Mrs. Highflyer (innocently). – "Oh no; but he was afraid he might be, if he came here!"
Mrs. Onslow-Pushington. – "What a very singular woman Lady Masham is, Professor! I have called on her every Wednesday this month, and the footman (who knows me perfectly) always said she was out, though Wednesday's her day at home, and there were lots of carriages at the door! She never calls on me – never! And when I bow to her, as I always do, she always looks another way, as she did just now. I must really call again next Wednesday."
"What's the matter, dearest? You look sad…"
"Oh, everything's going wrong. The children are ill in bed, and nurse has got the influenza, and my husband declares that ruin is staring us in the face, and I've got an unbecoming frock, and altogether I'm thoroughly depressed…"
(Breaks down.)
The Misses Tiptylte. – "Such fun! We're going to Mrs. Masham's fancy ball as Cinderella's ugly sisters – with false noses, you know!"
Miss Aquila Sharpe. – "What a capital idea! But why false noses?"
"Tell me, Mrs. Jones, who's that young Adonis your married daughter is looking up to so eagerly?"
"Her husband, Mrs. Snarley!"
"Dear me, you don't say so! I congratulate you… Now I understand how you come to have such good-looking grandchildren."
The Professor. – "Will you give me a kiss, my dear?"
Effie (an habitually naughty girl). – "Oh, mammie… I'll be good, I'll be good… I promise!"
Hostess. – "Geoffrey, I want you to dance with that little girl!"
Geoffrey. – "Oh, well, if I must, I must …!"
Brown (who was all but run over). – "Why didn't you call out sooner, you stupid ass?"
Cabby. – "I did, sir!"
Brown. – "Why didn't you call out louder, then?"
Cabby. – "I did, sir!"
Mrs. Gushington. – "Oh! oh! what a lovely, lovely picture! So true, so…"
Our Artist. – "Wait a bit, Mrs. Gushington – it's wrong side up… Let me put it right first …!" (Does so.)
Mrs. Gushington (unabashed). – "Oh! oh! oh! Why, that way it's even more lovely still!"
Grandpapa takes the bride in to dinner, and the rest follow anyhow.
Our Pet Actor (just arrived). – "By Jove – these good people all seem to know me very well – nodding and smiling" – (nods and smiles himself, right and left) – "uncommonly flattering, I'm sure – considering I've never set foot in the town before!"
Our Pet Artist (his chum). – "I'm afraid it's me they're nodding and smiling at, old man! I come every year, you know – and know every soul in the place!"
Herr Silbermund (the Great Pianist) to Mrs. Tattler. – "Ach, Lady Creichton has for bainting der most remârrgaple chênius. Look at dis! It is eqval to Felasquez!"
M. Languedor (the Famous Painter) to Miss Gushington. – "Ah! For ze music, Miladi Crétonne has a talent kvite exceptionnel. Listen to zat! It surpass Madame Schumann!"
Cook's Tourist (female). – "What's that jagged white line on the horizon, I wonder?"
Cook's Tourist (male). – "Snow, probably!"
Cook's Tourist (female). – "Ah! that's much more likely! I heard the captain saying it was Greece!"
"Been dancin' at all?"
"Dancin'? Not I! Catch me dancin' in a house where there ain't a smokin'-room! I'm off, directly!"
She. – "It's such years since we met that perhaps you never heard of my marriage?"
He. – "No, indeed! Is it – er – recent enough for congratulations?"
She. – "What a disagreeable thing that insomnia must be! Very trying, I think! Do you ever suffer from it, Captain Spinks?"
He. – "Oh, dear, no. I can sleep anywhere, at any time! Could go off this moment, I assure you …!"
"That's where poor Mrs. Wilkins used to live!"
"Why 'poor' Mrs. Wilkins?"
"Well, her husband was killed in that horrid railway accident, don't you remember?"
"Oh, but that was months ago!"
The lady guests go in to dinner with the host and young Sir John and young Sir James and the Hon. Dick Swiveller, while the hostess naturally takes the arm of her nephew, Lord Goslin (just from Eton), so that, as the party is just two ladies short, Dr. Jones, the great historian, and Professor Brown, the famous philologist (whose wives have not been asked), bring up the rear together.
The Doctor. – "Well, Professor, we may be of less consequence than the rest, but at all events we're the oldest and the most renowned!"
Puzzled Hostess. – "I beg your pardon, Lord Bovril, but will you tell me whether I ought to take your arm, or Prince Sulkytoff's, or the Duke's?"
Lord Bovril (Lord-Lieutenant of the County). – "Well – a – since you ask me, I must tell you that – a – as her Majesty's representative, I am bound to claim the honor! But I hope you won't for a moment suppose that I'm fool enough – a – to care personally one rap about that sort of thing!"
Well-Preserved Elderly Coquette. – "Ah! Admiral, what a good time we had there, junketing and dancing and flirting! It all seems like yesterday! Do you remember the Carew girls, and your old flame Lucy Masters, and that poor boy Jack Lushington, who was so desperately in love with me?"
The Admiral. – "Indeed I do, dear Lady Maria! And to think of their all dying … years ago!.. And of old age, too!"
Lady Prattler (a confirmed first-nighter, to actor-manager). – "I congratulate you on your success last night, Mr. McStamp!.. How good you were! It was all charmin' – so light, so bright, so well put on the stage!.. And oh! such nice long entr'actes, you know!"