DIONYSUS. Aye, I like to mingle with these choruses; I would fain dance and sport with that young girl.
XANTHIAS. And I too.
CHORUS. Would you like us to mock together at Archidemus? He is still awaiting his seven-year teeth to have himself entered as a citizen;434 but he is none the less a chief of the people among the Athenians and the greatest rascal of 'em all. I am told that Clisthenes is tearing the hair out of his rump and lacerating his cheeks on the tomb of Sebinus, the Anaphlystian;435 with his forehead against the ground, he is beating his bosom and groaning and calling him by name. As for Callias,436 the illustrious son of Hippobinus, the new Heracles, he is fighting a terrible battle of love on his galleys; dressed up in a lion's skin, he fights a fierce naval battle—with the girls' cunts.
DIONYSUS. Could you tell us where Pluto dwells? We are strangers and have just arrived.
CHORUS. Go no farther, and know without further question that you are at his gates.
DIONYSUS. Slave, pick up your baggage.
XANTHIAS. This wretched baggage, 'tis like Corinth, the daughter of Zeus, for it's always in his mouth.437
CHORUS. And now do ye, who take part in this religious festival, dance a gladsome round in the flowery grove in honour of the goddess.438
DIONYSUS. As for myself, I will go with the young girls and the women into the enclosure, where the nocturnal ceremonies are held; 'tis I will bear the sacred torch.
CHORUS. Let us go into the meadows, that are sprinkled with roses, to form, according to our rites, the graceful choirs, over which the blessed Fates preside. 'Tis for us alone that the sun doth shine; his glorious rays illumine the Initiate, who have led the pious life, that is equally dear to strangers and citizens.
DIONYSUS. Come now! how should we knock at this door? How do the dwellers in these parts knock?
XANTHIAS. Lose no time and attack the door with vigour, if you have the courage of Heracles as well as his costume.
DIONYSUS. Ho! there! Slave!
AEACUS. Who's there?
DIONYSUS. Heracles, the bold.
AEACUS. Ah! wretched, impudent, shameless, threefold rascal, the most rascally of rascals. Ah! 'tis you who hunted out our dog Cerberus, whose keeper I was! But I have got you to-day; and the black stones of Styx, the rocks of Acheron, from which the blood is dripping, and the roaming dogs of Cocytus shall account to me for you; the hundred-headed Hydra shall tear your sides to pieces; the Tartessian Muraena439 shall fasten itself on your lungs and the Tithrasian440 Gorgons shall tear your kidneys and your gory entrails to shreds; I will go and fetch them as quickly as possible.
XANTHIAS. Eh! what are you doing there?
DIONYSUS (stooping down). I have just shit myself! Invoke the god.441
XANTHIAS. Get up at once. How a stranger would laugh, if he saw you.
DIONYSUS. Ah! I'm fainting. Place a sponge on my heart.
XANTHIAS. Here, take it.
DIONYSUS. Place it yourself.
XANTHIAS. But where? Good gods, where is your heart?
DIONYSUS. It has sunk into my shoes with fear. (Takes his slave's hand holding the sponge, and applies it to his bottom.)
XANTHIAS. Oh! you most cowardly of gods and men!
DIONYSUS. What! I cowardly? I, who have asked you for a sponge! 'Tis what no one else would have done.
XANTHIAS. How so?
DIONYSUS. A poltroon would have fallen backwards, being overcome with the fumes; as for me, I got up and moreover I wiped myself clean.
XANTHIAS. Ah! by Posidon! a wonderful feat of intrepidity!
DIONYSUS. Aye, certainly. And you did not tremble at the sound of his threatening words?
XANTHIAS. They never troubled me.
DIONYSUS. Well then, since you are so brave and fearless, become what I am, take this bludgeon and this lion's hide, you, whose heart has no knowledge of fear; I, in return, will carry the baggage.
XANTHIAS. Here, take it, take it quick! 'this my duty to obey you, and behold, Heracles-Xanthias! Do I look like a coward of your kidney?
DIONYSUS. No. You are the exact image of the god of Melité,442 dressed up as a rascal. Come, I will take the baggage.
FEMALE ATTENDANT OF PERSEPHONÉ. Ah! is it you then, beloved Heracles? Come in. As soon as ever the goddess, my mistress Persephoné, knew of your arrival, she quickly had the bread into the oven and clapped two or three pots of bruised peas upon the fire; she has had a whole bullock roasted and both cakes and rolled backed. Come in quick!
XANTHIAS. No, thank you.
ATTENDANT. Oh! by Apollo! I shall not let you off. She has also had poultry boiled for you, sweetmeats makes, and has prepared you some delicious wine. Come then, enter with me.
XANTHIAS. I am much obliged.
ATTENDANT. Are you mad? I will not let you go. There is likewise and enchanted flute-girl specially for you, and two or three dancing wenches.
XANTHIAS. What do you say? Dancing wenches?
ATTENDANT. In the prime of their life and all freshly depilated. Come, enter, for the cook was going to take the fish off the fire and the table was being spread.
XANTHIAS. Very well then! Run in quickly and tell the dancing-girls I am coming. Slave! pick up the baggage and follow me.
DIONYSUS. Not so fast! Oh! indeed! I disguise you as Heracles for a joke and you take the thing seriously! None of your nonsense, Xanthias! Take back the baggage.
XANTHIAS. What? You are not thinking of taking back what you gave me yourself?
DIONYSUS. No, I don't think about it; I do it. Off with that skin!
XANTHIAS. Witness how i am treated, ye great dogs, and be my judges!
DIONYSUS. What gods? Are you so stupid, such a fool? How can you, a slave and a mortal, be the son of Alcmena?
XANTHIAS. Come then! 'tis well! take them. But perhaps you will be needing me one day, an it please the gods.
CHORUS. 'Tis the act of a wise and sensible man, who has done much sailing, always to trim his sail towards the quarter whence the fair wind wafts, rather than stand stiff and motionless like a god Terminus.443 To change your part to serve your own interest is to act like a clever man, a true Theramenes.444
DIONYSUS. Faith! 'twould be funny indeed if Xanthias, a slave, were indolently stretched out on purple cushions and fucking the dancing-girl; if he were then to ask me for a pot, while I, looking on, would be rubbing my tool, and this master rogue, on seeing it, were to know out my front teeth with a blow of his fist.
FIRST INKEEPER'S WIFE. Here! Plathané, Plathané! do come! here is the rascal who once came into our shop and ate up sixteen loaves for us.
SECOND INKEEPER'S WIFE. Aye, truly, 'tis he himself!
XANTHIAS. This is turning out rough for somebody.
FIRST WIFE. And besides that, twenty pieces of boiled meat at half an obolus apiece.
XANTHIAS. There's someone going to get punished.
FIRST WIFE. And I don't know how many cloves of garlic.
DIONYSUS. You are rambling, my dear, you don't know what you are saying.
FIRST WIFE. Hah! you thought I should not know you, because of your buskins! And then all the salt fish, I had forgotten that!
SECOND WIFE. And then, alas! the fresh cheese that he devoured, osier baskets and all! Ten, when I asked for my money, he started to roar and shoot terrible looks at me.
XANTHIAS. As! I recognize him well by that token; 'tis just his way.
SECOND WIFE. And he drew out his sword like a madman.
FIRST WIFE. By the gods, yes.
SECOND WIFE. Terrified to death, we clambered up to the upper storey, and he fled at top speed, carrying off our baskets with him.
XANTHIAS. Ah! this is again his style! But you ought to take action.
FIRST WIFE. Run quick and call Cleon, my patron.
SECOND WIFE. And you, should you run against Hyperbolus,445 bring him to me; we will knock the life out of our robber.
FIRST WIFE. Oh! you miserable glutton! how I should delight in breaking those grinders of yours, which devoured my goods!
SECOND WIFE. And I in hurling you into the malefactor's pit.
FIRST WIFE. And I in slitting with one stroke of the sickle that gullet that bolted down the tripe. But I am going to fetch Cleon; he shall summon you before the court this very day and force you to disgorge.
DIONYSUS. May I die, if Xanthias is not my dearest friend.
XANTHIAS. Can I be the son of Alcmena, I, a slave and a mortal?
DIONYSUS. I know, I know, that you are in a fury and you have the right to be; you can even beat me and I will not reply. But if I ever take this costume from you again, may I die of the most fearful torture—I, my wife, my children, all those who belong to me, down to the very last, and blear-eyed Archidemus446 into the bargain.
XANTHIAS. I accept your oath, and on those terms I agree.
CHORUS. 'Tis now your cue, since you have resumed the dress, to act the brave and to throw terror into your glance, thus recalling the god whom you represent. But if you play your part badly, if you yield to any weakness, you will again have to load your shoulders with the baggage.
XANTHIAS. Friends, your advice is good, but I was thinking the same myself; if there is any good to be got, my master will again want to despoil me of this costume, of that I am quite certain. Ne'ertheless, I am going to show a fearless heart and shoot forth ferocious looks. And lo! the time for it has come, for I hear a noise at the door.
AEACUS (to his slaves). Bind me this dog-thief,447 that he may be punished. Hurry yourselves, hurry!
DIONYSUS. This is going to turn out badly for someone.
XANTHIAS. Look to yourselves and don't come near me.
AEACUS. Hah! you would show fight! Ditylas, Sceblyas, Pardocas,448 come here and have at him!
DIONYSUS. Ah! you would strike him because he has stolen!
XANTHIAS. 'Tis horrible!
DIONYSUS. 'Tis a revolting cruelty!
XANTHIAS. By Zeus! may I die, if I ever came here or stole from you the value of a pin! But I will act nobly; take this slave, put him to the question, and if you obtain the proof of my guilt, put me to death.
AEACUS. In what manner shall I put him to the question?
XANTHIAS. In every manner; you may lash him to the wooden horse, hang him, cut him open with scourging, flay him, twist his limbs, pour vinegar down his nostrils, load him with bricks, anything you like; only don't beat him with leeks or fresh garlic.449
AEACUS. 'Tis well conceived; but if the blows maim your slave, you will be claiming damages from me.
XANTHIAS. No, certainly not! set about putting him to the question.
AEACUS. It shall be done here, for I wish him to speak in your presence.
Come, put down your pack, and be careful not to lie.
DIONYSUS. I forbid you to torture me, for I am immortal; if you dare it, woe to you!
AEACUS. What say you?
DIONYSUS. I say that I am an immortal, Dionysus, the son of Zeus, and that this fellow is only a slave.
AEACUS (to Xanthias). D'you hear him?
XANTHIAS. Yes. 'Tis all the better reason for beating him with rods, for, if he is a god, he will not feel the blows.
DIONYSUS (to Xanthias).
But why, pray, since you also claim to be a god, should you not be beaten like myself?
XANTHIAS (to Aeacus).
That's fair. Very well then, whichever of us two you first see crying and caring for the blows, him believe not to be a god.
AEACUS. 'Tis spoken like a brave fellow; you don't refuse what is right.
Strip yourselves.
XANTHIAS. To do the thing fairly, how do you propose to act?
AEACUS. Oh! that's easy. I shall hit you one after the other.
XANTHIAS. Well thought of.
AEACUS. There! (He strikes Xanthias.)
XANTHIAS. Watch if you see me flinch.
AEACUS. I have already struck you.
XANTHIAS. No, you haven't.
AEACUS. Why, you have not felt it at all, I think. Now for t'other one.
DIONYSUS. Be quick about it.
AEACUS. But I have struck you.
DIONYSUS. Ah! I did not even sneeze. How is that?
AEACUS. I don't know; come, I will return to the first one.
XANTHIAS. Get it over. Oh, oh!
AEACUS. What does that "oh, oh!" mean? Did it hurt you?
XANTHIAS. Oh, no! but I was thinking of the feasts of Heracles, which are being held at Diomeia.450
AEACUS. Oh! what a pious fellow! I pass on to the other again.
DIONYSUS. Oh! oh!
AEACUS. What's wrong?
DIONYSUS. I see some knights.451
AEACUS. Why are you weeping?
DIONYSUS. Because I can smell onions.
AEACUS. Ha! so you don't care a fig for the blows?
DIONYSUS. Not the least bit in the world.
AEACUS. Well, let us proceed. Your turn now.
XANTHIAS. Oh, I say!
AEACUS. What's the matter?
XANTHIAS. Pull out this thorn.452
AEACUS. What? Now the other one again.
DIONYSUS. "Oh, Apollo!… King of Delos and Delphi!"
XANTHIAS. He felt that. Do you hear?
DIONYSUS. Why, no! I was quoting an iambic of Hipponax.
XANTHIAS. 'Tis labour in vain. Come, smite his flanks.
AEACUS. No, present your belly.
DIONYSUS. Oh, Posidon …
XANTHIAS. Ah! here's someone who's feeling it.
DIONYSUS. … who reignest on the Aegean headland and in the depths of the azure sea.453
AEACUS. By Demeter, I cannot find out which of you is the god. But come in; the master and Persephoné will soon tell you, for they are gods themselves.
DIONYSUS. You are quite right; but you should have thought of that before you beat us.
CHORUS. Oh! Muse, take part in our sacred choruses; our songs will enchant you and you shall see a people of wise men, eager for a nobler glory than that of Cleophon,454 the braggart, the swallow, who deafens us with his hoarse cries, while perched upon a Thracian tree. He whines in his barbarian tongue and repeats the lament of Philomela with good reason, for even if the votes were equally divided, he would have to perish.455
The sacred chorus owes the city its opinion and its wise lessons. First I demand that equality be restored among the citizens, so that none may be disquieted. If there be any whom the artifices of Phrynichus have drawn into any error,456 let us allow them to offer their excuses and let us forget these old mistakes. Furthermore, that there be not a single citizen in Athens who is deprived of his rights; otherwise would it not be shameful to see slaves become masters and treated as honourably as Plataeans, because they helped in a single naval fight?457 Not that I censure this step, for, on the contrary I approve it; 'tis the sole thing you have done that is sensible. But those citizens, both they and their fathers, have so often fought with you and are allied to you by ties of blood, so ought you not to listen to their prayers and pardon them their single fault? Nature has given you wisdom, therefore let your anger cool and let all those who have fought together on Athenian galleys live in brotherhood and as fellow-citizens, enjoying the same equal rights; to show ourselves proud and intractable about granting the rights of the city, especially at a time when we are riding at the mercy of the waves,458 is a folly, of which we shall later repent.
If I am adept at reading the destiny or the soul of a man, the fatal hour for little Cligenes459 is near, that unbearable ape, the greatest rogue of all the washermen, who use a mixture of ashes and Cimolian earth and call it potash.460 He knows it; hence he is always armed for war; for he fears, if he ventures forth without his bludgeon, he would be stripped of his clothes when he is drunk.
I have often noticed that there are good and honest citizens in Athens, who are as old gold is to new money. The ancient coins are excellent in point of standard; they are assuredly the best of all moneys; they alone are well struck and give a pure ring; everywhere they obtain currency, both in Greece and in strange lands; yet we make no use of them and prefer those bad copper pieces quite recently issued and so wretchedly struck. Exactly in the same way do we deal with our citizens. If we know them to be well-born, sober, brave, honest, adepts in the exercises of the gymnasium and in the liberal arts, they are the butts of our contumely and we have only a use for the petty rubbish, consisting of strangers, slaves and low-born folk not worth a whit more, mushrooms of yesterday, whom formerly Athens would not have even wanted as scapegoats. Madmen, do change your ways at last; employ the honest men afresh; if you are fortunate through doing this, 'twill be but right, and if Fate betrays you, the wise will at least praise you for having fallen honourably.
AEACUS. By Zeus, the Deliverer! what a brave man your master is.
XANTHIAS. A brave man! I should think so indeed, for he only knows how to drink and to make love!
AEACUS. He has convicted you of lying and did not thrash the impudent rascal who had dared to call himself the master.
XANTHIAS. Ah! he would have rued it if he had.
AEACUS. Well spoken! that's a reply that does a slave credit; 'tis thus that I like to act too.
XANTHIAS. How, pray?
AEACUS. I am beside myself with joy, when I can curse my master in secret.
XANTHIAS. And when you go off grumbling, after having been well thrashed?
AEACUS. I am delighted.
XANTHIAS. And when you make yourself important?
AEACUS. I know of nothing sweeter.
XANTHIAS. Ah! by Zeus! we are brothers. And when you are listening to what your masters are saying?
AEACUS. 'Tis a pleasure that drives me to distraction.
XANTHIAS. And when you repeat it to strangers?
AEACUS. Oh! I feel as happy as if I were emitting semen.
XANTHIAS. By Phoebus Apollo! reach me your hand; come hither, that I may embrace you; and, in the name of Zeus, the Thrashed one, tell me what all this noise means, these shouts, these quarrels, that I can hear going on inside yonder.
AEACUS. 'Tis Aeschylus and Euripides.
XANTHIAS. What do you mean?
AEACUS. The matter is serious, very serious indeed; all Hades is in commotion.
XANTHIAS. What's it all about?
AEACUS. We have a law here, according to which, whoever in each of the great sciences and liberal arts beats all his rivals, is fed at the Prytaneum and sits at Pluto's side …
XANTHIAS. I know that.
AEACUS. … until someone cleverer than he in the same style of thing comes along; then he has to give way to him.
XANTHIAS. And how has this law disturbed Aeschylus?
AEACUS. He held the chair for tragedy, as being the greatest in his art.
XANTHIAS. And who has it now?
AEACUS. When Euripides descended here, he started reciting his verses to the cheats, cut-purses, parricides, and brigands, who abound in Hades; his supple and tortuous reasonings filled them with enthusiasm, and they pronounced him the cleverest by far. So Euripides, elated with pride, took possession of the throne on which Aeschylus was installed.
XANTHIAS. And did he not get stoned?
AEACUS. No, but the folk demanded loudly that a regular trial should decide to which of the two the highest place belonged.
XANTHIAS. What folk? this mob of rascals? (Points to the spectators.)
AEACUS. Their clamour reached right up to heaven.
XANTHIAS. And had Aeschylus not his friends too?
AEACUS. Good people are very scarce here, just the same as on earth.
XANTHIAS. What does Pluto reckon to do?
AEACUS. To open a contest as soon as possible; the two rivals will show their skill, and finally a verdict will be given.
XANTHIAS. What! has not Sophocles also claimed the chair then?
AEACUS. No, no! he embraced Aeschylus and shook his hand, when he came down; he could have taken the seat, for Aeschylus vacated it for him; but according to Clidemides,461 he prefers to act as his second; if Aeschylus triumphs, he will stay modestly where he is, but if not, he has declared that he will contest the prize with Euripides.
XANTHIAS. When is the contest to begin?
AEACUS. Directly! the battle royal is to take place on this very spot.
Poetry is to be weighed in the scales.
XANTHIAS. What? How can tragedy be weighed?
AEACUS. They will bring rulers and compasses to measure the words, and those forms which are used for moulding bricks, also diameter measures and wedges, for Euripides says he wishes to torture every verse of his rival's tragedies.
XANTHIAS. If I mistake not, Aeschylus must be in a rage.
AEACUS. With lowered head he glares fiercely like a bull.
XANTHIAS. And who will be the judge?
AEACUS. The choice was difficult; it was seen that there was a dearth of able men. Aeschylus took exception to the Athenians …
XANTHIAS. No doubt he thought there were too many thieves among them.
AEACUS. … and moreover believed them too light-minded to judge of a poet's merits. Finally they fell back upon your master, because he understands tragic poetry.462 But let us go in; when the masters are busy, we must look out for blows!
CHORUS. Ah! what fearful wrath will be surging in his heart! what a roar there'll be when he sees the babbler who challenges him sharpening his teeth! how savagely his eyes will roll! What a battle of words like plumed helmets and waving crests hurling themselves against fragile outbursts and wretched parings! We shall see the ingenious architect of style defending himself against immense periods. Then, the close hairs of his thick mane all a-bristle, the giant will knit his terrible brow; he will pull out verses as solidly bolted together as the framework of a ship and will hurl them forth with a roar, while the pretty speaker with the supple and sharpened tongue, who weighs each syllable and submits everything to the lash of his envy, will cut this grand style to mincemeat and reduce to ruins this edifice erected by one good sturdy puff of breath.463
EURIPIDES (to Dionysus). Your advice is in vain, I shall not vacate the chair, for I contend I am superior to him.
DIONYSUS. Aeschylus, why do you keep silent? You understand what he says.
EURIPIDES. He is going to stand on his dignity first; 'tis a trick he never failed to use in his tragedies.
DIONYSUS. My dear fellow, a little less arrogance, please.
EURIPIDES. Oh! I know him for many a day. I have long had a thorough hold of his ferocious heroes, for his high-flown language and of the monstrous blustering words which his great, gaping mouth hurls forth thick and close without curb or measure.
AESCHYLUS. It is indeed you, the son of a rustic goddess,464 who dare to treat me thus, you, who only know how to collect together stupid sayings and to stitch the rags of your beggars?465 I shall make you rue your insults.
DIONYSUS. Enough said, Aeschylus, calm the wild wrath that is turning your heart into a furnace.
AESCHYLUS. No, not until I have clearly shown the true value of this impudent fellow with his lame men.466
DIONYSUS. A lamb, a black lamb! Slaves, bring it quickly, the storm-cloud is about to burst.467
AESCHYLUS. Shame on your Cretan monologues!468 Shame on the infamous nuptials469 that you introduce into the tragic art!
DIONYSUS. Curb yourself, noble Aeschylus, and as for you, my poor Euripides, be prudent, protect yourself from this hailstorm, or he may easily in his rage hit you full in the temple with some terrible word, that would let out your Telephus.470 Come, Aeschylus, no flying into a temper! discuss the question coolly; poets must not revile each other like market wenches. Why, you shout at the very outset and burst out like a pine that catches fire in the forest.
EURIPIDES. I am ready for the contest and don't flinch; let him choose the attack or the defence; let him discuss everything, the dialogue, the choruses, the tragic genius, Peleus, Aeolus, Meleager471 and especially Telephus.
DIONYSUS. And what do you propose to do, Aeschylus? Speak!
AESCHYLUS. I should have wished not to maintain a contest that is not equal or fair.
DIONYSUS. Why not fair?
AESCHYLUS. Because my poetry has outlived me, whilst his died with him and he can use it against me. However, I submit to your ruling.
DIONYSUS. Let incense and a brazier be brought, for I want to offer a prayer to the gods. Thanks to their favour, may I be able to decide between these ingenious rivals as a clever expert should! And do you sing a hymn in honour of the Muses.
CHORUS. Oh! ye chaste Muses, the daughters of Zeus, you who read the fine and subtle minds of thought-makers when they enter upon a contest of quibbles and tricks, look down on these two powerful athletes; inspire them, one with mighty words and the other with odds and ends of verses. Now the great mind contest is beginning.
DIONYSUS. And do you likewise make supplication to the gods before entering the lists.
AESCHYLUS. Oh, Demeter! who hast formed my mind, may I be able to prove myself worthy of thy Mysteries!472
DIONYSUS. And you, Euripides, prove yourself meet to sprinkle incense on the brazier.
EURIPIDES. Thanks, but I sacrifice to other gods.473
DIONYSUS. To private gods of your own, which you have made after your own image?
EURIPIDES. Why, certainly!
DIONYSUS. Well then, invoke your gods.
EURIPIDES. Oh! thou Aether, on which I feed, oh! thou Volubility of Speech, oh! Craftiness, oh! Subtle Scent! enable me to crush the arguments of my opponent.
CHORUS. We are curious to see upon what ground these clever tilters are going to measure each other. Their tongue is keen, their wit is ready, their heart is full of audacity. From the one we must expect both elegance and polish of language, whereas the other, armed with his ponderous words, will fall hip and thigh upon his foe and with a single blow tear down and scatter all his vain devices.
DIONYSUS. Come, be quick and speak and let your words be elegant, but without false imagery or platitude.
EURIPIDES. I shall speak later of my poetry, but I want first to prove that Aeschylus is merely a wretched impostor; I shall relate by what means he tricked a coarse audience, trained in the school of Phrynichus.474 First one saw some seated figure, who was veiled, some Achilles or Niobé,475 who then strutted about the stage, but neither uncovered their face nor uttered a syllable.
DIONYSUS. I' faith! that's true!
EURIPIDES. Meanwhile, the Chorus would pour forth as many as four tirades one after the other, without stopping, and the characters would still maintain their stony silence.
DIONYSUS. I liked their silence, and these mutes pleased me no less than those characters that have such a heap to say nowadays.
EURIPIDES. 'Tis because you were a fool, understand that well.
DIONYSUS. Possibly; but what was his object?
EURIPIDES. 'Twas pure quackery; in this way the spectator would sit motionless, waiting, waiting for Niobé to say something, and the piece would go running on.
DIONYSUS. Oh! the rogue! how he deceived me! Well, Aeschylus, why are you so restless? Why this impatience, eh?
EURIPIDES. 'Tis because he sees himself beaten. Then when he had rambled on well, and got half-way through the piece, he would spout some dozen big, blustering, winged words, tall as mountains, terrible scarers, which the spectator admired without understanding what they meant.
DIONYSUS. Oh! great gods!
AESCHYLUS. Silence!
EURIPIDES. There was no comprehending one word.
DIONYSUS (to Aeschylus). Don't grind your teeth.
EURIPIDES. There were Scamanders, abysses, griffins with eagles' beaks chiselled upon brazen bucklers, all words with frowning crests and hard, hard to understand.
DIONYSUS. 'Faith, I was kept awake almost an entire night, trying to think out his yellow bird, half cock and half horse.476
AESCHYLUS. Why, fool, 'tis a device that is painted on the prow of a vessel.
DIONYSUS. Ah! I actually thought 'twas Eryxis, the son of Philoxenus.477
EURIPIDES. But what did you want with a cock in tragedy?
AESCHYLUS. But you, you foe of the gods, what have you done that is so good?
EURIPIDES. Oh! I have not made horses with cocks' heads like you, nor goats with deer's horns, as you may see 'em on Persian tapestries; but, when I received tragedy from your hands, it was quite bloated with enormous, ponderous words, and I began by lightening it of its heavy baggage and treated it with little verses, with subtle arguments, with the sap of white beet and decoctions of philosophical folly, the whole being well filtered together;478 then I fed it with monologues, mixing in some Cephisophon;479 but I did not chatter at random nor mix in any ingredients that first came to hand; from the outset I made my subject clear, and told the origin of the piece.
AESCHYLUS. Well, that was better than telling your own.480
EURIPIDES. Then, starting with the very first verse, each character played his part; all spoke, both woman and slave and master, young girl and old hag.481
AESCHYLUS. And was not such daring deserving of death?
EURIPIDES. No, by Apollo! 'twas to please the people.
DIONYSUS. Oh! leave that alone, do; 'tis not the best side of your case.
EURIPIDES. Furthermore, I taught the spectators the art of speech …
AESCHYLUS. 'Tis true indeed! Would that you had burst before you did it!
EURIPIDES. … the use of the straight lines and of the corners of language, the science of thinking, of reading, of understanding, plotting, loving deceit, of suspecting evil, of thinking of everything….
AESCHYLUS. Oh! true, true again!
EURIPIDES. I introduced our private life upon the stage, our common habits; and 'twas bold of me, for everyone was at home with these and could be my critic; I did not burst out into big noisy words to prevent their comprehension; nor did I terrify the audience by showing them Cycni482 and Memnons483 on chariots harnessed with steeds and jingling bells. Look at his disciples and look at mine. His are Phormisius and Megaenetus of Magnesia484, all a-bristle with long beards, spears and trumpets, and grinning with sardonic and ferocious laughter, while my disciples are Clitophon and the graceful Theramenes.485
DIONYSUS. Theramenes? An able man and ready for anything; a man, who in imminent dangers knew well how to get out of the scrape by saying he was from Chios and not from Ceos.486
EURIPIDES. 'Tis thus that I taught my audience how to judge, namely, by introducing the art of reasoning and considering into tragedy. Thanks to me, they understand everything, discern all things, conduct their households better and ask themselves, "What is to be thought of this? Where is that? Who has taken the other thing?"
DIONYSUS. Yes, certainly, and now every Athenian who returns home, bawls to his slaves, "Where is the stew-pot? Who has eaten off the sprat's head? Where is the clove of garlic that was left over from yesterday? Who has been nibbling at my olives?" Whereas formerly they kept their seats with mouths agape like fools and idiots.