The Duchess of Dublin

Dr. A. To be sure I would.

Dennis. Hiven bliss ye! Thin fich her out. Let me faist my eyes on her beautiful face, her illigant, dignified figure. Let me kiss the him of her magnificent dress, and hear her swate voice spake the brogue of the gim of the say.

Dr. A. What are you talking about? Who do you want to see?

Dennis. You know will what I mane – her grace, the noble, moighty, illigant "Duchess of Dublin."

Dr. A. What? "The Duchess of Dublin?" Out of my house at once, or I shall do you an injury.

Dennis. Faix, you don't mane it. Rob an Irishman of his right to pay his rispicts to a high-born lady uv his own counthry?

Dr. A. Do you see that door?

Dennis. Faix, I'm not blind.

Dr. A. Then get the other side of it at once. (Takes cane.) I've had enough of "The Duchess of Dublin."

Dennis. Is that so? Thin I'm the b'y to take her off ye's hands.

Dr. A. Will you leave this house?

Dennis. To be sure I will, afther I've seen her grace.

Dr. A. (rushes at him with cane). O, you will have it – will you?

Dennis (backing to door). Aisy, docther; I want none uv ye's medicine. But I'll say the duchess, so I will, wid ye's lave or widout it.

[Exit, L.

Dr. A. Has the whole village gone crazy? or is this some infernal plot to drive me into hopeless lunacy?

Plumpface coughs outside, then enters, L.

Plumpface. Doctor (cough), I thought you were coming to (cough) see me?

Dr. A. I'll be there in half an hour, Mr. Plumpface. Business of a very serious nature has detained me here.

Plumpface. Yes (cough), I know. She kept you.

Dr. A. She – Who do you mean?

Plumpface. O (cough), it's all right, doctor. I'm in the secret. (Cough.) I've seen her; spite of her disguise, I knew her at once. (Cough.)

Dr. A. Knew her at once? Who, pray?

Plumpface. O, you sly dog! (Cough.) The duchess.

Dr. A. Heavens and earth! She here again?

Plumpface. She hasn't been away – has she? (Cough.)

Dr. A. Look here, Plumpface. Go home, quick! Go to your room, get into bed, and don't stir until I get there.

Plumpface. What's the matter now?

Dr. A. Your case has taken a serious turn. You are going to get rid of that cough. It's going to your head. You will be mad.

Plumpface. Mad? You don't say so! What a horrible idea! I'm afraid you're right. I haven't coughed for three minutes. O, doctor, is there no hope?

Dr. A. Don't stop to talk. Get home at once. (Pushes him out of door, L.) Run for your life. How he goes! The exercise will do his lungs good; but his head, poor fellow! He's got the duchess fever.

Enter Oldbuck, L.

Oldbuck. I say, doctor, what's the matter with Plumpface? I met him, running. Is there a fire anywhere?

Dr. A. Yes, very near him – in his head. It has been turned.

Oldbuck. You don't say so. By what, pray?

Dr. A. By "The Duchess of Dublin."

Oldbuck. Egad! she's enough to turn anybody's head. But I say, doctor, how is she?

Dr. A. What?

Oldbuck. I'm mightily interested in her. How's she getting along? I've seen her, too.

Dr. A. O, this is too much. Oldbuck, look at that foot.

Oldbuck. What's the matter?

Dr. A. It's swelling fearfully. A dangerous symptom. It must be kept down. (Steps on his foot.)

Oldbuck. O, murder! Confound you, what are you doing?

Dr. A. Keeping down the swelling. (Steps again.)

Oldbuck. O! Do you want to murder me?

Dr. A. (steps again. Oldbuck avoids him, and runs round stage, crying out). I tell you, there's no other way. (Steps.) Get home, quick! (Steps.) Quick! If the swelling continues (steps) 'twill reach a vital part. (Steps.) Go home! (Oldbuck runs out, L., crying out.) He's gone. No more practice to-day. (Locks door.) O, that infernal duchess! She's nearly driven me mad, mad, mad! (Sinks into chair.)

Enter Annie, R.

Annie. O, brother, what does it all mean? The yard is filled with people.

Enter Maggie, R., with broom.

Maggie. And the fince is covered wid bys, roosting loike so many hins. I'll have them off, jist. (Goes, L.)

Dr. A. Stop! Don't open that door. My life's in danger if you open that door. (Shouts outside, "Hi! hi! The duchess! the duchess!") O, Lord! the whole village has got it – and got it bad. O, Annie, if you love me, send for Dr. Allopath, send for Judge Busted, or I am completely busted.

Annie. Brother, are you sick? What does this mean?

Enter Frank and Lucy, R.

Frank. It means fame, fortune. O, it's glorious!

Dr. A. Glorious to have your front yard filled with a howling, yelling pack? Hear that. (Shouts outside, "Hi! hi! The duchess! the duchess!")

Frank. O, that's all right.

Dr. A. (jumping up). All right! And perhaps 'twas all right when I saw you a half hour ago with your arms around my affianced bride.

Annie. You did? O, Frank, how could you?

Frank. It's all right, I tell you. (Shouts outside, as before.) I can explain. But, in the mean time, we've work before us. Here, Lucy, just throw that cloud around your head so your eyes alone will be visible. (She does so.) That's good. Now, doctor, give Lucy your arm.

Dr. A. But I would like to know —

Frank. So you shall. In the mean time unhesitatingly obey me. Your professional reputation is at stake. Give Lucy your arm, go up stairs, open the window, step out upon the balcony, and gracefully bow to the assembled people. (Shouts as before.)

Dr. A. Yes, but this proceeding —

Lucy. Is strictly proper. Depend upon it, Adam, there is no other way.

Dr. A. If there is no other way, will you be kind enough to tell me what this way is?

Lucy. Right up stairs. Come.

Dr. A. But what is it about?

Lucy. About time we were up stairs – so come along.

[Exit, Dr. Aconite and Lucy, R.

Annie. Now, Mr. Frank Friskey, I should like to know —

Frank. Hush! (Goes to door, L. Shouts as before.) I hear them above. Now he opens the window. Good. (Outside shouts, "Hurrah! hurrah! hurrah!") Splendid!

Alice. Will you oblige me – (Outside shouts, "Hurrah! hurrah! hurrah!")

Frank. Good, good! Ah, now he's shutting the window.

Maggie. 'Pon my sowl, is it the prisident?

Frank. The crowd is breaking up. (Knock at door, L.)

Enter Dr. Aconite and Lucy, R.

Dr. A. Will anybody, male or female, be kind enough to look in my face, and tell me if I am Adam Aconite, or if I am not Acom Adamite.

Frank. I'll be back in a minute. (Runs off, R.)

Maggie. Sure it's the most mysterious mystery that iver took place. It bates the deluge, sure. (Knock at door, L.)

Lucy. Shall I open the door, doctor?

Dr. A. No – yes – don't mind me. I'm not myself. I'm out of my head. I'm mad, mad, mad! (Sinks into chair.)

Annie. O, brother! isn't this terrible? (Knock, L.)

Maggie. Bedad, there'll be a breakdown at that door, or I'm mistaken. (Opens door. Oldbuck, Sharpset, Plumpface, and Dennis tumble in on floor.) Troth, is that a pelite way to inter the house? (They pick themselves up.)

Oldbuck. Introduce me, doctor.

Plumpface. No; me first, doctor.

Sharpset. I'll hold to my bargain.

Dennis. Presint me, docther.

Maggie (swinging her broom round her head). Shoo! Away wid ye's! Don't you say the docther's sick? (They fall back.)

Dr. A. (rising). Gentlemen, I am at your mercy. An hour ago I was the possessor of a noble intellect. Now, I am like the reed shaken by the blast. To whom shall I present you?

Oldbuck, Plumpface, Sharpset, Dennis. "The Duchess of Dublin."

Dr. A. "Monsieur Tonson come again." (Sinks into chair.)

Maggie. "The Duchess of Dublin." O, be aisy wid yer nonsinse. Sure there's nobody here that answers to that name at all at all.

Enter Frank, R.

Frank. No, because her grace has just been driven away in her own carriage. I had the honor of bringing her here; I have had the honor to conduct her from this place, and to receive her thanks for the able manner in which she has been treated by Dr. Aconite.

Dr. A. (comes down, C.). Have you been taken, too, Frank? Alas! poor fellow!

Frank. O, it's all right! Listen to me. Annie! Lucy! (Beckons to them. They come down, C. Oldbuck, Plumpface, Sharpset, and Dennis come down.) Your pardon, gentlemen, a little family secret.