Nursery Comedies

QUITE BY OURSELVES

CHARACTERS

MRS. VERNON.

JANET.

RALPH.

QUITE BY OURSELVES

Mrs. Vernon. – (Alone at writing table.) What a long time it is since the children have been into the room! It must be nearly five minutes! They don't seem to be having as many "good ideas" to-day as they generally do. So I may as well do my accounts. (Begins to add up.) Ah! there they come.

Enter Ralph and Janet, hurriedly

Janet. – Mammy! Mammy!

Ralph. – We have such a good idea.

Mother. – (I thought so!) What is it?

J. – We're going to surprise you very much.

M. – Are you? How delightful!

R. – We're going to invite you to a tea party of our very own!

J. – We are going to get it ready and arrange it quite by ourselves!

R. – Isn't that a lovely idea?

M. – It is, indeed.

J. – And the surprise is going to be that you are going to receive an invitation from us, just like the real invitations you get from your friends.

M. – I see!

R. – But the thing that will surprise you most will be that we are going to do it ourselves, won't it?

M. – (Smiling.) Yes, I must say that will be the most surprising thing of all.

R. – Then, first, here's the invitation.

M. – Oh, this is most exciting. (Reads.) "Ralph and Janet request the pleasure of your company at their very own tea-party on Wednesday afternoon."

R. – Isn't that a surprise for you, Mammy?

M. – It is, indeed, most astonishing. Now I must answer this, I suppose?

J. – Of course you must, just as if you were writing to strangers, you must end it "your loving Mrs. Vernon," or something stiff of that sort.

R. – Of course you mustn't put "your affectionate Mother," as you do when you really write to us, you know.

M. – Not for worlds! Now, then, I had better write the letter, and then do my accounts, while you get the tea ready.

R. – Oh, yes, that will be delightful.

(Goes to writing-table. Ralph and Janet discuss in a low voice, looking round them helplessly.)

R. – (Aside to Janet.) We had better ask Mammy, I think.

J. – Much better.

R. – (Aloud.) Mammy, there is just one thing we want to ask you.

M. – Yes? What is it?

J. – Where do you think we had better have tea?

M. – Wherever you like. What do you say to the dining-room?

R. – The dining-room is so common.

M. – You may have it in here if you like.

J. – Oh, that would be the very thing!

R. – What table shall we have it on?

M. – (Looking round.) Let me see – would that one do?

R. – Oh, beautifully. Thank you so much, Mammy.

(They pull out the table and open it, while the mother writes.)

J. – Now, what next?

R. – The cloth, of course.

J. – I wonder where we can get one.

R. – Mammy!

M. – Well?

R. – What about a table-cloth?

M. – Hadn't you better ask Susan for one of the dining-room ones?

R. – Susan is always cross when we ask her for that kind of thing, she seems to think we make jam and cocoa stains on the table-cloths.

M. – Dear me, I wonder what can make her think that?

R. – I think it must be because Janet always spills the jam at breakfast.

J. – You needn't talk, for once you dropped a whole cutlet on to your knicker-bockers.

R. – But as we are not going to have cutlets, you needn't talk about it now.

M. – I don't think people ought to quarrel when they're giving a tea-party.

R. – No, we'll quarrel after tea, we're too busy now.

J. – Much!

R. – Well, what about the table-cloth, then?

M. – If you don't want to ask Susan I might lend you that embroidered five o'clock tea-cloth which I bought at the bazaar the other day.

R. – Oh, that would be the very thing! May we have it?

M. – Yes, if you like, it is in that drawer.

R. – Which drawer?

M. – The bottom one.

(Ralph opens the top one. Janet and he look in and look wonderingly at each other, and then shake their heads.)

R. – Mammy, we can't find it.

M. – Are you quite sure you are looking in the right drawer?

R. – Quite. You said the top drawer, didn't you?

M. – No. I said the bottom drawer.

R. – Oh, I thought you said the top drawer. (They look in. To Janet.) I wonder where it can be! (After a moment.) Mammy, I am so very sorry – we can't find it.

M. – (Gets up.) How very odd. I saw it there yesterday. Why, there it is just at the top, you little noodles!

R. – Oh, so it is, I hadn't seen it.

J. – Nor had I.

R. – Thank you so much, Mammy. (She goes back to her writing. To Janet.) Now, we must have our own cups and saucers out of the toy cupboard.

(They open the toy cupboard, and they both sit down on the ground. Janet takes out a trumpet and Ralph a drum. They blow the trumpet and beat the drum.)

M. – (Looking round.) My dear children, is that how you are laying the table?

R. – Oh, Mammy, I am so sorry! I forgot we were getting out our cups and saucers. (Ralph takes out cups and saucers and gives them to Janet.) Here they are, three cups and three saucers.

J. – Now I'm Susan!

(Janet arranges the cups and saucers close together at one side of the table.)

R. – You stupid girl, that is not how they ought to be arranged. Susan always put them quite apart from each other, and the tea-pot at one end of the table like this.

J. – Do let me have the tea-pot in front of me.

R. – Certainly not, it must be in front of me.

J. – Mammy, don't you think I ought to have the tea-pot in front of me? because I am a girl.

R. – No, I'll have it in front of me, because I am a boy.

M. – Suppose you put it in the middle of the table where you can both reach it. I shall sit at the side like a guest, and you can take turns.

R. – That will be delightful. We will put the tea-pot here, then.

J. – Where is the tea-pot?

R. – That's true, yes, we haven't got one of our own. Mammy, what tea-pot are we to have?

M. – Won't you have the one we always have at tea?

R. – No, it's too common. It won't seem like our own tea-party, then.

J. – I suppose we mightn't have one of the beautiful little tea-pots out of the china cupboard, just for once?

M. – Just for once, you may, if you take care of it.

(Ralph goes out L. Then comes back.)

R. – I am afraid I am not tall enough to reach the cupboard.

J. – You don't think, I suppose, you could come into the next room and get it for us?

M. – (Getting up.) I daresay I might.

J. – You see it is not our fault if we are not as tall as you, is it?

M. – Not quite, I daresay.

(She goes out. They watch her through the door.)

R. – Isn't Mammy tall when she stands on a foot-stool!

J. – I mean to be just the same size as Mammy is when I grow up.

R. – That's just like a girl, to say that sort of stupid thing. You don't know in the least how tall you will be when you grow up.

J. – Well, if girls are stupid, they are not so rude as boys.

R. – Girls are rude sometimes. It was very rude of you to talk about my dropping the cutlet into my lap.

M. – (Mother coming in with two tea-pots.) You don't mean to say you are still discussing that cutlet! Now, which of the tea-pots is it to be?

R. – Oh, Mammy, I have such a good idea! Let's have them both, one at each end, and then we can both pour out tea.

M. – Very well.

(They put tea-pots on table. They walk round the table looking at them. The Mother goes on writing.)

R. – Oh, this is capital. Now, we must get the things to eat. We shall want milk and sugar.

J. – And bread and butter and biscuits.

R. – And jam and cakes, perhaps – because, as it is our own tea-party, it ought to be a grand one.

J. – Of course.

R. – I've got some sugar that I put in my pocket this morning for the raven.

(Feels in his pocket, and brings out string, knife, etc., finally four lumps of sugar, one at a time.)

J. – Four lumps, will that be enough?

R. – I wonder how many Mammy will want. Mammy, do you like your tea very, very sweet?

M. – No, I don't like sugar in it at all.

R. – Oh, that's capital. Now, Janet, we can have two lumps each, one in each cup of tea. You can't have more. It's horrid to be greedy, you know.

J. – (With a sigh.) Well, I suppose that will have to do.

R. – Now, there's the milk, we'll ask the cook for that.

J. – And we shall want some spoons and knives.

R. – Susan will get out those.

J. – I should like to have some toast, too.

R. – We'll ask nurse to make that, they make such nice toast in the nursery.

J. – And then the biscuits.

R. – And the jam. We must ask Mammy what we may have. Mammy!

M. – What is it now?

R. – We may have some biscuits and some cakes, as well as bread and butter, mayn't we?

M. – Oh yes, you may look in the dining-room cupboard for what you want, if you don't take too much.

R. – Oh, how delightful! Come, Janet.

M. – (Alone.) Perhaps in the meantime I shall be able to add up my accounts!

(Writes intently. After a minute the children burst in again, carrying spoons, and knives, and plates.)

R. – Oh, Mammy, there are such a lot of things in the dining-room cupboard, we don't know which to choose.

J. – I wish you would come and help us.

R. – I suppose you're too busy, aren't you?

M. – Oh, I daresay I can manage it. (Gets up.)

R. – (Who is laying the table.) You know really, Mammy, the best thing would be that you should look into the dining-room cupboard, while Janet and I finish the table; we are so very busy, you see.

M. – (Smiling.) I will go and look in the cupboard and see what I can find. (Exit Mother.)

R. – Now, this is getting on splendidly, isn't it Janet? Let me see, have we remembered everything?

J. – I think so. The cook is making the tea and getting the milk.

R. – Susan is cutting the bread and butter.

J. – Nurse is making the toast.

R. – Mammy is choosing the cakes and the jam. I must say I do feel proud of doing it all by ourselves, without giving anybody extra trouble.

J. – Yes, it makes me feel as if we were such good children.

R. – So it does me.

J. – I should like to feel like this every day.

R. – Oh, I think one would soon get tired of it, you know. Oh, here comes Mammy! (They both run up to her as she comes in.) Well, Mammy, well?

M. – Well, you had better go into the dining-room and see if you approve of my choice.

R. – Oh, thank you. Now we must have some plates to put the cakes upon.

J. – Mammy, may we just for once have those beautiful little plates out of the china cupboard?

M. – Just for once then, if you take good care of them.

R. – Then, Mammy, I think you had better get them out for fear we should break them.

M. – Very well, let's go and get them.

(She gives a hand to each.)

J. – Oh, are you not pleased with us for arranging our tea-party all by ourselves! (They go out.)

Curtain