28
Look at the Man in the Front row. He has a Clean shave on the back of his Head. See how hard he laughs. Does he enjoy the jokes? No; he has seen the Show seven times. What large opera glasses he has. Yes, he is very short-sighted. The show is a Burlesque. The Soubrette winks at him. That is because he is Old—and Easy. Will he go on to a Club after the Show? No; he will go on a Bat.
29
Here we have the Soubrette. No; she is not seventy-seven, she is only seventeen. Her father was a Blacksmith, and she is very clever with the Hammer herself. Hasn't she a lovely Shape? It is all her own, too. The Bill says she Paid twenty-five Dollars for it. She is talking to the chorus girl. She says she had a Lobster at dinner. Soubrettes are very Fond of Lobsters. There is an Old saying: "Wherever the Soubrette is, there will the Lobsters be found also."
30
The programme says the Ushers must not be Tipped. It hurts an usher's Feelings to be Given money. If we were to give an usher Money he would give up his Job. You would not Like to see the poor man out of a Job, would you? All his wants Are provided for by the Management and he Has no need of money. He gets a very Fat salary and his Family live in Elegance. How kind of the management to Treat the usher so well! Of course we will not give the usher money as the Management does not wish us to. It would be cruel, and Besides we would get very little in Return.
31
Let us listen to the Manager talking to the actor. The Manager says it is a fine day. That is not so, for it is Raining. The Actor says he would Like his Salary. Why does the Manager laugh and say next Tuesday? The actor tells the manager to go to Yuma, Arizona. Will the manager go? No, but the Actor will soon begin Counting railroad Neckwear.
32
Children, observe the Bouncer. He is a kind and Gentle man, and carries a Stick to protect Himself. He is very weak. Clara, yell as loud as you can. Now, Johnny, whistle on Your fingers. Will the Bouncer tell you to Stop? Bang! The hospital is just round the Corner. The children will Come again and see the rest of the Show.
33
Here we see a Poster. The poster says there are Three hundred people on the Stage. Are there three hundred people on the Stage? Oh! no; not to-night. One of the Ladies is sick, and Two hundred of the Others are nursing her. Call the Manager a Liar, Johnny. There! Now we know why the manager Carries a Cane.
34
Oh! see the Lady crying. She is very Young to be so Tearful. She is a Matinée girl. Why does she Cry? Is it because the Lovely heroine is in Distress? No; it is because the Leading man has had His hair cut. She wanted a Lock of his Lovely hair to Stuff a cushion With. What will she Do now? She will have to go to Another theatre until the Hair grows again.
35
This is a Vaudeville joke. How tired it Looks! Yes, it is Worn out. It has been doing Two a day for Nineteen Years. Once it was nearly Murdered by a Mean audience. Luckily it Changed its disguise. Will it ever Die? No; it will Get a Shave and a New disguise, and will go on working forever. How cruel to treat a good Joke so. What is the name of the Joke? It is the Mother-in-law joke.
36
Oh, see the Hat. It is a Stovepipe hat, and Belongs to the Manager. That is, he Wore it until last night. Now he will Have to buy Another hat. But this hat is good. It Cost Five dollars, and has been Worn only a Month. Yes, children, but there are other Points about the hat besides Wear. The size must be considered. Last night a great star, whom the Manager had Discovered, made a Hit. The Manager's head is Bigger now, and he must Have a new Hat. Let us take this one and put a Brick in It. Then when some other manager Cops the Star this manager can Kick the Hat.
37
Here we have the leading Lady's gown. It cost one Hundred and eighty Dollars. The leading lady Said so. How pretty and Fluffy it is. Is the Fluff chiffon or Organdie? The Leading Lady says it is French chiffon, but the Chorus Girls say it is Organdie from an old Summer gown. How mean of the Chorus girls! How economic of the Leading lady! Johnny, tread on the train of the Gown, and we can all see the Fireworks.
38
Are you Cold, children? See, the Snow is Falling. It is very Realistic, this Snow. It looks like the Real thing, and Makes you shiver. Do not be Afraid, we will not Freeze to Death. The show is a Frost, but the Manager is hot. The Snow is made from the Passes taken in last night. It will not Hurt you. If the Snow keeps up it will be so cold the Poor ghost will not Be able to Walk. Let us Pray that the Snow will Stop, so the Hungry actors may see the Ghost walk.
39
Is this a New kind of Music? No; it is a Baby crying. How kind of its Mother to bring it Out on a Night like this. Babies should Always be brought to the Theatre. They do so much to Amuse an audience. This is a very Noisy baby. Perhaps it has Ideas about the Show. That's right, Harry; get out Your bean shooter and Hit the Baby on the Nut. That will amuse the Child and perhaps it will Sing for us. If the Mother were not so big we would Soak her, too.
40
Here we have a Real sword. It is Carried by the Hero. He is a Brave man, and the sword is very Sharp. Johnny, try and Shave Harry with the Sword. Try hard! Now Clara, get a Mop, and wipe Up the Blood before the Stage manager returns. Johnny, hit Harry on the Head with a Hammer. He should not Make so Much noise. Little children should be Seen and not Heard. Stick him in the Ribs with the sword.
41
This Man is the Man who has seen the Show. Are you not glad that it is raining, so that you can Hear him Swear? No; he did not have an Umbrella when he went in, but he has one Now. He Found it. He is saying that the Show was Rotten. That is because the Girl who sat next to him got Mad when he Squeezed her Hand when it was Dark. Of course he Thought he was Squeezing his wife's hand. Always squeeze hands when You go to the theatre. It will keep you Warm.
42
How pompous is the Orchestra leader! Do you notice his white gloves? How they add to his appearance. Perhaps his appearance needs adding to. Watch him lean over the footlights. See the funny little bald spot on his head. How commanding he is; all the musicians are afraid of him he is so fierce. But why the bald spot? S-h-h-h, children, that is where his little wife pulled the hair out last night.