Tara - The Journey To One's Self

Anjana Gill

Tara

The Journey to One’s Self

Secrets of Life

© Anjana Gill

1st publishing: August 2019

Illustrations: Sophia Schmoll, Dipl.-Design

www.sophiaschmoll.de

design@sophiaschmoll.de

Coverdesign: Gaby Heuchemer

Typesetting: Gaby Heuchemer

ISBN (eBook): 978-3-748584-23-0

The entire contents of this book such as pictures, graphics and texts are subject to copyright.

“My knowledge lies not in darkness.

It is a shining secret,

of incomparable clarity

and immediately understandable.”

From the Bhagavadgita

To my father

Joginder Singh Gill

Wherever you may be

In deep and eternal attachment

Thank you, daddy

About the author

Anjana Gill is married with two daughters and is half Indian (father Indian, mother German). The main focus of her work lies in bringing Asian and Western proverbs together in the best possible way, levelling the way towards a global philosophy of life.

For Anjana Gill, the meaning and joy of a person’s life lies in not being trapped by the superficial delusions of this world and recognizing oneself as a soul with a life of its own to live.

This is the first time she takes her readership on a journey into the deep richness of the soul in the form of a novel. Allow yourself to be taken on a magical ride to the truths of life and brace yourself for the changes your own life will take.

Chapter I

It was one of those days. I was dead tired – and no wonder after only three hours’ sleep. So I got up and put myself together – as best I could with those huge bags under my eyes. Once again there was little time for breakfast, just grab the most important documents, and then out through the door.

In half an hour I was due to meet my fabric supplier. Naturally all the traffic lights were against me. It was as if I was jinxed. And to top things off, a traffic jam. It was unbelievable! The appointment was important – vital in fact. “Oh, drive on, will you!” I thought, my nerves on edge. The success of my next clothes collection depended on my making it to this appointment. After two years of persistent persuasion, I had finally managed to cajole Mr Gonzalez, the fabric supplier, into cooperating with our company instead of our competitors. And the day of our first appointment had come at last. No one was able to supply those high-quality fabrics as cheaply as Mr Gonzalez. I had to be there on time! Finally, the traffic began moving again. Made it! With screaming tyres and my heart racing, I arrived at the company ten minutes late. Mr Gonzalez was already waiting in my office. Anna, my assistant, had already brought him a cup of our delicious coffee and, thank goodness, the mood was relaxed.

The appointment went well. Mr Gonzalez and our team agreed to work together starting as of right then. I felt flushed by a wonderful feeling of success!

The meeting had lasted for three hours and afterwards the telephone never stopped ringing. Questions, decisions, and deadlines.

We discovered we had received the wrong buttons for the new blouse collection and now had to worry about where to get the right ones quickly enough. The patterns for the T-shirt collection were the wrong cut and none of the shirts fit properly! And the loud shrilling of the telephone just went on and on!

I wanted to remain undisturbed but sadly I had to take the next call:

It was Ms Lohmann from our company’s bank. I held my breath. Thoughts kept running through my head – we need that loan; without it we won’t be able to deliver a top-quality collection.

I heard the rest of what was said as if from a long distance away: rejected, not enough collateral, have to talk things through again...

Everything reeled around me. I could no longer think clearly. An inner voice cried out for help and then the floor fell away from under me.

At some point I heard Anna’s worried voice:

“Tara! Tara, wake up! Please, wake up!”

I felt the cooling comfort of a wet towel on my forehead and slowly came round. Anna, my right hand, my pearl, brought me a glass of water – heavenly!

Slowly my senses returned.

What was that? What had happened to me?

“You’re completely overworked, Tara. I’ll take you home now and then you can rest for a while”, soothed Anna, mothering me gently. But I wasn’t having any of it. I had a company to run. There were so many things left to do and today of all days it was impossible for me to take a break. But when I tried to get up, the world began spinning, my legs crumbled under me once more, and all resistance was pointless.

Anna smartly bundled me off and drove me home.

And that is how I ended up in my flat on a very ordinary Wednesday afternoon, lying on my sofa.

I wanted to relax and recharge my batteries but my thoughts never stopped spinning. I felt my head take a roller coaster ride. Since staying on the sofa made no sense, I decided to go out for a walk. Perhaps the fresh air and oxygen would kick start my brain.

Actually I live in a very nice area. A penthouse flat directly overlooking the river. This is such a wonderful place to live, but I’ve stopped taking it in, I suddenly thought.

It was another wonderful day. The sun was out, the air was pleasantly warm, and I felt a light breeze sweep through my hair.

I strolled along the riverbank, enjoying my walk. Slowly the chaos in my head subsided. The sunbeams warmed my skin, the wind caressed me like a loving mother’s hand; the light dancing between the sunlight and the shadows cast by the trees was a wonder to behold.

In the end, I stopped at the ferry terminal and looked down into the river. The sun sparkled on the water and small waves lapped up against the riverbank. My eyes took in the splendour of the shimmering light reflections and I felt my skin breathe in the sun and the wind. For the first time in a long while I felt something akin to relaxation, something almost like freedom!

It was only four in the afternoon, so I decided to take the ferry and enjoy the time I at last had to myself a little while longer. I walked along the pier and stepped aboard the ferry.

And what happened next changed my life forever...

Chapter II

What was this? Where was I? This wasn’t the ferry. I had never seen this place before. What had happened?

Then a warm and friendly voice said to me: “Come in, Tara, come on in! Nice of you to drop in. I’ve been expecting you.”

So it had happened. I had gone mad. Or was I perhaps dead?

“No, Tara, you’re not dead. You’re very much alive”, answered the voice.

The light was so blinding I was unable to see who or what was around me.

Had I been thinking out loud? No, I hadn’t spoken – definitely not. But how did the voice know what I was thinking and where was the voice coming from?

“Come, Tara! Come in and sit down for a moment!”

Only now was I able to look around me. What a strange place!

Obviously I was on a kind of raft, the floor of which was covered with a soft, light-coloured carpet; a white flowing fabric fluttered about opposite me and a wonderful yellow light imbued this sunny place, and then I saw HIM: an elderly man sitting on a yellow cushion in the lotus position. He wore white clothing, a turban, and a long white beard adorned his face. He smiled at me and his hands motioned me to sit down opposite him. I felt as if in a trance and did his bidding, seating myself down on a second yellow cushion that seemed to be simply waiting for me. Now I was able to take in the man more closely. I had never seen such eyes before! I stared at him as if spellbound.

Incredible! Brown and warmly radiant eyes looked back at me tenderly. His face shone like the sun itself. He looked like a saint.

A wave of warmth flowed through me. It was like coming home – unspeakably wonderful! I was overcome by this radiance.

I cannot say how long I sat there, taking in the love and affection that came from his gaze.

However, after halfway collecting myself, my worldly thoughts regained the upper hand.

What was I doing here? Why was I in this strange place?, I thought to myself.

“You’re here to learn something”, said the Indian in a friendly tone. That’s surely an Indian, I thought.

And again! I think something and he answers! He can read my thoughts! Everything seemed to be coming from another world. I felt almost like I was in a film. The only thing was, I didn’t know what role I was supposed to be playing.

“My darling child”, the Indian interrupted the silence, “this morning you collapsed and your inner voice called for help. Now I’m here. I’m here for you.

I shall help you if you want me to.”

“Who are you?” I asked, transfixed.

“Call me Guruji”.

“Guruji? Is that your name?”

“Yes, at the moment that is my name. I’ll explain to you what it means: ‘Gu’ means darkness and ‘ru’ means that which drives away. A guru is hence someone who drives away the darkness. And what happens when the darkness has gone, Tara?”

“It becomes light?”

“Exactly, and the light can shine out in all its brightness. That’s what we’re going to learn here. To drive away the darkness from your life so that the light above you and in you can shine out. The word ‘guru’, by the way, comes from Sanskrit, the oldest language in the world. And the Tibetan word for teacher is ‘lama’, a translation of ‘guru’ from Sanskrit.

I should like to be your teacher for a while. I shall help you let more light into your life again.”

I was very moved by his words.

“Where do you come from?” I asked, my curiosity now piqued.

“That isn’t important at the moment. The important thing is that you have found your way here. You have come and that is good... Are you feeling better, Tara?”

He looked at me with boundless goodwill and just for a moment I had the sensation of a pure and unconditional love. There was a feeling of deep familiarity between us, almost as if we had known each other for eternity.

Yes, in the meantime I was feeling better.

“Then we can begin with a small introductory lesson.” He handed me a cup of wonderfully fragrant Ginger tea. I unwrapped a piece of sugar from its paper and dropped it into my tea.

Suddenly I noticed there was some writing on the paper:

There are but few people in this world

who have the ability to think normally.

There is a terrible tendency to accept

everything that is said and read.

To accept everything without question.

Only he who is prepared

to question something and think for himself

will find the truth.

(Nisargadatta Maharaj)

Surprised, I looked up at the Indian. And Guruji began to speak:

“You all live in very hectic and turbulent times. Mankind has devoted itself to material values and is always striving to increase its external comforts. The Western countries are never satisfied. They have everything and still want more. You have all become slaves of pure materialism. The price you all pay is high – you forget your souls. And that’s how it is for you too, Tara. you are running through your life as if in a race against time. You rush from one appointment to the next and even in your leisure time almost everything is arranged. Fitness centre, theatre, cinema, and so on and so forth. You are a successful business woman who is well esteemed, but are you happy – really happy?”

I thought for a moment and then answered, “What is happiness in the end? I have a job which many people would like to have. I live in a wonderful flat, have stylish clothes and a cool car, and go on holiday twice a year. What more is there?”

“You didn’t understand my question properly, Tara. I didn’t ask you about all the things you have and possess. I asked whether you are happy.”

“What do you mean by that, Guruji?”

“I mean the happiness that comes from deep within. I mean the happiness which flows through your entire body, not just for a moment but as your attitude to life. I mean divine happiness.”

I thought for a moment. Was I happy?

Not always but I didn’t feel unhappy either. “Sometimes I’m really happy. But this feeling mostly doesn’t last. It’s often only for a very short while. But that’s how most people experience life in our society. I thought it was normal.”

“You’re right, that is indeed normal for you nowadays. That’s because, from a spiritual point of view, you are beginners, or to put it more bluntly, mere novices. No one has taught you that a truly fulfilled life has a spiritual side to it. No one has taught you how important it is to listen to your heart.

You can operate computers, fly to Mars, and so on and so forth, but you know nothing about your own soul. And yet true happiness can only come from the soul. Material things bring joy for a short time and they comfort you a great deal. But true and deep-felt happiness can only ever come from your soul.

You’ve learnt to hustle and bustle to develop self-esteem. But being always on the go to get certain things done serves no higher goal.

Yet doing things because they come from the soul does indeed serve a higher purpose and this kind of activity makes you, makes anybody, lastingly happy. Spiritual growth means opening your heart. You don’t have to acquire anything or learn anything to do that. Everything already exists within you. You only have to remember; simply let it happen!

There are still many things to experience on this Earth, wonderful and sometimes wondrous things. As soon as you lift the veil from your eyes a little, you will discover them. Life is a wonderful journey and offers the most beautiful things to discover along the way. Life can be magnificent!”

On hearing these words from Guruji, I was filled with a deep peace such as I had never known before.

“Take some of the speed out of your everyday life, Tara, and leave yourself time to relax and think! Pause to take stock of things and enjoy the simple things in life – the flowers, the smile of another person...!

How are you feeling, Tara? You look a little tired.

We’ll end our small session for today. I think it’ll be good for you to go home now and begin with a time of stillness.

Think about our first talk in peace and quiet and recover your strength! My thoughts will go with you. You can come back again whenever you want, my dear Tara!”

Guruji folded his hands together across his chest and bowed slightly.

Obviously my first induction with him had come to an end. At first I was a little sad, for in actual fact I no longer wanted to leave this place. It was a long time since I had felt as good as I did here with Guruji. But at least I had a lot of things to think about now! I bid farewell by also folding my hands and bowing slightly. Once more I looked into this loving countenance. Guruji gave me a smile and then I stepped onto the pier.

After a few steps I turned around to waive goodbye to Guruji. But what did I see! At the end of the pier I saw the ferry boat and not the raft! I rubbed my eyes. It had to be a mirage. My head began to spin. Although I opened my eyes, closed them, and then reopened them, there was no change: the raft was gone !

I looked at my watch. I couldn’t believe it: it was 4 pm. That was the exact time I had stepped onto the ferry, or rather the raft. Where had the time I had spent with Guruji gone to? Was everything only a dream? That couldn’t be. Guruji, the sun-filled light, the exciting talk. I knew I hadn’t dreamt it all. The whole thing was more than strange: where was the raft and where had the time gone? Questions upon questions. At first I was dismayed; but then I remembered the loving words of the wise Indian: “I’m there for you. You can come back again whenever you want!” When I thought of these sentences, the peaceful warm feeling swept through me once again. And then I knew I could trust Guruji and needn’t be afraid.

Immediately I felt light and elated. Guruji’s words swirled around inside my head and I only wanted one thing: to get home and think about everything in peace and quiet.

The next few days were very strenuous. Things were very hectic at the company and I had little time to reflect on the exciting conversation. There were never ending problems with developing the collection. Nothing went smoothly. Anna tried to help me wherever possible but I had to do most things myself. After all, I was responsible for everything in the end.

Bit by bit the feelings and thoughts I had had subsided and the usual stress and the usual thinking patterns took over once again. Time to reflect – yes, but when? Pause to think, enjoy the simple things in life. Basically it sounds like a good thing, but reality is different. Very different. I can’t allow myself any mistakes. Business life today is like swimming around a shark-infested pool. You get eaten quicker than you can say fish finger.

So there you go: “daily routine consumes the very fabric of our souls!” That’s just how it is.

A pity really, the peace and quiet had done me good. For a brief moment I felt happy again, really happy.

Guruji had asked me what made me happy. To be honest, I didn’t know. Not really.

I like my job. I like my flat. I like my friends. Actually my life is okay.

If only I didn’t feel this sense of emptiness so often. The feeling of that can’t be all, was that everything? And then I’m always on the lookout, searching for the sense in life. Yes that was it. That’s what Guruji had meant. Once more, it did me good to take a step back from my stressful life and pause for a moment to reflect. Seven days had now already passed since that magical encounter. I felt a yearning. A longing for Guruji’s warmth. A yearning for his wisdom.

I picked up a fashion magazine to distract myself and redirect my thoughts back to the new collection. I really couldn’t allow myself any daydreams at the moment. There was enough to do without that. But no matter what I did, my thoughts kept wandering off. When was I happy? I was happy when I had bought that fantastic suit recently. Or during my last holiday on the beach, grilling at that rustic beach restaurant, that was also a time when I was really happy. In actual fact, these were only moments. But after all, such moments of happiness did exist in my life and they were a real source of energy for me. Such moments provide the strength and energy for what comes next.

I continued to thumb through my fashion magazine and suddenly came across a report on India and the sentence:

The greatest meaning in life comes from

recognising oneself as a soul

and striving to unite with

the divine source.

(Swami Vivekananda)

It was a sign! It could only be a sign!

For a moment I had the feeling that Guruji was there in the room with me.

I had to go to him. It was an absolute must!

And I had to do it immediately!

For the first time in my life, I left everything else standing. Regardless of my responsibilities.

For once, my strong sense of duty would simply have to take a back seat. I wanted and needed to see Guruji again.

I quickly drove down to the river and walked along the riverbank till I reached the ferry landing pier. But there was nothing there. No ferry and certainly no raft. I was swept up by an endless sadness. Where could I find Guruji? Where should I start to look for him? I stayed there for awhile, staring out emptily and trying to think what to do. Then I suddenly noticed the ferry was landing at the pier. As if in a trance, without thinking, I went down the pier and stepped onto the ferry, and gave a cry of happiness: Guruji was there! I was back on the raft. How was that possible? Was it magic?

But at that moment I didn’t care at all. The main thing was that my wise Indian friend was back.

Guruji smiled at me full of love and this time I felt all the space around me filled with his peace and quiet and love.

I sat down again on the empty yellow cushion, my cushion, and Guruji handed me a cup of the fragrant ginger tea:

“I’m happy to see you, Tara.”

I looked into his lotus eyes and my heart jumped for joy.

“And now”, began Guruji, “ we will set off on a journey together, a journey of discovery into the most hidden nooks and crannies of your spirit. You will learn to free yourself of opinions, prejudices, and fixed mindsets which you have burdened yourself with throughout the course of your life. Your old baggage will be thrown away. We will start as if we knew nothing.”

“Guruji, you asked me when I am really happy. I know it now. When I’m here. Yes, when I’m here on your raft with you, then I’m really happy.” I looked at him affectionately.

“That is good. Now you already have an idea of what deep happiness is.

This kind of happiness is something you can always carry around in you. This happiness comes from your soul, Tara. All you have to do is tune into your soul!”

“What is the soul exactly?”, I asked hesitantly, for in all honesty I didn’t really know.

“In Western civilisation the common wisdom is that a human is body and has a soul. That’s not quite right. On the contrary: It’s exactly the other way around.

A human being is soul and has a body.

The essence of us humans is our soul. Our body is only our tool. Our body is more or less the vehicle which transports us through our life.

A child is born – it is one with its soul. But then along comes society. Material things begin to gain importance. Just like the skin layers of an onion, they wrap themselves around the human being and preoccupy his conscious spirit, his powers of reason – house, possessions, wealth. The soul, the unconscious spirit, is in danger of suffocating under these layers.

A human being lives like a captive in his own body. He who only loves his body, loves his own prison. But we are not only defined by our body. We are boundless. The secret of happiness is to not limit oneself and to develop an awareness of one’s own soul.”

I hung on every word that came from his lips and wanted to let them flow through me.

All our egoistic motives,

all our personal desires obstruct

a clear and true view of our soul,

because they only reveal our own

pitiful ego.

When we become aware of our soul,

we become conscious of the inner being which

transcends our ego and possesses

the deepest connections to the unity of all things.

This profound quotation comes from the Indian poet and thinker Rabindranat Tagore. Can you imagine and recognise what it means?”

I nodded eagerly. But could I really?

Guruji stopped for a moment. He seemed to be deeply absorbed, and then suddenly he beamed at me again.

“Perhaps this is all a little too much for you, my dear Tara.”

“No, no!”, I hurriedly contradicted him, taken aback. I wanted to stay here and immerse myself in this new world.

“You were already like that as a little girl, Tara. You’ve always tended to overdo things, whether at work or when learning. Your mother always had difficulty getting you to let go of what you were concentrated on.”

Yes, that was right. But how did Guruji now also know things about my childhood?

Instead of answering my thoughts as usual, he simply smiled at me enigmatically. I was just going to ask him about it, when he said: “Later, Tara! Later.”

“Now I shall introduce you to the secrets of stillness and peace and quiet.

The most important thing you must learn is not to constantly increase the speed of your life.

The first step is to learn how to enter into stillness and peacefulness. For these two are your entrance ticket into a wonderful and happy life.”

Guruji handed me a note containing a quotation:

Stillness is a great blessing,

it clears up the mind and lends it vitality.

And this stillness is a source of great energy,

not only the energy of thinking or the energy

of machines, but unspoilt energy

that has immeasurable powers and abilities.

This is the place where the very active mind can be still.

It is exactly this intensive activity

of the brain that embodies the character

nd beauty of stillness.

(Jiddu Krishnamurti)

I read the quotation through several times and considered it.

“Is that where the saying ‘In stillness lies the key to strength’ comes from?”

“That too. The world has become noisy. And in order to recognise the secrets of life you have to be quiet, otherwise you cannot hear them!

It’s important to give yourself some time out every day. Give yourself the luxury of stillness, having a bit of time and doing nothing for a moment! Do it for your own sake! Learn to listen to your inner voices again! In stillness you free yourself from the distractions of this world and enter a wonderfully exciting place. Silence gives you the power to be active and creative. That’s when you hear the whispering of the gods.”

His words sent shivers down my spine. The ‘whispering of the gods’ sounded thrilling. “What do I have to do to hear these whispers?”

“Take a bit of time every day to meditate, in other words find a time for peace and quiet. Sit down and relax, settle down and listen. Listen to your inner voices.”

Guruji closed his eyes and, in only a moment, seemed to be deeply entranced. And all the while he radiated an incredible and absolutely intensive stillness.

I copied him and closed my eyes too. I was so hungry for inner peace and wanted nothing more than to fall into this state of quiet and stillness myself.

But it wasn’t quite as easy as I had imagined. Inside my head things were not quiet at all. I kept having to think of this or that event or some task or other.

I only had to pull myself together and concentrate a bit harder and then I would succeed in shutting out my thoughts, I reassured myself. I was desperate to enter a state of peace and quiet. After all, Guruji had said it was the key to a beautiful and enchanting world of happiness.

But no matter what I did, nothing helped. Vainly I tried to concentrate even harder, but the more I tried to concentrate, the more my thoughts went into a spin. The craziest and – above all – the most banal things went through my head.

My attempts slowly turned into frustration. Apparently I was too stupid to succeed.

“Tara, just relax. You’re all tensed up”, said Guruji, breaking the silence.

“Yes, I know – but what am I supposed to do! My thoughts keep drifting off. I simply can’t concentrate enough”, I responded, disheartened and despondent.

“Just let your thoughts happen, Tara. As soon as a thought comes, consider it in all calmness, and then let it move on. Imagine these thoughts are simply clouds or soap bubbles. Take a look at them and let them go. Allow yourself a little lightness. As soon as a thought enters your head, regardless of how absurd or banal it may be, look at it, smile at it, and then wrap it up in a soap bubble and let it drift by.

If you get annoyed about thoughts disturbing you, you only give them unnecessary power. You bind them to yourself. These disrupting thoughts have received enough attention from you to feel really at home and then linger for longer than necessary.

You don’t have to and you shouldn’t concentrate, Tara! Concentration is effort and that’s not what’s meant by meditating.

Simply sit down, breathe, and see what happens.

If you want to and it helps you, pay attention to your breathing – how it comes and goes.

You’ll discover peace and stillness all by yourself.

Stop trying hard and relax! Enjoy the lightness of being when you’re meditating!”

I looked into his friendly face and immediately felt peaceful.

Again I closed my eyes, breathed in and out and in again... I sensed my breathing, coming in and going out again – apparently all of its own accord – and felt myself gradually becoming calmer and calmer. As soon as a thought popped up, and believe me there were many, I imagined it to be a soap bubble and happily let it drift on by.

Immediately these uninvited thoughts, these troublemakers, lost their power over me.

“If you like and it makes things easier for you, then you can think up a spiritual place of meditation”, Guruji continued teaching me.

“Keep your eyes closed, breathe in and out deeply, and now imagine a place where you feel really good and at ease! It can be a place at the seaside, in the hills, or on a meadow. You can make it a house or a place in the open countryside. Whatever you like and wherever you feel really comfortable and happy. Let your imagination fly.

What’s the atmosphere like at this place of yours? Try to feel it with all your senses!

Feel the grass, the wind, and the sand under your feet. Hear the birds twittering and listen closely to the sounds of mother nature!”

Guruji paused a little while and then asked me: “Where are you now, Tara?”

I’d found a truly wonderful place.

“I’m in a clearing. It’s warm and filled with sunlight. Before me there’s a waterfall pouring down from about three metres above. The water cascades into a small stream dotted with bigger stones. There are colourful plants growing in rich abandon. The birds are twittering away to their hearts’ delight and the water is gushing along. To the right there’s a swing with two seats.”

I really had the feeling of being there in that place.

“Go over to the swing and sit down on it, Tara, and enjoy the moment!”

I sat down on the swing and gave myself up entirely to this almost heavenly place.

After a time, Guruji bid me return: “Now you’ve found your very own spiritual place of meditation, your safe haven. You can come back here whenever you want.”