Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus

It Is OK to Make Mistakes

The first step for a man in learning how to give more is to realize that it is OK to make mistakes and it is OK to fail and that he doesn’t have to have all the answers.

I remember the story of a woman who complained that her partner would never make a commitment to marriage. To her it seemed that he did not care as much as she did. One day, however, she happened to say that she was so happy being with him. Even if they were poor, she would want to be with him. The next day he proposed. He needed the acceptance and encouragement that he was good enough for her, and then he could feel how much he cared.

Martians Need Love Too

Just as women are sensitive to feeling rejected when they don’t get the attention they need, men are sensitive to feeling that they have failed when a woman talks about problems. This is why it is so hard for him to listen sometimes. He wants to be her hero. When she is disappointed or unhappy over anything, he feels like a failure. Her unhappiness confirms his deepest fear: he is just not good enough. Many women today don’t realize how vulnerable men are and how much they need love too. Love helps him to know that he is enough to fulfill others.

It is difficult for a man to listen to a woman when she is unhappy or disappointed because he feels like a failure.

A young boy who is fortunate enough to see his father succeed in fulfilling his mother enters relationships as an adult with a rare confidence that he can succeed in fulfilling his partner. He is not terrified of commitment because he knows he can deliver. He also knows that when he doesn’t deliver he is still adequate and still deserves love and appreciation for doing his best. He does not condemn himself because he knows he is not perfect and that he is always doing his best and his best is good enough. He is able to apologize for his mistakes because he expects forgiveness, love, and appreciation for doing his best.

He knows that everyone makes mistakes. He saw his father make mistakes and continue to love himself. He witnessed his mother loving and forgiving his father through all his mistakes. He felt her trust and encouragement, even though at times his father had disappointed her.

Many men did not have successful role models while they were growing up. For them staying in love, getting married, and having a family is as difficult as flying a jumbo jet without any training. He may be able to take off, but he is sure to crash. It is difficult to continue flying once you have crashed the plane a few times. Or if you witnessed your father crash. Without a good training manual for relationships, it is easy to understand why many men and women give up on relationships.

5
Speaking Different Languages

When the Martians and Venusians first got together, they encountered many of the problems with relationships we have today. Because they recognized that they were different, they were able to solve these problems. One of the secrets of their success was good communication.

Ironically, they communicated well because they spoke different languages. When they had problems, they would just go to a translator for assistance. Everyone knew that people from Mars and people from Venus spoke different languages, so when there was a conflict they didn’t start judging or fighting but instead pulled out their phrase dictionaries to understand each other more fully. If that didn’t work they went to a translator for help.

The Martian and Venusian languages had the same words, but the way they were used gave different meanings.

You see, the Martian and Venusian languages had the same words, but the way they were used gave different meanings. Their expressions were similar, but they had different connotations or emotional emphasis. Misinterpreting each other was very easy. So when communication problems emerged, they assumed it was just one of those expected misunderstandings and that with a little assistance they would surely understand each other. They experienced a trust and acceptance that we rarely experience today.

EXPRESSING FEELINGS VERSUS EXPRESSING INFORMATION

Even today we still need translators. Men and women seldom mean the same things even when they use the same words. For example, when a woman says “I feel like you never listen,” she does not expect the word never to be taken literally. Using the word never is just a way of expressing the frustration she is feeling at the moment. It is not to be taken as if it were factual information.

To fully express their feelings, women assume poetic license to use various superlatives, metaphors, and generalizations.

To fully express their feelings, women assume poetic license and use various superlatives, metaphors, and generalizations. Men mistakenly take these expressions literally. Because they misunderstand the intended meaning, they commonly react in an unsupportive manner. In the following chart ten complaints easily misinterpreted are listed, as well as how a man might respond unsupportively.

TEN COMMON COMPLAINTS THAT ARE EASILY MISINTERPRETED

You can see how a “literal” translation of a woman’s words could easily mislead a man who is used to using speech as a means of conveying only facts and information. We can also see how a man’s responses might lead to an argument. Unclear and unloving communication is the biggest problem in relationships. The number one complaint women have in relationships is: “I don’t feel heard.” Even this complaint is misunderstood and misinterpreted!

The number one complaint women have in relationships is: “I don’t feel heard.” Even this complaint is misunderstood by men!

A man’s literal translation of “I don’t feel heard” leads him to invalidate and argue with her feelings. He thinks he has heard her if he can repeat what she has said. A translation of a woman saying “I don’t feel heard” so that a man could correctly interpret it is: “I feel as though you don’t fully understand what I really mean to say or care about how I feel. Would you show me that you are interested in what I have to say?”

If a man really understood her complaint then he would argue less and be able to respond more positively. When men and women are on the verge of arguing, they are generally misunderstanding each other. At such times, it is important to rethink or translate what they have heard.

Because many men don’t understand that women express feelings differently, they inappropriately judge or invalidate their partner’s feelings. This leads to arguments. The ancient Martians learned to avoid many arguments through correct understanding. Whenever listening stirred up some resistance, they consulted their Venusian/Martian Phrase Dictionary for a correct interpretation.

WHEN VENUSIANS TALK

The following section contains various excerpts from the lost Venusian/Martian Phrase Dictionary. Each of the ten complaints listed above is translated so that a man can understand their real and intended meaning. Each translation also contains a hint of how she wants him to respond.

You see, when a Venusian is upset she not only uses generalities, and so forth, but also is asking for a particular kind of support. She doesn’t directly ask for that support because on Venus everyone knew that dramatic language implied a particular request.

In each of the translations this hidden request for support is revealed. If a man listening to a woman can recognize the implied request and respond accordingly, she will feel truly heard and loved.

The Venusian/Martian Phrase Dictionary

“We never go out” translated into Martian means “I feel like going out and doing something together. We always have such a fun time, and I love being with you. What do you think? Would you take me out to dinner? It has been a few days since we went out.”

Without this translation, when a woman says “We never go out” a man may hear “You are not doing your job. What a disappointment you have turned out to be. We never do anything together anymore because you are lazy, unromantic, and just boring.”

“Everyone ignores me” translated into Martian means “Today, I am feeling ignored and unacknowledged. I feel as though nobody sees me. Of course I’m sure some people see me, but they don’t seem to care about me. I suppose I am also disappointed that you have been so busy lately. I really do appreciate how hard you are working and sometimes I start to feel like I am not important to you. I am afraid your work is more important than me. Would you give me a hug and tell me how special I am to you?”

Without this translation, when a woman says “Everyone ignores me” a man may hear “I am so unhappy. I just can’t get the attention I need. Everything is completely hopeless. Even you don’t notice me, and you are the person who is supposed to love me. You should be ashamed. You are so unloving. I would never ignore you this way.”

“I am so tired, I can’t do anything” translated into Martian means “I have been doing so much today. I really need a rest before I can do anything more. I am so lucky to have your support. Would you give me a hug and reassure me that I am doing a good job and that I deserve a rest?”

Without this translation, when a woman says “I am so tired, I can’t do anything” a man may hear “I do everything and you do nothing. You should do more. I can’t do it all. I feel so hopeless. I want a ‘real man’ to live with. Picking you was a big mistake.”

“I want to forget everything” translated into Martian means “I want you to know that I love my work and my life but today I am so overwhelmed. I would love to do something really nurturing for myself before I have to be responsible again. Would you ask me ‘What’s the matter?’ and then listen with empathy without offering any solutions? I just want to feel you understanding the pressures I feel. It would make me feel so much better. It helps me to relax. Tomorrow I will get back to being responsible and handling things.”

Without this translation, when a woman says “I want to forget everything” a man may hear “I have to do so much that I don’t want to do. I am so unhappy with you and our relationship. I want a better partner who can make my life more fulfilling. You are doing a terrible job.”

“This house is always a mess” translated into Martian means “Today I feel like relaxing, but the house is so messy. I am frustrated and I need a rest. I hope you don’t expect me to clean it all up. Would you agree with me that it is a mess and then offer to help clean up part of it?”

Without this translation, when a woman says “This house is always a mess” a man may hear “This house is a mess because of you. I do everything possible to clean it up, and before I have finished, you have messed it up again. You are a lazy slob and I don’t want to live with you unless you change. Clean up or clear out!”

“No one listens to me anymore” translated into Martian means “I am afraid I am boring to you. I am afraid you are no longer interested in me. I seem to be very sensitive today. Would you give me some special attention? I would love it. I’ve had a hard day and feel as though no one wants to hear what I have to say.

“Would you listen to me and continue to ask me supportive questions such as: ‘What happened today? What else happened? How did you feel? What did you want? How else do you feel?’ Also support me by saying caring, acknowledging, and reassuring statements such as: ‘Tell me more’ or ‘That’s right’ or ‘I know what you mean’ or ‘I understand.’ Or just listen, and occasionally when I pause make one of these reassuring sounds: ‘oh,’ ‘humph,’ ‘uh-huh,’ and ‘hmmm.’ ” (Note: Martians had never heard of these sounds before arriving on Venus.)

Without this translation, when a woman says “No one listens to me anymore” he may hear “I give you my attention but you don’t listen to me. You used to. You have become a very boring person to be with. I want someone exciting and interesting and you are definitely not that person. You have disappointed me. You are selfish, uncaring, and bad.”

“Nothing is working” translated into Martian means “Today I am so overwhelmed and I am so grateful that I can share my feelings with you. It helps me so much to feel better. Today it seems like nothing I do works. I know that this is not true, but I sure feel that way when I get so overwhelmed by all the things I still have to do. Would you give me a hug and tell me that I am doing a great job. It would sure feel good.”

Without this translation, when a woman says “Nothing is working” a man may hear “You never do anything right. I can’t trust you. If I hadn’t listened to you I wouldn’t be in this mess. Another man would have fixed things, but you made them worse.”

“You don’t love me anymore” translated into Martian means “Today I am feeling as though you don’t love me. I am afraid I have pushed you away. I know you really do love me, you do so much for me. Today I am just feeling a little insecure. Would you reassure me of your love and tell me those three magic words, I love you. When you do that it feels so good.”

Without this translation, when a woman says “You don’t love me anymore” a man may hear “I have given you the best years of my life, and you have given me nothing. You used me. You are selfish and cold. You do what you want to do, for you and only you. You do not care about anybody. I was a fool for loving you. Now I have nothing.”

“We are always in a hurry” translated into Martian means “I feel so rushed today. I don’t like rushing. I wish our life was not so hurried. I know it is nobody’s fault and I certainly don’t blame you. I know you are doing your best to get us there on time and I really appreciate how much you care.

“Would you empathize with me and say something like, ‘It is hard always rushing around. I don’t always like rushing either.’ ”

Without this translation, when a woman says “We are always in a hurry” a man may hear “You are so irresponsible. You wait until the last minute to do everything. I can never be happy when I am with you. We are always rushing to avoid being late. You ruin things every time I am with you. I am so much happier when I am not around you.”

“I want more romance” translated into Martian means “Sweetheart, you have been working so hard lately. Let’s take some time out for ourselves. I love it when we can relax and be alone without the kids around and no work pressures. You are so romantic. Would you surprise me with flowers sometime soon and take me out on a date? I love being romanced.”

Without this translation, when a woman says “I want more romance” a man may hear “You don’t satisfy me anymore. I am not turned on to you. Your romantic skills are definitely inadequate. You have never really fulfilled me. I wish you were more like other men I have been with.”

After using this dictionary for a few years, a man doesn’t need to pick it up each time he feels blamed or criticized. He begins to understand the way women think and feel. He learns that these kinds of dramatic phrases are not to be taken literally. They are just the way women express feeling more fully. That’s the way it was done on Venus and people from Mars need to remember that!

WHEN MARTIANS DON’T TALK

One of the big challenges for men is correctly to interpret and support a woman when she is talking about her feelings. The biggest challenge for women is correctly to interpret and support a man when he isn’t talking. Silence is most easily misinterpreted by women.

The biggest challenge for women is correctly to interpret and support a man when he isn’t talking.

Quite often a man will suddenly stop communicating and become silent. This was unheard of on Venus. At first a woman thinks the man is deaf. She thinks that maybe he doesn’t hear what’s being said and that is why he is not responding.

You see men and women think and process information very differently. Women think out loud, sharing their process of inner discovery with an interested listener. Even today, a woman often discovers what she wants to say through the process of just talking. This process of just letting thoughts flow freely and expressing them out loud helps her to tap into her intuition. This process is perfectly normal and especially necessary sometimes.

But men process information very differently. Before they talk or respond, they first silently “mull over” or think about what they have heard or experienced. Internally and silently they figure out the most correct or useful response. They first formulate it inside and then express it. This process could take from minutes to hours. And to make matters even more confusing for women, if he does not have enough information to process an answer, a man may not respond at all.

Women need to understand that when he is silent, he is saying “I don’t know what to say yet, but I am thinking about it.” Instead what they hear is “I am not responding to you because I don’t care about you and I am going to ignore you. What you have said to me is not important and therefore I am not responding.”

How She Reacts to His Silence

Women misinterpret a man’s silence. Depending on how she is feeling that day she may begin to imagine the very worst—“He hates me, he doesn’t love me, he is leaving me forever.” This may then trigger her deepest fear, which is “I am afraid that if he rejects me then I will never be loved. I don’t deserve to be loved.”

When a man is silent it is easy for a woman to imagine the worst because the only times a woman would be silent are when what she had to say would be hurtful or when she didn’t want to talk to a person because she didn’t trust him anymore and wanted to have nothing to do with him. No wonder women become insecure when a man suddenly becomes quiet!

When a man is silent it is easy for a woman to imagine the worst.

When a woman listens to another woman, she will continue to reassure the speaker that she is listening and that she cares. Instinctively when the speaker pauses the female listener will reassure the speaker by making reassuring responses like “oh, uh-huh, hmmm, ah, ah-ha, or humph.”

Without these reassuring responses, a man’s silence can be very threatening. Through understanding a man’s cave, women can learn to interpret a man’s silence correctly, and to respond to it.