Old Lady (to fashionable beauty, who has recently married the General). – "And so that white-haired old darling is your husband! What a good-looking couple you must once have been!"

The General. – "I've brought you a new book, Aunt Emily, by the new French Academician. I'm told it's very good; but I've not read it myself, so I'm not sure it's quite – a – quite correct, you know."

Aunt Emily. – "My dear boy, I'm ninety-six, and I'll risk it!"

Sir Binks (who always piques himself on saying just the right thing). – "A – what I like so much about the milkmaid, dontcherknow, is that your husband hasn't fallen into the usual mistake of painting a lady dressed up in milkmaid's clothes! She's so unmistakably a milkmaid and nothing else, dontcherknow!"

The Painter's Wife. – "I'm so glad you think so… He painted her from me!"

(Scene: The Waiting-Room of a Fashionable Physician.)

Fair Patient (just ushered in). – "What —you here, Lizzie? Why, ain't you well?"

Second Ditto. – "Perfectly, thanks! But what's the matter with you, dear?"

First Ditto. – "Oh, nothing whatever! I'm as right as possible, dearest …!"

Elder Sister. – "Oh! he proposed after supper, did he – after dancing with you all night – and you refused him? Quite right! My dear child, never believe in any proposal until the young man calls at eleven in the morning and asks you to be his wife!"

"Good-night, Miss Maud!"

"I'm not Miss Maud."

"Miss Ethel, I mean. Won't you shake hands with me? How ungrateful of you! and just after I've been taking you for your lovely sister, too."

"I see a tent. I wonder what's going on inside? Let's go and see…"

"What's the good of our going in there?"

"What's the good of our stopping out here?"

Tired Daughters. – "Don't you think we might go now, mamma? It's three o'clock."

Festive Mamma. – "Oh, that's not so very late, darlings… Mayn't I have one more dance?"

First Tutor (waking up, and languidly helping himself to his modest glass of claret). – "Ah! I like a little sleep after dinner… It makes one ready for one's wine!"

Second Tutor. – "Well, I like a little sleep before dinner best!"

The Master. – "Pooh! Talk to me of the after-breakfast sleep in term-time! That's what I enjoy!!"

Hostess. – "Won't you play us something, Mr. Spinks?"

Musical Amateur (who thinks a good deal of himself, in spite of his modesty). – "Oh, don't ask me – you are all such first-rate performers here – and you play such good music, too."

Hostess. – "Well, but we like a little variety, you know."

Lionel. – "Oh, I say, Benjamin! how splendid your wife is looking! She pays for dressing, if you like!"

Benjamin. – "Does she, my boy? I only wish she did!"

Teddy. – "How old are you, Aunt Milly?"

Aunt Milly (who owns to 35). – "Oh, Teddy, almost a hundred!"

Teddy. – "Auntie, I can't believe you! I'd believe you if you'd said fifty!"

"A southerly wind and a cloudy sky proclaim a hunting morning."

Sir Bedivere de Vere. – "Oh, I say. How you do chaff! You never take me seriously!"

American Belle. – "You never asked me!" (No cards.)

Mater. – "Papa, dear, do you know a halfpenny weekly paper called Flipbutts?"

Pater. – "Never heard of it in my life!"

Mater. – "Well, it offers ninepence a column for answering questions, and they are so difficult, and we do so want to make a little money! Do leave off your novel and help us a little." (Pater can only write two novels a year, but gets £10,000 for each of them.)

He. – "Look! Here comes young Brummell Washington, with his bride. I wonder what on earth induced him to marry her?"

She. – "Oh, probably somebody bet him he wouldn't!"

Hostess. – "You must give your arm to Miss Malecho, William, and put her on your right, and make yourself as agreeable as you possibly can!"

Host. – "Why, she's a person of no consequence whatever!"

Hostess. – "Oh, yes, she is! She's very ill-natured, and tells the most horrid lies about people if they don't pay her the very greatest attention!"

"Auntie, darling, this is my new friend, Georgie Jones. He is nice. And isn't it funny, my birthday is the ninth of January, and his is the tenth, so you see we only just escaped being twins!"

He. – "I beg your pardon – but – er would you be so kind as to give me the 'G'?"

She. – "Oh, certainly." (Gives it.)

He. – "Thanks, awfully!" (Bows and proceeds on his way.)

Hostess. – "Oh, pray don't leave off, Herr Rosencranz. That was a lovely song you just began!"

Eminent Barytone. – "Yes, matame, bot it tit not harmonise viz de cheneral gonferzation. It is in B vlat, and you and all your vrents are talking in G. I haf a zong in F and a zong in A sharp, bot I haf no zong in G!"

Accompanist. – "Ach! Berhaps, to opliche matame, I could dransbose de aggombaniments – ja?"

"Look, Geoffrey! That's Lady Emily Tomlinson. Isn't she pretty?"

"Yes. And I s'pose that's Lord Emily walking with her!"

Professor Boreham. – "What! alone, Mrs. Highflyer? Your husband is not ill, I trust!"