Star Wanderer writes. The collection «A Quiet Whisper on My Lips». Contemporary Prose and Fiction

SERENITY AND MAGIC

It is a deliciously charming, beautiful time when a person is calm and easy. On a summer afternoon – when the heat is replaced with a certain periodicity by a light breeze, which you wait for as a kind of salvation. On a mysterious evening – if only because it can also be a pleasant surprise that you wait for. And dreamt of. And, of course, all the most enchanting things are placed on the mysterious night, the progenitor of all that is magical, unknowable, in order to console oneself with good predictions about the new day, despite the hustle and bustle of the same mundane days.

– “And what’s so magical about that?” – you ask. – “Nothing,” I answer. We ourselves are history and destiny, with paths already trodden…

…I remember a time in my childhood. The steppe is endless, unrestrained and perfect in its understanding, it excites anyone who wants to just go into himself. Time stands still, or rather it stretches out with such love for you that everything around you at a given moment becomes native, and the very thought of having to go back anywhere at all falls away…

“I’m home…” – is the first thing that so lovingly begins to bother you. All roles change. And you begin to realize that there is no need to rush anywhere, no need to worry about anything. Time flows through your fingers like sand, not slowing down for a second… Only the wind, the desert wind, echoes the fleeting life and the thought that flies away, somewhere in the distance. Taking with it all the power with which you were filled. And the more obscure the power, the more attractive it is… In dreams I still dream of the enticing distance… I close my eyes and think of you, my longing, where childishly grown up reasons, the steppe wind blows not sparing my strength and me… And the thoughts continued to buzz quietly in my head, becoming more and more refined as they arose and flew away, somewhere in the distance… “What will I be like in twenty or thirty years, what awaits me, and will I remember these first attempts of mine not to go crazy…?”

– How beautiful everything is around me!” – I catch myself thinking. And I hear the scent of wormwood and the delicate fragrance of prayer that life whispers to me. And near a flower, now leaning, now straightening in the breeze, its petals rustling faintly…

– I don’t want to go anywhere, I want to stay…” – I close my eyes and drift into oblivion. But how sad to think that it’s all the same to be somewhere, to be sad afterwards, how glorious it was…

…And I already knew, maybe for the last time, so quiet and peaceful at home, listening to every rustle, enjoying every singing flower, rejoicing in this warmth that overflows me, but tears, for some reason treacherous and to this day. Serenity in everything and the joy of being puts its stamp. It remains only to subscribe to the magic of goodness, which has no limit, it is alive with prayer in the soul of each of us. And once again our time, like the sand that flows through our fingers, whirls in the whirlpool of the years. It won’t slow down and it won’t lag behind. Time will run forward, and we will follow, for we remember too often… It is a deliciously charming, beautiful time.

PAGE FROM THE PAST

On the threshold of the forties, one realizes that the past cannot be changed, like in a soap opera where everything is assumed and the end is included. Fate speaks, tries to justify its actions, and is not entirely wise. I think that’s the last thing that needs to be said out loud. It is natural to want to believe in the good things in life. Just as transgressions are also punishable, and not because of made-up rules. Humanity is not hard to lose, but it is hard to regain. It is easier to walk away than to forgive, and the paradox is that all our lives we resent those who have betrayed us and do not consider our own self-interest. It’s easier to make a decision after certain circumstances, justifying a sudden desire to start over in the hope of unlimited happiness. So much for fate, or maybe it’s just a lousy test, a certain stage depending on the characteristics of our selves. How primitive everything is except the soul, which suffers and tortures in earnest. Why? No one will answer. I stared at him as if I was watching what was happening, but I did nothing. My soul was wounded by mistrust, the main thing is to find the strength not to go back. It is hard to look into his eyes, knowing that there will be excuses for his selfishness. Sometimes helplessness in this or that situation gives pleasure to someone, that is human nature. And now, years later, as I found peace within myself, walking the streets of my city, I felt like an alien in a godforsaken place. Everything seemed strange, unfamiliar, some people were scurrying around, wanting something. There is no place for regrets or resentment, only good memories, but not all at once. Time is the best doctor, you say to yourself in the beginning, and at the end of the way you get out of the piggy bank all that has accumulated.

…Freedom to choose, incredibly difficult, but the choice is made and suddenly. I realize now that the sheer darkness and suicide in the face of his already quite satisfied selfishness was not for me. Would he have been so thoughtful and compassionate to me if he had the choice? I think not, and I was not wrong. All our actions, both good and bad, have their resonance in nature. By nature, we mean people close to us as well as the occasional passerby. Time is the best doctor…

SWEET NAIVE CHILD

I did not notice my life through my sweet dreams that covered my heart. The days lay in a legend that I cherished in my heart. I saw no falsehood in my life.

– “Where have you been, naive woman?” – I asked myself. And in my imaginary joy I didn’t notice that I was already living without him… Just today I shouted to myself, “There will be no more bad man in my life!” And my dying heart was covered with a blanket of indifference. Like any other dream, but not mine. How sad and painful to wake up. – “So where were you, wandering woman?” – I asked myself again. – “Ah, I looked at myself in the mirror. And I recognized you, my sweet – naive child,” – I answered myself.

I AM ONE OF MANY WOMEN

– What is the vice? Is it impatience to live to the point of exhaustion, turning into a nervous lump?

– All from the beginning! But is it not nonsense? And who is there to shout?

I am the listener. I turn over my rosary as if to wear myself out. I remember sweet moments just to justify myself or to continue tomorrow. The cup is full, or maybe it is filled to the brim. It does not matter. There’s more good in a fool’s smile than in the one that gnaws at me from the inside and makes me hate you more and more!

– So what is the vice? In not wanting to see? Or perhaps in not wanting to love you?

Ah, forget all those love songs! In them the purity of words and sweet drops. Long ago no longer for us to ring, turning into a distant, kindly chime, without any hint of the poisonousness of your words that cut the ear and the memory. And there’s no more room in it for the feeble attempts of the bruised to self-love, of the offended, weak man. So I ask myself.

– What is the vice? Yes, that I don’t feel myself with you!

That’s the first thing I cried out. Life has flowed like a river, never letting me look back. Sad and a little sorry, but not to go back and start again. Yes, God is with me. I will remember the kind words of my children. In them my fresh water. And days of ringing songs! And all the rest is probably complete nonsense.

– “Yes, just love yourself!” – and that’s the last thing I whisper to myself…

…I love the earth very much! And everything around me. It’s so wonderful. I will always remember my Christmas tree outside my window. And my forest near my house. I’ll remember my steppe from my childhood. And also the chirping of the sparrows now in the morning. And that makes me feel so good.

LOVE PROPERLY

Don’t let them use you. Couldn’t help the one who gave his last shirt. Don’t expect praise from others, don’t be offended or angry. Just share what you’re happy about and help. Go to the root of the problem. Giving money for a bottle of vodka to a poor person means drinking yourself. Think a little. Every person has his own karma and experience. Be his friend only in agreement with him. Don’t be arrogant. Don’t belittle yourself. You are an individual in the great flow of life. The laws of the universe are inviolable for the energies of all streams. Respect and gratitude are always for the gifts. Recognition is not easy when you live in the fog of religions. But to become free is to love rightly. Learn to say the word “no”. I, am love and light, I, am the creator – tell yourself from now on. Just share…

MY FRAGMENTS OF LIFE

A soft breeze touches my lips. And strands of my long hair wind like a train of memories. They waltz in a waltz of emotions, my sweet misery. There you are. As if you were kissing me yesterday and looking at me with kind, caring eyes. As if your hands want to protect me from all the bad things. I believe in the spark of memory more than in a fairy tale of false confessions. There were no long tales in my life anyway, as if I was always over a cliff and in dreams, only not to fall. They say you have to shake it off and walk like a cat at ease after all the trials. One of the most difficult tasks in life, between the lines, no one has ever learned to read. In the word “no”, no one sees the gentle “yes”. And in the proud lioness’ footsteps there is always a naughty, barefoot, insecure little girl. And he will never, never hear her…

Armed with the years, completely disarmed themselves, inventing a set of silly rules that I do not believe, but deceiving myself again and again. In this nonsense called “must”, for the sake of “self”, believe me, it is not worth living. I have not sought the motivation to deceive, I am tired of the false sun outside the window. It is as if I have not lived for so long, not even in my dream. Once again, the insulted girl will run away, perhaps leaving a trace in the heart of someone who cannot help himself. But I, who collect these shards of happiness, fleeting and only my moments. I continue to believe in miracles, where a spark of love, still alive, not extinguished, a magic lamp in my soul, makes me wake up and make wishes again and again, as always. The wind of memories…

BECAME A MOTHER

I think the whole point is to move everywhere and for everything. Just walking and moving is inherent in the genome of all living things. Constantly producing and releasing energy, otherwise there is no other way in this cesspool among mixed up worlds and parallels. We receive and immediately give back, the basic law of the universe is equal energy communication. It’s impossible to get away with stealing. On the subtle level, a channel is formed through which you have to return your life energy. Thought, intention and action are the three components in the life activity of the physical plane, so it is important to be responsible for thoughts, without which there is no action. Energy is where your thoughts are, and therefore the materialization of whatever is planned as a result of your subsequent decisions and actions. It’s not enough to know everything, you have to follow it. Throughout life, most people have only developed the lower muladhara chakra, which is not peculiar to spiritual growth. It’s a lot of hard work and working on yourself, especially on your weaknesses. An enlightened person begins to radically change his or her life according to universal laws, using the energy of the Source for good. And you don’t have to look for new meanings and solutions with your inflamed brain to be happy, with impunity. It’s simple, go outside and walk, breathe, connect with the main stream of energy. Participate in everyone’s life, unite and love. Change the space for the better, be positive. That’s how happy and free I felt today, sitting on a bench in the park. And it was a great happiness to see my beloved son come to me, as always, with gifts and a smile! Just walk, man, you are already happy and free! What more do you need, my dear Oddball, just spread your wings and fly!

…Once the bright sun of May, which burst so sharply through the window of the maternity ward, nymphetically illuminated at last the screaming baby lifted by the midwife.

– What are you going to call your baby, Mama? she asked.

– How beautiful, my God Yahweh! – The girl remembered the meaning of the sun god in Old Slavonic and fainted.

– You’ve tortured the baby,” the midwife scolded the mother afterwards, exhausted with pain and fear for her baby.

– “But what matters now is that my son is alive and crying. He is wrapped in the warm May sunshine. And all will be well,” the mother thought, hiding her tears.

– “My baby, my little son, you are the most loved one in the world! Are you holding out your hands to your mother, are you humming again, little one? Listen, Mommy is going to sing you a song. You don’t know yet that the sun rises in the morning. The rooster sings next. And the lark welcomes spring. And at night the children sleep. Mama will be with you, I’ll watch over your sleep. Don’t cry, I’ll wash you with spring water. I’ll put you to bed and we’ll sleep together,” she sang to him.

– Will you come back? – asked the doctor, who was obviously experienced in using her eloquence in such moments.

– No, – she replied with determination, not realizing that she would soon be back in that maternity hospital, but on a winter’s evening, rejoicing at the birth of her little girl.

– Tell me who I have! – was the first thing Mama asked.

– A daughter,” was the quick reply.

She looked lovingly at her baby girl’s beautiful face. Mama kissed her little fingers. And held the baby in her arms!

– An angel from heaven came to me. I will live for you, my little star. You are the most beautiful in the world! The waltz of memories in a waltz of emotions. Happiness is my price. An angel looks at me with pure, intelligent eyes, – the woman rejoices in happiness and cries.

– I love you, my daughter, my light and my joy! – She held the baby lovingly in her arms and kissed her God-given baby girl.

“That’s it, I have everything,” she thought, weak and sickly, but so happy to think that she already had the most important thing in life.

– I love you! – mumbled her mother, tired of the nightmare of cold hospital wards…

…Yes, today she became a mother exactly twenty-two years ago. Even earlier, twenty-four years ago, with the birth of my boy, my son, I understood and felt motherhood for the first time. Calmly, I dealt with the past as a result of some of my bitter mistakes. But I didn’t hide from problems, I stood up for the well-being of my children, even if I screamed nervously, because I cared, I learned to be a sincere mother and I forgave myself for my weaknesses. Because I know that my son and my daughter will love me, maybe my daughter in her own way, it doesn’t matter, everyone’s choice. And my love for them is just immense. As they say, hard on the outside but kind on the inside. My toughness is all because of straightforwardness, without the need to pretend. Truth is an axiom, but lies are a vice. Yes, today I am at peace with the beautiful winter day outside my window. But yesterday’s snowstorm left an indelible impression. Life in the small town ground to a halt under the onslaught of eternal nature. In the early morning, I made my way through the drifts to the store to buy a delicious cake for my little girl. I was as happy about this snow drift and fresh blizzard as I had been twenty-two years ago. There were only happy thoughts of the future in my mind. After buying groceries, like an icebreaker, I began to break through the barriers, breathing heavily, not having calculated the number of bags, of course. I thought, guys, I won’t make it home, I’ll fall in a snowdrift, and no one will look for me, they won’t see me. My recent time at home after an illness had made itself felt. But I got up and walked forward, once again feeling the thin line between life and death, everything is very fragile, you have to love and appreciate. Yes, perhaps today I am at peace with the silence outside the window and within myself. And I am sure that I love this restless, loving, straightforward, strong, sincere, intelligent, sometimes selfish, sometimes insecure, but kind, honest, beautiful mommy. I love the soul that wants to make herself and everyone around her happy. I’m excited to have this sweet and bitter experience at the same time. There is nothing like bringing a woman to life. An unforgettable experience that teaches you to get up and go forward for your children every time. Thank you for all the good, the light and the bittersweet that I let go of. The bitter experience of motherhood implies a complete denial of self-interest. And it is usually aggravated by ingratitude on the part of the children. It is very difficult to go through. I congratulate all the women of the world on their every day of motherhood. We are very brave. But I find it hard to accept and accept injustice as the other side of life. Only the love of my son saves me. You just have to be taller, that's all you have to do.

SHE’S NICE

The bright sun shone through the office windows. And I thought that spring was already knocking on the door and peeking through the windows. The mood made me think about the events that had happened. I wanted to share it with someone, to see sincere sympathy or at least understanding. How long ago it was, and if it was…

The thoughtful girl watched the passing cars and hurried passers-by, trying to understand her feelings, trying to sort out her thoughts, which did not give her peace. At least for a while, to remember herself. And during that time, while the February sun shone through the window, she would have time to think. But the wounds of her soul were still there, and the pain would not go away. Once again, she had to hide behind a proper smile and hold back the tears that so treacherously reminded her of her loneliness and sadness.

– “I’m just tired,” she thought, putting an end to her thoughts. Here comes the first customer, eager to stock up on essentials, and early in the morning. It’s nice to see people consciously trying to create the image of an active and thrifty person. Why is that? I have no idea, but it’s necessary.

– “That’s enough! We have to pull ourselves together!” Alena told herself resolutely. With remarkable tact, the cash register worked again and the printer began to spit out the desired copies.

– “It’s business as usual. This is how it should be. And everything will be the way I want it,” the excited girl reassured herself. It is difficult to deal with emotions and the reason for this is the usual loneliness. The desire to be loved, quite justified for such a sweetheart.

– “Alya, Alena, wake up! You’ll burn in this sun!” her friend Maya tried to wake her up. Alena jumped up like a frightened sparrow, forgetting that she was wearing only a swimsuit, and a pareo fell treacherously under her feet. The young men resting nearby appreciated this fact with an understanding smile.

– “Yes, Alena, you are very lucky for such things! And do not forget to tighten the straps of your bathing suit when you go to the sea as a mermaid!” Maya laughed happily.

– “You’re right. I can’t live without adventure! We need to roll over and warm up my stomach right now,” Alena suggested, smiling as she continued to sunbathe on the beach.

– “Of course we will! And do you remember our trip to the sea yesterday?” her friend recalled with a carefree wink. Yes, it has been a nice reminder.

– “Of course I do! Especially how you tried to ask that cute stranger what he really wanted, and shocked him with such a frank confession! Yes, we caused quite a stir with our unpredictability. Ah, how delicious the champagne looked from the big family glasses!”, Alena joked again with her inherent charm.

– “I remember! I must also report that you looked quite chic stretched out on the sand,” Maya babbled, smiling.

– “Was the sea really warm, or was it just me? Maybe I should have swum up to the stranger. But you did. Went ashore and asked back what he told us the other day!” Alena laughed.

– “Ah! Yes! I think the stranger was babbling about his water being warmer! That’s what he seemed to think,” her friend assured her.

– “Yes, it was! Oh, I so wanted to touch his beautiful body. That’s exactly what I remember!” Alena explained quite matter-of-factly.

– “Girlfriend and I, you and I, wouldn’t get along with a holiday romance. Too in yourself, though, would be something to remember!” Maya suggested cheerfully.

– “Mom, I want to go to the lake across the street and try to catch some fish,” was the son’s request.

– “You’re my fisherman!” I’ll let you go later. – “First we need to eat and refresh ourselves,” she replied, kissing and hugging him tenderly. Alena watched them with tenderness, thinking of her favorite children. Great happiness to be a mother. It’s already 2011. A son and a daughter, the most beautiful and precious thing she has in this world. The children decided to make a whole firework of soap bubbles. Covered in towels from the sea sun, they played around and looked pleasantly charming.

– “The sea is good for children. The only wonderful reason to go on vacation every year. I like being natural and not having to worry about anything,” they all continued. A beautiful seashore beckoned and offered an incredible walk. I called my kids and picked up my little goddaughter and in my arms and walked towards the sea. The waves were lapping happily for the happy children, and there was nothing more wonderful. Everything lends itself to a pleasant reflection on life and love. And each time, new departures from previous thoughts lead to new memories. At such moments it was a pleasure to listen to a beautiful melody. I remembered that it wouldn’t be difficult to turn on the radio, and there were loudspeakers.

– “We’re going to have so much fun!” Alena rejoiced. In a changing mood, she turned the volume on and off, enjoying the concert. After a while, a bright cheerfulness appeared on the part of the shop visitors, they liked the pleasant atmosphere of the moment. They walked around quietly, studying the merchandise. And the song in French, all enticing and fascinating…

– “Why do I want to think of you so much! To allow completely reckless acts and to be a little girl in love,” she lamented the inevitable timing, smiling as she listened to the tune.

– “That’s it, I have to stop thinking about you, dear. I’m perfectly calm and sane,” she joked, suggesting a familiar truth to herself. Not to think about the past, sometimes it was better to forget and not to determine the degree of madness.

– “What was, is past,” she remarked rather affirmatively.

– “And yet it came true. Well, he wasn’t such a sick madman when he tried to talk about my future. One thing is clear, dull, preferred, something incomprehensible. I don’t know why? really different,” Alena whispered. “Salve! Bone era! Mademoiselle! That’s your zest!” In a French manner, she enthusiastically repeated the words of the song, so much to her liking. A ray of sunlight slid across her desk, reminding her of warm spring days and, of course, of love. A burst of emotion from the memories of the past, and then the belief that I could pull myself together and get through. Each time before the abyss, harder and harder.

…Every breath with hoarseness, every thought with pain in my heart. And here I am, closing my eyes again, walking slowly through the waters of the interspace. It is important not to miss anything, to accept and understand myself, despite the mountain stream of revelation that hurts body and soul. And so it is every time doubt is like a torrent of cold water. You put in the last remnants of your strength to keep your sanity and not get lost between worlds. Love is the boatman on the river of forgetfulness. You just have to trust that there is and always will be a boat of love. “The cuckoo brings me back to my lost faith. Herald of a life of many years. Maybe it just flew by. – Everything will be fine! – he called to me. The song echoed in my heart. Like the summer chords of the nightingale. It’s so good at the edge of the forest, I’m a naive girl at peace. I asked the witch cuckoo about my future. And believed in the glorious morning of tomorrow…” How good it is to remember happy moments. You always find peace of mind afterwards.