tullius ab aquario prostratus est:

Tully was knocked down by a waterman.

OF AN INTERJECTION

An interjection is a word expressing a sudden emotion or feeling, as Hei! Oh dear! – Heu! Lack-a-day! – Hem! Brute, Hollo! Brutus. – Euge! Tite, Bravo! Titus.

We here find ourselves approaching the delightful subject of the three Concords, with which we shall make short work, first, for fear of further Accidence, and, secondly, because we are no fonder than boys are of repetitions, which, were we to follow the Eton Grammar in the Concords, we should be obliged to make in the Syntax.

However, there are just one or two points to be mentioned.

Rule. (Text-hand copy-books.) “Ask no questions.”

Exception. When you want to find where the concord should be, ask the following —

Who? or what? – to find the nominative case to the verb.

Whom? or what? with the verb, for the accusative after it.

Who? or what? with the adjective, for the substantive to the adjective.

Who? or what? with the verb, for the antecedent to the relative.

But remember, that the use of the interrogatives who? and what? however justifiable in grammar, is very impertinent in conversation. What, for example, can be more ill-bred than to say, Who are you? Indeed, most questions are ill mannered. We do not speak of such expressions as, Has your mother sold her mangle? and the like, used only by persons who have never asked themselves where they expect to go to? but of all unnecessary demands whatever. “Sir,” said the great Dr. Johnson, “it is uncivil to be continually asking, Why is a dog’s tail short, or why is a cow’s tail long.”

OF THE GENDERS OF NOUNS,

Commonly known by the name of

“Propria Quæ Maribus.”

As the “Propria Quæ Maribus” is no joke, and the “As in Præsenti” is too much of a joke, we must do with them as we did with the verbs. Singing a song is always esteemed a valid substitute for telling a story; and the indulgence which we would have extended to us in this respect, is that universally granted to civilized society.

Let the “Propria Quæ Maribus” be turned into a series of exercises, thus, or in like manner —

Air. – “Here ’s to the maiden of bashful fifteen.”

 
All names of the male kind you masculine call,
Ut sunt (for example), Divorum,
Mars, Bacchus, Apollo, the deities all,
And Cato, Virgilius, virorum.
Latin ’s a bore, and bothers me sore,
Oh how I wish that my lesson was o’er.
 
 
Fluviorum, ut Tibris, Orontes likewise,
Fine rivers in ocean that lost are,
And Mensium – October an instance supplies;
Ventorum, ut Libs, Notus, Auster.
Latin ’s a bore, &c.
 

We do not pretend that the mode of study here recommended, is perfectly original. The genuine Propria Quæ Maribus, and As in Præsenti, like the writings of the most remote antiquity, consist of certain useful truths recorded in harmonious numbers. It has been a question among commentators, whether these interesting compositions were originally intended to be said or sung. Analogy (we mean that derived from the works of Homer and Virgil) would incline us to the latter opinion, which however does not appear to have been generally entertained in the schools. We shall give one more specimen in the above style; and we beg it may be remembered, that in so doing, we have no wish to detract in any way from the merit of the illustrious poet in the Eton Grammar; all we think is, that he might have introduced a little more comicality into his work, while he was about it.

OF THE PRETERPERFECT TENSE, &c. OF VERBS

Otherwise the “As in Præsenti.”

 
As in Præsenti – Preterperfect – avi,
Oh! send me well done, lean, and lots of gravy,
Save lavo, lavi, nexo, nexui.
Ah! me – how sweet is cream with apple-pie,
Juvi from juvo, secui from seco,
Could n’t I lie and tipple, more Græco!
From neco, necui, and mico, word
Which micui makes, Oh! roast goose, lovely bird!
Plico which plicui gives. Delightful grub!
And frico, fricas, fricui, to rub —
So domo, tono, domui, tonui make.
And sono, sonui. – Lead me to the stake,
I mean the beef-stake– crepo, crepui too,
Which means to crack (as roasted chestnuts do,)
Then veto, vetui makes —forbidding sound,
Cubo, to lie along (these verbs confound
Ye gods) makes cubui, do gives rightly dedi;
What viler object than a coat that ’s seedy? —
Sto to form steti has a predilection;
Well – let it if it likes, I’ve no objection.
&c. &c. &c.