Likewise, if a man does not understand how a woman is different, he can make things worse when he is trying to help. Men need to remember that women talk about problems to get close and not necessarily to get solutions.

So many times a woman just wants to share her feelings about her day, and her husband, thinking he is helping, interrupts her by offering a steady flow of solutions to her problems. He has no idea why she isn’t pleased.

Many times a woman just wants to share her feelings about her day, and her husband, thinking he is helping, interrupts her by offering a steady flow of solutions to her problems.

For example, Mary comes home from an exhausting day. She wants and needs to share her feelings about the day.

She says, “There is so much to do; I don’t have any time for myself.”

Tom says, “You should quit that job. You don’t have to work so hard. Find something you like to do.”

Mary says, “But I like my job. They just expect me to change everything at a moment’s notice.”

Tom says, “Don’t listen to them. Just do what you can do.”

Mary says, “I am! I can’t believe I completely forgot to call my aunt today.”

Tom says, “Don’t worry about it, she’ll understand.”

Mary says, “Do you know what she is going through? She needs me.”

Tom says, “You worry too much, that’s why you’re so unhappy.”

Mary angrily says, “I am not always unhappy. Can’t you just listen to me?”

Tom says, “I am listening.”

Mary says, “Why do I even bother?”

After this conversation, Mary was more frustrated than when she arrived home seeking intimacy and companionship. Tom was also frustrated and had no idea what went wrong. He wanted to help, but his problem-solving tactics didn’t work.

Without knowing about life on Venus, Tom didn’t understand how important it was just to listen without offering solutions. His solutions only made things worse. You see, Venusians never offer solutions when someone is talking. A way of honoring another Venusian is to listen patiently with empathy, seeking truly to understand the other’s feelings.

Tom had no idea that just listening with empathy to Mary express her feelings would bring her tremendous relief and fulfillment. When Tom heard about the Venusians and how much they needed to talk, he gradually learned how to listen.

When Mary now comes home tired and exhausted their conversations are quite different. They sound like this:

Mary says, “There is so much to do. I have no time for me.”

Tom takes a deep breath, relaxes on the exhale, and says, “Humph, sounds like you had a hard day.”

Mary says, “They expect me to change everything at a moment’s notice. I don’t know what to do.”

Tom pauses and then says, “Hmmm.”

Mary says, “I even forgot to call my aunt.”

Tom says with a slightly wrinkled brow, “Oh, no.”

Mary says, “She needs me so much right now. I feel so bad.”

Tom says, “You are such a loving person. Come here, let me give you a hug.”

Tom gives Mary a hug and she relaxes in his arms with a big sigh of relief. She then says, “I love talking with you. You make me really happy. Thanks for listening. I feel much better.”

Not only Mary but also Tom felt better. He was amazed at how much happier his wife was when he finally learned to listen. With this new awareness of their differences, Tom learned the wisdom of listening without offering solutions while Mary learned the wisdom of letting go and accepting without offering unsolicited advice or criticism.

To summarize the two most common mistakes we make in relationships:

1. A man tries to change a woman’s feelings when she is upset by becoming Mr. Fix-It and offering solutions to her problems that invalidate her feelings.

2. A woman tries to change a man’s behavior when he makes mistakes by becoming the home-improvement committee and offering unsolicited advice or criticism.

IN DEFENSE OF MR. FIX-IT AND THE HOME-IMPROVEMENT COMMITTEE

In pointing out these two major mistakes I do not mean that everything is wrong with Mr. Fix-It or the home-improvement committee. These are very positive Martian and Venusian attributes. The mistakes are only in timing and approach.

A woman greatly appreciates Mr. Fix-It, as long as he doesn’t come out when she is upset. Men need to remember that when women seem upset and talk about problems is not the time to offer solutions; instead she needs to be heard, and gradually she will feel better on her own. She does not need to be fixed.

A man greatly appreciates the home-improvement committee, as long as it is requested. Women need to remember that unsolicited advice or criticism—especially if he has made a mistake—makes him feel unloved and controlled. He needs her acceptance more than her advice, in order to learn from his mistakes. When a man feels that a woman is not trying to improve him, he is much more likely to ask for her feedback and advice.

When our partner resists us it is probably because we have made a mistake in our timing or approach.

Understanding these differences makes it easier to respect our partner’s sensitivities and be more supportive. In addition we recognize that when our partner resists us it is probably because we have made a mistake in our timing or approach. Let’s explore this in greater detail.

WHEN A WOMAN RESISTS A MAN’S SOLUTIONS

When a woman resists a man’s solutions he feels his competence is being questioned. As a result he feels mistrusted, unappreciated, and stops caring. His willingness to listen understandably lessens.

By remembering that women are from Venus, a man at such times can instead understand why she is resisting him. He can reflect and discover how he was probably offering solutions at a time when she was needing empathy and nurturing.

Here are some brief examples of ways a man might mistakenly invalidate feelings and perceptions or offer unwanted solutions. See if you can recognize why she would resist.

1 “You shouldn’t worry so much.”
2 “But that is not what I said.”
3 “It’s not such a big deal.”
4 “OK, I’m sorry. Now can we just forget it.”
5 “Why don’t you just do it?”
6 “But we do talk.”
7 “You shouldn’t feel hurt, that’s not what I meant.”
8 “So what are you trying to say?”
9 “But you shouldn’t feel that way.”
10 “How can you say that? Last week I spent the whole day with you. We had a great time.”
11 “OK, then just forget it.”
12 “All right, I’ll clean up the backyard. Does that make you happy?”
13 “I got it. This is what you should do.”
14 “Look, there’s nothing we can do about it.”
15 “If you are going to complain about doing it, then don’t do it.”
16 “Why do you let people treat you that way? Forget them.”
17 “If you’re not happy then we should just get a divorce.”
18 “All right, then you can do it from now on.”
19 “From now on, I will handle it.”
20 “Of course I care about you. That’s ridiculous.”
21 “Would you get to the point?”
22 “All we have to do is …”
23 “That’s not at all what happened.”

Each of these statements either invalidates or attempts to explain upset feelings or offers a solution designed suddenly to change her negative feelings to positive feelings. The first step a man can take to change this pattern is simply to stop making the above comments (we explore this topic more fully in chapter 5). To practice listening without offering any invalidating comments or solutions is, however, a big step.

By clearly understanding that his timing and delivery are being rejected and not his solutions, a man can handle a woman’s resistance much better. He doesn’t take it so personally. By learning to listen, gradually he will experience that she will appreciate him more even when at first she is upset with him.

WHEN A MAN RESISTS THE HOME-IMPROVEMENT COMMITTEE

When a man resists a woman’s suggestions she feels as though he doesn’t care; she feels her needs are not being respected. As a result she understandably feels unsupported and stops trusting him.

At such times, by remembering that men are from Mars, she can instead correctly understand why he is resisting her. She can reflect and discover how she was probably giving him unsolicited advice or criticism rather than simply sharing her needs, providing information, or making a request.

Here are some brief examples of ways a woman might unknowingly annoy a man by offering advice or seemingly harmless criticism. As you explore this list, remember that these little things can add up to create big walls of resistance and resentment. In some of the statements the advice or criticism is hidden. See if you can recognize why he might feel controlled.

1 “How can you think of buying that? You already have one.”
2 “Those dishes are still wet. They’ll dry with spots.”
3 “Your hair is getting kind of long, isn’t it?”
4 “There’s a parking spot over there, turn [the car] around.”
5 “You want to spend time with your friends, what about me?”
6 “You shouldn’t work so hard. Take a day off.”
7 “Don’t put that there. It will get lost.”
8 “You should call a plumber. He’ll know what to do.”
9 “Why are we waiting for a table? Didn’t you make reservations?”
10 “You should spend more time with the kids. They miss you.”
11 “Your office is still a mess. How can you think in here? When are you going to clean it up?”
12 “You forgot to bring it home again. Maybe you could put it in a special place where you can remember it.”
13 “You’re driving too fast. Slow down or you’ll get a ticket.”
14 “Next time we should read the movie reviews.”
15 “I didn’t know where you were.” (You should have called.)
16 “Somebody drank from the juice bottle.”
17 “Don’t eat with your fingers. You’re setting a bad example.”
18 “Those potato chips are too greasy. They’re not good for your heart.”
19 “You are not leaving yourself enough time.”
20 “You should give me more [advance] notice. I can’t just drop everything and go to lunch with you.”
21 “Your shirt doesn’t match your pants.”
22 “Bill called for the third time. When are you going to call him back?”
23 “Your toolbox is such a mess. I can’t find anything. You should organize it.”

When a woman does not know how to directly ask a man for support (chapter 12) or constructively share a difference of opinion (chapter 9), she may feel powerless to get what she needs without giving unsolicited advice or criticism (again, we explore this topic more fully later on). To practice giving acceptance and not giving advice and criticism is, however, a big step.

By clearly understanding he is rejecting not her needs but the way she is approaching him, she can take his rejection less personally and explore more supportive ways of communicating her needs. Gradually she will realize that a man wants to make improvements when he feels he is being approached as the solution to a problem rather than as the problem itself.

A man wants to make improvements when he feels he is being approached as the solution to a problem rather than as the problem itself.

If you are a woman, I suggest that for the next week practice restraining from giving any unsolicited advice or criticism. The men in your life not only will appreciate it but also will be more attentive and responsive to you.

If you are a man, I suggest that for the next week you practice listening whenever a woman speaks, with the sole intention of respectfully understanding what she is going through. Practice biting your tongue whenever you get the urge to offer a solution or change how she is feeling. You will be surprised when you experience how much she appreciates you.

3
Men Go to Their Caves and Women Talk

One of the biggest differences between men and women is how they cope with stress. Men become increasingly focused and withdrawn while women become increasingly overwhelmed and emotionally involved. At these times, a man’s needs for feeling good are different from a woman’s. He feels better by solving problems while she feels better by talking about problems. Not understanding and accepting these differences creates unnecessary friction in our relationships. Let’s look at a common example.

When Tom comes home, he wants to relax and unwind by quietly reading the news. He is stressed by the unsolved problems of his day and finds relief through forgetting them.

His wife, Mary, also wants to relax from her stressful day. She, however, wants to find relief by talking about the problems of her day. The tension slowly building between them gradually becomes resentment.

Tom secretly thinks Mary talks too much, while Mary feels ignored. Without understanding their differences they will grow further apart.

You probably can recognize this situation because it is just one of many examples where men and women are at odds. This problem is not just Tom and Mary’s but is present in almost every relationship.

Solving this problem for Tom and Mary depends not on how much they loved each other but on how much they understood the opposite sex.

Without knowing that women really do need to talk about problems to feel better, Tom would continue to think Mary talked too much and resist listening to her. Without knowing that Tom was reading the news to feel better, Mary would feel ignored and neglected. She would persist in trying to get him to talk when he didn’t want to.

These two differences can be resolved by first understanding in greater detail how men and women cope with stress. Let’s again observe life on Mars and Venus and glean some insights about men and women.

COPING WITH STRESS ON MARS AND VENUS

When a Martian gets upset he never talks about what is bothering him. He would never burden another Martian with his problem unless his friend’s assistance was necessary to solve the problem. Instead he becomes very quiet and goes to his private cave to think about his problem, mulling it over to find a solution. When he has found a solution, he feels much better and comes out of his cave.

If he can’t find a solution then he does something to forget his problems, like reading the news or playing a game. By disengaging his mind from the problems of his day, gradually he can relax. If his stress is really great it takes getting involved with something even more challenging, like racing his car, competing in a contest, or climbing a mountain.

To feel better Martians go to their caves to solve problems alone.

When a Venusian becomes upset or is stressed by her day, to find relief, she seeks out someone she trusts and then talks in great detail about the problems of her day. When Venusians share feelings of being overwhelmed, they suddenly feel better. This is the Venusian way.

To feel better Venusians get together and openly talk about their problems.

On Venus sharing your problems with another actually is considered a sign of love and trust and not a burden. Venusians are not ashamed of having problems. Their egos are dependent not on looking “competent” but rather on being in loving relationships. They openly share feelings of being overwhelmed, confused, hopeless, and exhausted.

A Venusian feels good about herself when she has loving friends with whom to share her feelings and problems. A Martian feels good when he can solve his problems on his own in his cave. These secrets of feeling good are still applicable today.

FINDING RELIEF IN THE CAVE

When a man is stressed he will withdraw into the cave of his mind and focus on solving a problem. He generally picks the most urgent problem or the most difficult. He becomes so focused on solving this one problem that he temporarily loses awareness of everything else. Other problems and responsibilities fade into the background.

At such times, he becomes increasingly distant, forgetful, unresponsive, and preoccupied in his relationships. For example, when having a conversation with him at home, it seems as if only 5 percent of his mind is available for the relationship while the other 95 percent is still at work.

His full awareness is not present because he is mulling over his problem, hoping to find a solution. The more stressed he is the more gripped by the problem he will be. At such times he is incapable of giving a woman the attention and feeling that she normally receives and certainly deserves. His mind is preoccupied, and he is powerless to release it. If, however, he can find a solution, instantly he will feel much better and come out of his cave; suddenly he is available for being in a relationship again.

However, if he cannot find a solution to his problem, then he remains stuck in the cave. To get unstuck he is drawn to solving little problems, like reading the news, watching TV, driving his car, doing physical exercise, watching a football game, playing basketball, and so forth. Any challenging activity that initially requires only 5 percent of his mind can assist him in forgetting his problems and becoming unstuck. Then the next day he can redirect his focus to his problem with greater success.

Let’s explore in greater detail a few examples. Jim commonly uses reading the newspaper to forget his problems. When he reads the paper he is no longer being confronted with the problems of his day. With the 5 percent of his mind that is not focused on his work problems, he begins forming opinions and finding solutions for the world’s problems. Gradually his mind becomes increasingly involved with the problems in the news and he forgets his own. In this way he makes the transition from being focused on his problems at work to focusing on the many problems of the world (for which he is not directly responsible). This process releases his mind from the gripping problems of work so he can focus on his wife and family again.

Tom watches a football game to release his stress and unwind. He releases his mind from trying to solve his own problems by solving the problems of his favorite team. Through watching sports he can vicariously feel he has solved a problem with each play. When his team scores points or wins, he enjoys the feeling of success. If his team loses, he suffers their loss as his own. In either case, however, his mind is released from the grip of his real problems.

For Tom and many men the inevitable release of tension that occurs at the completion of any sporting event, news event, or movie provides a release from the tension he feels in his life.

How Women React to the Cave

When a man is stuck in his cave, he is powerless to give his partner the quality attention she deserves. It is hard for her to be accepting of him at these times because she doesn’t know how stressed he is. If he were to come home and talk about all his problems, then she could be more compassionate. Instead he doesn’t talk about his problems, and she feels he is ignoring her. She can tell he is upset but mistakenly assumes he doesn’t care about her because he isn’t talking to her.

Women generally do not understand how Martians cope with stress. They expect men to open up and talk about all their problems the way Venusians do. When a man is stuck in his cave, a woman resents his not being more open. She feels hurt when he turns on the news or goes outside to play some basketball and ignores her.

To expect a man who is in his cave instantly to become open, responsive, and loving is as unrealistic as expecting a woman who is upset immediately to calm down and make complete sense. It is a mistake to expect a man to always be in touch with his loving feelings just as it is a mistake to expect a woman’s feelings to always be rational and logical.

When Martians go to their caves they tend to forget that their friends may be having problems too. An instinct takes over that says before you can take care of anybody else, you must first take care of yourself. When a woman sees a man react in this way, she generally resists it and resents the man.

She may ask for his support in a demanding tone, as if she has to fight for her rights with this uncaring man. By remembering that men are from Mars, a woman can correctly interpret his reaction to stress as his coping mechanism rather than as an expression of how he feels about her. She can begin to cooperate with him to get what she needs instead of resisting him.

On the other side, men generally have little awareness of how distant they become when they are in the cave. As a man recognizes how withdrawing into his cave may affect women, he can be compassionate when she feels neglected and unimportant. Remembering that women are from Venus helps him to be more understanding and respectful of her reactions and feelings. Without understanding the validity of her reactions, a man commonly defends himself, and they argue. These are five common misunderstandings:

1 When she says “You don’t listen,” he says “What do you mean I don’t listen. I can tell you everything you said.”When a man is in the cave he can record what she is saying with the 5 percent of his mind that is listening. A man reasons that if he is listening with 5 percent, then he is listening. However, what she is asking for is his full undivided attention.
2 When she says “I feel like you are not even here,” he says “What do you mean I’m not here? Of course I am here. Don’t you see my body?”He reasons that if his body is present then she shouldn’t say he is not there. However, though his body is present, she doesn’t feel his full presence, and that is what she means.
3 When she says “You don’t care about me,” he says “Of course I care about you. Why do you think I am trying to solve this problem?”He reasons that because he is preoccupied with solving a problem that will in some way benefit her, she should know he cares for her. However, she needs to feel his direct attention and caring, and that is what she is really asking for.
4 When she says “I feel like I am not important to you,” he says “That’s ridiculous. Of course you are important.”He reasons that her feelings are invalid because he is solving problems to benefit her. He doesn’t realize that when he focuses on one problem and ignores the problems she is bothered by that almost any woman would have the same reaction and take it personally and feel unimportant.
5 When she says “You have no feelings. You are in your head,” he says “What’s wrong with that? How else do you expect me to solve this problem?”He reasons that she is being too critical and demanding because he is doing something that is essential for him to solve problems. He feels unappreciated. In addition he doesn’t recognize the validity of her feelings. Men generally don’t realize how extremely and quickly they may shift from being warm and feeling to being unresponsive and distant. In his cave a man is preoccupied with solving his problem and is unaware of how his indifferent attitude might feel to others.

To increase cooperation both men and women need to understand each other better. When a man begins to ignore his wife, she often takes it personally. Knowing that he is coping with stress in his own way is extremely helpful but does not always help her alleviate the pain.

At such times she may feel the need to talk about these feelings. This is when it is important for the man to validate her feelings. He needs to understand that she has a right to talk about her feelings of being ignored and unsupported just as he has a right to withdraw into his cave and not talk. If she does not feel understood then it is difficult for her to release her hurt.