Parenting with pleasure. How to become a happy parent and enjoy it

English translation and edition Vasili Marshev

English translation Andrei Isaev

© Andrei Isaev, 2023

ISBN 978-5-0059-4478-8

Created with Ridero smart publishing system

Foreword

Some might not believe it, but raising kids is interesting. Sometimes children behave badly, they scream, demand the impossible, are rude, get dirty, disobey. But we love them anyway!

What could be more pleasant than seeing how a child becomes smart, educated, well-mannered, and not without our help. I am convinced that parenting can be enjoyful. For both kids and parents.

Being a developmental psychologist, I teach numerous courses for children aged from 4 to 11. The main tenet of my lessons is making children smile. Of course, sometimes children (just like grown-ups) can cry, be angry, sad or become exhausted. It is a part of our lives. But our goal is to accept it, cope with it, and move forward with a smile. Well, maybe not with a smile, but feeling satisfied and engaged in our own lives.

The child points at a person walking down the street bare feet and asks his father: “Dad, why is this man without shoes?” “I think, because he doesn’t have any,” dad replies. “Maybe his shoes were torn?” I can hear the beginning of the kids’ story.

What does this example above tell us? Children always imagine their lives as a continuous process of creation. This is how children in preschool age discover the world around them. We, adults, should use this when we raise our children!

Chapter 1. Children who like things they do (engagement)

What do we do best? What do we do with diligence and precision? Something that we like. Something that we enjoy.

And kids are no exception. The child’s willpower is not as strong as an adult’s. And the primary motivation for children is interest and engagement.

Adults can act out of necessity or duty, but children cannot. And, when asked to, they end up slacking simply because it is meaningless to them.

In order to achieve goals, one needs to feel engaged.

“Pay attention, please!” (attention)

“He is so inattentive” – parents tell me sometimes when they bring their children to my classes. But when offered an exercise they find interesting, they become focused and concentrated, they become immersed in the task. How is this possible?

The answer lies in the close relation between engagement and attention.

If we do something with pleasure, our attention is absorbed in the activity. And, similarly, it is very difficult to sustain attention on a boring task.

The child has not yet know how to manage their attention. Rather, their attention is controlled by surrounding stimuli. It is in the parent’s abilities to help the child direct their attention and control this “spotlight of consciousness”.

There are a number of activities that can train child’s attention control:

– Board games, where the child needs to follow the game’s plot, sequences of moves, execution of the game’s actions.

– Game sports, where dexterity, game awareness and attention are important.

– Chess, reading, viewing pictures and completing various tasks with them, etc.

What is it for? (The goal)

Hellen is waiting for her mother in a hallway of a business-center. But sitting still is boring and very hard. So it might seem that Hellen is just hopping like a frog. “Fooling around”, adults would say. But in reality, Hellen is playing a game she just created. Its goal is to reach the finish line at the end of the hallway by hopping on alternating legs on the tiles on the floor.

What would this game be without the goal? Maybe a lazy teacher’s gym class. But for Hellen it is a very interesting game. But also, it is a game that develops dexterity, balance, various muscle groups, and body control.

Engagement helps children train attention control. Engaged children do not just perform better, they enjoy themselves. And one of the secrets of how to engage a child is a goal.

Notice that every game has a goal, otherwise, it would be meaningless and boring.

Help children set goals. Once the child is ready, teach them to set goals by themselves. Ask them about what they will do now, why, with what purpose?

Make it interesting! (the rules of engaging activity)

– The activity’s requirements should be within the child’s abilities, but demanding enough for it to be quite demanding. In other words, it should pose a feasible challenge.

– Do not forget about the goal. The child should understand it, see how how they can reach it, and how well they are doing.

– The task must be given the child’s full attention.

– The child should feel control over their actions.

The child will definitely feel engaged if they think they are playing a game.

Gregory is trying to throw an empty bottle in the trash can. At first he comes very close and he succeeds in a single throw. Too simple! He takes a step back and tries again. Then another one. Then Gregory tries to do it turning his back to the trash can. Then squatting. Then with his left hand, then over his own head, then over his brother…

Who would have thought that the task of throwing a bottle in a trash can turn into such a breathtaking adventure!