Alton B. Parker
THOSE
Roman Fathers, long ago,
Established a sublime tradition,
Who gave the Man Behind the Hoe
His proud proconsular position;
When Cincinnatus left his hens,
And beat his ploughshares into pens.
His modern prototype we see,
Descended from some humble attic,
The Presidential nominee
Of those whose views are Democratic;
From Millionaire to Billiard Marker
They plumped their votes for Central Parker.
A member of the sterner sex,
Possessing neither wealth nor beauty,
But gifted with a really ex —
– Traordinary sense of Duty;
In Honour's list I place him first, —
With Cæsar's Wife and Mr. Hearst.
From childhood's day this son of toil,
Since first he laid aside his rattle,
Was wont to cultivate the soil,
Or milk his father's kindly cattle;
To groom the pigs, drive crows away,
Or teach the bantams how to lay.
This sprightly lad, his parents' pet,
With tastes essentially bucolic,
Eschewed the straightcut cigarette,
And shunned refreshments alcoholic;
His simple pleasure 'twas to plumb
The deep-laid joys of chewing gum.
As local pedagogue he next
Attained to years of indiscretion,
To preach the Solomonian text
So popular with that profession,
Which honours whom (and what) it teaches
More in th' observance than the breeches.
The sprightly Parker soon one sees,
Head of a legal institution,
Enjoying huge retaining fees
As counsel for the prosecution.
(Advice to lawyers,
meum non est
, —
Get on, get honour, then get honest!)
Behold him, then, like comet, shoot
Beyond the bounds of birth or station,
And gain, as jurist of repute,
A continental reputation.
(Don't mix him with that "Triple Star"
Which lights a more unworthy "bar.")
A proud position now is his,
A judge, arrayed in moral ermine,
As from the Bench he sentences
His fellow-man, and other vermin,
And does his duty to his neighbour,
By giving him six months' hard labour.
On knotty questions of finance
He bears aloft the golden standard,
For he whose motto is "Advance!"
To baser coin has never pandered.
No eulogist of War is he,
"Retrenchment!" is his
dernier cri
.
But tho', to his convictions true,
With strength like concentrated Eno,
He did his very utmost to
Emancipate the Filipino,
A fickle public chose Another,
Who called the Coloured Coon his Brother.
Euclid
WHEN
Egypt was a first-class Pow'r —
When Ptolemy was King, that is,
Whose benefices used to show'r
On all the local charities,
And by his liberal subscriptions
Was always spoiling the Egyptians —
The Alexandrine School enjoyed
A proud and primary position
For training scholars not devoid
Of geometric erudition;
Where arithmetical fanatics
Could even
live
in (mathem) – attics.
The best informed Historians name
This Institution the possessor
Of one who occupied with fame
The post of principal Professor,
Who had a more expansive brain
Than any man – before Hall Caine.
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