SCENE III
The Street
Enter Kite, with Costar Pearmain in one Hand, and Thomas Appletree in the other, drunk
Kite sings
Our 'prentice Tom may now refuse
To wipe his scoundrel master's shoes,
For now he's free to sing and play
Over the hills and far away.
Over, &c.
[The Mob sing the Chorus
We shall lead more happy lives
By getting rid of brats and wives,
That scold and brawl both night and day,
Over the hills and far away.
Over, &c.
Kite. Hey, boys! thus we soldiers live! drink, sing, dance, play; – we live, as one should say – we live – 'tis impossible to tell how we live – we are all princes – why, why you are a king – you are an emperor, and I'm a prince – now, an't we?
Tho. No serjeant, I'll be no emperor.
Kite. No!
Tho. I'll be a justice of peace.
Kite. A justice of peace, man!
Tho. Ay, wauns will I; for since this pressing act, they are greater than any emperor under the sun.
Kite. Done; you are a justice of peace, and you are a king, and I am a duke, and a rum duke, an't I?
Cost. I'll be a queen.
Kite. A queen.
Cost. Ay, of England, that's greater than any king of them all.
Kite. Bravely said, 'faith! huzza for the queen. [Huzza.] But harkye, you Mr. Justice, and you Mr. Queen, did you ever see the king's picture?
Both. No! no! no!
Kite. I wonder at that; I have two of them set in gold, and as like his majesty, God bless the mark! see here, they are set in gold.
[Takes two broad pieces out of his pocket; presents one to each.
Tho. The wonderful works of nature! [Looking at it.
What's this written about? here's a posy, I believe. – Ca-ro-lus! – what's that, serjeant?
Kite. O! Carolus! why, Carolus is Latin for King George; that's all.
Cost. Tis a fine thing to be a scollard. – Serjeant, will you part with this? I'll buy it on you, if it come within the compass of a crown.
Kite. A crown! never talk of buying; 'tis the same thing among friends, you know; I'll present them to ye both: you shall give me as good a thing. Put them up, and remember your old friend when I am over the hills and far away.
[They sing, and put up the Money.
Enter Plume, singing
Over the hills and over the main,
To Flanders, Portugal, or Spain;
The king commands and we'll obey,
Over the hills and far away.
Come on my men of mirth, away with it; I'll make one among ye. Who are these hearty lads?
Kite. Off with your hats; 'ounds! off with your hats: this is the captain, the captain.
Tho. We have seen captains afore now, mun.
Cost. Ay, and lieutenant-captains too. 'Sflesh! I'll keep on my nab.
Tho. And I'se scarcely d'off mine for any captain in England. My vether's a freeholder.
Plume. Who are those jolly lads, serjeant?
Kite. A couple of honest brave fellows that are willing to serve the king: I have entertained them just now as volunteers, under your honour's command.
Plume. And good entertainment they shall have: volunteers are the men I want; those are the men fit to make soldiers, captains, generals.
Cost. Wounds, Tummas, what's this! are you listed?
Tho. Flesh! not I: are you, Costar?
Cost. Wounds! not I.
Kite. What! not listed? ha! ha! ha! a very good jest, i'faith.
Cost. Come, Tummus, we'll go home.
Tho. Ay, ay, come.
Kite. Home! for shame, gentlemen; behave yourselves better before your captain. Dear Tummas, honest Costar!
Tho. No, no! we'll be gone.
Kite. Nay, then, I command you to stay: I place you both centinels in this place for two hours, to watch the motion of St. Mary's clock you, and you the motion of St. Chad's; and he, that dares stir from his post till he be relieved, shall have my sword in his guts the next minute.
Plume. What's the matter, serjeant? I'm afraid you are too rough with these gentlemen.
Kite. I'm too mild, sir; they disobey command, sir; and one of them should be shot, for an example to the other.
Cost. Shot! Tummas?
Plume. Come, gentlemen, what's the matter?
Tho. We don't know; the noble serjeant is pleas'd to be in a passion, sir; but —
Kite. They disobey command; they deny their being listed.
Tho. Nay, serjeant, we don't downright deny it, neither; that we dare not do, for fear of being shot; but we humbly conceive, in a civil way, and begging your worship's pardon, that we may go home.
Plume. That's easily known. Have either of you received any of the king's money?
Cost. Not a brass farthing, sir.
Kite. They have each of them received one-and-twenty shillings, and 'tis now in their pockets.
Cost. Wounds! if I have a penny in my pocket but a bent sixpence, I'll be content to be listed and shot into the bargain.
Tho. And I: look ye here, sir.
Cost. Nothing but the king's picture, that the serjeant gave me just now.
Kite. See there, a guinea, one and twenty shillings; t'other has the fellow on't.
Plume. The case is plain, gentlemen: the goods are found upon you: those pieces of gold are worth one-and-twenty shillings each.
Cost. So it seems that Carolus is one-and-twenty shillings in Latin.
Tho. 'Tis the same thing in Greek, for we are listed.
Cost. Flesh; but we an't, Tummus: I desire to be carried before the mayor, captain.
[Captain and Serjeant whisper the while.
Plume. 'Twill never do, Kite – your damned tricks will ruin me at last – I won't lose the fellows, though, if I can help it. – Well, gentlemen, there must be some trick in this; my serjeant offers to take his oath that you are fairly listed.
Tho. Why, captain, we know that you soldiers have more liberty of conscience than other folks; but for me or neighbour Costar here to take such an oath, 'twould be downright perjuration.
Plume. Lookye, rascal, you villain! If I find that you have imposed upon these two honest fellows, I'll trample you to death, you dog – Come, how was't?
Tho. Nay, then we'll speak. Your serjeant, as you say, is a rogue, an't like your worship, begging your worship's pardon – and —
Cost. Nay, Tummus, let me speak, you know I can read. – And so, sir, he gave us those two pieces of money for pictures of the king, by way of a present.
Plume. How? by way of a present! the son of a whore! I'll teach him to abuse honest fellows like you! – scoundrel! rogue! villain!
[Beats off the Serjeant, and follows.
Both. O brave noble captain! huzza! A brave captain, 'faith!
Cost. Now, Tummas, Carolus is Latin for a beating. This is the bravest captain I ever saw – Wounds! I've a month's mind to go with him.
Enter Plume
Plume. A dog, to abuse two such honest fellows as you. – Lookye, gentlemen, I love a pretty fellow; I come among you as an officer to list soldiers, not as a kidnapper to steal slaves.
Cost. Mind that, Tummas.
Plume. I desire no man to go with me but as I went myself; I went a volunteer, as you or you may do; for a little time carried a musket, and now I command a company.
Tho. Mind that, Costar. A sweet gentleman!
Plume. Tis true, gentlemen, I might take an advantage of you; the king's money was in your pockets – my serjeant was ready to take his oath you were listed; but I scorn to do a base thing; you are both of you at your liberty.
Cost. Thank you, noble captain – Icod! I can't find in my heart to leave him, he talks so finely.
Tho. Ay, Costar, would he always hold in this mind.
Plume. Come, my lads, one thing more I'll tell you: you're both young tight fellows, and the army is the place to make you men for ever: every man has his lot, and you have yours: what think you of a purse of French gold out of a monsieur's pocket, after you have dashed out his brains with the but end of your firelock, eh?
Cost. Wauns! I'll have it. Captain – give me a shilling; I'll follow you to the end of the world.
Tho. Nay, dear Costar! do'na: be advis'd.
Plume. Here, my hero, here are two guineas for thee, as earnest of what I'll do farther for thee.
Tho. Do'na take it; do'na, dear Costar.
[Cries, and pulls back his Arm.
Cost. I wull – I wull – Waunds! my mind gives me that I shall be a captain myself – I take your money, sir, and now I am a gentleman.
Plume. Give me thy hand; and now you and I will travel the world o'er, and command it wherever we tread. – Bring your friend with you, if you can. [Aside.
Cost. Well, Tummas, must we part?
Tho. No, Costar, I cannot leave thee. – Come, captain, I'll e'en go along too; and if you have two honester simpler lads in your company than we two have been, I'll say no more.
Plume. Here, my lad. [Gives him Money.] Now, your name?
Tho. Tummas Appletree.
Plume. And yours?
Cost. Costar Pearmain.
Plume. Well said, Costar! Born where?
Tho. Both in Herefordshire.
Plume. Very well. Courage, my lads. Now we'll
Sings.
Over the hills, and far away.
Courage, boys, it's one to ten
But we return all gentlemen;
While conq'ring colours we display,
Over the hills, and far away.
Kite, take care of them.
Enter Kite
Kite. An't you a couple of pretty fellows, now! Here, you have complained to the captain; I am to be turned out, and one of you will be serjeant. Which of you is to have my halberd?
Both Rec. I.
Kite. So you shall – in your guts. – March, you sons of whores!
[Beats them off.
ACT THE THIRD
SCENE I
The Market Place
Enter Plume and Worthy
Wor. I cannot forbear admiring the equality of our fortunes: we love two ladies, they meet us half way, and just as we were upon the point of leaping into their arms, fortune drops in their laps, pride possesses their hearts, a maggot fills their heads, madness takes them by the tails; they snort, kick up their heels, and away they run.
Plume. And leave us here to mourn upon the shore – a couple of poor melancholy monsters. What shall we do?
Wor. I have a trick for mine; the letter, you know, and the fortune-teller.
Plume. And I have a trick for mine.
Wor. What is't?
Plume. I'll never think of her again.
Wor. No!
Plume. No; I think myself above administering to the pride of any woman, were she worth twelve thousand a-year; and I ha'n't the vanity to believe I shall gain a lady worth twelve hundred. The generous, goodnatured Sylvia, in her smock, I admire; but the haughty and scornful Sylvia, with her fortune, I despise. – What! sneak out of town, and not so much as a word, a line, a compliment! – 'Sdeath! how far off does she live? I'll go and break her windows.
Wor. Ha! ha! ha! ay, and the window-bars too, to come at her. Come, come, friend, no more of your rough military airs.
Enter Kite
Kite. Captain! captain! Sir, look yonder; she's a-coming this way. 'Tis the prettiest, cleanest, little tit!
Plume. Now, Worthy, to show you how much I'm in love – here she comes. But, Kite, what is that great country fellow with her?
Kite. I can't tell, sir.
Enter Rose, followed by her Brother Bullock, withChickens on her Arm, in a Basket
Rose. Buy chickens, young and tender chickens, young and tender chickens.
Plume. Here, you chickens.
Rose. Who calls?
Plume. Come hither, pretty maid.
Rose. Will you please to buy, sir?
Wor. Yes, child, we'll both buy.
Plume. Nay, Worthy, that's not fair; market for yourself – Come, child, I'll buy all you have.
Rose. Then all I have is at your service.
[Courtesies.
Wor. Then must I shift for myself, I find.
[Exit.
Plume. Let me see; young and tender, you say.
[Chucks her under the Chin.
Rose. As ever you tasted in your life, sir.
Plume. Come, I must examine your basket to the bottom, my dear!
Rose. Nay, for that matter, put in your hand; feel, sir; I warrant my ware is as good as any in the market.
Plume. And I'll buy it all, child, were it ten times more.
Rose. Sir, I can furnish you.
Plume. Come, then, we won't quarrel about the price; they're fine birds. – Pray, what's your name, pretty creature!
Rose. Rose, sir. My father is a farmer within three short miles o' the town: we keep this market; I sell chickens, eggs, and butter, and my brother Bullock there sells corn.
Bul. Come, sister, haste – we shall be late home.
[Whistles about the Stage.
Plume. Kite! [Tips him the wink, he returns it.] Pretty Mrs. Rose – you have – let me see – how many?
Rose. A dozen, sir, and they are richly worth a crown.
Bul. Come, Rouse; I sold fifty strake of barley to-day in half this time; but you will higgle and higgle for a penny more than the commodity is worth.
Rose. What's that to you, oaf? I can make as much out of a groat as you can out of fourpence, I'm sure – The gentleman bids fair, and when I meet with a chapman, I know how to make the best of him – And so, sir, I say for a crown-piece the bargain's yours.
Plume. Here's a guinea, my dear!
Rose. I can't change your money, sir.
Plume. Indeed, indeed, but you can – my lodging is hard by, chicken! and we'll make change there.
[Goes off, she follows him.
Kite. So, sir, as I was telling you, I have seen one of these hussars eat up a ravelin for his breakfast, and afterwards pick his teeth with a palisado.
Bul. Ay, you soldiers see very strange things; but pray, sir, what is a rabelin?
Kite. Why, 'tis like a modern minc'd pie, but the crust is confounded hard, and the plums are somewhat hard of digestion.
Bul. Then your palisado, pray what may he be? Come, Rouse, pray ha' done.
Kite. Your palisado is a pretty sort of bodkin, about the thickness of my leg.
Bul. That's a fib, I believe. [Aside.] Eh! where's Rouse? Rouse, Rouse! 'Sflesh! where's Rouse gone?
Kite. She's gone with the captain.
Bul. The captain! wauns! there's no pressing of women, sure.
Kite. But there is, sure.
Bul. If the captain should press Rouse, I should be ruined – Which way went she? Oh! the devil take your rabelins and palisadoes!
[Exit.
Kite. You shall be better acquainted with them, honest Bullock, or I shall miss of my aim.
Enter Worthy
Wor. Why thou art the most useful fellow in nature to your captain, admirable in your way I find.
Kite. Yes, sir, I understand my business, I will say it.
Wor. How came you so qualified?
Kite.You must know, sir, I was born a gipsy, and bred among that crew till I was ten years old; there I learned canting and lying: I was bought from my mother Cleopatra by a certain nobleman for three pistoles, there I learned impudence and pimping: I was turned off for wearing my lord's linen, and drinking my lady's ratafia, and turned bailiff's follower; there I learned bullying and swearing: I at last got into the army; and there I learned whoring and drinking – so that if your worship pleases to cast up the whole sum, viz. canting, lying, impudence, pimping, bullying, swearing, whoring, drinking, and a halberd, you will find the sum total amount to a Recruiting Serjeant.
Wor. And pray what induced you to turn soldier?
Kite. Hunger and ambition. But here comes Justice Balance.
Enter Balance and Bullock
Bal. Here you, serjeant, where's your captain? here's a poor foolish fellow comes clamouring to me with a complaint that your captain has pressed his sister. Do you know any thing of this matter, Worthy?
Wor. Ha! ha! ha! I know his sister is gone with Plume to his lodging, to sell him some chickens.
Bal. Is that all? the fellow's a fool.
Bul. I know that, an't like your worship; but if your worship pleases to grant me a warrant to bring her before your worship, for fear of the worst.
Bal. Thou'rt mad, fellow; thy sister's safe enough.
Kite. I hope so too. [Aside.
Wor. Hast thou no more sense, fellow, than to believe that the captain can list women?
Bul. I know not whether they list them, or what they do with them, but I'm sure they carry as many women as men with them out of the country.
Bal. But how came you not to go along with your sister?
Bul. Lord, sir, I thought no more of her going than I do of the day I shall die: but this gentleman here, not suspecting any hurt neither, I believe – you thought no harm, friend, did you?
Kite. Lack-a-day, sir, not I – only that I believe I shall marry her to-morrow.
Bal. I begin to smell powder. Well, friend, but what did that gentleman with you?
Bul. Why, sir, he entertained me with a fine story of a great sea-fight between the Hungarians, I think it was, and the wild Irish.
Kite. And so, sir, while we were in the heat of battle – the captain carried off the baggage.
Bal. Serjeant, go along with this fellow to your captain, give him my humble service, and desire him to discharge the wench, though he has listed her.
Bul. Ay, and if she ben't free for that, he shall have another man in her place.
Kite. Come, honest friend, you shall go to my quarters instead of the captain's. [Aside.
[Exeunt Kite and Bullock.
Bal. We must get this mad captain his complement of men, and send him packing, else he'll overrun the country.
Wor. You see, sir, how little he values your daughter's disdain.
Bal. I like him the better: I was just such another fellow at his age: But how goes your affair with Melinda?
Wor. Very slowly. My mistress has got a captain too, but such a captain! – as I live, yonder he comes!
Bal. Who, that bluff fellow in the sash? I don't know him.
Wor. But I engage he knows you and every body at first sight: his impudence were a prodigy, were not his ignorance proportionable; he has the most universal acquaintance of any man living, for he won't be alone, and nobody will keep him company twice: then he's a Cæsar among the women, veni, vidi, vici, that's all. If he has but talked with the maid, he swears he has lain with the mistress: but the most surprising part of his character is his memory, which is the most prodigious and the most trifling in the world.
Bal. I have known another acquire so much by travel as to tell you the names of most places in Europe, with their distances of miles, leagues, or hours, as punctually as a postboy; but for any thing else as ignorant as the horse that carries the mail.
Wor. This is your man, sir, add but the traveller's privilege of lying, and even that he abuses: this is the picture, behold the life.
Enter Brazen
Brazen. Mr. Worthy, I'm your servant, and so forth – Harkye, my dear!
Wor. Whispering, sir, before company, is not manners, and when nobody's by 'tis foolish.
Brazen. Company! mort de ma vie! I beg the gentleman's pardon – who is he?
Wor. Ask him.
Brazen. So I will. My dear! I am your servant, and so forth – Your name, my dear?
Bal. Very laconic, sir.
Brazen. Laconic! a very good name truly. I have known several of the Laconics abroad. Poor Jack Laconic! he was killed at the battle of Landen. I remember that he had a blue ribband in his hat that very day, and after he fell, we found a piece of neat's tongue in his pocket.
Bal. Pray, sir, did the French attack us, or we them, at Landen?
Brazen. The French attack us! No, sir, we attacked them on the – I have reason to remember the time, for I had two-and-twenty horses killed under me that day.
Wor. Then, sir, you must have rid mighty hard.
Bal. Or, perhaps, sir, like my countrymen, you rid upon half a dozen horses at once.
Brazen. What do ye mean, gentlemen? I tell you they were killed, all torn to pieces by cannon-shot, except six I staked to death upon the enemy's cheveaux de frise.
Bal. Noble captain! may I crave your name?
Brazen. Brazen, at your service.
Bal. Oh, Brazen! a very good name. I have known several of the Brazens abroad.
Wor. Do you know one Captain Plume, sir?
Brazen. Is he any thing related to Frank Plume in Northamptonshire? – Honest Frank! many, many a dry bottle have we cracked hand to fist. You must have known his brother Charles, that was concerned in the India company; he married the daughter of Old Tonguepad, the master in Chancery, a very pretty woman, only she quinted a little; she died in child-bed of her first child, but the child survived: 'twas a daughter, but whether it was called Margaret or Margery, upon my soul, I can't remember. [Looking on his Watch.] But, gentlemen, I must meet a lady, a twenty thousand pounder, presently, upon the walk by the water – Worthy, your servant; Laconic, yours.
[Exit.
Bal. If you can have so mean an opinion of Melinda, as to be jealous of this fellow, I think she ought to give you cause to be so.
Wor. I don't think she encourages him so much for gaining herself a lover, as to set up a rival. Were there any credit to be given to his words, I should believe Melinda had made him this assignation. I must go see, sir, you'll pardon me.
[Exit.
Bal. Ay, ay, sir, you're a man of business – But what have we got here?
Enter Rose, singing
Rose. And I shall be a lady, a captain's lady, and ride single, upon a white horse with a star, upon a velvet side-saddle; and I shall go to London, and see the tombs, and the lions, and the king and queen. Sir, an please your worship, I have often seen your worship ride through our grounds a-hunting, begging your worship's pardon. Pray, what may this lace be worth a-yard? [Showing some Lace.
Bal. Right Mecklin, by this light! Where did you get this lace, child?
Rose. No matter for that, sir; I came honestly by it.
Bal. I question it much. [Aside.
Rose. And see here, sir, a fine Turkey-shell snuff-box, and fine mangere: see here. [Takes Snuff affectedly.] The captain learned me how to take it with an air.
Bal. Oh ho! the captain! now the murder's out. And so the captain taught you to take it with an air?