Enter Mrs. Somerby, L
Mrs. S. Silas Somerby! are you a man, or are you a monster?
Silas. Hey? Ha, ha! Yes, I don’t look very spruce, that’s a fact. The water was cold, and the razor dull, and – and —
Mrs. S. And your hand shakes so you can’t shave. O, Silas, Silas! At your time of life! I blush for you!
Silas. O, bother, now! What are you frettin’ ’bout? I ain’t killed anybody, or robbed anybody’s house – have I?
Mrs. S. You’ve done somethin’ as bad. You’ve been on a spree, and squandered every cent you had in your pocket.
Silas. S’pose I did? Ain’t a hard-working man a right to enjoy himself once in a while, I’d like to know? Now you jest shet up! I’m the master of this farm, and if I choose to show a liberal spirit once in a while, and help along trade by spreading a little cash about, it ain’t for you to holler and “blush – ”
Mrs. S. Silas Somerby!
Silas. Shet up! if you don’t, I’ll harness up old Jack, and clear out.
Mrs. S. For another spree? O, you wretch! ain’t you ashamed of yourself, to set sich an example to the young uns? And that critter you sent home! Do you want us to be devoured?
Silas. Critter! critter! What critter?
Mrs. S. O, you know well enough; and I guess you’ll find you’ve made a poor bargain this time. I always told you rum would be your ruin; and if you don’t see the poorhouse staring you in the face afore night, I’m very much mistaken.
Enter Harry, L
Silas. What on airth are yer talking about? Are yer crazy, or have yer been drinking?
Harry. (Comes down between them.) Hush! not a word! We must not let anybody know you are in the house!
Silas. Hey! what ails you? Got a touch of the old lady’s complaint?
Harry. Hush! Not so loud! We must be cautious. Sheriff Brown is looking for you; but I’ve put him off the scent.
Silas. Then oblige me by putting me on it. What’s the matter? Why is the sheriff looking for me?
Harry. Hush! Not so loud! It’s all about him. (Pointing over his left shoulder.)
Silas. Him! him! Consarn his picter! who is him?
Harry. Hush! Not so loud! I’ve got him locked up in the barn. He got into the melon beds; they’re gone: then into the cucumbers; he’s pickled them all. But I’ve got him safe now.
Enter Johnny, L
Johnny. By Jinks! the critter’s hauled the sleigh down from the rafters; broke it all to smash!
Enter Sally, L
Sally. O, mother, he’s stepped into your tub of eggs, and there ain’t a whole one left.
Mrs. S. I told you so. O, Silas, how could you?
Silas. Are you all crazy? Who has trampled the melons? Who has pickled the cucumbers? Who has smashed the sleigh? And who has sucked the eggs? I pause for a reply.
All. (In chorus.) Your elephant!
Silas. My elephant? My elephant? Pooh! Nonsense! I don’t own any such critter.
Johnny. Say, dad, have yer forgotten the auction yesterday – the tiger, and the monkey, and the elephant?
Silas. What? Stop! O, my head! It must be so. Did I buy that elephant?
Harry. He is in the barn, Mr. Somerby.
Silas. I’m a ruined man! (Sinks into chair L. of table.) Is he alive?
Mrs. S. He ought to be, with half a ton of hay inside him.
Silas. O, my hay! my hay!
Johnny. And a barrel of turnips.
Silas. O, ruin! ruin!
Sally. And a whole basket of carrots.
Silas. I’ll shoot him! I’ll shoot him!
Johnny. That’s easier said than done, dad. Them critters die hard; and we ain’t got the cannon to bombard him with.
Harry. Come, Johnny, let’s look after him. I’m afraid he will get into more mischief. Will you have a look at him, Mr. Somerby?
Silas. Look at him? Never! Find me a way to get rid of him, quick!
Harry. That’s not such an easy matter. Nobody would take the gift of him; and nobody but a fool would buy him.
Mrs. S. That’s a fact. O, my eggs! my eggs! Eighty dozen, all ready for market!
Sally. Law sakes! that elephant has made me forget the breakfast things. (Clears away the table, carrying things off, L.)
Harry. I suppose you want him to have plenty of hay?
Silas. (Fiercely.) Feed him till he splits, or dies of indigestion!
[Exit Harry, L.
Johnny. Say, dad, he’ll be grand, if we can only put him to the plough.
Silas. (Fiercely.) Clear out, yer jackanapes!
[Exit Johnny, L.
Mrs. S. I’ll go and look after the poultry. If he gets in among ’em, good by to Thanksgiving. It’s all right, Silas. It’s a pretty big critter to have about; but it shows “a liberal spirit” – don’t it?
[Exit, L.
Silas. Shut up! Clear out! – Wal, I guess I brought home a pretty big load last night, accordin’ to the looks of things. Now, what on airth set me on to buy that elephant? Must have been the Ottawa beer. What on airth shall I do with him? He’ll eat us out of house and home. If I kill him, there’s an end of it. No, the beginnin’, for we’d have to dig up the whole farm to bury him. But he must be got rid of somehow. O, Somerby, you’ve a long row to hoe here!
Enter Harry, L
Harry. Now, sir, let us look this matter calmly in the face. (Sits R. of table.)
Silas. What matter?
Harry. Well, suppose we call it “consequential damages.”
Silas. Call it what you like. It’s a big critter, and should have a big name.
Harry. You don’t understand me. I told you Sheriff Brown was looking for you. There are about a dozen complaints lodged against you already. This is likely to be a costly affair.
Silas. Sheriff Brown – complaints – costly affair! Why, what do you mean? Isn’t it bad enough to be caught with an elephant on your hands?
Harry. Well, your elephant, not being acquainted in this part of the country, got out of the road a little in travelling towards his present quarters. For instance, he walked into Squire Brown’s fence, and carried away about a rod of it.